Dynasty Warriors College
by JenJenJen13
Summary: The DW characters in college, dealing with regular college things and whatever else comes their way. Very original, I know. Primarily Wu characters, but other kingdoms and the SWs get involved too. Part 2 coming soon!
1. Idiot Parade

I've wanted to do a DW goes to College thing when I noticed the severe lack of a funny one on this site. I did a DW goes to High School thing when I was younger… but now I'm in college so the DWs are coming along for the ride. :]

Also, to explain Ling Tong's Paula Abdul thing; in DW5, his retreat thing was "If I'm gonna retreat, I might as well be honest about it", but in Orochi 1 and 2, it was changed to "If I'm gonna retreat, I might as well be straight-up about it". Paula has a song called "Straight-Up" XD

Anyway, enough of my author blabbing, enjoy the story! :)

* * *

"_You make me weeeeeep… I wanna die… Just when… You say we'd try… Lovin'~ touuuuchin'~ squeeeeeeeezin'~ Each otherrrrrr…"_

"_When I'm aloooone… all by myself… you're out… with someone ellllse~~ Lovin'~ touuuuchin'~ squeeeeeeeezin'~ Each otherrrrrr…"_

No, that's not Steve Perry singing "Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'" in the passenger window of that beat-up crappy looking '97 Chevy Camaro (it was red, not to be confused with the Autobot Camaro of the 2007 film Transformers fame) but it might as well be.

In fact, it might be better.

"_You're teaaaaaarin' me apaaaaaart, every every daaaay, You're tearing me apart… Oh whaaat can IIIIII say, You're tearing me apaaaaart…"_

"Ning, can you PLEASE stop singing? Please!"

"_It won't be long yeah~ Til you're alooooone When your looooo—oooo—vver~ Oh he hasn't come home~ Cause he's lovin, touchin, squeezin Another…"_

"Ning, seriously, shut up! People are giving us weird looks!"

The Camaro inched along the length of Interstate 275. The 5 o'clock traffic was terrible; not only was the driver of the Camaro kicking himself for leaving so late, he was about to make his shotgun passenger walk the rest of the way home!

Either that, or throw the iPod out the window; but that iPod was a Christmas present, Ning was going out the window before it did.

"_He's tearing you apaaaaaaart! Oh, every every daaaaaaaaaa—yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! He's tearing you apart Oh girl what can you say Cause he's lovin touchin anotherrrrrrr And it's your turn girl to cryyyyyyyyyy!"_

"I hate it when you point to me during that part! Dammit, Ning!"

"Do you ever stop bitching!" Ning complained, finally, shooting his best friend a dirty look before pointing to his other best friend in the backseat, "Take it away, Ce~"

"_NANANANA, NANANA~ NANANANA, NANANANA~"_ Ce was terribly tone-deaf, but if Ning didn't give him a part of the song to sing, he'd whine (or worse, sing along!) and Ning couldn't have that.

"_NANANANA, NANANA~ NANANANA, NANANANA~"_

"I mean it, I'm gonna make both of you walk home!" Tong threatened, "Seriously, I used to like this song, shut up!

"_NANANANA, NANANA~ NANANANA, NANANANA~"_

"I'M THE DRIVER OF THIS CAR AND IF YOU TWO DON'T SHUT UP—"

"_NANANANA, NANANA~ NANANANA, NANANANA~"_

Tong hit his head on the steering wheel furiously. "I HATE THE BOTH OF YOU!"

HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK. His forehead hit the steering wheel (which had a metal Chevy logo in the middle of it) not only giving Tong a plus-sign shaped mark on his forehead but also pissing off every car in the two-mile radius.

It was also apparently "drive your convertible on the Interstate" day, and people were not being very shy about voicing their opinions.

"Hey, screw you, pretty boy!"

"Lay off the horn, fruity!"

"Why don't you go highlight your hair some more and get off the horn!"

"What's the matter, your boyfriends not giving you any!"

"Holy hell that guy sounded like Steve Perry!"

Ning grinned and waved out the window. So did oblivious Ce (who might sound like Steve Perry when Steve Perry was eating something particularly disgusting and trying to fight down his gag reflex, but otherwise, the likeness ended).

"I HATE ALL OF YOU!" Tong shouted, furiously, about to drive off the side of the interstate and risk breaking every limb in his body. "I've got a fucking test to study for!"

"Then study!" Ce said, "s'not like we're goin' anywhere! Oi, Ning, put on "Don't Stop Believin', will ya?"

Tong started hitting his head on the steering wheel again.

* * *

"Ugggh… arrrghh… aaaaahhhh… ARRRRRRRGH…"

"UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

"Very good!" the on-screen trainer said. "You've unlocked enough points for a new fitness exercise!"

21-year-old Ning stood back up to his full height. He stared at the TV screen in outrage. "ONLY 42 POINTS!" he shouted. "Stupid Wii Fit! Go to hell!"

"!" Tong screamed from the kitchen.

Ning jumped three feet into the air and hopped off the Wii Fit board. "WHAT!" he shouted, running into the kitchen and seeing his roommate.

"WHAT IS THAT!" 20-year-old Tong shouted, pointing inside the fridge.

Ning looked in the fridge. Aside from a few rancid looking sandwiches, nothing looked too out of place. "What?"

"THAT!" Tong yelled, pointing at the box on the bottom shelf.

Ning scratched his head. "That's a thing of Bud Light. Did you drop your contacts in the toilet again?"

"NO! Get that outta there!" Tong yelled. "We're already on probation because the damn R.A. caught us with booze in here!"

Ning scowled. "Stop yelling at me!"

"Then get rid of it!" Tong ordered.

"You're not my mother! I don't have to listen to you!"

Meanwhile, during this entire scene, 21-year-old Ce was seated at the table, silently picking through the groceries. He smiled at a box of Frosted Flakes, and began to fix himself a bowl of cereal while watching the scene play out. Neither Tong or Ning had noticed him.

Tong scowled, stomped over towards the oven, grabbed a pair of oven mitts, and went back over to the fridge, pulling the box of beer out.

"What're you doing?" Ning asked suspiciously. "What's with the oven mitts?"

"I don't want MY fingerprints on the evidence!" Tong replied, keeping his arms outstretched as though the beer was toxic. "See ya!" he shouted, tossing the box out the open window.

THUNK. "OW!" yelled a voice outside from the quad.

"HOLY SHIT! IT'S RAINING BEER! HALLELUJAH!" shouted another.

Ning screamed bloody murder and very nearly jumped out the window after the booze. "NO!" he shouted. "COME BACK!" Very angrily, he reared on Tong. "You jackass! How would you like it if I threw your Paula Abdul CDs out the window!"

Tong folded his arms. "I told ya to get rid of it! And besides, I hid them! That threat isn't gonna work on me anymore!"

"You ass! You're getting off on this, aren't you!" Ning hollered. "FINE! I'll just go get more!" He stomped off. "And I'm gonna find those fucking CDs, Tong! Sleep with your stupid eyes open!"

"Nice oven mitts, Tong!" Ce commented.

Tong screamed in fright and fell over. "What the hell are you doing in here!" he shouted. "I told you I didn't want to see your face for the rest of the day!"

Ce made a face. "Well, hello to you too!"

"Oh whatever! How the hell did you get in here?" Tong asked, throwing the oven mitts back over onto the stove top. "And where do you get off eating my food?"

"Picked the lock," Ce replied easily. "Hey, we've known each other since we were little kids! What's some cereal between brothers?"

"I am not your brother!" Tong said haughtily.

"You will be when you marry Shang Xiang," Ce answered cheerfully.

"I will NEVER marry Shang Xiang!" Tong complained.

Ce made a face, mentally crossing 'freeload off rich doctor brother-in-law forever' off his life plan.

Tong thought for a moment. "Well, that's Ning's cereal anyway, so I don't care. Eat all you want."

"That's the spirit," Ce said cheerfully, raising his spoon in a salute. "So what's the deal with the booze?"

Tong scowled. "I _told_ that stupid ass to keep his contraband garbage outta our fridge. If he's gonna have it, fine, but I'm not getting blamed for it!"

Ce nodded. "Yeah. Like when Yu had that overdue library book. I ratted his ass out, I wasn't taking the hit for THAT—"

"Overdue library books are like 10 cents!" Tong said, staring at him. "You've never checked out a library book before?"

"Never been in a library," Ce replied. He thought for a second. "No, that's not right… I had to pee one time, so I used the library." He beamed. "Closest toilet in the tri-state area. Couldn't be avoided."

Tong rolled his eyes. "How do you avoid setting yourself on fire?"

Ce opened his mouth to reply, but an anguished scream of terror interrupted him. "The hell was that?"

They both got up to look out the window. Tong groaned.

"You stupid freeloaders! Get your filthy hands off my booze!" Ning shouted from outside. "GAN NING KICK!"

"ARRRRGH!" shouted one of the previous voices from before. "AAAAAAAHHH! YUAN!"

"Holy shit—Dun, what the hell happened to your eye!"

"Forget about me! Save the booze!"

"But you're—bleeding, dude!"

"NEITHER OF YOU BEER HOGGING BASTARDS ARE GETTING AWAY ALIVE!" Ning shouted.

"I'm going to stab him to death in his sleep," Tong grumbled.

"I can see how _that_ can be misconstructed as sexual innuendo," Ce commented through a mouthful of cereal.

Tong glared at him.

* * *

"What about this one?"

With a groan, 19-year-old Shang Xiang glanced up from her magazine. "It's great," she muttered, looking back down again.

"You didn't even look!" 19-year-old Da whined. "Shang Xiang, I'm going out with your brother tomorrow night, the least you can do is tell me what he likes!"

"Wear nothing. That's what my brother likes," Shang Xiang said, setting her magazine down. "Da, he's just going to be looking at your rack all night, I don't see what you see in him—"

"Who, Ce? Stupid sis got to him first," 18-year-old Xiao complained.

"What do you mean "got to him first"?" Da asked her sister.

Xiao made a face. "Well, if he met ME first, he'd like me better! Everyone does! Besides, Ce's hot!"

Shang Xiang coughed. "Ew! This is my brother we're talking about!"

Da just giggled dreamily and held up a different red blouse up. "How does this look?"

"THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME! Sheesh!" Shang Xiang grumbled.

* * *

"Hey, Jackass, give me a ride to work," Ning grumbled the next morning.

Tong glared at him. "I'll drop you off the nearest cliff! What're you in such a bad mood for?"

"What do you THINK? Those Xiahou bonehead brothers took off with my booze, I had to chase after them all night and get it back!" Ning snapped. "I'm 21 now, I can have my beer without getting in trouble!"

"I CAN'T!" Tong shouted. "I'm still 20, REMEMBER!"

"And it's MY fault your mother didn't pop you out a year earlier!" Ning demanded.

"I TOLD YOU ALREADY! Just keep it in your room!" Tong said angrily. "We're already on probation, jackass!"

"Not MEEEEEE," Ning sang annoyingly.

Tong fought down the urge to smack him.

"Morning, guys," Ce said, coming into the kitchen. "Mmm, whatcha cookin', Tong?"

"Nothing for you!" Tong said haughtily. "Or you!" he added, noticing Ning's face light up with joy.

Ning scowled. "And to think I was about to forgive you!"

"Forgive me for WHAT! Not breaking the law!" Tong demanded. "I bailed you out of jail once before, I'm not doing it again!"

Ce came over and poked a strip of bacon on the skillet. "Geez! It's raw! Put some heat on those suckers, Tong! I'm hungry!" he complained.

"How the hell do you keep getting in here!" Tong asked.

"I already told you. I picked the lock," Ce replied. "Tong, you have to go to work today, right? Give me a ride!"

"Ce, why do YOU need a ride!" Tong asked. "Your truck is nicer than my car is!"

"Everything's nicer than your stupid Camaro is," Ning laughed. Tong threw an oven mitt at him.

"It's not stupid! Stop making fun of my car!"

"I'm not! I'm just saying it's a piece of crap!" Ning said defensively.

"It's not a piece of crap!" Tong said angrily.

"Does it turn into an Autobot?" Ning asked.

"What?"

"Does it?"

"No!"

"Has Megan Fox had her boobs all over it?"

"No!"

"Then it's a piece of crap!"

Tong glared at him, before giving up and glaring over at Ce. "What do you need a ride for anyway?"

"Well, you see, Da wants me to take her to some fancy restaurant tonight, but I don't have enough money to take her out and to pay the towing company to give my truck back," Ce explained.

"Your truck got towed again? Holy shit, Ce, are you going for a world record?" Tong asked.

"No, I was gonna be late so I had to park in some blue spot," Ce complained, "Apparently nobody told me that circle thing meant Handicapped?"

"You know what I don't get?" Ning asked, "How come handicapped people get a special parking spot? They have wheelchairs! We don't!"

"Ce, just tell them you're mentally disabled and you'll get out of it," Tong said, rolling his eyes.

"I already tried that! They looked me up and threatened to fine me for lying! Apparently it's a felony to lie about a mental disability?" Ce shrugged, munching on a piece of raw bacon. "Folks do it at Adventure Archipelago all the time… EW! Tong, this is raw!" He put it back on the skillet.

"Yeah. It's COOKING, hence the whole 'sitting in a skillet' thing," Tong pointed out. "Why don't you go HOME and eat your own food?"

"Don't listen to him! He likes pissing on people's happy parties," Ning shouted.

"Yeah, Tong, are you gonna throw ME out the window?" Ce taunted. "Gonna use those purdy oven mitts?"

The door to the kitchen swung open again, this time opening the way for the youngest of the Suns, a much more welcome sight than the eldest. "Morning, guys!" Shang Xiang said cheerfully. "Hey, Tong, is that bacon?"

"Yeah, but it's still—"

Shang Xiang plucked a piece of bacon off the skillet. "Ew! It's raw!" she whined. "You trying to kill me, Tong?"

"Nobody listens to me!" Tong complained.

"Boo hoo," Ning called. "Hey, Shang Xiang!"

Shang Xiang grinned at him, and turned towards her brother. "YOU!" she shouted, stomping towards him and grabbing his throat, "I have YOU to thank for me not getting any sleep last night!"

"AAAAH! Shang Xiang get off!" Ce yelled, prying his sister's hands away. "Geez! What'd I do now!"

"Stupid Da kept blabbing about WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO WEAR TONIGHT! She kept me up all night!" Shang Xiang said, her hands on her hips. "Who cares anyway? Seriously, when you guys go out with girls, do you even notice what she's wearing?"

"No," Ning, Tong, and Ce replied in unison.

"Speaking of what you're wearing," Ce interrupted, eying his sister's clothes, "Where the hell do YOU think you're going dressed like that, missy?"

Shang Xiang scowled, looking down at the red halter top and khaki short-shorts she was wearing. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing! And when did you turn into Daddy?"

"What's wrong with it? Every time you raise your arms, your stomach shows!" Ce complained. "And those shorts are too short! Go change!"

"Absolutely not," Shang Xiang protested. "Tong, do I look trashy?"

"No~," Tong replied innocently. Ning chuckled.

"See?" Shang Xiang folded her arms. "Tong wouldn't lie to me! Besides, it's like a million degrees outside!"

Ce rolled his eyes. "Nobody ever listens to me!"

"Yeah, good riddance," Tong laughed. He shot Ce a dirty look. "You want a ride, fine. But I'm not picking you up, I've got a test today and I haven't studied!"

"Just do what I do," Ning said, "Fail, and tape a $20 to the back of the scantron~"

Tong looked down at the contents of the frying pan. "I wonder if the burning oil in this thing is enough to kill me."

* * *

That's it for the first chapter! More characters will be added with every chapter.

Tell me what you think, reviews and ideas and whatever else are welcome and appreciated!


	2. Adventure Archipelago

Chapter 2! :D

This one got ridiculously long; I don't want to say expect all chapters to be this long, but they'll probably stay reasonably long. I get carried away :D It's primarily dialogue anyway, so it's all good. Right? Right? Is this thing on?

* * *

Ce was in charge of the height stick at the ABMUK; he'd been working at the Abmuk for about a year now, and he absolutely hated it. He'd put in at least three transfer requests, but his supervisor always rejected them, apparently taking pride in crushing his hopes and dreams (of working at the Flume of Doom).

"Hey, you can't bring that on the ride, ma'am," Ce said, holding his arm out to block the woman's passage into the ride turnstile.

"What's wrong with it?" the lady snapped.

"It's a—giant handbag. It'll fly off," Ce said, pointing to the sign that clearly stated "DON'T BRING LOOSE ARTICLES ON THE RIDE". "Did you read the sign?"

"Nope," the lady replied. "Get the flying fuck out of my way, kid, I didn't pay 70 dollars to get lip from a little smartass."

"I'm not letting you through," Ce said stubbornly. "Lady, just put your bag in a locker, you're holding up my line!" It was only 9:30AM; the lines wouldn't be here for a good two hours, particularly on a weekday, but Ce liked threats.

"Go to hell, you snot-nosed punk! I'll worry about my bag and you worry about not getting punched in the face!" the lady shouted. She shoved past Ce, went through the turnstile, and went into the queue house.

Ce groaned, picking up the ride telephone and calling the control panel.

"Panel!" answered an enthusiastic voice.

"Oy. Who's up here?" Ce asked.

"Me! Zhao Yun!" Yun replied, "What's going on, Ce?"

"Yun! Some crazy lady wouldn't put her bag in a locker, and since I'm not allowed to punch her out, she pushed past me and got in the line. Stop her before she gets on the ride, I don't want to do a lost article search once that thing flies off the coaster!" Ce said, gesturing for the line to keep moving through the turnstile.

"What's she on the bouncy scale?" Yun squinted at the chart hanging on one of the walls of the control panel; the "bouncy scale" was a scale that described the weight of guests. If you were too big, you couldn't get on the roller coaster, and were called the politically correct term "bouncies". Bouncies at eight-ten ranks were too big to get on the ride, and were usually stopped at the height stick to avoid clogging the line inside the ride station.

"Uhhh… an even seven. GET HER!"

"Right. Thanks for the heads-up."

Ce hung up the phone and suddenly came to a terrible realization. He forgot to pack himself a lunch, dammit, and he wasn't about to buy any food from Adventure Archipelago, that'd be like—feeding the hand that fed, or something!

He turned his back on the guests and tried to hide his phone behind the height stick as he texted out an SOS. "NEED FOOOOOOOOOD."

"Ce, switch off," said Xiahou Dun, holding an ice pack to his eye. "I can't put my arm down, go to 2nd!"

"I hate 2nd," Ce complained, "buckling stupid people in all day—" A couple people passing into the ride glared at him.

"Well, I can't put down my fucking arm," Dun growled, "so suck it up!"

"What happened to your eye?" Ce asked curiously.

Dun sighed. "That idiot Gan Ning attacked us yesterday and I tripped and impaled my eye on a stick. I don't like to talk about it!"

Ce winced. "Ew!"

* * *

Tong tossed his t-shirt in his locker and left the break room, making a face at how damned sunny it was today. Dammit, but he hated Florida weather, stupid sun—

"Hey, there you are," grunted Ginchiyo Tachibana, Tong's supervisor at the wave pool, "Oi, Tong, we've got like six new lifeguards, train 'em, will ya?"

"Six!" Tong whined, "How the hell am I gonna make six rescues a day with six other lifeguards there with me?"

Ginchiyo rolled her eyes. "For days when you're not working, Tong. Really. Believe it or not, this park has to function even when you're not gracing us all with your presence. And you're our _best_ lifeguard?"

"Yeah, yeah," Tong said, scratching his head, "what'd they need training for?"

"Everything!" Ginchiyo said impatiently, "I'm never going to become manager of the area with retarded employees!"

"Oi, don't you know you're not allowed to say retarded anymore?" Tong asked, "there's like some website banning it, now we have to say 'tards'…"

"Fine. I'll never become manager of the area with employees who are tards," Ginchiyo replied swiftly, "Now turn those girls into lifeguards, would you!"

"Yeah, yea—GIRLS?" Tong asked excited, "Are they cute?"

"Speaking as a woman interested in men I cannot answer that question," Ginchiyo said, rolling her eyes, "Now get to it!"

Tong nodded and sauntered off to go find the lifeguards. The lifeguard trainees in question were five blondes and one surly-looking dark haired girl.

"Lifeguards, lifeguards, lifeguards~" Tong spotted them and grinned. "Hey, all of you, over heeeeeeere~"

The five blondes and the brunette came over, the blondes giggling stupidly (gawking at Tong, most likely, being a shirtless, well-toned, ridiculously attractive guy usually had that effect) and the brunette scowling.

Tong folded his arms. "Alright, all of you. Lifeguarding and—uh, being a lifeguard—is some serious business. People can die if you don't do your job right. They will actually try to die so their family can sue Adventure Archipelago for all the money it's worth."

"Why wouldn't they sue us?" one girl asked, tilting her head, cascades of artificial blonde hair falling down her shoulder.

"Oh, y'know, we're college students, we're worth more dead than we are alive, depending on if you've got life insurance or if you're an organ donor," Tong replied.

"My hair's insured for thirty thousand dollars," said a different girl, "just like that girl from Mean Girls~"

"Regina?" asked the dark haired girl, "Regina George? The main antagonist of the movie? And you don't remember her name?"

"No," the girl answered, dumb. If Tong was the kind of young man to value what a girl carried between her ears, this might've been a turnoff; but lucky for this girl, he was a vapid shallow playboy and was too busy gawking at her chest.

"I'm sure all of you know the routine of CPR," Tong said, "standard procedures, you understand~ alright, all of you, on the ground~"

"WHAT," complained the dark haired girl, while the other five blondes nodded and all lied down (on the filthy pool deck, ew!).

"Alrighty, which one of you wants to be first," Tong asked, "I'll practice on you and then you'll all know how to do it~"

"That doesn't make sense!" the dark-haired girl pointed out, while all the blondes raised their hands.

"Starting with you," Tong said, grinning down at one blonde, "alright, all of you, basic procedure here. If the guy's not breathing, pump his chest a few times, like this—" he demonstrated (lightly enough so he didn't break the girl's sternum, but with enough pressure he could get a good feel on her rack). "If that doesn't wake 'em up, hold their nose, give 'em mouth-to-mouth."

"It didn't work," the blonde squealed. Tong leaned down and—

The narration sees no reason to continue at this point. He makes out with all the lifeguard girls except the dark haired one, moving on.

"Alright, trainee, your turn~" Tong turned towards the dark haired girl, leaned in to "CPR" her, and the girl promptly punched him in the stomach. "Ow!"

"Don't come anywhere near me," the girl snapped, "hands off!"

"Ow," Tong complained, sitting back, "Hey, what gives, this is required training!"

"Touch me again and you'll regret waking up this morning," the girl shot back.

"Believe me, I already do," Tong replied, "What's your name anyway? I might have to report you!"

"My name is Ina," Ina Honda replied, sitting up and shoving him away from her, "and all you—" She glared at the other girls—"are idiots for allowing this perverted moron to take advantage of you!"

"He can take advantage of me anytime," giggled one of the girls.

Ina did a facepalm.

Tong groaned. "Alright, fine, all of you have the basics of CPR—except /you/, Ina—"

Ina glared at him warningly.

"You can be the Heimlich maneuver specialist," Tong said, rolling his eyes. "Speaking of which, what's the rest of your names?"

"My name's Whitney!" said blonde #1.

"I'm Chelsie with an -ie!" said blonde #2.

"I'm Stacie!" said blonde #3.

"I'm Chelsea with an -ea!" said blonde #4.

"I'm Barbie!" said blonde #5.

Tong had already forgotten their names, but once again, standard procedure. "Congratulations, you're all lifeguards, now go do my job and if someone's drowning go get them!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAY," said the blondes, running off excitedly. Ina glared at Tong before sulking off in the other direction.

"Chair time~" Tong said, crossing over towards his lifeguard chair and picking up the book he'd left in there yesterday. Nothing better to do, after all…

"LIFEGUARD! LIFEGUARD!"

"HEY!" Tong shouted, already nice and comfy in his chair. "I already said NO RUNNING! Slow it down or you're outta here!"

"Bite me!" shouted the kid.

Tong's eyes narrowed. Not on my watch, he thought, getting out of his chair and storming over (thinking he looked like a badass). The kid stuck his tongue out at him and jumped in the water to prevent Tong's attack.

Fuming, Tong dove in the water, grabbed the kid, overpowered him easily, and hauled him out of the pool. "Anyone claim dependency of this brat!" he shouted.

"Get your hands off my kid!" yelled a woman, storming up to Tong furiously.

"Well tell your kid to stop causing trouble at my pool!" Tong snapped, shoving the kid back at the woman. "Dammit all—"

"Tong! Hi!" Shang Xiang yelled, waving. Tong turned around and grinned.

"Shang Xiang, hey!" he said, shaking the water out of his hair, "What's up?"

"I brought you something~ hey, is that Ina? What's she doing here?" Shang Xiang asked, grinning, watching Ina patrol the pool like some psychotic military dictator.

"Oh, probably thinking about using a mandolin(1) on my dick," Tong answered nonchalantly.

"Like the stringed instrument? Hi, Ina!" Shang Xiang called, waving at her friend.

"No! Don't—don't bring any attention to me, she already tried to kill me once!" Tong squawked, blocking her wave. "Anyway, what's up, Shang Xiang? Come to give me a hard time?"

"No!" Shang Xiang said, "Ce forgot his lunch again—dumbass!—and I thought you might want some too?"

Tong beamed at her. "You're the best ever, you know that?"

"Of course I know, but I never get tired of hearing it," Shang Xiang replied, her smile still huge.

"Actually… I know you've done enough, but can you drop that in my locker for me? I can't leave, one of these obnoxious helpless people might need me to get in the water, or something…" Tong made a face.

"Ya mean do your job?" Shang Xiang asked.

"HELP! I'M DROWNING!" someone shrieked.

"Yeah, yeah—WALK IT OFF! WALK IT OFF!" Tong shouted, waving at the drowner dismissively.

"Shouldn't you help them?" Shang Xiang asked, widexxxeyed.

"Shang Xiang, if they were really drowning, they wouldn't be able to say they were drowning," Tong said, shaking his head. He rummaged around in his swim shorts pockets. "Here you go," he said, dropping a key in her hand. "Locker #17, it's the only one that doesn't smell like feces~"

"Got it!" Shang Xiang smiled and ran off.

Tong grinned. Best friend ever~ Whitney came back over, looking confused. "Hey, Tong, I think I need more CPR training~"

"Yeah, yeah, give me a second," Tong said, "I have to get something…"

Shang Xiang came back about fifteen seconds later. "I totally forgot I have class right now!" she wailed, "Tong, I gotta go!"

"Awww, who's this?" Whitney asked, looking at Shang Xiang with a facial expression one would use when adoring a cute little toddler or a puppy.

"This is Shang Xiang, she's like my little sister," Tong replied, patting Shang Xiang's head.

"She's so cute!" Whitney giggled, "Awwww~"

Shang Xiang, practically steaming with rage, forced a smile on her face. "Can you excuse us?" she asked politely.

"Awww, she wants to talk to you privately! Okay!" Whitney, skipping off.

"What?" Tong asked, and Shang Xiang stomped on his foot. "OW! What was that for!"

"Don't talk to me like I'm a retarded moron in front of some girl you're trying to pick up!" Shang Xiang said furiously, "You jerk!"

"I'm not!" Tong whined, "I'm dumbing it down so she understands! She's dumb!"

"Sounded like you were treating me like a little kid so I wouldn't get in the way of you picking up BARBIE!" Shang Xiang snapped.

"That's not Barbie, that's Whitney," Tong explained guilelessly, "that one's Barbie—" He pointed to a blonde standing at the edge of the pool, who waved to Tong. Tong waved back and noticed the expression of disgust on Shang Xiang's face.

"What?" Tong asked innocently, "I'm not doing anything!"

"Yeah, except pissing me off," Shang Xiang huffed, "and I let them put mayo on your sandwich, jerk!" She stomped off.

"WHAT! No! Shang Xiang! Mayo's gonna ruin the whole sandwich, it's like a furnace in that locker room!" Tong wailed, missing the point so entirely even Ning would've laughed at his stupidity, "Dammit, Shang Xiang!"

Ina walked over. "Nice going, moron," she commented dryly.

Tong glared at her. "You reaaaaaally don't wanna get certified to work here, huh? Listen up, _Ina_, I'm the boss around here—at least when Ginchiyo's not around—and if you ever want to get out of trainee status and become one of us lifeguards—" he said the word 'lifeguard' similar to how a deeply religious would say 'God'—"you need to start being nice!"

Ina looked like she'd rather swallow Hemlock than be "nice", but she really needed this damn job. "Fine. Teach me about this 'being nice'!"

"Well, the motto around here is 'Subpar Service With a Smile'," Tong told her, "so, uh, as long as you're smiling you can pretty much get away with murder around here."

"Really?" Ina asked.

Tong nodded. "Who can seriously be mean to someone smiling at them?" He gave a winning smile. Ina was not impressed.

One of the blondes fell off the lifeguard chair, fell in the pool and immediately started squawking about how her hair was going to fall out (instead of marveling at how she survived a fall off a sevenxxxfootxxxchair into a fourxxxfoot pool of water and didn't break something).

"Sweet, finally some action~ HANG ON CHELSIE! OR WHITNEY! OR—WHOEVER!" Tong shouted, and took off towards the pool, diving in the water and surfacing with—was it Whitney? Or Chelsie? The narration prefers calling her "Blonde #?". Ina made a disgusted face. She might not've ever taken a CPR class but she had a feeling tongues were not required!

"MOMMY HELP!" shrieked some little boy. Tong surfaced from making out with Blonde #—oh, who even cares—for about a second to say, "I think he's drowning!" before going back in again.

Ina wasted no time at all; she took a step back and charged, diving into the pool and swimming out to the drowning child. She took hold of the boy and swam out to the edge of the pool with him, laying him on the ground, and shook him furiously.

"LIVE, DAMN YOU, LIVE!" she shouted.

The boy—in terror—did, in fact, live. He sat up and cheered. "I'm alive!" he cheered, "thank you, scary lady!" He threw his arms around Ina's waist and hugged her tightly.

Before Ina had the chance to explode from physical contact—not explode with fury, but actually, literally, combust into flames—everyone around her cheered.

"She's a hero!" people were cheering, "she saved that boy's life!"

"You saved me!" the boy was cheering.

Ginchiyo heard all the racket and came out of her office. "WHAT IS GOING ON OUT HERE!" she demanded.

Tong heard Ginchiyo and separated himself from the blonde with a suction cup sound. He jumped out of the pool and came over. "Uhhh… nothing?"

"I saved this boy's life!" Ina said, her eyes dancing with joy, "I love lifeguarding! I want to do this for the rest of my life!"

Tong made a face at her. "Brown noser!"

* * *

Yun got back to his apartment around 3:30, when he was forced to clock out, which always made him sad. He /loved/ working at Adventure Archipelago! It was the best job he'd ever had, so much fun, he got to serve the people for $7.50/hr!

Who needs college, Yun wondered, unbuttoning his top shirt and making a face at the laundry everywhere. Dammit, Chao!

"CHAAAAAAAAAAAO," Yun shouted, "I'm home, would you kindly pick all this dirty laundry up!"

Chao was in the living room, so surrounded by dirty clothes Yun hadn't seen him. He turned around. "Yes?"

Yun jumped. "You're like an animal, Chao, stop living in your own filth!"

"It's not filth!" Chao complained, "this CSI marathon's been on since yesterday! Once it's over I'll pick it all up!"

"It's on commercial!" Yun complained, "Come on, Chao, what if your sister saw this?"

Chao sighed and reached for a dirty shirt. "Can't reach. Sorry. I'll pick it up later, Yun, I'm getting inspiration left and right!"

"For?" Yun asked.

"For my campaign," Chao replied, his hazel eyes wide.

"I'm almost afraid to ask. What campaign?" Yun asked, clearing off a pile of dirty clothes from the chair before sitting down.

"Look around you, Yun. This is a college, right? An educational facility to inspire the youth of this nation to rise up and become hardworking and productive members of society?" Chao asked.

Yun tilted his head. "Not what I'd call it, but okay."

Chao nodded, his eyes blazing with that vengeful charismatic eagerness that'd someday help him take over the world. "Instead this school's been overrun with lazy professors and governmentxxxpaid slackers who don't care about us, and as a result, the population of this school is filled with a bunch of rich slackers! This place isn't about learning, it's about how much money their rich parents can donate to the school just so they don't get expelled!"

"Well, look what happens to the actual professors, Chao," said Yun, "I heard Dr. Lu's house got egged again! Only because he wouldn't give that moron Keiji two extra points, which is ridiculous, if he gets two extra points we should all get the extra points!"

"He didn't earn those points! Good for Dr. Lu!" Chao said haughtily, pumping his fist, "Yun, join me on my campaign to make the people in this school realize the sweet sting of sweat in your eyes after a hard day's work!" He looked around—a living room filled with snacks and dirty laundry wasn't quite the campaign platform necessary for a speech of this magnitude—and made a face. "You know what I mean, I'm a hard worker, I've just been taking the day off!"

"Right," Yun nodded, "so when is Yun Lu (2) coming over?"

Chao looked at him strangely. "I never said anything about—hey, that's a good idea, she can help!" He fished his phone out of his pocket and dialed his sister's number.

"Hello?"

"Yun Lu, it's your brother, listen, I've got an idea for a—"

"Will Yun be there?" Ma Yun Lu asked suspiciously.

Chao looked at the phone blankly. "Of course he will, why do you ask?"

"I'm in!" Yun Lu said excitedly, getting strange looks from passerby and a glare from Dr. Oda as she interrupted his lecture with her girlish squealing, "I'm in class, though, but count me in!"

"That's my sister!" Chao said triumphantly, getting off the phone.

"Is she helping?" Yun asked.

"She is! Nothing will stand in my way of making everyone less—It's back, it's back, it's back, Yun go get me the bag of Doritos on the counter, will ya? Thanks~"

Yun sighed as Chao's eyes glazed over the TV. Chao dreamed of being a criminal prosecutor and singlehandedly sweeping all crime off the streets; he couldn't do anything right now (other than donning spandex and a cape and being "Super Chao", an idea it had taken the combined efforts of Yun and Yun Lu to talk him out of—and he was already /wearing/ the spandex and the cape when they talked him out of it.) so instead he focused his efforts on trying to stop evil and crime and laziness at its source; kicking college students in the pants figuratively and literally, if necessary.

Yun had been Chao's best friend for years; he was a loyal friend, and since he didn't have any particular life plan at the moment he enjoyed helping Chao's exploits. He liked a safe place to live too, and not to mention, Chao's sister—cute little Yun Lu, who he'd known since she was tiny—had gotten ridiculously hot over the years.

Which, of course, Chao knew nothing about~

* * *

Tong yawned, stretching his arms as he unlocked the door to his apartment. "NING," he shouted. He rolled his eyes seeing his roommate fast asleep on the couch. He hadn't moved all day, apparently.

He checked his phone. He'd sent Shang Xiang at least ten text messages and about five voice mails (texting while driving was dangerous) and she hadn't replied to any of them yet. He made a face as he unlocked the door to his room (it wasn't that he thought Ning would steal his stuff, it was he thought Ning would _break _his stuff) and tossed his phone on the bed.

Shit, he had some essay to write, and he had that damned organic chemistry test later he already knew he was going to fail. He picked his phone up and punched in "Z" for "Zhao Yun", figuring the guy who sat next to him in class would know what the assignment was.

"Yun? Hello?"

"Oh, hey, Tong."

"Bad time?" Tong asked, flopping back on his bed.

"No, Chao just left to go yell at that crazy girl in the tree some more," said Yun, "I was going to take a nap. What's up?"

"That girl's still in the tree?" Tong asked, grinning, "I thought they'd just bulldoze the thing already!"

"Well, when the recession hit they ran out of money for the project so they're not going to do it," Yun said, laughing, "but she doesn't know that, she doesn't have wifi or get the news, so she hasn't heard!"

"They're just letting her stay up there?" Tong asked, leaving his room and heading to the kitchen to get some food.

"Yeah, high school seniors are touring the place left and right, orientation and all, she's an attraction!" Yun chuckled.

Tong laughed, grabbing a thing of Goldfish and a water bottle and heading back to his room. "Have they ever bulldozed a tree with some hippie in it?" he wondered.

"I don't know," Yun said, "but I'm sure Chao's dad would know, he was legendary back in the day for vanquishing hippies. I'll ask Chao when he gets back, even though he's all distracted with his new project…"

"New project?" Tong asked, "Like what?"

"Yeah, he's got some new crazy idea now," Yun said, reaching for his assignment book.

"You don't say," Tong commented. "Chao does throw a pretty fun rally~ tell him to get free hot dogs again!"

"Will do," Yun replied, "And Yun Lu's helping too, of course~"

"No kidding," Tong chuckled, "Man, Yun, why don't you just ask her out, you've liked her for years, haven't you?"

"Absolutely not, she's my best friend's younger sister!" Yun protested, "You have any idea what it's like to have a crush on your best friend's younger sister? Particularly when your best friend will kill you for it?"

"Why would he kill you?" Tong asked, "if I had a little sister I'd probably _want_ her to date my best friend!" He thought for a second. If Shang Xiang was like his little sister, and Ce and Ning were his best friends—"this is all hypothetical, of course," he added hastily.

"Of course, you don't have a sister," Yun said, "well, maybe you're right, Tong—okay, the assignment is a five paged essay on why the chicken came before the egg, unless the egg came before the chicken." He made a face. "Why does Dr. Huang delight in torturing us?"

"Hey, I'd rather be tortured than her cougar prey," Tong replied, "what do you think she's doing under her desk all class?"

"Eww," Yun complained, "I didn't need to hear that, Tong, I'm hanging up the phone now!"

"Alright, see you tomorrow," Tong chuckled, and Yun hung up. He shook his head and sat down at his desk, opened his laptop, looked up through the window, and screamed bloody murder.

Ning kicked the door open, looking half-asleep and wide-eyed. "WHAT!" he shouted.

"There's a GIRL in that tree!" Tong squawked.

Sitting in the large tree was Zhang Xing Cai, the school's selfxxxproclaimed "activist"; in reality, she was only an activist for causes that pissed her off, much like Lindsay Bluth-Funke of Arrested Development fame, but more importantly, she was in the tree. Staring at Tong.

"This tree has stood here longer than our ancestors!" Xing Cai said haughtily, "it'll come down with me still in it!"

"I'm sure it will!" Tong said, angry, "Get outta here, would ya? Or at least park it in another branch!"

"I'll never get out of this tree!" Xing Cai shouted, "just try and stop me!"

"You'll be crying when the bulldozers start coming!" Tong retorted, "Now if you don't mind I HAVE AN ESSAY TO WRITE AND A TEST TO STUDY FOR THAT I'M GOING TO FAIL SO GET OUT OF MY LINE OF SIGHT!"

"Why don't you just close the blinds?" Ning asked, making a face.

"Why should I have to close MY blinds! I'm entitled to enjoying the nice day!" Tong said haughtily.

Ning shrugged and left the room, already bored.

Tong made a face and ignored the hippie girl long enough to type his name in the Word document; then she took out her megaphone.

"I'M STILL UP HERE!" Xing Cai shouted at the ground below, the loudness so sudden it scared Tong out of his seat.

Her words were met with boos from down below. Tong got back in his chair and banged his head on the keyboard.

"You said I wouldn't! But I am!" she continued.

"YOU DIRTY HIPPIE! PROGRESS IS COMING AND THEY ARE PLOWING THIS WHOLE THING OVER AND YOU ARE GONNA BE CHOPPED DOWN!" yelled the familiar voice of Chao, always up for a rally.

"NEVER GONNA HAPPEN!" Xing Cai shouted back, "The Florida University pine will never come down! You big business assholes!"

"This thing is gonna get chopped down and turned into HARDWOOD FLOORS!"

"CURSE YOU! DAMN YOU!"

(By now, Tong had given up all hope on writing his essay or studying, and was watching the argument with a sort of reluctant eagerness.)

"YOU CAN'T FIGHT PROGRESS, YOU DIRTY HIPPIE!"

"You should be bowing down to this tree! This tree has seen more history than anyone ever has!" Xing Cai shrieked furiously, "If an elderly man is in the way you wouldn't chop him down, would you!"

"No, you'd ship him to a retirement home," Tong said, joining in the fun. Xing Cai glared at him.

"YOU GOD DAMNED DIRTY HIPPIE! WHEN THE BULLDOZERS COME YOU'LL BE CRYING! You'll be crying and you'll be dying!" Chao bellowed.

"I won't! I won't! You'll be crying, you'll be crying!" Xing Cai yelled back.

"PARKING LOT! BEEF O' BRADY'S! JAMBA JUICE! SUBWAY!" Chao was yelling back, gesturing wildly at the empty pavilion.

"STOP IT, STOP IT!" Xing Cai shrieked.

Tong did the smart thing; he grabbed his laptop and carried it into the living room, while still hearing the screaming from down below. Stupid hippies!

* * *

Cao Pi scowled impatiently, drumming his fingers on the ride control panel. Agreeing to take this riff-raff job was the dumbest decision he'd ever made, quite possibly; but his father had always told him the best way to understand the enemy was to live in their environment.

He glanced down again and saw a series of thumbs-ups; he hit the buttons to send the coaster train out, and gave another groan.

I told myself I'd have this park under my thumb a year ago, he thought, making a face as he hit the buttons to send another train back into the station. And now here I am, supervisor of Utnom, the most popular coaster in the park… and I'm still stuck here. King of the Idiots.

Well, King of the Idiots was still a King… he checked his buzzing phone. Ah, a text from his girlfriend. He could always count on Ji to cheer him up~

He hadn't spent any time with her at all recently, in fact. Annoyed, he texted an invitation to dine like royalty under the stars (which was code for 'picnic at the park, I'm too cheap to afford anything else') to his girlfriend of about five years, and felt a smile cross his face at her immediate,

King of the Idiots is nothing without his queen, he supposed.

"OIII, PI!" bellowed Yukimura Sanada, assistant supervisor, "Send the coaster out!"

Pi shook all his visions of grandeur from his head temporarily to roll his eyes and hit the buttons to send the loaded coaster train out, and held the buttons down to allow the new coaster to come in.

"Visitors of Adventure Archipelago, this is your better speaking," Pi drawled into the PA microphone spiel system, "Laugh it up while you can, but one day, you shall all bow to me!"

He was getting more weird looks than usual. Yukimura burst through the doors to the control panel. "Pi, if you're going to go off on a world domination spiel, at least make sure the microphone's off!" he complained.

Pi sighed. Boy, that countdown to world domination got longer with every passing day, didn't it.

* * *

Tong sighed, unlocking his apartment and dropping his backpack with a groan. As usual, studying for the past week for a test didn't help him any. Friggen Dr. Takeda getting off on making up the hardest tests imaginable—arrrgh!

He kicked his flip flops off and made a beeline for the couch, intent on rotting his brain with television for the rest of the day. He tried calling Shang Xiang again and once again got her voice mail. _"Hi! This is Shang Xiang! Sorry I can't pick up the phone; if you want me to call you back, leave me a message! If you don't want me to call you back, hang up now! If you're Tong, go fuck yourself! Bye~"_

Tong made a face. Well, that answered /that/ question. "Shang, it's me, pick up the phone, will ya? I apologized for being a dick at least five times in my first message and I've done nothing but apologize since. C'mon, talk to me."

The annoying 'eight more seconds' reminder cut him off, and he rolled his eyes. "I'm sorry for being a dick, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, come over and—" Cut off. He made a face and shoved his phone back in his pocket. Well, he tried. If that didn't work he'd go yell to her at her window, or something.

He heard someone moving in the kitchen, and dismissed it to be Ning. No, Ning was in the bathroom, he heard the shower going—he got up and stomped into the kitchen, intent on beating the living hell out of whoever had the nerve to break into his—

He groaned. Well, he didn't know what he was expecting.

"CE! Get out of the kitchen!"

"What?" Ce asked innocently, "Yu hasn't gone shopping, we don't have any food!"

"Then go eat someone else's!" Tong said furiously, "or help pay for ours!"

"Here," Ce said, fishing five dollars out of his pocket and throwing it at Tong, "now help me make some sandwiches, would ya?"

"Why?" Tong asked, "I'm not helping the 'Feed a Starving Ce' foundation more than I already do!"

"I thought of a cheap date!" Ce said excitedly, "I'm taking my baby out for a picnic~!"

"You're such a sap," Tong chuckled, "she still throwing those chastity belts at you?"

Ce shrugged. "I'll wait as long as she wants me to," he said, "I mean, I already know we're gonna get married sooner or later, so there's no rush for me, I guess~"

"Yikes," Tong said, "Who are you and what have you done with Ce!"

"It's called being in love, jerk, try it sometimes," Ce said, making a face at him, "There's a lot more to life than hooking up with lots of girls~"

"I've got my whole life to be committed to someone," Tong said, rolling his eyes. "Besides, I'm too busy studying for a serious girlfriend anyway, unlike you, Mr. Shower My Girlfriend with Love and Attention~"

"I can't wait until you're all sappy over a girl and I get to remind you of this conversation," Ce said, packing about ten sandwiches into a picnic basket he'd stolen from someone, "Da makes me happy, I don't want any other girl in the whole world."

"You haven't seen the whole world!" Tong pointed out.

"So what, am I supposed to date every girl in the universe before I know for sure which one's supposed to be my girlfriend?" Ce asked, "how's that working out for you? My way seems to be working just fine."

"Up yours," Tong said, and groaned when Ce went to look through the fridge. "Ce! Why doesn't /Da/ ever bring the food!"

"She does!" Ce said, making a face, "I'm just surprising her!" He closed the top of the picnic basket and grinned. "I've got just enough time to take a shower and get changed~"

"Hey, wait, why don't you just borrow all my clothes while you're at it," Tong suggested, sarcasm evident in his voice.

Ce shook his head, his shaggy brown hair going everywhere. "That's okay," he said, tousling his hair, "you're a skinny dude, your clothes won't fit me~ but thanks for the offer!" He gave his friend a winning smile and took off.

Tong folded his arms disapprovingly. Freakin' Ce!

* * *

"Ceeeeeeee," Da Qiao said excitedly, throwing herself into her boyfriend's arms as the doorbell rang, "oh, it's so good to see you!"

"Hey, babe," Ce said cheerfully, kissing his girlfriend's cheek, "guess where I'm taking you~"

"WHERE!" Da asked excitedly, her eyes lighting up.

"I figured we'd do things the fun way," he said, grinning, "I got my truck back, let's have a picnic in the back! It's a nice night, right?"

Sure, Ce was taking the cheap way out, Da wasn't dumb enough not to figure that one out, but the gesture was so sweet it almost made her want to squeal. Ce was the best boyfriend /ever/~

"Give me a moment to change?" she asked, "I wore these all day!"

Ce grinned. "You look great to me… but sure, I'll be right here~"

"Okay! Come inside!" Da told him, and scurried off towards her bedroom.

Ce nodded, stepping inside and settling on the couch. He hadn't yet realized the pretty ficus next to the couch in the corner had a pair of wide, blue-gray eyes staring at him… until he looked over and screamed bloody murder.

"HI CE!" shrieked Xiao Qiao, submerging from the plant and coming over to sit next to him, bouncing up and down excitedly.

"Hey, Xiao," Ce said, grinning at her. Xiao'd had a crush on him since he'd started dating Da; he'd tried to set her up on a date with his best friend Zhou Yu (who so rarely came out of his room during the semester he hasn't appeared in person in the story yet).

Needless to say, that hadn't gone well; Yu had come home, his normally perfectly quaffed long, silky black hair looking frizzed out and his eyes nearly bulging out of his head. Ce hadn't asked for an explanation; he figured the fact that Yu didn't impale him with a large stick was enough of a blessing.

Anyway, she was here, and hyperactive as usual, and Ce was very much hoping his girlfriend would come back already!

"Is Shang Xiang around?" Ce asked.

"Yeah, she's all shut up in her room, something about being mad, or something," Xiao said, making a face.

"She's mad? About what?" Ce asked.

"Couldn't tell ya! She didn't say and I didn't ask, she had that death look on her face," Xiao said, wincing.

Ce laughed. "I know that look all too well… so how've ya been, Xiao?"

"Good," Xiao said, smiling hugely at Ce.

Things got very quiet. Ce cleared his throat. "So, uh, how's the whole FUCK thing working out for you?"

Xiao opened her mouth to answer, but the narration has decided to briefly pause the story to explain. "FUCK" was a clever code for "Florida University Cheering Kamikazes". Coach Dong Zhuo had taken great extensive measures to ensure that name stayed; many a meeting with the school board finally wore them down, and Coach Dong was able to keep all copyrights to the name.

"All things considered I'm a pretty good FUCK," Xiao said, nodding, her eyes dancing with excitement. "Coach says if I keep up the good work, I'll be the best FUCK he's ever had!" She giggled.

Ce nodded guilelessly. "Sounds cool! First game of the season is in two weeks, I can't wait to see you guys in action, it's awesome knowing someone on the team!"

"Same here!" Xiao said, nodding excitedly.

A smiling Da came back, her hair done up in two messy pigtail buns, dressed in a big red sweater that nearly swallowed her whole and a blue skirt. Ce beamed; she was so damned beautiful and adorable and amazing~

"Do I look okay?" she worried.

"Better than okay!" Ce told her, getting up and kissing her, "now c'mon, if we hurry we can watch the sunset you love so much~ see ya later, Xiao!"

"Bye," Xiao grumbled, over her sister's squealing.

* * *

(1) By "mandolin" Tong isn't referring to the stringed instrument of the lute family; he's referring to the culinary mandolin, which is an adjustable tool for slicing vegetables. Basically Ina wants to chop his dick up into little bitty slices (like what you do to a banana when you want it in your cereal).

(2) Ma Yun Lu (or Ma Yun Lu) was Ma Chao's little sister. I forget the specifics; in something, she was married to Zhao Yun. That's as detailed an explanation as I'm going to give off the top of my head. XD

I've seen the girls' names spelled Huang Yueying, Zhang Xingcai, Ma Yunlu, Sun Shangxiang… is there any correct spelling? I use "Huang Yue Ying", "Zhang Xing Cai", "Ma Yun Lu" and "Sun Shang Xiang" since that's how they look in the game (with exception of Ma Yun Lu who does not exist).

…and once again Tong takes over the entire story? XD DAMMIT LING TONG WHY DO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH ARRRGH.


	3. Lousy Grade Parade

I can't believe I haven't posted this already!

I do not own anything used in this story. All video game characters, songs, brand names, and so on are the property of their rightful owners. Please don't come after me and sue me, it'll be the most disappointing lawsuit of your life because I don't have any money.

Chapter 3~ a frequently asked about character makes his grand appearance! :)

* * *

Grand Fountain park was, as expected, pretty close to empty by the time Ce and Da arrived, Ce lugging the picnic basket and Da carrying a portable DVD player. Their favorite kind of date since the recession hit and all of Ce's money went to gas—filling a Dodge Ram 3500's gas tank was kind of lethal on a paycheck—had been a picnic in the park.

Once they got bored of staring into each other's eyes lovingly, they would watch a movie on the DVD player (sure beat paying for a movie) and then do other fluffmantic stuff the narration can't stomach to write about.

Anyway, the two lovebirds laid out a blanket and began their feast; the narration will maintain this style of narrating until the fluffy goo-goo nicknames and whatnot end. This is a comedy story, if you want a Ce/Da fluffest, go elsewhere.

The narration will now cease the breaking of the fourth wall (well, how else are we going to kill the allotted time space for the Ce/Da date? We're certainly not going to describe it to you!) and go back to our characters.

"You're the most beautiful girl ever," Ce gushed.

Da giggled sweetly. She'd heard that line before—as the winner of Little Miss Florida, Miss Florida, and the 'You're Just That Beautiful' award, she was _quite _used to men praising her beauty (and trying to get in her pants shortly thereafter). But Ce was different… he actually _meant_ it. He wasn't some sleazebag looking for a one-night-stand, or a two-night-stand, or any kind of stand; no, he actually loved her, and best of all, she loved him.

(If you're thinking 'hey, I thought the narration was going to _spare_ me from reading all this fluffy crap, WTF is going on!', don't worry, this is all part of the plot. Bear with us.)

While this nauseating scene was going on, another main character couple was nearby. Pi and his longtime girlfriend, Ji (who did not approve of their adoring fans titling them 'Mount Piji') were taking a romantic stroll through the park… making fun of all the cheap, lower-class rabble taking advantage of the no-admission cost of the park to have fun.

For Ce and Da, it was more about being together than it was where they were together; for Pi and Ji, well, they liked making fun of everyone. The King stands tallest when everyone around him doesn't have a head… or something like that, at least.

"Look over there, Ji," Pi commented, gesturing towards Ce and Da. "A perfect example of how the middle class spends their days."

"Shut your mouth, you jerk," Ce growled, overhearing, getting to his feet.

"Ceeee," Da wailed, "don't, you'll get hurt!"

"At ease," Pi answered, "I've got better things to do with my evening than dirty my clothes scuffling with the rabble~"

"Ohhhh, Pi, you have such a way with words," Ji cooed, her hands to her face.

Ce might be loaded thanks to his father's Governor position, but at heart he was a country boy. He wasn't one for the big words and arguing; he was one for the scuffling. He got up, standing in front of Da, scowling at Pi.

"Oh, now he's standing up, Ji," commented Pi, "what're you going to do, farmer boy, hogtie me?"

"That'd be a disgrace to the hog," Da piped up, frowning, "both of you terrible people go away and leave us alone!"

"Sure, let me get right on that," Ji answered, "isn't that cute, Sun's little lapdog is trained~"

"You two wouldn't know a warning if it bit you on the ass," Ce said, folding his arms, "why don't you two make like a tree and go fuck yourselves, you're not worth the time it'd take to beat you down~"

That touched a nerve with Pi. "What was that?"

"What's the matter, Pi, too many big words?" Ce retorted, firmly aware the pot was currently calling the kettle black but not caring either, "now get! Don't let the Ferrari doors hit you on the way out!"

"OH JUST GET TO THE FIGHT ALREADY!" bellowed a young adult female wearing black framed glasses, her brown hair tied into a ponytail, bearing a staggering resemblance to the author, "There's only one way to settle this and that's a no-holds barred showdown! …naked!"

Ce and Pi eyed her strangely. She sighed. "Oh, _fine,_ not naked—sissies!"

Pi opened his mouth to retort; normally Ce would've tackled him, but that wouldn't have been the noble or the honorable thing to do—he wasn't a 'the better man walks away from the fight' kind of guy, that was what people who didn't want their asses kicked said to prevent said asses from being kicked—but his dad had always taught him if he was going to fight someone to do it in the fair way. So no cheap shots!

"Kick him in the balls, darling!" Da encouraged, not helping Ce's 'honorable attack' plan at all.

The fight finally got underway, mostly because the author can't think of a way to drag on the pre-fight suspense any longer, and you the readers probably don't want to read it, and now that this fourth wall has been successfully vanquished, let's see what they're up to.

Right now, Ce had Pi in a headlock—and Pi was trying to squirm free—and Ce just got kicked in the stomach, _ouch_—and now, Pi did a flip kick to free himself, and Ce wound up on the bottom.

Several girls wearing 'Edward/Jacob' t-shirts cheered.

Ce punched Pi in the stomach and threw him off him, and Pi went rolling down one of the hills in the park… and tumbled right into the Grand Fountain itself.

Most park names are misnomers; "Al Lopez Park" might be the name, but Al Lopez does not in fact live in the park. "Grand Fountain Park" is an exception to this rule, as it does, actually, live in the park. Or exist in the park, rather.

Anyway, Pi landed in the stone fountain with a splash, kicking up water and coins, disturbing wishes with every splash. The fountain was huge, at least three feet deep and very, very very wide, with a geyser rising from the top of it.

Ce dove in after Pi, and what resulted was a very wet, very soggy brawl between two hunky muscular guys.

Ji had already followed down the hill, and was now recording the brawl on her cell phone; Da was both cringing and ogling at the same time.

A giant puff of artificial smoke disturbed all the onlookers, suddenly, and a girl jumped from out of the smoke and beamed. "I'm Kunoichi the ninja! Anyone who wants to see the two hunky college boys fight, that'll be $5! Step right up!"

"Why should I pay you admission when I can stand right here and watch?" asked one girl.

"Yeah, who died and made you the boss?" asked another.

Kunoichi pouted, opening her mouth to retort, when sirens went off behind them.

"What's going on!" shouted one park deputy.

"Who's in the fountain!" asked another.

"She's responsible, officer," said the first scorned girl, "see, she's selling tickets and everything!"

"You're coming with us, missy," said the park deputy, "nobody stirs up trouble in the Grand Fountain on our watch!"

"No! Wait! I'm the amazing Kunoichi! You can't arrest me!" Kunoichi wailed, getting handcuffed. "No handcuffs can contain me!"

"What is she, a magician?" asked the other deputy.

"I think she's going to jail," said the first deputy.

"Not if I can break through these cuffs! Ninjitsu time!" shouted Kunoichi, and she dropped another smoke bomb, which exploded.

The smoke cleared, revealing Kunoichi, still wearing the cuffs. She looked down at them and back up at the officers sheepishly. "These are _exceptionally_ well made!"

"Jail," said the first deputy, grabbing her under her elbow, "let's go, missy."

While Kunoichi was dragged off for maybe a sentence of two hours of community service for disturbing the peace, Ce and Pi's fight seemed to have reached a stalemate. Both of them were so tightly grappling the other in some kind of advanced wrestling pretzel twist move neither of them could move.

And thus people began bored. Ce and Pi were non-relenting, and were going to stand there all _night_ if they absolutely had to, dammit.

* * *

"As I expected, you all did atrociously on these exams," said Dr. Zhuge Liang, the school's most accredited chemistry teacher (probably because his classes were so ridiculously impossible most students had to take them five times, and taking a class five times = paying for the class five times = more money for FU). "If you're going to wipe out on an exam, please do me a kindness and make your answers interesting, yes?"

Tong groaned and looked at Yu (no, not YOU, Zhou Yu! That was something Yu had to deal with quite often, he had a theory his parents were sadists). "How you think you did?" he asked sleepily.

"Poorly," Yu groaned, "Dammit all, Tong, how the hell are we supposed to pass this—are you alright?"

"No," Tong complained, "That stupid hippie up in my tree kept me up all night! I told her if she's going to take up occupancy in my tree to kindly leave me alone while she's doing it, but then I had to listen to her whine about how lonely she was up there!"

"Sucks," said Yu, narrowing his eyes in a glare when Dr. Zhuge passed their table.

"Mr. Zhou, an excellent grade, as expected," Dr. Zhuge said, dropping a test with a large "A" marked on it.

Yu's eyes lit up and he reached for the paper like it was a ticket to heaven; Dr. Zhuge stopped, snatching the paper back and furrowed his brow.

"Oh, my mistake. That's not _your_paper. _This_ is your paper, Mr. Zhou." He dropped a "C" on Yu's desk. Yu normally would've hyperventilated at this—Tong had pictures on his camera phone documenting it (something had to cheer him up from his conga line of lousy grades in this class)—but now, he expected it, and instead growled under his breath, scrunching the test up in his clenched fists.

"Easy, Yu," Tong said, rolling his eyes.

Dr. Zhuge dropped a "D" on Tong's desk. "Mr. Ling, I'd say I expect better next time, but the parade of lousy grades I entered in the online grade book suggests I say otherwise," he said smoothly.

"Yeah, you just laugh, I'm gonna ruin you on Rate My Professor," Tong shot back, "Your dumb D's don't affect me anymore, I'm immune to them~"

Truthfully he was _not_immune, and every D he got in this class made him want to kill himself particularly after how hard he studied, but Tong was the type to rise above the stupid and come out on top. (Spend two days in the company of his best friends, and you'd have to do it too!)

"Class dismissed," Dr. Zhuge said, once the tests were all distributed (going over the test was a pipe dream in Dr. Zhuge's class; "you've already failed it, why even bother?" was mounted on a plaque above the whiteboard).

"Uggggggh," Tong groaned, glaring at the D, "I'm so sick of these damn things!"

"_A C IS UNFORGIVABLE_," Yu hissed, furiously, "God _damn_ that evil man!"

"If anyone needs to get their house egged it's _that_ guy," Tong said, making a face, as they left the building together. "Where're you going next?"

"To my room, to cry," said Yu, sadly, "see you later, Tong…"

"Don't be too hard on yourself, Yu, remember the effects Vitamin D has on your happiness," Tong said, gesturing to the sunshine.

"You got a "D", Tong, I'm not so sure I should be taking health advice from you," Yu said lightly, "Just kidding~" He went off in the direction of the dorms again.

Tong glared at the D again for good measure before squashing it mercilessly in his hand, and hiking back up the stupid stairs for stupid Calculus. He hated math more than he hated organic chemistry, but at least he sat next to Ning and Ning made telephone operators seem like intelligent, hardworking individuals.

* * *

Ning was, as expected, asleep once Tong got there; Tong rolled his eyes and sat down, drumming his fingers on the desk impatiently. They'd had a test in here last Tuesday, and stupid Dr. Akeichi promised to have the grades up by today.

"What's up, guys," drawled Magoichi Saika, from behind Tong (announcing his presence with a hard poke to the back of Tong's head).

Tong squawked and fixed his hair immediately before making a face. "What do you want, Magoichi!"

"Just sayin' next time we have a test… you and I'll get along a lot better if you turn your paper at a rough 70 degree angle," Magoichi answered.

Tong rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

"What's he so sleepy for?" Magoichi asked, looking at Ning (snoring up the place).

"How the hell should I know? Some dirty hippie's not keeping _him_up all night," Tong complained.

"Hippie? That chick Xing Cai's still up in that tree?" Magoichi asked, "I thought I heard someone shouting up there but I thought Keiji fell out the window again, or somethin'."

"Alright, all of you," said Dr. Mitsuhide Akeichi, "Ning, wake the hell up, would you… someone wake him up, please?"

Tong punched him; Ning woke up, punched him back, and scowled, before realizing he'd just punched Tong.

"Sorry buddy," he said, "killer instinct~"

"If I have a bruise on my face I'm going to _kill you_," Tong growled.

Dr. Akeichi sighed. "Hey, enough of the UST, you two." Ignoring Tong and Ning's squawks of indignation and giggles from all the girls, he took a file from his briefcase and took out a stack of papers.

"Surprisingly, nobody _failed_," he said, beginning to distribute tests, "so these aren't curved, this is the result of your blood, sweat, and tears, folks. Also, I'd like to say thank you to the smartass who circled 'x' and said "here it is" on problem #14? It gave me a nice laugh."

Ning grinned hugely. "That was me!"

Dr. Akeichi sighed. "Tong, I'm disappointed, you normally do much better than this…"

Tong took the paper and squawked. "A C! How the hell did I get a friggen C! I'm good at math!"

"Apparently not," said Magoichi, smirking, "Serves you right, you pretty boy know-it-a—oh, _shit_, that means I got a C too!"

Dr. Akeichi glared at Magoichi, who smiled sheepishly. "Tong is a dear, _dear_ friend of mine, we study together," Magoichi explained quickly.

Tong rolled his eyes. So did Dr. Akeichi. "Tong, I might suggest studying with Ning next time, he did fairly well," he commented.

Ning had a blank look on his face. "What?"

"You got an C," said Dr. Akeichi, "which is a vast improvement over your other grades, try to contain your joy, there."

Ning took the paper and stared at it. "Is this seriously mine!"

"That's your name on the top of the paper," Dr. Akeichi pointed out.

Tong groaned and began hitting his head on the desk.

Ning glared at him. "I don't shit on your happy parades!"

Class was over in about an hour, and after Tong had successfully shaken off Magoichi (who wanted to 'take them out to lunch', code for 'I don't have any money will you guys buy me some food?') he looked at his "C" mournfully.

"I've never gotten a C in calculus before!" he whined.

"Me either," said Ning, still looking at the test like it was a check for a million dollars. "This thing's goin' on the fridge!"

Tong groaned again. "This's been the worst day _ever_! I got a D on that stupid organic test too!"

"Sucks for you," Ning said, "that's why you should go with my 'tape a $20 to the scantron' scheme! hey, Shang Xiang's over there, day just got a little better. SHANG XIAAAAAAAAAAANG LOOK AT MY C~"

"Ning, hey!" Shang Xiang said, grinning at him and giving Tong an unmistakable 'burn in the pits of hell for all I care' glare."

Ning held the C out about an inch from her face. "I got a C!"

"Is that good?" Shang Xiang asked, apparently not sure how to react here, leaning back a bit to look at the giant red "C" scrawled across the page.

"It's the _best_," Ning said, nodding excitedly. "Tong did too, and now he's scorning the Way of the C!"

"_Way of the C_?" Tong repeated, "Ning, it's one C, it'll stand out amongst your parades of Fs but otherwise it's still a shitty grade!"

Ning glared at him. "Way to ruin all my fun!"

"Don't sweat it Ning, Tong's a big dick in every sense but the literal one," Shang Xiang replied sagely.

"How do you know that?" Ning asked suspiciously.

Tong rolled his eyes in exasperation. "You're still pissed off?"

"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock," Shang Xiang replied lightly, grabbing Ning's arm, "c'mon, Ning, I'm hungry~"

"What do you want me to do about it?" Ning asked, but let her drag him off anyway.

Tong folded his arms and made a face. "I need some better friends."

"Yeah," Ce agreed.

Tong did a double-take. "Wh-where'd you come from!" he squawked.

"I'm like a ninja. I'm everywhere," Ce replied cheerfully.

"Did somebody say—NINJA!" shouted a girl's voice, and all of a sudden the entire hallway filled with pink and white smoke courtesy of some two-dollar smoke bombs.

"Beware my mighty ninjitsu!" yelled Kunoichi, diving on the scene and apparently under the impression someone would believe she was a real ninja.

"Dammit, Kunoichi, I don't care how much of a ninja you pretend to be, you can attach me to the wall with those freaking ninja stars but I am not giving you those extra points!" raged Dr. Lu, looking like he was about to kill someone.

Kunoichi pouted. "Aw, come on! Please?"

"No! You didn't earn them! And if I gave you extra points, I'd have to give everyone extra points, and I'd like to be out of here in time to watch Days of Our Shards (1)—I meaan, errrr, grade papers!"

"Pleaaaase?"

"NO!"

"Plea—"

Johnny Yong Bo—I mean, Yukimura Sanada—finally came on the scene, picked Kunoichi up, threw her over his shoulder, and gave Dr. Lu an apologetic look before carrying her away.

"No! No! Dammit Yukimura, but I guess if you're gonna drag me off to have your wicked way with me I'd rather it be in front of people~" Kunoichi grinned.

Yukimura turned about five shades of red and groaned.

"That was weird," Ce commented.

"Why's your sister still pissed at me?" Tong asked, "I didn't do anything!"

"Really?" Ce asked, "I seem to recall her mentioning what a large dick you were—only figuratively, of course~"

"How does everyone apparently know the size of my damned penis!" Tong complained.

"Because you're a whore. Anyway, I would suggest flowers and chocolates and lots and lots of apologizing and—"

Tong cut that fluff fest short. "What the hell do I have to apologize for! And she's not my _girlfriend_, Ce, save the fluffy crap for you and Da."

"Our date was great last night!" Ce said excitedly, going all starry-eyed, "Da's so pretty and wonderful and amazing and I beat the shit out of that loser Cao Pi~"

Tong groaned again.

* * *

Ning made a face, hearing the shower in the next room squeak. That was weird, Tong wasn't home…

He reluctantly got off the couch and went over towards Tong's room. As usual, it was locked, but that didn't pose a threat for Ning; he took out his multipurpose tool and easily picked the lock open.

"YOU!" Ning shouted, recognizing the towel-clad girl getting out of the shower, "You're that damn hippie from up in the… hey, wait a minute!"

Xing Cai sighed, hiking the towel up further. "Yeah, yeah, you caught me, I've been sneaking in here to take a shower for the past week! Blame your stupid roommate, it's not my fault he leaves his window open! And he's got great hair conditioner!"

Ning narrowed his eyes. "Breaking and entering is a felony! Or somethin'… I know it's bad!" He was quite truthfully distracted by the towel (or rather, what was under it) and was having trouble thinking of threatening things to say.

Xing Cai apparently noticed this. "Wh-what are you staring at?"

Ning crossed the distance between them and picked her up around her waist. Xing Cai squawked in protest, which Ning ignored, and he dropped her unceremoniously on Tong's bed before dropping down on top of her.

"You're hot," he told her.

"So are you," said Xing Cai, grabbing him by his neck and pulling him down to kiss him senseless.

* * *

"Shang Xiang, dammit, lemme in," Tong said, knocking on the door to Sun Shang Xiang's (and the Qiaos') apartment. "C'mon, if you don't come out I'm going to sit out here until you do! DAMMIT SHANG XI—"

The door opened in the middle of Tong's sentence, revealing a sleepy-eyed Xiao. "WHAT!" she squawked. "I was studying! Tests don't fail themselves ya know!"

Tong shoved through the doorframe, not about to be locked out in case Xiao was mad, and put on a winning smile. "Is Shang Xiang around?"

"Yes," Xiao said guilelessly, "Why?"

"Can I talk to her?" Tong asked, blinking a few times at the idiocy.

"Okay~ SHANG XIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANG," she shouted, causing Tong to jump with the sudden loudness, "some guy's here to talk to you!"

Tong groaned. "You know my name!"

"If I said 'Tong's here to talk to you' she wouldn't come!" Xiao pointed out, "She's mad at you, DURRR~"

"Some guy!" Shang Xiang asked excitedly, bounding out of her room, and scowling when she saw Tong. "I don't see anyone!"

"Very funny," Tong answered, "Shang Xiang, why the hell are you still mad at me? I didn't do anything!"

"If you don't know what I did then I'm not going to tell you," Shang Xiang huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.

"That doesn't make any sense!" Tong pointed out, annoyed.

"Does too," Xiao piped up, always interested to see fighting. (Tong was more confused by her shirt, which read 'I'm a great FUCK!'.)

Shang Xiang looked him up and down. "Is that a sunburn on your arms?"

"Yes," Tong grumbled, "and it's all over my back and my chest too, I forgot the damn sunscreen yesterday! But that's not the friggen point, Shang Xiang, stop trying to—OWWWW LEGGO OW OW OW OW OW SHANG XIAAAAAAANG!"

Shang Xiang ignored him, crossing towards him and grabbing his arms, pushing him towards the door, shoving him as much as humanly possible. "Get outta my house!" she shouted, and slammed the door in his face.

"Way to go Shang Xiang!" Xiao cheered.

"Yeah, yeah," said Shang Xiang, "I just—dammit, Xiao, what did I tell you about wearing that shirt!"

"What about it?" Xiao whined, "Master Dong _loves_ it when we wear our shirts!"

"Master?" Shang Xiang questioned, "don't you mean 'coach'?"

"No, he asked us to call him Master," said Xiao, with a shrug, "he's a silly man~"

Shang Xiang groaned.

* * *

Tong, grumbling under his breath about how sunburned he was and what a lousy friends he had, unlocked the door to his own dorm and went inside.

"Ning, I'm back," he shouted, going into the kitchen to get some food, "and Shang Xiang's still being a crazy—" He stopped, seeing the aforementioned 'C' taped to the refrigerator, and glared at it menacingly.

"Ning, care to tell me why our fridge is celebrating your rise from failure into mediocrity?" Tong demanded, going down the hall to look for him, and stopping. "What the FUCK are you doing on my—HOLY SHIT WHAT'S THE HIPPIE GIRL DOING IN HERE!"

A very disheveled Xing Cai pushed Ning off her and glared at Tong. "I have a name!"

"I don't care! Ning, what the hell are you doing molesting her on my bed!" Tong squawked, "if you're going to molest her take her to your own room!"

"Too far to walk," Ning said, fixing his hair, looking rather out of breath himself.

Xing Cai sat up to defend herself, and froze when she heard the sound of bulldozers and chainsaws and cranes and the like outside. "What is—"

"Alright, boys, take 'er down!" shouted some guy down below, and Xing Cai's eyes widened in horror as the tree toppled over.

"NO!" she wailed, "DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT! This is why you never leave the tree!"

"Cheer up, babe, at least you got yourself a piece of Gan Ning," Ning said cheerfully.

Xing Cai whirled, glaring at him. "This is all your fault!" she hissed, "I hold you responsible for the death of that tree!"

"Okay," said Ning, not phased.

Xing Cai glared at him still, before going one higher and punching him in the face. Tong winced, catching a glimpse at Xing Cai's toned bicep as her fist slammed into Ning's cheek (well, that explained how she got up the fifty-foot tree in the first place, Tong hadn't noticed any ladders).

"ARRGH," Ning wailed.

"TREE KILLER!" Xing Cai shouted, "that tree's blood is on your hands!" And she stormed out of the room.

She came back in five seconds later to snatch up her clothes, and stormed off.

Tong sighed. "Well, I'm not going to say I told you so."

Ning glared at him. "You didn't tell me so!"

"That's why I said I wasn't going to say it!"

Ning opened his mouth to retort, but was interrupted by the recognizable sounds of a bulldozer outside. "What's going on now?"

"Sounds like construction trucks," said Tong, "hey, maybe it'll be like what happened in Transformers 2, with Devastator!" He grinned.

"Was that the thing with the balls who ate the pyramid? All I remember of that movie was Megan Fox was wearing white jeans and they didn't get dirty," Ning grumbled, holding his cheek painfully. "And yeah, they are construction trucks, looks like they're gonna get started on that University shopping center…"

"I thought they said they weren't going to continue with the construction because of the recession!" Tong squawked, looking with disdain at all the bulldozers paving the land.

"Yeah, they changed their minds," Ning said, making a face.

Tong groaned. "How the hell am I gonna study with that racket! This is worse than the freaking hippie!"

"Tell that to my face," Ning grumbled, "I'm getting some fucking ice!"

* * *

Yun was, for once, watching TV in his apartment, alone. Chao was off god-knows-where doing god-knows-what, probably something to do with that justice fest of his he was planning.

Packages had been coming to the apartment all day; the constant banging on the door had been so frustrating that Yun had given up on studying and was watching a marathon of Sabrina the Teenage Witch instead.

Yun had to admit, Chao didn't half-do things at all. When he committed himself to something he committed himself 110%. Probably why he'd make a good criminal prosecutor in a few years.

"YUUUUUUUUUUUN," shouted Chao on the other side of the apartment door, "lemme in, will ya?"

Yun sighed—easy come, easy go, he supposed—and got up to answer the door. Chao was holding an armful of packages, and they were piled so high all Yun could see of his best friend was about four inches of spiky blonde hair.

"What is all that, Chao?" Yun asked, as Chao managed his way through the door and dropped all the packages on the ground.

"You'll see," said Chao, digging his pocketknife out of his pocket and opening the top package, a long, thin box. He took something out of it and shoved a colorful, glossy poster in Yun's face.

"Justiceapalooza," read Yun, "come embrace all the fun that is justice. Events include justice-themed events such as the Jump for Justice, the Jive for Justice, and the always-popular Joust for Justice. Catering provided by Kentucky Fried Chicken, musical entertainment provided by TAYLOR SWIFT!"

He squawked that last part. "Chao, how the hell did you book Taylor Swift! Her concert tickets sell out in five minutes!"

Yun was a huge Taylor Swift fan. Not only did he have every song on his iPod, he _still_ got tears in his eyes when he heard 'Teardrops on My Guitar', dammit. It was a beautiful song! And don't get him started on 'Love Story' or 'I'd Lie'!

Chao looked around the room pointedly. "I, uh, well, didn't really get Taylor Swift. But I got something just as good!"

"A hologram?" Yun guessed.

"No. I'm putting a pair of sunglasses on Yun Lu, she has a curling iron for her hair," answered Chao. "What! She's a wonderful singer!"

"She is not!" Yun complained, "well, even if she is, she's not Taylor Swift!"

Chao made a face at him. "That remains to be seen! Nobody will be able to tell, Yun!"

"Yes, yes, I'm sure," Yun sighed.

Chao looked outraged. "Are you questioning my judgment! This is what I get for choosing assistants with brains! A trained monkey wouldn't question my judgment!"

"A trained monkey wouldn't know any better," Yun said dryly, "as long as it sees something to throw feces at!"

"Point taken, Yun. Next time, I'm hiring an idiot," Chao grumbled.

(Somewhere in the dormitory, Ce sneezed.)

* * *

"Kind of sucks, really," commented Tong, watching the poor tree have its limbs sawed off outside, while the bulldozers paved the ground preparing for construction. "That tree'd been here longer than any of us have, and just like that, it gets torn down by the greedy iron fist of big busin—OW!"

Ning had punched him. "Don't go all hippie on me!" he grumbled, re-adjusting the ice pack he was holding to his face.

Tong rolled his eyes. "Says the guy who was making out with a hippie on my bed! That's disgusting!"

"Cry about it!" Ning said shortly, "and on that subject, I'm hungry!"

"What do you want me to do about it?" Tong asked, ignoring the fact that the contents—or lack there of—of Ning's stomach had nothing to do with the murder of a tree.

"I think that's fairly obvious," Ning answered, "Fix something for dinner!"

"I'm not your mother and I'm not your wife! I'm not responsible for feeding you!" Tong retorted, crossing his arms in outrage.

Ning made to punch him again, and stopped. "Wait, so if you _were_ my mother or my wife, you'd feed me?"

Tong looked at him blankly. "I'm gonna give you a minute to contemplate the stupidity of what you just said." He dialed Shang Xiang's number again. "Dammit, Shang Xiang, answer your damn phone!" He groaned in exasperation as her voice mail politely told him to go fuck himself, again, and glared at Ning. "Why won't she talk to me!"

"Because you blew her off to talk to some dumb blonde chick," said Ning. "I would know, seeing as she told me~"

"She told you?" Tong repeated.

Ning nodded. "Yup. She told me if I bought 'er lunch, she'd tell me why she was pissed off at you, for the sole purpose of dangling it over your head mercilessly while you begged and cried." He stopped. "Oh, wait, fuck, I told you! SHIT!"

Tong folded his arms. "She say anything else?"

"She also told me she wasn't going to talk to you until you apologized to her, and I promised her I'm a solid wall of silence and you'd never hear it from me, so just _try_and make me talk!" Ning smiled, proud of himself. He stopped again. "SHIT!"

"She's really mad about that?" Tong asked, incredulously.

Ning stared at him. "You already forgot?"

Tong looked at him strangely. "This is why people think you have brain damage, Ning."

Ning glared at him.

Tong, not particularly caring, stopped himself from dialing Shang Xiang's number again—even if he was going to apologize she wouldn't pick the phone up anyway and if he had to hear her cheerfully tell him to go fuck himself again he'd be too overwhelmed with the urge to strangle her to apologize properly—and grinned. "I got a plan."

"So do I!" said Ning.

Tong looked at him blankly. "You do? What is it?"

"To listen to your plan!"

Tong looked at him for a good minute before shaking his head (one would think he'd be used to Ning's special brand of idiocy by now, but one would be wrong). "Call Shang Xiang up and ask her where she is."

"No way!" Ning said haughtily.

"Why not!" Tong squawked.

"I'm not about to let you manipulate me into assisting you in some evil scheme!" Ning said, crossing his arms over his chest, "count me out!"

Tong groaned. "Tell her to meet you at the Subway and I'll buy you a sub."

"DONE~" Ning cheerfully punched in Shang Xiang's number, while Tong rolled his eyes and made sure he had five dollars.

"She says she'll meet me there in five minutes and she specifically said not tell you," Ning reported. Then he groaned again. "Aw, FUCK!"

* * *

"It figures the one actual time I want her to be here on time, Shang Xiang acts like a typical woman and doesn't show up!" Tong grumbled furiously.

"She said she was at the hair place, quit freaking out," said Ning, checking his phone for the time, taking another bite out of his sub.

Tong glared at him. "I said I'd buy you a five-dollar footlong. The sandwich doesn't _still_ cost $5 after you add a million different meats to it, Ning!"

"That's how they get you," said Ning. "And then you add the drink and the chips and the cookie and then you're in for about nine, ten bucks~"

Tong gritted his teeth. If he could go back and time and strangle the 11-year-old Tong who said 'Hi' to 11-year-old Ning, he _would_.

…okay, no, he wouldn't. But he'd definitely go back in time to yesterday and punch the best-friend-blowing-off-asshole Tong in the back of the head for getting him into all these messes.

Thankfully temporal mechanics does not factor into this story, as it'd be one more thing for the narration to mess up, so Shang Xiang chose this moment to walk into the Subway and prevent the narration from coming up with more hopefully witty fourth-wall-breaking remarks.

Tong ducked under the table; Ning waved her over. "Shang Xiang, hey~"

Shang Xiang looked over, and grinned. "Ning!" she said cheerfully, coming over, "what do you think of my hair?"

"Looks good," Ning said, grinning, "I didn't see you as a blonde~"

"I'm not a blonde, it's like two streaks," Shang Xiang complained, twirling a longer piece of her almost shoulder-length brown hair.

"Highlights?"

"No, not highlights, highlights are the whole head!" Shang Xiang said, shaking her head, "Streaks are a completely different thing!"

"How should I know?" Ning complained, "boys don't know this stuff!"

Shang Xiang shrugged. "Well, you _do_ have the best hair out of every guy I've ever met~"

Tong winced under the table, a hand going to his hair subconsciously. That hurt.

"Anyway, what's up?" Shang Xiang looked at the half-eaten sub across from Ning.

Ning saw it too, a bit too late. "I ordered for you!"

"…it's bitten off of!" Shang Xiang pointed out.

"Had to make sure it wasn't poison," Ning answered, shaking his head, "you know about eight people have died in this Subway?"

"That's not true!" bellowed the manager.

"You want me to call the news?" Ning demanded. The manager glowered at him.

Shang Xiang sighed. "Tong, get out from under the table!"

THUNK. "Ow," Tong complained, getting up and making a face. "Can I at least say something?"

"Sure," Shang Xiang said, "tell it to that poisoned sandwich, I'm sure it'll listen. Nice try, Ning."

Ning groaned, watching her stomp out of the Subway. "Well, that was a—"

Tong wouldn't be Tong if he let someone he annoyed get off that easily, and reached for the Math textbook some girl was using.

"Can I borrow this?" he asked, flashing her a smile and killing half the women in the room.

The girl nodded about fifteen thousand times. "Uh huh!" she said, excitedly. (The girl's _boyfriend_ also said quite a few things, none of them kind.)

"Thanks." Tong loosened the cargo shorts he was wearing enough to shove the math book into the front of his pants.

"What the hell are you doing?" Ning asked, through a mouthful of Subway. (Hey, he'd done the job that was required of him!)

"Going after her," Tong said, and went back outside. "Shang Xiang!"

Shang Xiang raised a rather unladylike hand gesture over her head. Tong groaned. "Dammit, Shang Xiang!"

He sprinted after her, grabbed her shoulders, and turned her around so she was looking at him. "You're seriously not talking to me?"

Shang Xiang, not about to answer that question for the thirtieth time, went to plan B—kick him. She brought her knee up to hit him in the balls and—"ow!" she whined, her knee hitting a—

"Math book," Tong replied, smirking at her, "Nice try."

Shang Xiang glared at him.

Tong sighed. "Shang Xiang, c'mon. Listen to me. I'm sorry. I know you're mad at me, I was acting like a dick.

"You were," Shang Xiang said, her arms still folded. "It's not that you were hitting on that girl, you _always_do that—it's just—I dunno, you're supposed to be my best friend, don't blow me off for some faceless girl!"

"I'm sorry," Tong said again, mentally aware he /sucked/ at apologizing, even when he was actually sorry. "Here, look, I'll take the book out—if it'll make you feel better, kick me in the balls, as hard as you want." He loosened his pants enough to pull out the Math book lodged in there, and squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for Shang Xiang's sneaker to smash into his poor crotch.

The foot didn't come; Tong cracked an eye open suspiciously (it'd be just like her to psychologically torture him and then kick him when he least expected it) and was pleasantly surprised to see she was smiling again.

"I'm not going to kick you," she told him, "just don't do it again, okay?"

"I won't," Tong promised her, "friends again?"

Shang Xiang grinned at him, holding her arms out for a hug. "Duh~ where would I be if I didn't have your failing to always make me feel better about myself~"

Tong rolled his eyes, pulling her close. "Yeah, yeah," he said.

"Hooray, everyone's friends again," Ning said cheerfully, showing up out of nowhere, interrupting the fluffy scene and thumping them both on their backs, "I want ice cream and I think there's some in the fridge~"

"Wanna come?" Tong asked, looking down at Shang Xiang.

Shang Xiang nodded, and grinned at them both. "Race you there~"

"Hey, wait, I have to give this book back," Tong complained.

Ning grinned at Shang Xiang. "Race /you/ there, then~" and took off, Shang Xiang laughing and chasing after him.

Tong made a face, going back inside the Subway and putting the book back down on the table. "Thanks~" he said, flashing another grin at the girl, who nodded excitedly.

The boyfriend eyed the book in disgust. "Keep it!"

Tong got back to the apartment just as Ning and Shang Xiang came back into the living room with their ice cream and were settled on the couch.

"Hey, American Idol's on," Shang Xiang chuckled, "it's early, maybe they're airing those god-awful auditions~"

Ning froze. Tong, not wanting ice cream, settled down on the armchair perpendicular to the couch, and put his feet up on the coffee table. "I hate the auditions, there's nothing funny about people whoring themselves out on—" He froze too.

"What?" Shang Xiang asked, "Tong?" The commercial ended, the American Idol logo flashed across the screen, and Ryan Seacrest cheerfully told all the viewers that although the auditions were over in Dallas, Texas—and now twenty-four more people were on their way to Hollywood—they were going to do it all over again tomorrow in Orlando, Florida.

"Orlando?" Shang Xiang asked curiously, "I didn't know they were doing auditions in Florida!"

"Me either," Ning said, obviously lying through his teeth.

"Next on American Idol—an underground diva shocks the judges with her range (cut to a girl belting the hell out of "R-E-S-P-E-C-T") and a bromance you won't soon forget (cut to Ning, Tong, and Ce waving at the camera). Tune in Wednesday at 8PM!"

Tong and Ning exchanged looks, and then looked at Shang Xiang. Her eyes were wide and she was staring at the TV.

"…don't _tell_me you losers tried out for American Idol!" she squawked, going for her phone, "holy _shit_I am _so_ tuning in tomorrow at 9!"

"8," Ning corrected. Tong glared at him.

* * *

(1) Days of our Shards is a reference I'd be surprised if anyone got; backin the day I wrote a parody Soul Calibur fanfiction where Sophitia, Cassandra, Siegfried, and Rothion starred as soap opera characters in the daytime drama 'Days of our Shards'. Had to drop that in there, Lu Meng seems like a daytime drama type of guy.

That's it for Chapter 3! The fight scene with Cao Pi and Sun Ce and the make-up scene with Ling Tong and Sun Shang Xiang was giving me a real hard time, arrgh. I figure a nice long chapter makes up for the delay.

I have pairing A.D.D. Other than Sun Ce/Da Qiao and Cao Pi/Zhen Ji, which are pretty solid for the rest of the story (no guarantees), any DW/SW/WO pairs you guys would like to see? I have plans for some of the characters later on, but for the time being I might be able to squash something in for filler.

Thanks in advance for any reviews :3


	4. American Idol Bases Do Not Belong to Me

As my good friend Ryan Seacrest would say… THIS… IS… CHAPTER FOUR!

Once again, I do not own American Idol. Or Dynasty Warriors. Or Samurai Warriors.

You know, I don't see the point of disclaimers. I mean, it's not like publishing a fanfiction is claiming I own everything. If I posted the story on , yeah, I could see a problem _there_, but , that kind of screams 'everything written on this website is a fan _fiction_'. Urls don't lie. Okay, a few of them lie. I could tell you a story about when I was in 7th grade and some jerk dared me to visit an innocent sounding website and—whoaaaaaaa look at the time, I'm getting sidetracked here!

Ahem.

* * *

"I can't _believe_ you losers seriously tried out for American Idol!" Shang Xiang crowed, her sides hurting from laughing so much, "man, that's gonna be one_good_ episode!"

"Hey, I didn't try out!" Tong said defensively, "those two morons did! I'm just the driver!"

"UH HUH," said Shang Xiang, smirking at her best friend.

"Why's it on so early anyway!" Tong whined, "I thought it didn't start until January! It's only September!"

"Yeah, I read something in the TV guide that Fox didn't order enough episodes of whatever crap they show in the fall, so they had to air _something_," said Shang Xiang. "Guess that's lucky for you guys, huh!" She grinned.

Tong groaned.

"C'mon, seriously, Tong, _American Idol_!" Shang Xiang lapsed into giggles again. Tong barely resisted the urge to strangle her.

"I don't feel the need to explain myself," said Ning, returning with a large bowl of ice cream in hand.

Shang Xiang just grinned.

"Why is she _here_, anyway?" Ning asked, narrowing his eyes at Shang Xiang.

Tong shrugged. "You dropped the remote behind the couch and she's the only one skinny enough to get it?"

Shang Xiang pouted. "Just for that I'm not getting it!"

Tong made a face at her. "You weren't going to anyway!"

Shang Xiang considered that. "True~" She looked at Ning's ice cream. "That's why I'm here, ice cream!"

"NOT SO FAST," said Ning threateningly, "Nobody makes fun of _me_ and gets to eat _my_ice cream!"

"Considering I most likely paid for it, I'd say I'm the one barking orders around here," said Tong.

"Yes, but you don't command authority," Ning said smugly.

"And you do," Tong said, unconvinced.

"Exactly."

"My daddy's the governor of this state, commanding authority's in my genes," said Shang Xiang, returning with a big bowl of ice cream and a smirk.

"All I have is condoms in _my_jeans," said Ning.

Tong did a facepalm. "She meant her DNA!"

Ning looked at Shang Xiang. "He knows what your DNA looks like! Sheesh, I didn't think you were _that_kind of girl, Shang Xiang!"

"What the heck are you talking about!" Shang Xiang asked, frowning, "and by _that_kind of girl do you mean the kind of girl you two perverts eat for breakfast!"

Tong made a face at that particular audio visual and smacked Ning on the back of the head. "She meant she has commanding authority in her _genetics_, Ning. It was something she inherited from her parents."

Ning nodded. "If there'd been more condoms in my genetics I wouldn't have so many retarded cousins~"

Shang Xiang looked confused. Tong blinked a few times. "I want to think that made sense, but… I keep thinking it didn't," he said, looking bewildered.

"You're not the only smart one around here~" Ning gloated.

* * *

_Twelve years in the business working for the family, and I get shipped to freaking Florida to babysit some snotnosed brat. Wei, Wei, where the heck did you go wrong in life!_

"MR. DIAN! Are you paying attention to me!" Pi demanded.

Dian Wei looked up from his momentary lapse into 'I hate my life' territory and forced a smile on his face (which looked more like a pained grimace). "_Yes_, Pi?"

Pi scowled, folding his arms. "I _said_, that plebe Sun has been giving me the hairy eyeball lately. I'd take care of him myself but I don't want to stain my hands with such filth."

"My Pi has such a way with words," cooed Ji.

Nearby in the living room were Xiahou Dun and Yuan, playing Wii; they heard Ji's remark and burst out laughing. Ah, the joys of a play on words~

Pi scowled—it wasn't _his_ fault his parents gave him a name that rhymed with 'pee'! Of course, his scowl only made Dun and Yuan laugh more (Yuan taking advantage of his brother's incapacitated state and blasting his ass off the board, Kirby and the Crystal Shards was the best game _ever_).

Mr. Dian sighed. "And whaddaya want me to do about it?"

Pi looked exasperated. "I would think that's fairly obvious—round the clock security! I don't want him anywhere near me!"

"Is this that dumb kid with the goatee?" Mr. Dian asked.

"Mock him if you will," answered Pi, "but he got the better of me in our previous scrap and I don't intend for it to happen again!"

"Hit the gym," Mr. Dian recommended.

Pi glared at him. "I don't have time to hit the gym, _Mr. Dian_! My strength is impressive enough as it is! Freakish strength is what is given to those who were not gifted with the gift of intelligence!"

"What a way with words," Ji squealed, while Mr. Dian rolled his eyes.

"So, wait a minute," Mr. Dian said slowly, "you sayin' I'm _dumb_!"

Pi's self-satisfied smirk said it all, really. Mr. Dian held back the urge to smash his face in—he was an asshole, but Governor Cao would have a heart attack if something happened to his only son (Pi's twelve younger sisters would laugh). What if Pi was… victim to a series of… gruesome, unfortunate _accidents_?

A bodyguard certainly couldn't protect anyone against a complete and total _accident_, after all…

A very large smirk was spread across Mr. Dian's face. Combined with his shiny bald head, this was quite a sight to see.

* * *

"Alright, all of you, listen up," said the professor, "I expect this project to showcase everything you've learned so far, ya hear me? All of you are going to partner up—"

"I CALL TONG!" Shang Xiang shouted, jumping up.

Everyone in the class—including Tong—stopped what they were doing to look at her.

She grinned sheepishly. "B-because everyone else sucks! Not because I'm in love with him or anything!" She giggled nervously, scratching the back of her head.

"Fine by me," said Tong, grinning.

"YAY!" said Shang Xiang, "I mean—that's cool~"

Ning rolled his eyes. Ce stopped sleeping long enough to declare Ning his partner. Ning groaned.

"You all are going to make a documentary on the most interesting thing you can think of," said the teacher, "and for the record, how quickly you can get your erection up is _not_ the most interesting thing you can think of!"

Ning looked a bit disappointed at that.

"How much do we get if we win?" Okuni asked from the back of the room.

The teacher blinked. "You—don't _win_ anything. It's an _assignment_. You know, one you get _graded_ on."

Okuni looked confused.

"Don't worry, Okuni, baby, we'll find a way to win!" said Keiji Maeda confidently.

Okuni clasped her hands together. "Oh Keiji, I'm sure you will~" She batted her eyelashes at him. Keiji grinned like the meathead he was. Ning made gagging sounds.

"Alright, all of you have the rest of the period to discuss what your projects are going to be, don't bother me," said the teacher, and went off towards his corner of the room.

Shang Xiang wasted no time in grabbing Tong by his shirt and hauling him off towards a secluded end of the room.

Ning rolled his eyes. "Well, looks like Shang Xiang figured out what being 'more aggressive' means."

"Huh?" Ce asked innocently.

"Never mind. Alright, so, what are we doing?" Ning asked.

"I don't know!" said Ce, "aren't we supposed to be figuring that out?"

"Hey, I know—we should do our thing on the most interesting _person_ we know," said Ning, "bet you can't guess who!"

"Me?" Ce guessed.

Ning shook his head. "No, not you—Tong!"

"What's so interesting about him!" Ce whined.

"What _isn't_? He's got OCD, he has spaz attacks about everything, he whines all the time, and he sucks at pretty much everything, not to mention all the UST with him and Shang Xiang and how he's so retarded he can't figure it out!" said Ning, "and we're his _best friends_, imagine how much everyone else is gonna laugh at him!"

"Isn't that kind of mean?" Ce asked.

"Do you want an A or not?"

Ce grinned, and made a face. "Hey, whaddaya mean UST?"

"Are you—dude, did you not see her outburst just now?" Ning asked pointedly.

"What about it?" Ce asked guilelessly.

Ning did a facepalm. "Oh, c'mon, dude, she only announced it to everyone!"

"Was I in the bathroom?"

"No! You were right there! Why else would she have jumped up and freaking screamed he was her partner?" Ning asked, annoyed.

"That was because everyone else sucks, not because she was in love with him! She even _said_ that!" Ce folded his arms.

Ning groaned. "Does this change the public's opinion about my intelligence _any_!"

(No.)

"Alright, so, whaddaya wanna do, Shang Xiang?" Tong asked, sitting back in his chair.

"I have no idea," said Shang Xiang, "uhhh, what's something interesting?"

Tong blinked a few times. "I thought you had an idea! You were all excited about it before!"

"What are you talking about?" Shang Xiang asked.

"When you—jumped up and said I was your partner?" Tong asked blankly.

"What?" Shang Xiang asked, "Tong, you picked _me_ for your partner just a second ago! Don't you remember that?"

"No!"

"You're just dumb," Shang Xiang said dismissively, "you said, and I quote 'Shang Xiang, I simply will not work with anyone else in this room!' and I said, 'Okay Tong!' And now we're here!"

Tong had never looked as confused as he did now (AND HE LIVED WITH NING). "Okay—whatever, I believe you, just stop it with the—making my head hurt!"

"Good! So what are we gonna do this project on?" she asked, drumming her fingers on the table.

"My head hurts," Tong whined.

"Hey—I know! Let's pull stupid pranks on people and tape their reactions!" said Shang Xiang, "like—order fifty pizzas to someone's house!"

"Isn't that illegal?" Tong asked.

"That's what makes it funny!" Shang Xiang gave a winning smile.

"I got a better idea, let's put you in a dress and time how long it takes until you either explode or break out in hives!"

"Let's put _you_in a gay bar and see how long it takes until you get raped!"

Tong opened his mouth to refuse, but—"that'd actually be funny," he admitted, "as long as I can chain my clothes to my person, of course. And wear a rape shield."

"We have our project!" Shang Xiang said excitedly, "put a pretty straight guy in a bar and see how long he lasts! If that's not interesting I don't know what is!"

"While you're standing next to me, wearing a dress~" Tong added, and Shang Xiang howled.

In another corner of the room, Xing Cai and her best friend/sidekick Ping were planning their own video project. More accurately, Xing Cai was giving a monologue and Ping was eagerly taking notes (which was the basis of their friendship anyway).

"We can either illustrate the cruelty towards nature's protestors or focus on the—GLOBAL WARMING," she said, her eyes wide.

"What about it?" Ping asked, his eyes just as wide.

"This is the perfect opportunity for us to raise awareness!" Xing Cai said excitedly, "think of how many people slept through _An Inconvenient Truth_ when we watched it! We can relate the information to them in an exciting manner that'll make people really care!"

"I love you!" said Ping.

"What was that?" Xing Cai asked.

"Nothing!"

Keiji and Okuni were having a similar discussion.

"Sex tape!" said Keiji, grinning.

"KEIJI!" squealed Okuni, "no! Absolutely not!"

"Why not!" Keiji complained, "s'not like it's not interesting enough!"

"Yes, but I'd prefer for your prowess under the sheets to remain a mystery!" said Okuni, "can't have all these girls coming up to me and expressing their_envy_, after all—the girls you _haven't_ already slept with, of course…"

"I thought that was all water under the bridge! Okuni! Baby, you're the only one for me!" said Keiji. "And 'sides, s'not like I'm still goin' around chasin' the boys _you've_ been with—water under the bridge!" He unclenched his fists and gave his girlfriend a winning smile.

Okuni smiled brightly. "I hate to risk the racial stereotyping, but what about that Godzilla suit you own?"

"Dress up like Godzilla and scare the poop out of half the town! That's my baby!" said Keiji excitedly.

* * *

Back in his dorm room, Yu was enjoying a relaxing afternoon _alone_. Ce was gone—where, he didn't know—and although Ce was his best friend, things were very noisy when he was around.

Truthfully speaking he should be studying for that test he had coming up, but he needed a break. And Yu liked to take breaks from studying by… reading other books.

"Aaah. An afternoon alone with my favorite book, Broadway Musicals of the 1940's. No roommate to bother me~ How could it get any better than this?" Yu took a sip from his water bottle.

The door slammed suddenly, and Yu jumped. Ce grinned at him. "Oh, hi, Yu!"

Yu groaned. "Hi Ce."

Ce grinned cheerfully. "Hey Yu, you'll never guess what happened to me on the monorail today! This guy, was smilin' at me, and talkin' to me—"

"Hmm, that's very interesting…" Yu rolled his eyes.

"Mmhm! And he was being reaaaaaal friendly! And I think he was coming onto me! I think he might have thought I was GAY!" Ce laughed.

Yu cleared his throat. "So why are you telling me this? Hm? Why should I care? I don't care. What'd you have for lunch today, Ce?"

Ce blinked. "Well you don't have to get all defensive—"

"I'M NOT GETTING DEFENSIVE!" Yu shouted. "…why do I care about some gay guy you met, okay? I am trying to _read_!"

"Well I didn't _mean_ anything by it, Yu, I just—think it's something we should be able to talk about!" Ce shrugged.

Yu scowled. "Well I do not want to talk about it, Ce, this conversation is over!"

"Yeah, but Yu—"

"OVER!"

Ce shrugged, and a familiar show tune began to play in the background.

"Well, okay… but just so you know… _If you were gay~_

_That'd be okay~_

_I mean 'cause hey!_

_I'd like you anyway~"_

"Grrr…" Yu turned another page.

"_Because you see,_

_If it were me,_

_I would feel free to say THAT I WAS GAY!_

But I'm not gay."

"Ce, _please._ I am trying to read." Yu hiked the book up further and tried to ignore the singing. He looked up to see Ce giving him a winning smile. "WHAT!"

"_If you were queer—"_

"ARRGH, CE—" Yu growled.

"_I'd still be here—"_

"CE I AM TRYING TO READ THIS BOOK!" Yu shouted.

"_Year after year—"_

"CE!"

"_Because you're dear to me~_

"Auuugh!"

"_And I know that you…"_Ce gave Yu another winning smile.

"What?"

"_Would accept me toooooooooo~"_

"I would!"

"_If I told you today~_

_HEY GUESS WHAT! I'M GAY!_

But I'm not gay_._

_I'm happy,_

_Just being with you—"_

"High Button Shoes, Pal Joey!" Yu shouted, trying to drown out the singing.

"_So what should it matter to me_

_What you do in bed with guys?"_

"Ce, that's GROSS!" Yu squawked.

Ce shook his head. "No it's not!

_If you were gay—"_

"ARRGH!"

"_I'd shout HOORAAAAAAY!"_

"I am not listening!" Yu declared.

"_And here'd I'd staaaaay—"_

"LALALALALA~"

"_But I wouldn't get in your way~"_

"AUUUUUUGH!" Yu squawked.

"_You can count on me,_

_To always beeeeee_

_Beside you every day_

_To tell you it's okay_

_You were just born that way_

_And as they say!_

_It's in your DNA!_

_You're ~"_

"I AM NOT GAY!" Yu shouted.  
_  
_"If you _were_ gay," said Ce.

"AUUUUUUGH!" Yu banged his head on the desk.

Ce smiled, done with his random act of bursting into song (for the day), and grinned at Yu. "I don't know where that came from, but it was fun!"

Yu sighed. Arguing with Ce was like pissing into the wind.

"Hey, Yu, that reminds me, are you going over to Ning and Tong's place later?" Ce asked.

"_Why_ would I do that?" Yu asked, turning a page.

"Yu, I already _told_ you, I'm gonna be on American Idol!" Ce said cheerfully, "I know I told you that, you just don't listen to me!" He pouted.

Yu sighed. "Ce, I listen to you all the time. I listened to you when you suggested we live together." He gestured to the room around him. "I listened to you when you suggested I date your girlfriend's sister." He mimed slipping a noose around his neck and pulling it, making a face. "I listened to you when you suggested I befriend Ning, and look where THAT'S gotten me in life."

Ce still pouted. "You don't have to be so mean!"

Yu groaned. "Dammit, Ce, I don't know why this comes as such a surprise to you! I'm on a break for _once_—that evil man Dr. Zhuge has it out for me, and if I get one more damned C on a test of his I am going to climb up on my desk and perform a hara-kiri! And unless the mental image of my intestines all over the floor amuses you, please understand why studying is so imperative at the moment!"

Ce's pout did not go away.

Exasperated, Yu sighed. "FINE. When is it on? 8?"

"Yup!" said Ce excitedly. "I'll see you then, I have some errands I have to run!"

"Errands—no, I don't want to know. See you later," Yu sighed, and Ce ran off excitedly.

* * *

"FOUND IT!" Keiji cheered, pulling a box marked "Godzilla" out from under his bed.

Okuni clasped her hands together. "I knew you would, Keiji!"

Keiji grinned, opening the box and pulling out the inflatable Godzilla head. "Still can't believe they had this in my size," he grinned, "remember last Halloween when I pushed that geeky kid down the stairs!"

(The narration would like to mention that said 'geeky kid' was Tong. He doesn't like to talk about it.)

Okuni nodded, giggling. "That was terribly funny," she said, "although the poor boy was in the hospital for a week after!"

(The narration would like to clarify that although Tong _was_ in the hospital a week after, it was not because Keiji pushed him down the stairs. But that's a story for a different chapter. :D)

"Wait a minute," said Keiji, "if I'm in this, and you're the beautiful girl I've kidnapped and am about to eat, who's gonna be filming?"

"I took care of that already!" said Okuni cheerfully, "I called Goemon~"

"Whaaa?" Keiji grumbled, "dammit, Okuni, I hate Goemon! Find someone else, I betcha Magoichi'll do it!"

"NO," shouted Magoichi in the other room. Keiji groaned.

Goemon Ishikawa burst through the door, grinning ear to ear (and that was an impressive feat, his face was a bit, err, huge). "Okuni! I've come to your assist—ey, _wait a minute_, what's Keiji doing here!"

"I'm her boyfriend, porky," Keiji shot back, glaring at him.

"Stuff it, porcupine head," answered Goemon, "Okuni, you never said anything about Keiji!"

"I didn't? Oh, dear, I must have forgotten," Okuni said, obviously lying. "But as long as you're here—can you do me a favor, Goemon?"

"Anything for you, Okuni!" Goemon said brightly, ignoring Keiji scowling at him.

"We need you to film a project for us," said Okuni, "it's for class, you see, and—"

"I'll do it!" said Goemon cheerfully. Okuni beamed. Keiji made a face.

"ANYWAY," he said, annoyed, "I'm Godzilla and Okuni is the beautiful lady I'm holding hostage!"

"Isn't that King Kong?" Goemon asked, scratching his head.

"Godzilla did it too!" Keiji insisted.

"Name two occasions!"

"Uhhh… oh shut up! This is where the, uh, _creator's creativity_comes into play!" Keiji scowled.

"Riiiight," Goemon said, rolling his eyes, "man, I don't even _care_—I don't suppose you guys have a camera?"

"No," said Okuni.

"We were gonna use our cell phones and film 15 seconds at a time," said Keiji smugly, "genius idea, huh?"

"NO," shouted Magoichi from the other room.

"Nobody asked you!" Keiji shouted back, "quit eavesdropping!"

"I'm not eavesdropping! Hearing some big sweaty guy yelling at the top of his lungs is not eavesdropping!"

"Well, it's annoying!" Keiji shouted, kicking the wall separating their rooms, "so shadda—oh, crap!" His foot was stuck in the wall. He pulled his foot free, and blinked a few times at the giant hole in the drywall, leading into Magoichi's room.

Magoichi groaned. So much for personal space.

* * *

"Where the heck is Ce?" Shang Xiang asked, making a face, "he can't possibly want to miss his television debut!"

"Would you shut up!" Tong grumbled, "I already _told_you it's no big deal!"

"Uh huh," said Shang Xiang, "yeah, and I'm a dancing flamingo!"

Yu checked his watch, exasperated.

There was a loud knock on the front door. Tong looked up. "That couldn't be Ce, he just barges in," he said, rolling his eyes, "who is it?"

"Me!" Ce said cheerfully, "Open up, Tong!"

Tong sighed, loudly, before standing up to open the door. "What is it, C—AAAUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

"What!" Ning and Shang Xiang shouted in unison, getting to their feet, "Tong, what the hell!"

"S-s-s-SPIDER!" Tong shrieked, exhibiting an extreme sense of manliness by leaping over the coffee table and diving _into_ Shang Xiang's arms, "don't let it eat me!"

Shang Xiang was a bit more surprised she could carry Tong bridal-style than she was to see her stupid brother with a giant tarantula on his arm.

"Hi guys!" said Ce cheerfully.

"What's with the spider?" Ning asked, looking at it.

"It's not a _spider_, it's a Venezuelan Suntiger!" said Ce proudly, "she cost me $20~ her name is _Terry_~ isn't it, baby~?" He made kissy faces at the tarantula.

"Terry?" repeated Ning, "what kind of stupid sissy name is Terry?"

"Well I originally named it Da, but she got all mad and punched me," Ce said, making a face, "so Terry it is!"

"Your creativity _astounds_ me, big bro," Shang Xiang giggled.

"SQUISH IT!" Tong wailed, "SQUISH IT SQUISH IT SQUISH IT!"

"Tong would you get down?" Shang Xiang whined.

"No! It's going to eat me!"

"Not if my brother's holding it—Ce, can you put that thing in a box?"

"Why?" Ce complained, "Terry wouldn't hurt nobody no how!"

"Tong's afraid of it!" Shang Xiang pointed out.

"I'm not afraid of it! I JUST HATE IT!" Tong shouted, trying to redeem his manliness (not about to happen when he was still cowering in the arms of his female best friend).

"Terry's not a stupid name either!" Ce snapped at Ning, "it's an awesome name!"

"Sure, for a pterodactyl! (1)" Ning said, rolling his eyes. He grinned. "Lemme play with it!"

"No way," said Ce, "you insult her and now you want to be her friend?"

"I just want to throw her at Tong," said Ning innocently.

"Oh fuck off!" Tong shouted.

"You're about to hate me more~" Ning said cheerfully, "gimme the thing!"

"No!" Ce said protectively, holding the spider close.

"Give it to me!"

"No!"

"Give it to me!"

"No!"

"Give it to me!"

"NO!"

Yu groaned. "The show is starting," he said, "don't you guys want to watch yourselves on TV?"

"Not as much as I want throw that tarantula at Tong," said Ning, grinning.

"Get your own tarantula!" Ce said, "Terry doesn't deserve such a fate!"

"All Terry deserves is to meet the bottom of my foot," Tong grumbled to Shang Xiang (who was now struggling to hold his ass up).

"Tong GET DOWN!" Shang Xiang gasped, finally falling back on the couch, Tong landing on her lap.

"This is just fine~" he said cheerfully. Shang Xiang groaned.

* * *

After sitting through an hour and forty-five minutes of mediocre singers and desperate famewhores, _finally_ the previews (between the commercials, which played every ten minutes) for Ning, Ce, and Tong's auditions came up. Finally.

"About time," Yu commented, picking his notes back up and immediately focusing on the notes in front of his nose.

Tong hadn't moved from his place on Shang Xiang's lap. Although Shang Xiang hadn't minded the position before—wasn't every day her confident, smooth-talking best friend screamed like a two-year-old at the slightest movement—but an hour and forty-five minutes later, her lap was numb.

"Tong," she complained, "get off, will ya, I don't even _see_ Terry!"

"She's right—TERRY!" Ce shrieked, not seeing his precious spider on his knee, where he'd left her, "oh, dammit dammit dammit, Terry, baby, where are you! I thought we had something special!"

"Quit screaming, Ce, I found her!" Ning said cheerfully, returning from the bathroom, the tarantula on his shoulder companionably.

"There's my pretty baby!" said Ce, jumping up to collect his precious Suntiger (before Ning could drop her on Tong's head), "I love you, Terry, you're such a pretty girl~"

Tong eeped and hid his face in Shang Xiang's shoulder. "Don't let it anywhere near me!"

"I won't," Shang Xiang promised, patting his back reassuringly, "Oi, Ce, can you cage that thing already!"

Ce pouted. "Don't be mean to Terry!" He smiled. "Don't worry baby, I'll keep you safe from those _haters_—"

"It's hideous! Step on it and be done with it!" Tong shouted.

Ce gasped. "TERRY DOESN'T NEED TO HEAR THIS!"

"It's back," said Yu.

"Woo," said Ning, jumping over the couch and landing on Sun Shang Xiang's other side, "Time to have a good laugh at you losers' expense, me thinks~"

"Your expense too!" Tong said defensively.

Ning just grinned. Ce sighed and settled in on the chair to watch. Terry, on the other hand, crawled off Ce's shoulder and began to crawl up Shang Xiang's leg. Her attention was so focused on the TV—and not on smelling Tong, dammit Shang Xiang stop being _weird_—that she didn't notice.

_["Our last auditioners of the day are a trio of longtime friends from Tampa," said Ryan Seacrest._

_"I'm an awesome singer," Ce boasted._

_"Some guy told me I was the next American Idol," said Ning, quite obviously reading off a cue card (he even squinted to read something at one point)._

_"I drove these idiots, I refuse to humiliate myself out on TV," said Tong._

_"He prefers to do it in real life," said Ce. Ning laughed. Tong glared._]

"The camera DOES add ten pounds," said Shang Xiang, wide-eyed.

Tong glared at her too. Terry crawled off Shang Xiang and settled on Tong's knee.

_["These three have confidence, charisma and humor in spades, but can they make up for it in singing abilities?" Ryan Seacrest's voiceover continued._

_Ning, Tong and Ce tramped inside the room, and—Tong shrieked._

_"Hi," Ning said, standing on the wooden floor._

_"HI!" Tong shouted from behind Ning. Ning elbowed him._

_Simon made a face. "You can't bring a partner!"_

_"He's just here to meet Paula," Ning complained. "This other guy's actually here to sing."_

_Ce waved._

_"EEEEP!" Tong squealed. Ning came very close to punching him._

_"Hi there!" Paula said, beaming at Tong. Tong looked like he was going to pee himself._

_Ning looked at the camera. "You're not gonna air this, are you?"_

_The cameraman looked at him. "…no, we're here for the free Coke."_

_Ning nodded approvingly. "Here I thought you were filming this, or something."_

_The cameraman rolled his eyes._

_"Tong, look! It's Paula!" said Ce unhelpfully._

_Tong made some random dolphin noises. "EE! EE!"_

_"You're adorable!" said Paula, beaming at him._

_"EEEEEEEEEEE!"_

_Ning and Ce exchanged 'If you don't kill him I WILL' glares.]_

Terry was right now peacefully settled on Tong's knee, almost bouncing up and down excitedly.

_["Come here," said Paula, "you're just the cutest thing! I want you right here!" She patted her lap._

_Tong's dolphin squealing, if possible, rose several octaves. Ce covered his ears. Ning's fist shook threateningly. Tong, oblivious to it all, practically skipped over towards Paula, squealed and jumped up and down excitedly about fifteen times, and plopped down on her lap, beaming at her almost radiantly. Paula patted his head.]_

To anyone else, this scene might be a wee bit creepy, but anyway. Tong was beaming proudly, completely unaware of Terry crawling under his shirt and up his chest.

_[Simon sighed, exasperated. "Just one of you, sing."_

_"You first," said Ce. "Age before beauty!"_

_"You're older than me!" Ning said, outraged._

_Ce thought for a second. "Only like a few months!"_

_"Try a year!" Ning answered haughtily. He seemed to shake off the rage and focused on the singing. "Alright, I'm singing now!"_

_"Good," said Simon.]_

"This should be good~" said Shang Xiang, grinning.

Ning just smirked.

_[After about five lines of 'Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin',' (since Journey, after all, was Ning's favorite band), Simon signaled for Ning to stop. He didn't notice and kept singing anyway.]_

_"Ham," Ce accused._

_"Good ham," Ning shot back._

_"Is there such thing as__bad__ham?" Tong asked._

_["You are phenomenal," said Paula, beaming, "one of the best we've heard all__day__!"_

_"When did you start singing, dawg?" Randy asked._

_"Uh… no professional background or anything. I got really smashed a few years ago at a karaoke bar and turned out I was pretty good, I got across the board high scores," Ning said thoughtfully._

_Simon looked at Ning's registration papers. "It says you turned 21 a month ago."_

_"Alright, dawg, what's the verdict? He goin' to Hollywood?" asked Randy._

_"Yes," said Paula._

_"I'm going to say yes," said Simon._

_"I vote no. Does my vote count?" Tong asked._

_Ning glared at him._

_"YOU GOT THREE YESES! YOU GOIN' TO HOLLYWOOD!" Randy shouted, and Ning cheered._

_"My turn!" said Ce cheerfully, pushing Ning out of the way._

_"What are you going to sing?" Paula asked._

_"You Give Love a Bad Name!" Ce said, grinning. He took a deep breath. The judges realized he was going to begin screeching a bit too late and they didn't have enough time to plug their ears._

_"__SHOT THROUGH THE HEART, AND YOU'RE TO BLAAAAME, YOU GIVE LOVE, A BAD NAME! I PLAY MY PART, AND YOU PLAY YOUR GAME, YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME!" Ce sang-shouted. "You give love, a bad name! WHOAAA, OH AAAAAH OH! WHOAAAAAAA, OHAAAAAAAH OH! Shot through the heart, and you're to blame, you give love… A BAD NAME__!" Ce finished by dropping to one knee and making a dramatic gesture with his arms._

_The judges were staring at him. Tong and Ning were more looking out the window, wearing their best 'I really wish I wasn't here right now' expressions._

_The judges were staring at Ce. Ce, realizing he might be in trouble, repeated his dramatic arm gesture and gave a winning smile._

_"You are, without a doubt, one of the worst singers we've ever had!" said Simon._

_Ce looked crushed._

_"He is not!" said Paula, "I think you have a very—err, unique—voice!"_

_"That's a word for it," muttered Tong._

_"Alright, dawg, what's the verdict?" Randy asked, "I say yes!"_

_"So do I!" said Paula._

_Simon looked at them like they were both idiots, before sighing. "You're through to the next round. But I'm not happy about it."]_

"They just said you were terrible, but they put you through?" Yu repeated.

"That's the premise of American Idol~" chirped Shang Xiang.

_["Why aren't you auditioning?" Simon asked Tong._

_"Because I—uhh—have a voice others don't deserve to hear," Tong said delicately._

_"Let's hear it!" Ce said cheerfully._

_"Uh—let's not," Tong said quickly._

_"No, let's hear it!" Ce insisted._

_"Don't give him an autograph until he sings!" Ce said to Paula._

_Tong looked absolutely outraged. He finally got up, went over towards the middle of the floor, and burst into song._

_His rendition of 'You're Gonna Go Far, Kid' was, quite possibly, the worst rendition of a song anyone had ever heard, ever. It was__terrible__._

_Ning and Ce had plugged their ears before he started singing. Simon, Randy and Paula, on the other hand, didn't know what to expect._

_"STOP!" shouted Simon, "you were dreadful!"_

_"Hence why I don't sing!" said Tong haughtily, looking embarrassed.]_

Shang Xiang was staring at the TV, wide-eyed. "I've never heard you sing before!" she commented.

"Well, that's _why_," Tong grumbled.

_["Alright, I sang, can I have an autograph now? Please?" Tong begged._

_Paula dug around in her bag and unearthed a Sharpie. "Come here!" she said, beaming._

_Tong dolphin-squealed again (this time Ning didn't say anything, probably figuring the dolphin squealing was more listenable than the singing) and practically skipped over._

_"Sign his back, he can get it tattooed on and it'll never come off," Ning suggested. Tong gleefully yanked his shirt up.]_

"You got Paula Abdul to _sign your back_," Shang Xiang said, shaking her head. "Tong, you're such a loser!"

"I am not!" Tong huffed.

_["Alright, we'll see you two in Hollywood," said Simon, "as for__you,__never sing again!"_

_"Right," Tong said, nodding.]_

"Hear, hear," Ce and Ning said enthusiastically.

Yu looked over at Ce. "Ce, where's the tarantula?" he asked.

Ce looked down. "Terry!"

_["We're goin' to Hollywood!" Ning and Ce said excitedly, waving their golden tickets in the camera._

_"This is the best day ever!" Tong yelled, pushing them both away from the camera and grinning hugely, "I MET PAULA ABDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUL~ AND ALL YOU LOSERS DIDN'T~"_

_"Yes we did!" shouted the indignant crowd._

_"Suck it!" yelled Tong, still euphoric, "best day eeeeeeeeeeeeeever~"_

_"If you're so excited you can pay the parking ticket, the meter ran out hours ago~" Ning said cheerfully, "c'mon, guys, I feel like I won the show already!"_

_"Except you have to beat__me__to do it!" said Ce smugly._

_"You both suck, I'm getting Paula's autograph tattooed on my back so it's there forever!" Tong said excitedly.]_

Shang Xiang stared at him. "You didn't!"

"Of course I didn't," said Tong, turning red.

Shang Xiang's eyes narrowed and she seized the back of his shirt. "Lemme see!"

"No! I said I didn't!"

"I don't believe you! C'mere!"

"No!" Tong shouted, trying to leap off her; Shang Xiang's hands still were twisted in his shirt, and she managed to yank it off him as he hit the ground with a splat.

"Ow," Tong complained, but sure enough, Paula Abdul's autograph—in the same location she'd scrawled it on his back—was very visible, right across his left deltoid.

"Holy crap," said Shang Xiang, and she grinned. "Hey, Tong, now you're hardcore, you've got a tattoo!"

"Yeah," said Tong, "hardcore~"

"Hardcore my ass," said Ning, "you should've seen how he was screaming and crying in there!"

"And the guy hadn't even started drawing it yet," Ce added. "Good thing you punched him out, or we'd still be there holding him down!"

"I still can't believe you dicks did that," Tong complained.

"They don't hurt!" Ning said, pulling his own shirt up and gesturing to the huge dragon tattoo he had winding across his chiseled chest, back, shoulders and arms, "you're just a pansy!"

"I am not! Not all of us are born with an immunity to having needles jabbed into your skin!" Tong said defensively.

"In other words, you're a pansy!" Ning shot back.

Tong made a face at him, snatching his own shirt away from Shang Xiang—"if you're quite finished," he huffed, making to pull it over his head.

"When did you get the tarantula tattoo?" Yu asked, "it looks very _realistic_, Tong…"

"You got another?" Ning asked, curiously, "I gotta say, I'm impressed, seeing you on that table screaming for an hour straight made me think you'd never get one again!"

"What?" Tong asked, "I didn't get another, what the hell are you guys—" he looked at the flattened tarantula on his stomach. "Oh, _that_? That's not real, that must be an actual tarantula on my—OH HOLY SHIT EW GET IT OFF!"

"TERRY!" Ce screamed.

* * *

The above song is "If you were gay" as seen on Avenue Q. Go youtube it, I don't think I did it the justice it deserves XD Added in for shuwazi. That's all the gay you're getting out of me, I'm afraid.

While I might possibly still have your attention, a couple reviews suggested sororities or fraternities—let me say this now—NO. I don't like sororities or fraternities, I don't like the people they attract. They're annoying and they squash individuality. Not to mention they're not original. It's a college cliché. It's very possible to go to college and never set foot in a sorority or a fraternity depending on the occupancy of your pants.

I also do not do slash. I find it uncomfortable to read and I'm not about to write it, either; if you've asked for a slash pairing or something in this story, I apologize but innuendos and jokes are as far as I go. If you want slash or girl slash or whatever it's called, check elsewhere.

Anyway, I absolutely love this story. I have an absolute blast thinking of ideas for it and actually writing them, so I hope you guys are enjoying it as much as I am! :)

I find as the story goes on I have a tougher and tougher time finding ways to work the other characters in, mostly because I love my boys! XD I'm trying to include everyone, but blegggh.

Thanks in advance for any feedback/suggestions/comments; I might not take your suggestion but please know they're appreciated anyway! :


	5. Zombie

And so now Paula Abdul is quitting American Idol. Greaaaaaat. Well, if I can put fictional Dynasty Warriors characters in an American Idol competition, I suppose it wouldn't be too illegal to fix the judges' panel either. 8D

I think the story is going to be less about all of the DW characters, mostly because I can't think of anything for half of them, more about either the morons I've previously mentioned and everyone else interacting with them. More characters will be showing up soooooon, of course~

But now our characters mourn the loss of who was perhaps one of my favorite original characters. :(

* * *

The atmosphere of Terry's funeral was quite bittersweet, to say the least. Ce was inconsolable—sobbing into his hands, mourning the death of the pet he'd had for about—in an hour, it would be four hours. Shang Xiang was trying to comfort her brother (she thought he was being retarded, considering he hadn't had the thing for a day yet, but she was being a good sister). Yu kept glancing at his watch. Ning was quick to remind Tong every ten minutes that this was all his fault. And Tong was trying not to let his face break out into the grin he'd been fighting back since he heard he was responsible for the death of that horrible monster.

Okay, okay, he wasn't totally heartless, he felt guilty for making Ce cry. Ce had always loved animals; back when they were kids playing on the huge Sun family ranch, Ce would find an abandoned animal and play with it all day, only for his highly-allergic brother to tell him to 'GET RID OF IT, CE, I CAN ALREADY FEEL MY FACE SWELLING!'. Or on the rare occasion Quan _didn't_have a severe allergic reaction, Ce would usually end up killing the pet. And then he'd cry and be inconsolable for a day, and then find another animal and start the whole trend over again.

But did he have to go and get a freaking _tarantula_? Those things were disgusting—Tong had a theory that they were only _created_ to freak people out! Hell if the thing wasn't as scrawny as it was—for a monster, at least—the things would've taken over the planet by now.

But then Ce broke into a fresh batch of tears, and Tong felt guilty again. Dammit.

"Way to go," Ning informed him.

"How was I supposed to know I had a tarantula in my shirt!" Tong protested, "I didn't kill the thing on purpose! Besides, it's in a better place _now_, he doesn't have to live in a cage anymore, right?"

"Terry was a _girl_!" Ce wailed, and began crying more. Shang Xiang glared at Tong from where she was hugging her big brother.

"Tong would you just _shut up_ while you're ahead and say you're sorry?" she demanded, "just because _you're_ afraid of the damn things doesn't mean you can be an asshole to my brother!"

"I already said I was sorry!" Tong said defensively, "Ce, I'll buy you a fish and call it a day, how's that sound?"

"I don't want a fish! I want Terry!" Ce sniffled.

"Asshoooooole," said Ning.

Tong glared at him. "Not helping!"

"Not intending to!" Ning replied.

"Ce, he'll go to the pet store tomorrow and buy you a new spider, okay?" Shang Xiang said, rubbing her brother's back, "c'mon, bro, stop _crying_, you're going to Hollywood, remember?"

"I wanted Terry to see me in Hollywood!" Ce whined, "now she'll never know!"

Tong sighed in exasperation. "DAMMIT CE YOU HAD IT FOR FOUR HOURS!"

"And that's all the time we'll ever have!"

"Where's Ce!" Da cried, running into the courtyard out of nowhere, "Shang Xiang, I got your—oh, _darling_, what is it?"

"Terry's dead!" Ce whined.

A bright smile lit up Da's face; then she saw how obviously miserable her boyfriend was, and knelt down next to him (the skirt she was wearing rode up in such a fashion it made Ning and Tong turn their heads out of respect for not ogling their best friend's girlfriend). "Please don't cry, honey, I don't like seeing you so sad," she said, gently putting her arms around him, "oh, Ce, just remember she's in a better place now!"

"That's what _I_ said," Tong grumbled, "nobody was moved by the sensitivity when _I_said it!"

"Because you were only trying to cover your ass," answered Yu. "Ce, really, it'll be alright, I'm sure Tong'll be more than willing to buy you a new tarantula."

Tong groaned.

"Quit being a selfish ass and buy him a new spider!" Shang Xiang hissed, furiously, "he'd do it for you!"

"Yeah, jerkoff," said Ning, "how'd you like it if he stepped on your Paula Abdul CD?"

Tong gasped at the mental image—"I'll buy you _two_!" he promised, "so in case I squash another, you'll still have one!"

Ce seemed to cheer up at that. Da dug a tissue out of her purse and pressed it to his nose. "Blow, dear, you have stuff all over your nose~"

"Ew," said Shang Xiang, "it's like they're married _already_!"

Ce seemed to be feeling better, at long last. "I'm okay," he said weakly, "let's just—bury her and move on!"

"At last," Yu muttered, picking up the bundle of towel that was acting coffin to Terry's corpse, "would anyone like to say a few words?"

Everyone glared at Tong. Tong sighed. "I'm sorry I fucking squished you, you stupid fucking spider! May your body rest in pieces and your spirit burn in hell!"

Everyone glared at him even more. Tong scowled. "What! I killed a mortal enemy! I'm sorry if _you_guys liked it—if you're the guy who shot Hitler, are you going to apologize for killing him just because you're talking to his fan club? No!"

"Hey, everyone, gather around, _asshole of the year_just found their new poster boy," Ning called, at the other college kids (who had already noticed the weirdness that seemed to follow this particular group and were either watching with interest or immediately placing a transfer to another school).

Tong folded his arms. "I don't care! I'm sorry I made Ce upset but I don't give two shits about the death of that horrible thing!"

"IF YOU'RE QUITE FINISHED," Shang Xiang shouted, noticing her brother looking unhappy again, "Geez Tong, way to be a dick~"

"There is absolutely nothing that can be done to make me feel sorry that disgusting beast is dead!" Tong said stubbornly.

Ce had had about enough of the grieving widow act, and finally resorted to his regular nature—and pounced Tong, tackling him into the ground and beginning to punch the nine layers of hell into him."WILL THIS MAKE YOU FEEL BAD? HUH? YOU SON-OF-A-BITCH!" he shouted.

"OW! CE GET OFF ME! NO I'M NOT SORRY AND I'LL NEVER BE SORRY!" Tong shouted, his speech a bit stuttery due to Ce's fists taking up occupancy in his stomach, "ow dammit Ce!"

Yu sighed. "I don't have time for this!"

"I'll fail every test ever if it means I get to watch Ce pound the crap out of Tong, no sexual innuendos intended," said Shang Xiang brightly.

"Ceeeeee, get off him," Da whined, tugging at her boyfriend's arm.

"C'mon, Ce, get off him, we'll make his life miserable with the you-know-what," said Ning, pulling Ce off Tong, "let's just bury the damn thing and move on!"

Ce—still sniffing—pushed Tong over, sending him toppling to the ground with a loud shriek. He took Terry's towel-wrapped corpse from Yu and bent down to lower it into the little impromptu grave he had dug.

"Hey, I want that towel back," Tong complained.

"You have absolutely no respect for the dead!" Shang Xiang hissed.

"Of course I don't! But I want that towel back, it cost me money!"

"Are you sure you didn't _steal_ it? LIKE YOU DID WITH TERRY'S LIFE!" Ce looked like he was going to explode again, but Yu patted his shoulder to calm him and bent down.

"I don't see why _not_, Ce, it's not like Terry's going to get cold where he—"

"_SHE_!"

"She, yes, sorry. It's not like _she_ is going to need towels where she's going." Yu rolled his eyes for the umpteenth time.

"Yeah, Ce, burning in hell for all eternity is hot enough as it, it'd be cruel to add a blanket to all of that," Tong smirked.

Da stepped in front of Ce. "Don't hurt him, darling, never having sex with me isn't worth killing him!" she reminded.

"Right, right," said Ce, glaring. He scowled and began to unwrap the towel—"here you go, you cheap motherf—Terry!"

"What?" Ning asked.

"It's—she's not in here!" cried Ce, "I—she's _alive_! It's a miracle!"

Da had a brief expression of horror, but then beamed—if Ce was happy, she was happy—"oh, Ce, I'm so happy for you!"

Tong paled.

Shang Xiang thumped his back. "And to think you almost killed it~" she said cheerfully.

"I don't understand! Where the hell did it go?" Yu asked, "tarantulas don't just get up and—oh, wait. They do."

"Sounds like someone needs to study a little harder," said Ning, smirking. Yu glared at him.

"You're hardly one to tell _me_to be studying!" Yu sniffed.

"Hey, I call 'em as I see 'em," Ning answered, grinning.

Tong sighed. Dammit. So close.

* * *

"Asshooooooole," sang Shang Xiang.

Tong glared at her. "Would you shut up? Enough already!"

Shang Xiang glared back. "You squashed my brother's spider!"

"So?" Tong complained, "it's _alive_, isn't it!"

"Tong, you know that's crap, he probably fell out of the towel," Shang Xiang reasoned, "I mean, seriously, that thing was flattened."

"Your brother thinks it's alive," answered Tong, "and if he really is dead, hooray, I'm sure the hippie girl will come by to thank me for the generous gift of fertilizer to Mother Earth. Anyway, now to something I actually _give_ two shits about, that video project's due in like a month, we're gonna have to think of something for it… and I don't wanna go to a gay bar, they're gonna rape me in there!"

"That _would_ be entertaining," Shang Xiang pointed out.

Tong glared at her. "I'm not doing it!" he repeated.

Shang Xiang sighed. "Yeah, you still have nightmares from _last time_ when you lost that bet with Ce—let's just do my original idea, order a bunch of pizzas to someone's dorm and see how pissed off they get!"

"As long as it in no way gets _me_ in trouble," Tong said agreeably. "I'm hungry. Want to go—"

"YES," Shang Xiang agreed immediately.

Tong blinked a few times. "…get some food in the cafeteria?" he finished, "wow, Shang Xiang, you knew what I was going to say before I even said it!"

"Yeaaaaah," said Shang Xiang, blushing and mentally kicking herself. "Right. That was it."

It was around midnight, so luckily the cafeteria wasn't full. Shang Xiang didn't know where Tong went, probably trying to get change, and she was buying as many Cokes from the vending machine as the budget allowed (one).

She was vaguely aware of some guy nearby who wouldn't stop hovering around, but she dismissed it as just waiting for her to be done. Either that or he was a creeper and she was going to have to punch him in the—

"Well, hey there, pretty thang," laughed someone behind Shang Xiang, smacking her ass.

Shang Xiang turned around angrily. "HEY!" she shouted. "Don't touch me! Don't EVER touch me!"

"Ahh, don't play hard to get, Nene," chuckled the weird-looking guy, looking her up and down, settling his gaze on her chest.

"Stop looking at me like that!" Shang Xiang yelled. "You want to get punched!"

"Ooh, keep playing dirty, you bad, bad girl," laughed the jerk.

"GRRRRRR!" Shang Xiang growled, grabbing the guy by his shirt collar. "COME HERE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

POW!

Tong got out of the bathroom just in time to see Shang Xiang beating the living daylights out of notorious pervert Hideyoshi Toyotomi, who was on the ground begging for mercy.

"SHANG XIANG!" Tong shouted, grabbing her arms and pulling her back. "What the hell are you doing!" He was a bit embarrassed at how much _trouble_ he was having restraining her, but then again she was Shang Xiang, she had freakish strength that only quadrupled when she was angry.

"What does it LOOK like I'm doing!" Shang Xiang shouted, squirming, "This jerk just pawed me! I was teaching him a little lesson!"

"You keep your fucking hands off her, Hideyoshi!" Tong snapped. "Or I'm gonna let her go and she WILL break your neck!"

"No, no, it's okay, Tong," Hideyoshi groaned, standing up, "Sorry about that, girly, I thought you were someone else. I never win anything with Nene either—"

"NENE! What the hell do you have to do with Nene!" Tong asked incredulously.

Hideyoshi smirked. "What, you didn't know? Nene and I've been pretty steady these past few weeks.

Tong folded his arms. "I dated Nene for five months, there's no way in hell she'd go out with a dirty perv like you!"

Hideyoshi just shrugged.

"PAW YOUR OWN GIRLFRIEND! Keep your hands off me!" Shang Xiang shouted.

"C'mon, calm down," Tong said, laughing. "Take it easy, he's not worth popping a blood vessel over…"

"Thanks, Tong," Hideyoshi groaned, hobbling off.

"Touch her again and I really will let her kill you!" Tong called.

Shang Xiang scowled. "You could've let me hit him some more!"

"Yeah, yeah. We've still gotta finish those papers," Tong said, pulling her along. "Let's just get all the cokes we can carry and get back upstairs—"

"Hey, who's Nene?" Shang Xiang asked, "You never told me about her! You tell me everything!"

"Not EVERYTHING," Tong protested.

"Pretty much! C'mon, spill!" Shang Xiang pestered, tugging at his arm. "C'mon, Tong, I tell you about the lowlifes I go out with—"

"Usually because you need Ning to help you scare them off and I'm always in the room too," Tong reminded.

"What's Nene look like? Is she cute?" Shang Xiang asked.

Tong shrugged. "Of course she was cute. I don't want to talk about this!"

* * *

Bright and early Friday morning, Ning was reminding Ce how much better of a best friend he was than Yu or Tong was.

"Ning, you're the best friend ever," Ce declared, opening up the cage, "hey, little fella!"

Ning grinned. "Eh, don't mention it, Ce, unlike _some people_ I'm not a total jerk—"

"Is Tong not home?" Ce asked, "he'd have come out here in a righteous rage defending himself or somethin' by now…"

"Probably not, he went for a run or somethin', most likely," said Ning, "he used to leave a note on the fridge 'til he figured out I didn't care~"

Ce chuckled and beamed. Inside the cage was the tarantula Ning had bought from a skinny kid with curly brown hair earlier. The kid had been rather forceful that THE TARANTULA MUST BE PURCHASED, so Ning had seen an opportunity to be a good friend (and, more in character, scare the shit out of Tong some more).

"I'll pay you back as soon as I get paid," Ce promised, extracting the long-legged tarantula from the cage. "I'm gonna call you… Terry 2!" He beamed.

"You can't, he's already got a name," Ning said, rolling his eyes.

"What's his name?" Ce asked.

"Patrick," Ning answered.

"Patrick the tarantula! That's a stupid name!" Ce said, making a face.

Ning stopped. "Oh, you meant the _tarantula_'s name?"

"Who else would you think I was talking about?" Ce asked, blinking guilelessly. "Who's Patrick, then?"

"Patrick's the guy who _sold_ the thing to me, the tarantula's name is 'Hassle the Hoff'," said Ning, shrugging, "not the name I would've given 'im, but whatever~"

"Why'd he sell it?" Ce asked suspiciously.

"He actually paid _me_ to take the damn thing," said Ning, "he was shittin' his pants just looking at the thing, his older sister bought it as a gag gift…"

"Sounds like something Shang Xiang would do to _me_," Ce agreed, "sisters are evil!"

"Hence why I'm glad my parents gave up kids after I turned two," Ning said, grinning. "Alright, now that you've got a new bug, we were gonna get started on that project, right?"

"Yup!" Ce said cheerfully, putting Hassle the Hoff (furthermore known as 'HTH') back in his cage. "See you later, buddy!"

"C'mon, I'm hungry," said Ning, "get the camera, wouldya?"

"I gotta do everything," Ce whined. He brightened. "I'm gonna bring HTH to breakfast with us and show him around!"

* * *

Chao was a man on a mission. Justiceapalooza was scheduled for a week from tomorrow; his sister's Taylor Swift impression, sadly, had not gotten any more realistic. It was looking like he'd have to set up a CD player and insist his sister learned the art of lip synching.

Yun Lu, on the other hand, wasn't thrilled that her ensemble was _not_ flashy movie star clothes, but instead a sundress and a pair of cowboy boots. Taylor Swift was not a flashy movie star. (Chao did all his Taylor Swift research on Wikipedia.)

"I told you," Chao repeated, "you like singing, writing songs, and if someone says the words 'Joe Jonas', you start screaming about how he broke up with you through a 27-second phone call." He adjusted the phone with his shoulder as he tacked up a large 'Justiceapalooza' poster (on top of all the other posters on the dorm message board).

"Chaaaaaaao," whined Yun Lu, "I don't even want to do this, why can't you get some blonde girl who can _actually_ sing! I don't want to make a fool out of myself!"

"You won't," said Chao, "and if you do, just remember, it's for the greater good—"

Yun Lu groaned.

"Have you been telling your roommates about Justiceapalooza?" he continued—

"CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAO!"

Chao jumped and promptly burst into a stream of curses (one that made his sister gasp) as he accidentally pushed a push pin into his thumb. He stuck his thumb in his mouth (still cursing) and turned around to glare grim death at the idiot who—

"Chao!" said Ce cheerfully, "how ya doin', buddy?"

Darn it, he couldn't be mean to Ce. He could, however, be nasty to Ning, who he absolutely did not like (bastard thought he was so cool, with that idiotic spiky hair! …which Chao totally rocked, by the way).

"I'll talk to you later, Yun Lu," Chao said, picking up his phone, ignoring his sister's complaining. He grinned at Ce and shot Ning a dirty look (which was quickly reciprocated by Ning, not one to be glared at idly). "Doing good," he answered, "what are you and the compost heap doing?"

"Compost heap!" Ning demanded, "that's a new one—oi, why don't you and that bleached hair of yours go—"

"IT'S NOT BLEACHED IT'S NATURAL!" Chao said furiously, "do you need to see my family tree! My mother had blonde hair!"

"Then why does it _look_ bleached!" Ning asked, "looks like you went and bleached your hair to me!"

"I refuse to have this conversation with you," Chao said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Fancy way of saying you're a loser," Ning shot back.

"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP!" Ce whined, "this is happy day! Stop bitchin' at each other!"

"How is it a happy day while that pile of trash still breathes among us?" Chao asked.

Ce ignored Ning's stream of curses directed at Chao to hold his hand up, and stick Hassle the Hoff in Chao's face.

"MOTHER OF JUSTICE!" Chao squawked, recoiling, "Ce, put that thing down and squash it!"

Ning snickered. "Justice Boy's afraid of the little spider, huh? Wuss! You're not worthy of the epithet Justice Boy!"

"I'm surprised you managed to properly use 'epithet' in a sentence!" Chao shot back.

"What's so scary about 'im?" Ce whined, "he's cute!"

Chao looked at the eight demonic eyes focused at him, and winced. "Adorable," he said shortly, "get it out of my face, please, I don't enjoy being stared down!"

"That's fancy talk for 'get the spider out of my face before I pee my vagina'," Ning said, smirking. Chao glared at him.

Ce, pouting, let HTH crawl up his shoulder. "Don't worry, buddy, I still love you," he said.

Chao, deciding not to comment, decided instead to pimp Justiceapalooza for what it was worth. "Have you heard about Justiceapalooza?" he asked.

"No," said Ce, "what is it?"

"What _isn't_ it?" Chao answered, "here, take a flyer and see for yourself!"

"Don't touch it, it's all covered in Justice Germs," Ning said, looking disgusted.

"Well, you're not allowed inside, so fuck you," Chao retorted.

"I wouldn't come even if I was guest of honor!" Ning replied, "so put that on your dick and _suck it_!"

"Such crude retorts," said Chao, "that's why you're not allowed in! You _or_ that irritating Xing Cai!"

"Xing Cai?" Ning repeated, "what'd _she_ do to you?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but—"

"Catering by KFC?" Ce asked excitedly, "is it the grilled chicken too?"

"It's all of the chicken," said Chao, eying Ce strangely.

Ning's eyes lit up. "Free food?" he demanded.

"Yes, and absolutely none of it is for you," Chao answered swiftly, "I bet you're regretting being such an asshole now~"

"Fat chance," Ning said, "I don't need your stupid chicken when I can buy my own!"

"I'm sure," said Chao, "see you later, Ce." He picked the box of Justiceapalooza advertisements and went off down the hall to find another bulletin board to justice-ify.

"Alright then," said Ning, making a face, "Tong-o's shift starts at 11, we get our asses over there soon enough and we can sneak this camera past security."

"Or we can go in through the employee entrance," said Ce, "I work there too, remember?"

"Oh, right," said Ning, "well, whatever, let's get this over with, then—and put the stupid tarantula back!"

Ce held HTH protectively.

(A/N: I'm really getting tired of typing 'Justiceapalooza! D: )

* * *

Ce smiled, taking in the Adventure Archipelago "Aah. Ze tropical tranquility zat ees Adventure Archipelago. Here we see zee lifeguard in ees natural habeetat."

Ning lowered the camera long enough to stare blankly at Ce. "Who the fuck are you, Jacques Cousteau! Talk like a normal fucking human!"

Ce sighed, his voice exasperated. "All the narrators talk like this! What about the guy from Spongebob!"

Ning scowled, beating his knuckles against forehead. "FINE. Let's just film fucking Tong and move on with our damn lives!"

Ce beamed and scurried over towards the lifeguard tower, trying to be inconspicuous (sadly, the two fully dressed guys at a pool carrying a video camera were the definition of 'conspicuous'). He grinned, seeing the subject of their documentary up in the tower.

"There he is!" said Ce cheerfully, "yo, Tong!"

Tong was sitting in his lifeguard chair, which was more like a tower; it had a roof, and a place for him to keep a cooler and whatever else he might want. He was currently sitting in his chair with his feet up, arms behind his head, and wearing a pair of sunglasses. His silver whistle was gleaming from where it hung around his neck, resting on his sweaty chest with all his muscles and—okay, fangirling of the narration has ceased.

The two of them (Ning and Ce) perched on the side of the tower. "Rolling?" Ce asked.

"Yup," said Ning.

Ce cleared his throat. "'ere we see zee lifeguar' in ees natural habeetat. Examin' zee way he diligently observez zee passerby in zee pool. Examin' zee crystalline beauty of zee pool. Examin' zee—hey, why hasn't he yelled at us yet?"

"That's half the fun right there!" Ning scowled. "OI, TONG!" He waved his hand in Tong's face.

Tong let out a loud snore.

Ning narrowed his eyes suspiciously, reaching over and pushing up Tong's sunglasses. "Are you getting this? That loser's sleeping when there are _innocent lives_to be saved!"

Ce scowled. "I'm getting this, alright—HEY TONG!"

Tong stirred, finally. "Mmmsdpsdhsh… wh-what are you guys doing here!" He looked alarmed. "Go away! You're gonna get me fired!"

"Research!" Ce answered easily. "Hey, Tong, what's with the inflatable shark?"

Tong rubbed his eyes sleepily. "In case I wanna go on lunch break—Ning, get away from those!"

"Get away from what?" Ning asked, eyeballing the stockpiled Baby Ruth bars.

"Those! Those are my secret weapon, you're not touching those!" Tong batted his hands away and scowled.

Ning scowled right back. "I'm _hungry_!"

"I don't care! Hands off!"

Ning made a face. "You hog! Denying your best friend vital nutrition!"

"This is going to be one fuck of a documentary," commented Ce. "Tong, we're gonna ruin you, buddy!"

Tong scowled. "Why! What did I ever do to deserve ruin!"

"Deny your best friend a candy bar, for one," said Ning.

"Here's a song I wrote you on _the world's smallest violin_," Tong answered. Ce and Ning glared at him in unison, Ce raising the camera balefully.

Tong sighed, defeated. "Fine. You want to know why you can't have one? I'll do a demonstration." He rustling through the stuff in the corner of the tower and pulled out a slingshot. "Watch this, will ya?" He shot the Baby Ruth bar into the pool.

Ning looked outraged. "Oh, so if I can't have one, nobody can!" he demanded.

"Just watch," Tong said, rolling his eyes.

"EWWWWWW!" screamed a woman, seeing the Baby Ruth float by.

"Ohhhh," said Ce and Ning in unison.

People were starting to scream and jump out of the pool and thrash around, all trying to get away from the 'turd' in the pool.

"You use them to create pandemonium?" Ning asked, wide-eyed. "My respect for you just skyrocketed, buddy!"

"Good to know," Tong said, rolling his eyes, "I do that periodically to keep from getting bored~"

"Obzerve zee denizens of ze pool as zey flee for zeir very lives!" Ce screeched, "run, little peoplez, run!"

Tong looked at Ning blankly. "Is there a reason he's talking like Jacques Cousteau?"

Ning shrugged. "Does there _need_ to be a reason?"

Tong sighed. Days like today made him wish his best friends didn't have negative IQ.

And of course, something always happened to make things worse. Ginchiyo normally stayed holed up in her supervisor's office, being a workaholic (and she was watching the 'Days of our Shards' marathon on TV, which _always_ was scheduled during her shifts, dammit). Anyway, the screams of the people in the pool had given her the motivation to do her job (and she'd seen Tong clocking in earlier, she knew he was out there and she could yell at him, which always made her feel happy).

"TONG, GET YOUR USELESS—oh, hello," said Ginchiyo, striding out of the office and noticing Ce and Ning, who hadn't left yet.

"Hi!" said Ce.

"Is this the bitch with the stick up her ass you're always whining about?" Ning asked (rather indiscreetly).

Tong facepalmed. Ginchiyo's eyebrows looked like a giant V, she looked so pissed off.

"Thanks a lot," he sighed.

Ginchiyo looked like an angry falcon for a moment before smirking evilly. "Tong, there's a mess in the restroom that needs cleaning," she said, her voice dripping evil, "why don't you go make yourself useful and scrub it up?"

Tong sighed. "Fine." He took a step towards the office.

"FREEZE," Ginchiyo barked.

Tong groaned. "What?" he asked.

"The bathrooms are _that_ way," Ginchiyo pointed.

"The gloves are _this_way," Tong answered, scowling.

Ginchiyo's smirk did not waver. Tong stared at her in disbelief. "I'm not cleaning up any messes in the bathroom without gloves on!" he said angrily, "I'm not gonna contract AIDS because Ning has a big mouth!"

"I call 'em as I see 'em," Ning said, and grinned at two blonde girls passing by.

Tong facepalmed. "When I contract AIDS I'll find a way to give it to all of you, believe me," he hissed, stomping off.

"Ew," said Ce, "hi Ginchiyo!"

"Ce," Ginchiyo said through gritted teeth, "how are things at Abmuk?"

"Boring," Ce answered, "I had more fun working here!"

Ginchiyo vividly remembered Ce's brief stint as a lifeguard—he was by far the most _enthusiastic_ lifeguard, and he made about 25 saves _an hour_—of course, he was too good, and therefore he made all the other slackers look bad. Rather than increase their own work ethic to match Ce's, they all bitched at Ginchiyo so much she decided just to transfer his ass out.

"Yes, well, all good things must come to an end," answered Ginchiyo, making a face. "That reminds me, we've got an open position for a lifeguard, Ina went on a rampage and quit yesterday. Do you know anyone who wants a job?"

"GIVE," Ning demanded.

Ginchiyo brightened. "An assertive personality, unfocused determination, and no hesitation to rat out your fellow man? You've got the job!" she said.

"Awesome," said Ning, "two questions, when do I get paid and when do I get to go on break?"

"You start tomorrow," said Ginchiyo, "I trust Tong will tell you the necessary fundamentals of what you'll need to know to be a good lifeguard."

Ning nodded. "Sleep and Baby Ruth bars. Got it."

Ginchiyo facepalmed.

* * *

I really have no timeframe for this story; I'm just going with it. It's a rather amusing way to write a story. :D

Reviews are welcome! Those of you who are reading this and don't review suck at life. Yes, I went there.


	6. Keijizilla

Chapter six, meet readers; readers, meet chapter six.

Like I said, the story's less of 'all' the DWs and more how they all interact with Ling Tong, Gan Ning, and Sun Ce. Ling Tong, Gan Ning, and Sun Ce are the main characters. Yes, I am a biased person. :3

Here we goooooo~

* * *

It was a beautiful Sunday morning; the birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and the college students had fled their books and notes to instead spend the day at Grand Fountain park (avoiding the Grand Fountain itself, which was having its water changed—after Pi and Ce's mudfight-without-the-mud, the water was being detoxified). Everything was quiet, and peaceful… except for the lunatic running around in a freaking Godzilla suit.

"RAAAAAAAAAAWR," shouted Keiji/Godzilla, otherwise known as the narrative-preferred 'Keijizilla'; "I'M GONNA EAT YOU, RAAAAAAAAAAAWR!"

Lying bridal-style in Keiji's arms, and shrieking like the devil herself was after her, was Okuni. "EEEEEEEEK! SOMEONE, PLEASE PREVENT THIS _TERRIBLE_ LIZARD FROM HAVING HIS WICKED WAY WITH ME!" she wailed, her face in her hands.

"RAAAAAAAAAAWR," yelled Keijizilla.

Following behind them, carrying a handheld video camera, was Goemon Ishikawa, who was really beginning to regret devoting his Sunday to helping 'Okeiji' with their project. Everyone was outside, he could be looting through the dorms right now—he needed a new moisturizer (and like hell he was going to buy one _at the store_ and get laughed at by some smartass cashier), and he wouldn't say no to a PS3 or a plasma-screen TV either~

Anyway, he rolled his eyes. "Uhh, Okuni—for the record, uh, Godzilla wants to _eat_ you… us Japanese people are crazy but, uh, lizard bestiality is crossing a few lines, y'know?"

Okuni stopped shrieking and blinked a few times. "Oh, okay. I understand~"

Keijizilla grinned (but his face was hidden by the Godzilla mask). "I'll be sure to eat _you_ up, baby!"

Okuni beamed at him, batting her eyelashes. "Only my darling Keiji could adapt to the complexities of Godzilla's character so _effortlessly_!"

Goemon facepalmed. "Where's MechaGodzilla when you need 'im…"

Keijizilla made a face (once again hidden by the Godzilla mask). "Alrighty, let's do a take two—Godzilla attacks… THE INNOCENT PEOPLE IN THE PARK! RAAAAAAAAWR!"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" shrieked Okuni, "oh, help, someone save me! Help!"

The innocent people in the park exchanged glances as a nutcase dressed in a Godzilla suit charged at them. Sigh. The education wasn't good enough at FU to put up with this kind of crap.

Goemon huffed as he chased after them both—"Slow down!" he bellowed, his fat legs trying to keep up—stupid Keiji with his stupid muscles!

* * *

On the other side of the park, Tong was enjoying a lazy Sunday—no work, nothing to study for, and everything was nice and quiet—well, aside from his irritating friends buzzing around him like a flies. That was loud and irritating.

"GO AWAY," said Tong, his teeth gritted, "I'm not even doing anything interesting!"

The camera lens focused on him was cold and unfeeling. Ning lowered it for a moment. "Something interesting might _happen_," he reasoned.

"Yeah, and we have to get it on tape!" said Ce cheerfully.

"Or else it'll be lost forever," Ning finished.

Tong facepalmed. "You losers are finishing each other's sentences now! When's the freaking wedding!"

Ning and Ce looked outraged—"Take that back, you dirty—" They stopped, suddenly. "Is that Godzilla!"

Tong rolled his eyes. "Speaking in unison only convinces me you two are gay lovers~"

"Oh shut up! That's Godzilla!" said Ning, staring.

Tong made a face. "If I humor you, will you go aw—is that Okuni!" he asked, turning around, his eyes widening.

"HOLY CRAP IT'S GODZILLA!" said Ce excitedly, "Ning, take my picture with Godzilla, take my picture with Godzilla!"

Ning jumped up and down, waving. "Hey, Godzilla, over here! Pay attention, ya stupid lizard!"

Tong groaned. "That's not Godzilla, you morons!"

Okuni brightened suddenly—"Tooooooong! Help meeeee!" she wailed.

Keiji scowled (hidden by the mask). "Don't talk to _him_!" he grunted.

Okuni sighed. "Keiji, I'm _acting_!"

"Don't act at him!" said Keiji, pissed off.

Goemon rolled his eyes—"Gee, is it me, or did Godzilla somehow LEARN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! Dammit Keiji, I have things I'd much rather be doing! QUIT BREAKING CHARACTER!"

Keiji was indifferent. "Then go do 'em! A tripod on a skateboard wouldn't be givin' us this much lip!"

"I can't help giving you a lot of lip! It's GENETIC!" complained Goemon.

"RAAAAAAAWR," Keiji said angrily, going back to character and kicking a bench (the two kids making out on the bench briefly surfaced to look annoyed).

Tong watched blankly for a few minutes, hearing his name being called, and finally rolled his eyes. "Yeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, it's just _those_ idiots. I'm outta here."

Ning and Ce exchanged glances. "HEY GODZILLA! COME ATTACK TONG, WE NEED INTERESTING FOOTAGE!"

Tong stopped to glare at them. "Do you have to!" he demanded.

"Yes," said Ning and Ce in unison.

Tong rolled his eyes and muttered something about not knowing what side to sit on at the wedding, bride or groom—Keiji, meanwhile, found an opportunity to kill Tong and make it sort of look like an accident.

"GODZILLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," he roared, charging—Tong swore briefly and turned to run—

"Keijiiii," whined Okuni, "Godzilla is not the one shouting 'Godzilla', that's what everyone he _terrorizes_ is screaming!"

"Oh. Right. RAAAAAAAAAWR," shouted Keiji, chasing after Tong.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEK," squealed Okuni helpfully. "Toooong, _save me_, I do believe this awful lizard wishes to have his way with me!"

"Uh, ew?" Tong said, making a face, "go away both of you!"

"RAAAAAAAAAAWR," shouted Keiji, and Tong wisely decided to run.

"STAY AWAY FROM MEEEEEEEE," he shouted.

Ning and Ce took up the chase—"Trip and fall! Trip and fall!" they chanted (once again, in perfect unison).

"I HATE YOU GUYS," Tong shouted over his shoulder.

"You have to suffer for our art!" whined Ce.

"Yeah, that's the title o' this thing!" Ning added.

"GET BACK HERE YOU GIRLFRIEND STEALING RODENT!" shouted Keiji, breaking character, setting Okuni down before chasing after him with new resolve.

"I didn't _steal_ anything! She drugged me!" Tong yelled.

"MY OKUNI WOULD NEVER DO THAT!" Keiji raged.

"Hey, am I the only one here who's actually _seen_ Godzilla!" demanded Goemon, huffing and puffing as he tried to keep up with Keiji, running at a full sprint.

"Oh, forget it," sighed Okuni, breezily walking beside Goemon, "my, Goemon, you do look awfully winded~"

"I'm all man underneath my hefty exterior!" he promised, and scowled—"Damn you, Keiji!"

"KEIJI, I KNOW IT'S YOU IN THERE, LEAVE ME ALONE!" Tong shouted over his shoulder, damning his flip flops to hell—he could outrun Keiji Maeda with his legs tied behind his back, but these stupid things were too hard to run in!

"Trip and fall! Trip and fall!" Ce and Ning were still cheering, following with the camera.

"NEVER REVEAL GODZILLA'S IDENTITY!" Keiji shouted, "Slow down so I can pummel you!"

"Yeah I think I'll pass on that one!" _How does all this weird stuff always manage to happen to me!_ Tong stopped questioning his misfortune long enough to leap over a park bench; Keiji's peripheral vision left a lot to be desired, and he ran _into_ the bench, rolling forward and falling on his head.

"Keijiiiiii!" wailed Okuni, "Goemon, is he okay!"

"How the hell should I know?" Goemon asked, huffing and puffing, "stupid aerobic exercise! I'm not built for this kind of—" Goemon's legs finally gave out from under him, unable to handle carrying such weight for such a long time, and he collapsed on the sidewalk in a wheezing pile.

"NING HURRY UP!" shouted Ce, leaping over Goemon.

"I'm comin'!" Ning answered, following, and they both picked up the chase.

"WOULD YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!" Tong demanded angrily, "go away, Keiji, you ugly loser!"

"RAAAAAAAWR," shouted Keiji, either in character or so pissed off he was at a loss for words, take your pick.

"Keiji come baaaaack," whined Okuni.

"…what the _hell_?" asked Shang Xiang, from nearby. She and the Qiaos had chosen to go to the park to have a nice relaxing Sunday (yeah, right).

Actually, in the park's defense, it _had_ been pretty relaxing until her screaming best friend ran by, being chased by _Godzilla_, Godzilla being followed by her brother and Ning. Weiiiiiird.

"Maybe they're in some kind of wacky race?" Da guessed.

"Tong doesn't look like he's in a wacky mood," said Shang Xiang, frowning, "and what the hell is my brother and Ning doing bringing up the rear!"

Xiao, on the other hand, didn't waste a minute—"HI! CE! OVER HEEEEEEEEERE!" she shouted, jumping up and down and waving her arms over her head.

Shang Xiang rolled her eyes. Da frowned. "Dare I ask why you seem so happy to greet _my_ boyfriend, _little sister_?"

"Shaddap!" whined Xiao, "sheesh, you act like you own him, or something!"

Da jumped up to tell her little sister exactly _what_ she thought of _that_ particular statement; meanwhile, Shang Xiang's usual chant of 'fuck my life', which had become a mantra whenever her idiot Qiao roommates began shrieking about who wanted to fuck her older brother _more_, was interrupted.

Ce perked up, having heard the glorious shrieky octaves of his girlfriend's melodious voice, and stopped—"Daaaaaaaaaa!" he shouted, grinning, "Daaaaaa! Over here, baby!"

Ning had been so focused in watching the soon-to-be-Tong-carnage ahead he didn't notice Ce had come to a complete stop, and ran right into him. Ce lost his balance due to the Ning torpedo slamming into his back (you can stop thinking sexual innuendos any time you want, readers, it's not _that_ kind of story!), and the two got tangled in a sweaty, muscley pile of adolescent men, rolling around all over the grass both trying to untangle themselves and thoroughly pound the other one (once again, no sexual innuendos intended).

Keiji, not one to turn a blind eye on people beating the stuffing out of each other, turned around and laughed. "You guys are idiots!" he said cheerfully, "kill each other, wouldya?"

"I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU," Tong was bellowing, unaware nobody was paying attention to him anymore. When Keiji offered no rebuttal, he got suspicious and did the fatal horror movie move; he turned around.

Of course, _someone_ was still paying attention to Tong; Shang Xiang was, and _not_ because his ass looked so good when he was running in those khaki cargo shorts, _thank you_, but to her left was Qiao bickering and to her right was a tangled man pile, one of whom was her older brother, ew, so she had nothing else to pay attention to. Yeah.

Anyway, she noticed the Honda CR-V coming straight towards Tong (who was now in the middle of the road), and the driver yakking on her cell phone (ironically telling her friend on the phone that Godzilla did not exist and any rumors about a Godzilla sighting were pure grade-A bullshit).

"TONG LOOK OUT," shouted Shang Xiang.

"Huh?" Tong asked, and thump.

"Oh, _shit_!" said the CR-V driver, and promptly floored it and drove off.

"Ow," said Tong.

Ce and Ning finally managed to untangle themselves, all sweaty with their hair all over their faces and their clothes messed up—"get off of me!" they shouted in unison.

"OKUNIIIII," shouted Goemon, chasing (futilely) after Okuni, "Okuni, wait!"

"Where's Keiji!" Okuni whined.

"He's in a lizard suit! He's kind of hard to miss, y'know!" Goemon grumbled. He was playing second banana to a guy in a _lizard suit_! No, actually, he was playing _third banana_ to the guy who was actually playing second banana, the guy being _chased_ by the guy in the lizard suit. He worked his entire life to get where he was today, playing third banana. To a bunch of losers. And he didn't even _like_ bananas.

"Ugggh," Tong grumbled, sitting up a bit and rubbing his head.

"Toooooong!" said Shang Xiang, concerned as she ran up to him, followed by Da and Xiao (Xiao tagging along primarily in case there was blood).

"Am I dead?" Tong asked groggily.

"No," said Da.

"ARGH," groaned Tong.

"Do it again! I wasn't looking!" Xiao cheered, looking excited.

Tong scowled.

Ning and Ce had finally gotten their acts together again, Ning grabbing the camera—"Tong, don't do anything interestin' until we get the camera fixed!" he shouted.

"Did you break it?" Ce asked suspiciously, "and where'd he go?"

"He's over there bleedin' to death or somethin', nothin' good," said Ning, checking the camera, "we should be good f'r five minutes—I gotta re-calibrate this stupid lens, _nice going dropping it, _CE!"

"Hey, if you got a problem with how I do things, call me out on it like a man!" Ce huffed.

"You mean like how I just did? Noted!" Ning snapped. "Shit, this ain't _my_ camera, I don't know to fix it!"

"Tong's still bleedin' to death, want me to take a—OH, SHIT! TONG!" Ce shouted, and sprinted off towards their best friend.

"Now I'm the asshole for not noticin' first!" Ning complained, "HANG ON TOOOOOOONG!" And he chased after Ce.

"Owww," whined Tong, groaning.

"Are you okay?" Shang Xiang asked, sounding a bit scared, "your back's all bloody!"

"No, I'm not okay, I'd be walking if I was okay," Tong grumbled.

"You can be a smartass but you can't walk?" Shang Xiang asked, annoyed.

"Life's full o' mysteries, huh?" Tong answered.

"CALL THE POLICE! This was murder!" shouted Xiao.

"No, it wasn't! Stop getting excited!" Da hissed.

"MURDER MURDER MURDER!" wailed Xiao.

Keiji overheard what Xiao was screaming. "Oh, shit," he said, paling, "Okuni, I—I think I killed 'im!"

Okuni was fixing her hair. "Hmm?"

"I killed Tong holy fuckin' shit I didn't mean to kill him oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!" Keiji panicked.

Goemon, however, had a sudden bright idea. "Run for it!"

"What?" Keiji asked.

"Run for the hills! Keiji, you were in costume, nobody can link you to the crime! The Keys are only an eight-hour drive from here!" Goemon was excited.

Keiji nodded furiously. "Right!" And he took off. "GET OUTTA MY WAY!" he was shouting, "I GOT A CRIME SCENE TO ESCAPE FROM!"

Goemon grinned, licking the palm of his hand and slicking his hair back—"so, Okuni, baby~"

"My Keiji's left me!" said Okuni mournfully, "I'll be alone _forever_!" She took out her cell phone and began to scroll through her contact list. "Hmm, I wonder what Toshiie is up to later…"

Goemon's face, quite simply, was 'T_T'. He just kept getting moved down that list of bananas.

Back with Tong, Ning looked alarmed. "Murder!"

"Who the fuck was driving that car!" Ce asked, "we should sue their asses!"

The "ch-ching!" noise went off, and a dollar sign popped up over Ning's head. "WE SHOULD! Fuckers!"

"The driver couldn't have been going more than five miles an hour, really," said Da reasonably.

"But look at him! He's bleeding!" Shang Xiang pointed out.

"That was more when he epic failed and fell over after he got hit," said Xiao.

"Let's see this for ourselves," said Ce, crossing over behind Tong and promptly pulling his shirt clean off—("OW!" squawked Tong). "Oh, shit," he said after a moment.

"What is it!" Shang Xiang asked, sounding all worried.

"He's got a big scrape right—there," said Ce, poking at it.

"OW!" Tong squawked again, "don't touch it!"

"Looks fine to me," said Ning, "we should still sue, though~"

"Sue who?" Tong complained, "I didn't _see_ who hit me! Just some idiot in a red CR-V!"

"You look fine to me," said Ce cheerfully—"hey, Tong, where'd your tattoo go?"

"What are you talking about, where'd it go? It's right there!" Tong said, squirming about.

"No it's not," said Ce, "isn't it on your left shoulder?"

"Either that or it migrated to the other side of my back without telling me," said Tong, rolling his eyes.

Ning and Ce both studied Tong's back for a moment—_something_ was wrong, but they couldn't quite figure out _what_…

Tong, finally, seemed to correlate the pain in his back with his missing tattoo, and screamed. "MY TATTOO!" he wailed, "OH, FUCKING HELL, IT'S GONE! What if I never meet Paula again!"

"Oh well," said Shang Xiang, seeming quite indifferent.

Ning brightened. "So I get to watch you scream up a tattoo place again," he said cheerfully.

Tong scowled, looking seriously pissed off—"stupid Keiji!"

"Well, you look fine to me," said Shang Xiang after a moment, "I'm hungry~"

"Oh, seriously, guys, stop it, your concern is embarrassing," Tong grumbled.

"Hey, I think we got the whole thing on tape!" said Ce, his eyes widening.

"Yeah! We can sue the shit out of the sonbitch wh—I mean, err, catch the lowlife who injured our friend and bring him to justice!" Ning said, "way to go, Ce!" He ran off to pick up the camera from where he'd dropped it.

(Chao sneezed, sensing the name of justice was being used in vain. Or something.)

"Oh, shit," said Ning, returning with the camera, looking sheepish. "Bad news, guys."

"I _hate_ sentences that start like that," whined Tong, "what is it!"

"The lens cap's been on the whole time," Ning grumbled, "so basically, it's like this whole event never even _happened_—dammit! Fuckin' hell, we'd have gotten an A for sure with that!"

"Let's go beat up Goemon and get his tape!" Ce suggested brightly.

"That is a fucking good idea," said Ning, cheering up, "glad I thought of it!"

"Yeah, me too—hey, wait!" whined Ce, "dammit, Ning!" They ran off to go kill Goemon, or something.

"I _really_ need to make some new damned friends," grumbled Tong.

"Either that or start looking where you're going," Xiao offered.

Tong glared at her.

* * *

Tong sat in the living room, wide-eyed and squashing the life out of the pillow in his arms—as much as he loved his Sunday night True Blood fix, that didn't change the fact that vampires never failed to scare him shitless. Stupid Shang Xiang getting him hooked on this show!

And right as Eric bared his fangs and attacked Royce down in the Fangtasia! dungeon—

"YO, TONG," shouted Ning cheerfully behind him. Tong screamed bloody murder, jumped about four feet in the air, flailed in mid-air, and somehow managed to land back on his ass on the chair. Then he fell off and landed on the floor, painfully.

"WHAT!" he bellowed, rearing on his best friend.

Ning grinned, dropping the four giant flats of Bud Light he was carrying on the couch. "Guess who's throwin' a party?"

"I HAVE NO FUCKING IDE—Oh, _crap_!" Tong whined, "stupid TV cut off!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS IT," Ce bellowed, kicking the door open, running in Tong and Ning's living room with a baseball bat—"oh, hey, Ning!" He smiled brightly.

"Hi," said Ning, looking at the bat.

Ce shrugged. "My TV cut out and I'm missin' True Blood! So I figured I'd make as dramatic an entrance as possible."

"I'm fine, thank you," commented Tong loudly, from his pile on the floor.

Ning and Ce looked down at him. "You got a bum ankle and Paula Abdul-autograph-shaped scrape on your back," said Ning, "you want an award?"

"No I don't want an award! I want you two to go away!" Tong complained, "and where the hell is Shang Xiang with my Taco Bell!"

Ning looked affronted. "You made that girl run out at 9:30 so you could get your Taco Bell fix?" he asked, scowling, "you realize that Taco Bell's a shithole this time of night!"

"It's a shithole every time of night," said Tong, pulling himself back onto the couch with some difficulty, "'sides, she offered!"

"You probably bitched at her 'til she did~" said Ce cheerfully, jumping over the couch and landing next to Tong companionably.

Tong looked at him for a good few seconds.

"What?" Ce asked.

"Move!" Tong said, annoyed.

"My TV shorted out," said Ce cheerfully, "otherwise I would be very much at home!"

"Yo," said Shang Xiang, coming back, her arms full of Taco Bell—"oh, hey, guys!"

"There's my favorite baby sister!" said Ce cheerfully, "c'mere, give your big brother a big huuuug~"

"Oh, yeah, I'm your favorite sister while I've got an armful of Taco Bell!" Shang Xiang said, making a face up at him, "help me out, will ya?"

"Sure!" said Ce cheerfully, "I'll make all those tacos disappear~"

"Hey, I paid for those!" Tong whined, "don't let him have any!"

"Too late!" said Ce, his mouth full of taco, "Tong, your generous contribution to the 'Feed Ce' foundation is appreciated!"

"Don't I contribute _enough_ to the 'Feed Ce' foundation!" Tong grumbled, taking his collection of tacos from Shang Xiang's arms and sitting back on the couch. "All o' you shut up!"

"You're watchin' this shit again?" Ning asked, looking at True Blood, "you gonna scream bloody murder when they bite someone again?"

"He always does that," said Shang Xiang brightly, "he's scaaaaaaaaared~"

"I'm not _scared_! They caught me off guard is all!" Tong defended himself, nearly dropping a glob of taco sauce on his shorts. "Ning, what the fuck're you doing with all that fucking beer! Didn't I specifically tell you the next time I find beer in this apartment I am going to throw it AND you out of the window _in that order_!"

"Tong, don't be a geek," said Ning, flopping on the chair across from the coffee table, "this is a way of makin' _money_!"

"You've got a job! Make money with that!" Tong whined.

"How're you gonna make money with beers, Ning?" asked Shang Xiang, sitting down next to her brother, "sell 'em?"

"Nah, throw a huge party!" said Ning cheerfully, "been a few weeks anyway~"

"Yeah, we throw the best parties!" Ce said excitedly.

"How do you make money having a party? Don't you lose money with parties?" Shang Xiang asked, tilting her head.

"Don't bother trying to understand their idiot logic," complained Tong, turning the TV back on and scowling at the static.

"Well, way I see it, twenty bucks for a flat o' beers," said Ning, ticking off on his fingers, "I bought four of 'em… we tell everyone we know, charge 'em each 5 bucks to get in—"

"And to use the bathroom!" Ce said brightly.

Ning grinned—"even better!" he said, "and we're not feedin' 'em either, so way I see it we'll earn all the money back with a shitload of profit!"

"What if people say 'screw this' and leave?" Tong asked, rolling his eyes, "ever think of that?"

"Hey, five bucks for all the beer you can get your hands on is a fuckin' good deal," Ning pointed out, "I'd go~"

"You admit to falling for your own scam," said Tong, shaking his head.

"Hey, are you gonna charge _me_?" whined Shang Xiang.

Ning and Ce looked at each other and looked at her. "Yes," said Ning, at the same time Ce said, "You're not coming!". They looked at each other again.

"Hey, our unison's off," Ce complained.

"Why can't she come?" Ning asked, "her money's just as green as everyone else's is!"

"Yeah!" said Shang Xiang, "stupid Ce, I wanna come!"

"Too bad!" said Ce, folding his arms, "my _little sister _has no business at some rambunctious college party!"

"I'm nineteen!" said Shang Xiang, scowling, "I can take care of myself! And it's not like I'm gonna be drinking anything!"

"Shit," said Ning after a minute, "crap, people might use that excuse to get in free—fuck, Tong, what do you recommend!"

"Leaving me out of this," said Tong, steadily turning up the volume on the TV.

* * *

Any of you guys watch True Blood? Bonus points if you can tell me what episode Tong's watching XD (And telling me 'the episode when Eric bared his fangs and attacked Royce down in the Fangtasia! dungeon' doesn't count! :D)

In case you're wondering, I am _not_ a yaoi fangirl, but I can appreciate the attractiveness of two hot straight men rolling around on the grass in a sweaty muscular pile. If that doesn't make sense, well, it does in _my_ twisted mind.

This was kind of a short chapter and I apologize for it; but it was mostly filler anyway. Next chapter will be huge, it's got the party and Justiceapalooza! (YAY I DON'T HAVE TO TYPE THAT EVER AGAIN UNTIL THE NEXT CHAPTER!)


	7. Date Rape, Terry, and Justiceapalooza

Chapter 7! As promised, to make up for the lackluster (well, lackluster for me is still 90% better than the other schlock on this website, but I digress) Chapter 6, this one might be the longest published chapter I've posted to date. So, enjoy it! (And don't get used to these long chapters! Please, I beg of you!)

Also, this is a very _loud_ chapter. The main characters like to YELL. :D

* * *

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP.

"I HATE MONDAYS," Tong shouted into his pillow, reaching over and trying to smash his alarm clock—instead of hitting his alarm clock, his hand hit the glass of water he'd left on his desk from the night before, and knocked it over, successfully shorting out his cell phone.

The alarm clock, of course, still worked, and continued to BEEP loudly.

"ARRRRRGH," Tong growled through gritted teeth, sitting up and pushing his hair from his face—"what the—! !"

Ning came bursting through Tong's door. "Sorry it took me so—what the fuck?" he asked, staring at the foot of Tong's bed.

"GET THEM OUT OF HERE!" Tong shrieked, "I thought that fucking thing was DEAD!"

"Nah, he rose from the dead, or somethin'!" said Ning, watching Terry and Hassle the Hoff copulate with some morbid curiosity, "awww, we're gonna have a bunch o' baby spiders!"

"GET THEM OUT OF HERE!" Tong shrieked again.

"Why's Tong screaming!" Ce asked excitedly, charging into Tong's room, naked except for his Hobbes-print boxers (think Hobbes of _Calvin and Hobbes_), "is he getting raped agai—_TERRY_!"

"Oh, god," said Ning, groaning, "Ce, go put some freaking clothes on!"

"TERRRRRRRY!" wailed Ce, looking close to tears, "you're _alive_, baby!"

"Terry will like you a lot more if you don't cockblock him!" said Ning, rolling his eyes, "go away!"

"TERRY'S A GIRL!" Ce shot back, "and you just want to be alone with Tong when you're both scantily clad and the room has all this sex in it!"

"Hey, YOU TWO are the gay ones here, not me!" Tong said defensively.

"That's not true, check the fanfictions, more fangirls ship Gan Ning/Ling Tong than Sun Ce/Gan Ning or Sun Ce/Ling Tong!" Ce shot back.

"Why do I get topped by YOU!" demanded Ning, "I don't get topped by anyone!"

"Then you need to read that one story, what's it called—"

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP! And why do I get topped by BOTH OF YOU! Gross!" whined Tong. "WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS, THIS IS DISGUSTING! I never thought I'd find something as disgusting as the spiders screwing on my bed but this sure tops it!"

"Just like I top both of you!" said Ce cheerfully.

"Would you stop being proud of that!" demanded Ning.

"I still don't understand why I don't top anyone!" Tong complained.

"It's a manliness thing, you're the least manly of all of us," said Ce dismissively.

"And you're more manly than I am!" squawked Ning.

"I think in the case of extreme manliness it goes in height order," said Ce, "or something? I dunno, Shang Xiang hid her yaoi mangas after she caught me reading them—"

"You _read_ yaoi mangas?" asked Tong, rolling his eyes.

"It was like a car wreck, dude, I couldn't stop staring!" said Ce defensively.

"Suuuuuure," said Ning.

Ce opened his mouth to reply, but was distracted by the cuteness of the tarantula sex—"where's the camera! Oh, that's so cuuuuute, Terry's topping Hassle the Hoff!"

"Oh, _god_," said Tong, groaning and looking disgusted, "this is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen!"

"Apparently someone hasn't looked in the mirror!" commented Ning dryly. Tong shot him a dirty look.

"Camera!" said Ce brightly, deleting the memory off Tong's digital camera and recording—"aww, they're so _cute_!"

"More like something out of Tarantulas Gone Wild," Ning said, making a face.

Tong groaned and flopped back on his bed, not even bothering to scream like a girl and dive out the window like he'd originally wanted to. Not freaking worth it.

* * *

"Why do those idiots have to make so much damned noise!" demanded Chao, scowling over breakfast. His breakfast of justice was being interrupted by the idiots above them.

"Murphy's, I guess?" said Yun, flipping through the newspaper. "I am quite sick of all the yelling…"

"Stupid Gan Ning," seethed Chao, "well, he'll get it when he's not allowed inside Justiceapalooza!" He jumped up and grabbed a Swiffer, and proceeded to jab the handle up into the ceiling—"QUIET UP THERE!"

"Somehow I think he'll cope just fine," answered Yun, sipping at his orange juice, "yuck, Chao, you bought pulp! I hate pulp!"

"Think of the pulp as if it was a man without justice!" growled Chao, setting the Swiffer back down and resuming his breakfast of justice.

"Ew!" said Yun, looking disgusted. "Not your best justice analogy, Chao."

"Alright, that was lame," Chao said after a moment, "hey, _I_ don't mind the pulp, you're the crying baby here!"

"Don't call me a crying baby because I don't like slimy globs of crap in my juice!" complained Yun.

"Pulp-free is more expensive!" Chao argued, "that 10 cents we spend to keep your juice pulp-free is 10 cents that can go towards JUSTICE!"

"And helping people," said Yun brightly.

"Whatever," said Chao, pouring himself a bowl of Cheerios—contrary to popular belief, _Cheerios_ were the breakfast of champions, as far as Chao was concerned (and they were cheaper than Wheaties)—"speaking of which, I don't know if it was you or Yun Lu who sent my 'Super Chao' costume to Salvation Army, but I wasn't planning on wearing itto Justiceapalooza!"

"Oh, good," said Yun, breathing a sigh of relief. "Chao, I'm sorry, but wearing elastics in this heat is going to cook you like a sausage in a pressure cooker. Think of the greater good here."

Chao glared at him. "That suit was made with spandex! And spandex is the outfit of JUSTICE!"

Yun groaned. Chao had always taken justice a bit seriously. Cue montage music.

Chao in traffic: "I RAN THAT RED LIGHT IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!"

Chao in the grocery store: "I PURCHASED THIS ITEM IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!"

Chao beating some nefarious evil-doer up: "I FIGHT IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!"

Chao having sex: "I MADE IT SWEET IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE!" (to which the girl had said something in outrage and stomped out of the room.)

* * *

Anyway, yeah.

Chao scowled. "Justiceapalooza will be the greatest event this school has ever seen!" he said proudly.

"Yay," said Yun, "I'll be glad to have a part in it, I guess~ what about Xing Cai, Chao? She's always tried to thwart your plans!"

"And I her," answered Chao, "I've got _her_ covered, even though justice knows we'll be able to smell her a mile away."

"You know, I've been meaning to comment on that," said Yun, "for a hippie, she doesn't smell all that bad…"

"Her lackey Ping smells bad enough for two people, then," said Chao, making a face.

* * *

Xing Cai and Ping weren't far away, actually—Xing Cai was making herself busy tearing down all the Justiceapalooza signs, while Ping followed meekly behind, attempting to talk her out of it but losing his resolve immediately.

"These had better be printed on recycled paper!" growled Xing Cai, "stupid Chao!"

"Are you planning an anti-rally to compete with Chao's, Xing Cai?" asked Ping.

"I'm thinking about it, but even I might have trouble throwing a protest together in two days," admitted Xing Cai. (Justiceapalooza was scheduled for Wednesday, a day Chao proudly referred to as 'The Day of Justice!')

"I'm sure you can do it!" said Ping, stars in his eyes, "you're _amazing_, Xing Cai! Like the way you saved that tree!"

Xing Cai looked outside the conveniently placed window out at the mournfully empty patch of dirt where the FU pine had been. "I _didn't_ save the tree!"

"No, but you preserved it for a lot longer than anyone else ever would've!" said Ping.

Xing Cai brightened at that. "That's true. Alrighty then Ping, let's go think us a way to crash that rally!"

"Yay!" cheered Ping, "and while Chao weeps, I'll confess my love for you and we'll run off hand-in-hand to go save something else!"

"What was that?" Xing Cai asked.

"NOTHING!" Ping squawked.

Xing Cai frowned. "All this—_man-made material_ is affecting your brain, Ping!" she said, looking worried, "I think it's time for an organic chemical bath!"

"Not again!" whined Ping.

* * *

"We've got a problem on our hands, Ning," said Ce, watching the footage on Ning's laptop with some worry.

"What now?" Ning asked, groaning.

"We don't have enough bad stuff!" whined Ce, "we're never gonna be able to publish 'The Misfortune of Tong' without any misfortunes!"

"The guy's a walking misfortune," said Ning, rolling his eyes, "we'll think of something!"

* * *

Tong scowled in fury as a car drove through a puddle and splashed him. "HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE! IT'S NOT EVEN RAINING!" he squawked. "And why's it smell like Coke!"

* * *

"That got 'im," smirked Keiji, tossing his empty Big Gulp in the back seat of his truck.

"You're terrible," said Okuni, frowning.

Keiji glared at her. "Would you quit bein' all sweet on him, Okuni! I'm sitting right here! _I'm_ your boyfriend!

Keiji scowled. "Hey, I promised I'd stick with you if you stuck with me!"

"I am!" protested Okuni, "Keiji, why are you so angry at me? I would never do anything to betray your trust, darling!"

"Uh huh," said Keiji, looking disbelieving, "I don't ever wanna catch you with any other guy again!"

"I've never once cheated on you, Keiji!" said Okuni, frowning, "the only times I've ever dated anyone else is when we're broken up, and may I remind you, _you_ get jealous and break up with me!"

"Well as long's you don't ever look at any other guy it's fine with me," said Keiji, taking a right turn, "where were we goin', again?"

Okuni pressed her lips together angrily. "Stop the car," she said finally.

"S' a truck," said Keiji, missing the point.

"Keiji, I don't care what it is, stop the vehicle!" Okuni said firmly.

Keiji did, hitting the brakes abruptly (the kid behind them on the moped screamed, hit the brakes and had to steer himself into the bushes to avoid hitting the truck in front of him). "What!" he asked.

Okuni waited for the truck to come to a complete stop before opening the door and hopping out. "Goodbye, Keiji," she said, and walked away dramatically.

"What!" Keiji said, "Okuni! Baby, what the hell!"

He scowled as he leaned over to close the door. She'd be back~

Keiji watched Okuni stomp off—well, stomp off and still be walking as gracefully as Okuni did, more accurately—and scowled. _Women_!

Who needs 'em? I'll find _another_ girl'll who'll be twice as great as Okuni is—was! Yeah! Screw girls!

…_screw girls_… he made a big frowny face before replacing it with a much more familiar scowl. Well, time to take his fury out on people he didn't like~

Hey, stupid, said the nagging voice in his head, she dumped you because you were being a jerk!

Yeah, to Tong, who barely counts as a human being! Keiji argued back.

…true, but still! Okuni won't come back to you until you prove to her you're not a lowlife piece of scum who picks on people for the fun of it!

So I should pick on people who're bein' mean too? Like, be a superhero'n all that? Do I gotta wear the stupid lookin' spandex too?

(Somewhere in the sewing club, Chao sneezed)

No, you—do I have to do all of the thinking! Do something charitable! She's always collecting donations for charity-gather up a lot of money and donate it to her cause and she'll /throw/ herself at you!

And then she'll bone me, right?

…Interesting way of putting it, but yes, I suppose!

Yeah! I'll go rack up some cash for her whatever-it-is and then she'll let me touch _her_ rack! Good idea, voice in my head!

Keiji grinned. Doing good things instead of mean things? He wasn't _mean_, so to speak, he just liked reminding people he was the boss around here, not to mention gettin' into scraps was _fun_, but… well, maybe being nice'd be fun? Worth a shot, at least—

He was so overcome with the warm fuzzy feelings inside thinking of the rewards of doing something good that he forgot to drive. Not forgetting _how_ to drive, no, he was forgetting _to_ operate the motor vehicle he was currently operating.

"HEY YOU IMBECILE!" shouted 16-year-old genius prodigy child Masamune Date, "watch where you're going, you overgrown buffoon!"

Keiji glanced over at Masamune—_temptation too strong to resist!_

"You freak! Where'd you and your overgrown pituitary gland get your drivers' license, off the back of a _cereal box_!"

_DON'T DO IT, KEIJI! _

"Gee, if I'd known it was 'National Idiots Swerve All Over the Road and Hit Pedestrians" day, I'd have worn my florescent jumpsuit!"

_I can't not do it! Look at him, all short'n'pathetic lookin', n' LOUD, n' just askin' for it!_

"You're lucky I don't report you to the authorities!"

_DON'T DO IT, KEIJI! Think about Okuni!_

"There aren't any witnesses here! I can just as easy hold my back and file a lawsuit against you to teach you what happens when you drive recklessly! How's giving every penny you'll ever make in your useless life to _me_ sound, huh! You gonna listen to me _now_!"

…_what Okuni don't know won't hurt me!_

And with that, Keiji firmly shoved all indecision from his head, put his truck in park, and leapt out, grabbing the still-squawking Masamune and hauling him off towards one of the Florida University palms (which were not inhabited by any hippies; Xing Cai was not a fan of palm trees, after getting palm frans in places she didn't know existed until she sat in a palm tree for a week).

"HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? You imbecile! You're not worthy of laying a hand on me! Put me down immediately or you'll suffer _my wrath_!" Masamune was shouting, "I may look small and portable but I am a _man_!"

"Whatever," said Keiji, and hurtled Masamune up into the palm tree, where his belt loop caught on a branch; Masamune started crying, shaking his fists.

"I'll get you for this! One day you will all work for me!" Masamune wailed. "I will own you all, ya hear me!"

"Look, everyone, I planted a Date tree!" Keiji laughed.

Xing Cai frowned. "That's not what I meant by 'expand your global footprint!'" she huffed to Ping.

Ping smiled guilelessly. "He's huge, he makes a really big footprint!"

Xing Cai facepalmed. _Lackeys_.

* * *

"I bought the tape offa Goemon for eight bucks," said Ce, replaying the moment when Tong pinwheeled and got knocked over by the CR-V—"which is eight bucks more than I wanted to spend!"

"Cry about it," said Ning, making a face, "man, just gimme the camera and I'll take it to work, ever since I became the new lifeguard over there he's not gettin' any action at _all_~"

"Yow," said Ce, "well, that might be a good thing, I thought Shang Xiang was gonna kill 'im after he like, hit on some lifeguard chick in front of her, now I don't have t'listen to her whine about it!" He grinned brightly.

"Yeah, anyway," said Ning, making a face, Tong's crazed relationship with Shang Xiang not one of his concerns at the moment, "I dunno, hire some gay guy to grope the shit out of him?"

"Eww," said Ce, "I don't wanna watch _that_— hey, what about that one guy who lives down the hall, Zhang He?"

"EVEN BETTER, he'd do it for free!" said Ning, grinning—"man, I am too good at these genius ideas!"

"You didn't even think of it!" complained Ce, "I did!"

"Yeah, but it was my idea to jump your idea and take it for a ride," said Ning, "in your face!"

"A-HA!" shouted Tong from inside his room, and he came storming out into the living room, his black and red HP laptop in hand—and he dropped it. "SHIT!"

"See what I mean about walking misfortune?" Ning said to Ce.

"Shut up, it has the HP Protectsmart Hard Drive Protection," grumbled Tong, "it helps protect against data loss due to sudden drops and bumps!"

"Thank you, Mr. HP Salesman Guy," said Ce, "what're you—OH GOD PENIS!"

"I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING NOT RIGHT ABOUT YOU!" shouted Ning, looking disgusted at the display of Tong's laptop.

Sadly, the display was penis-covered. Or at least the browser window was.

Tong rolled his eyes. "I checked the official source," he said smugly, "! (1) And it says, and I quote—"in a true yaoi relationship the TALLEST character always tops, regardless of manly stature!" And, if we look around the room here—we have Ce coming in at 6 feet tall, Ning coming in at a measly 5 feet 11 inches—"

"I'm taller than Ce is!" Ning shouted.

"Only counting the overcompensating hair," said Tong.

"Yeah," said Ce, "how's the weather down there, _shorty_?"

Ning gritted his teeth furiously.

"And since I'm standing tall at six-two, I think that goes to say I TOP BOTH OF YOU!" said Tong, crossing his arms over his chest proudly. "HA!"

"Yeah, that's the kind of medical thesis that'll get you through medical school!" said Ce.

"That's some accomplishment there, Tong, in a hypothetical situation when me Ce and you are all flaming homosexuals, you'll top both of us," said Ning, making a face, "now get lost! We're planning ways to do bad things to you!"

"FINE!" huffed Tong, "sit there and simmer over your—bottom positions!" And he stomped back to his room.

"What's Tong yelling about?" asked Shang Xiang, letting herself right in as always.

"Would you stop bargin' in here!" asked Ning, "what if I was naked or something!"

"Well, if you and Ce were for some reason naked together on the couch I'm sure I'd find something to say," said Shang Xiang, smirking from ear to ear.

Ning sighed.

Shang Xiang grinned. "Where'd Tong go?" she asked, "I just heard him whining, he has to be around here somewhere~"

"I'm in here," shouted Tong, "and I refuse to go out there and associate with those idiots!"

"We can hear you," called Ce.

"That's the point, asshole!"

Shang Xiang rolled her eyes, walking down the hallway and grinning at her best friend. "Can I borrow your laptop?" she asked.

"Sure, why?" asked Tong, sitting up from where he was lying on his bed, playing Harvest Moon 64 (hey, Harvest Moon 64 was a _man's game_!). "Don't you have that million-dollar Macbook or whatever?"

"Xiao read somewhere on the Internet that Apple products _float_, and she didn't want to try it out with _her_ laptop," said Shang Xiang dryly. "And sadly Mac has no spill warranty."

"Make her buy a new one!" said Tong, scowling, "Ning breaks something of mine twice a week but at least he's able to _fix it_."

"Yeah, I told her she was buying me a new one," said Shang Xiang, rolling her eyes, "and I don't care _how_ she does it!"

* * *

Xiao had only seen this on TV, sadly. She hiked up the hem of her skirt, stuck her leg out, and wiggled her hips from side to side a bit. "Who wants to have sex with me for money!"

* * *

"Hope she doesn't get too creative," said Tong, rolling his eyes.

"As long as I get my new Macbook I don't care," said Shang Xiang, "and my entire digital yaoi collection got trashed too, after I caught Ce reading 'em I had to keep 'em on my laptop instead!"

"That's interesting," said Tong, making a face, a bit more interested in the well-being of his turnips than Shang Xiang's yaoi fixation. "I will never understand what's so hot about two guys going at it."

"That's because you have a penis," said Shang Xiang, as if that was the answer to everything. "Anyway, laptop, please?"

"Sure," said Tong, "don't let Xiao near it?"

"Gotcha," said Shang Xiang, laughing—"hey, what's that big burly dude doing on your farm, Tong?"

"What? NO, NO, NO, GO AWAY, BUYER, ARRGH!" shouted Tong at the TV, "stupid—arrrghh! The Flower Festival is tomorrow and I'm not going to have enough money for seeds ARRRRRGGHHHHH!" (2)

He apparently realized Shang Xiang was giving him a rather peculiar look and made a face at her. "Don't judge me!"

* * *

Late Tuesday night, Shang Xiang finally got to work on that stupid paper she was supposed to type up. She opened Tong's laptop (after she was done sniffing it—what, Tong smelled _good_!) and her innocent naïve eyes (yeah, _right_) were subjected to all the penis that decorated .

"What… the… _fuck_," she said, staring.

"Here's your stupid money!" complained Xiao, walking in and dropping a handful of $100 bills on Shang Xiang's lap—"whoa, is that _porn_! GIVE!"

"It's not _my _porn, it's Tong's!" whined Shang Xiang—"oh, _crap_!"

"Tong likes penis porn?" asked Xiao, "well, I can't say I'm surprised, really~"

"Hey! Shut up!" said Shang Xiang, scowling, "he's not _gay_!"

Xiao just shrugged. "If you say so! And there's your dumb money, I am no longer your indentured servant!"

"I'm surprised you even know what that is!" Shang Xiang shot back, still scowling. Stupid Xiao!

* * *

"Good morning, friends!" said Ce cheerfully, "hey, guys, what say we all head down to—"

It was Wednesday—a day ending in 'y'—so either Ning or Tong had found something to argue about. Today's argument was whether or not Ning was allowed to keep beer in the apartment, something Tong liked to vehemently argue that 'NO, he was _not_ allowed, keep it out of the fucking fridge!'. Which he was currently doing now.

However, Ning felt so strongly in opposition here he had done something truly disgusting—yet admirable—to prove his point. He _read. _The FU Residential Community guidelines. These guidelines were printed up and posted in the back of every student planner, given out for free at orientation, but to Ning's surprise, these little books actually had room to write assignments and dates and stuff down. Not that _he'd_ ever noticed.

Anyway, Ce watched—annoyed at being ignored—as Ning shoved the planner in Tong's face, and the argument began.

"Why am I being subjected with words at 7:30AM?" Tong demanded.

"Read it, bucko," said Ning smugly, "page 156, Section 2, Housing Policies! First section!"

"I thought you said the second section," said Tong, squinting, "hold it still, will you, I can't read it!"

"Oh." Ning let Tong snatch the planner and waited a few seconds for him to finish reading.

"What about it?" said Tong.

Ning groaned—he had to do all the smart stuff himself, didn't he! "AHEM," he said loudly, causing Tong to jump. "'Residents 21 and older may possess and consume alcohol only within the strict confines of their room or apartment. Residents who are 21 or older may possess and/or consume alcohol _in the presence of their underage roommate_!' IN YOUR FACE!"

"Fucking hell," whined Tong, "well—I don't fucking care! As your _roommate_ you owe me the respect to honor my wishes! And I don't want that shit in here!"

Ning scowled, and flipped back a few pages in the planner again—"SECTION—oh, fuck it, I'll just read it—'Start talking with your roommate from the beginning about guidelines and expectations for communicating and living with each other'! You never said anything about me not having booze when we started living together!"

"So what! I didn't think to bring it up! It didn't say I can't change my mind about living conditions later on!" said Tong, scowling, "and give me that—" he flipped another page back—"OH, LOOK, A SENTENCE YOU FORGOT TO READ! 'No drinking and/or open containers are allowed by anyone when underage guests are present in the student room/apartment'! IN _YOUR_ FACE, Shang Xiang's not legal so if she's at this party you can't have any alcohol!"

"THEN SHANG XIANG MUST BE DESTROYED!" yelled Ning, getting a bit carried away.

"Hey!" said Ce, scowling.

Ning caught himself—"right, screw that," he said. Then his face twisted up in another scowl and he snatched the planner right back, flipping pages so savagely they threatened to rip down the middle—"'EXPECT THAT OTHERS WILL RESPECT YOU AND YOUR PERSONAL BELONGINGS!' I'm a human being, you piece of shit, and I'm not getting any respect!"

"Like _hell_!" shouted Tong, "what about the time I let you use my iPod and you _flushed it down the toilet_!"

"I wanted to see if it would float!" Ning said defensively, "I hear Apple stuff floats! And if you hadn't left that bar of soap on the floor I never woulda slipped and hit the toilet flusher thingy and flushed it!"

"THAT'S NO EXCUSE FOR FLUSHING MY iPOD DOWN THE TOILET! IT EXPLODED AND THE PLUMBER HAD TO SNAKE THE DRAIN! IT KILLED EVERYONE ON OUR FLOOR'S TOILET! PEOPLE STILL TELL ME I NEED TO EAT LESS LAXATIVES!" Tong shouted.

"WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU THREW MY BOOZE OUT THE WINDOW! THAT'S MY PERSONAL PROPERTY AND I CAN HAVE YOU ARRESTED AND THROWN IN A RAPE JAIL FOR THAT!" Ning yelled.

Ce winced. Threats of rape jails were Tong's greatest fear, Ning was kicking low here.

The color drained from Tong's face—"You wouldn't!"

"Try me!" said Ning, smirking, "and you'd be someone's bitch, you _know_ you would!"

"Shut up!" whined Tong.

"Train, every night!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Choo choo! Choo choo in Tongy's poo-poo!"

"SHUT UUUUUUUUUP!"

"I came to see if you guys wanted to go to Justiceapalooza, but I can see you're busy having an episode," said Ce, making a face, "well, whatever, I'll just get Shang Xiang to come with me instead~"

* * *

Shang Xiang was her brother's sister; meaning, if there was going to be free food, she was most definitely going to be there without much coaxing necessary. And so the two Sun siblings (well, two out of three, considering the middle Sun, Quan, had gone elsewhere to college—he wanted to _get an education_, and _make something out of himself_—geek!) waited for the gates to the arena to open.

As expected, about ninety-one percent of the campus had shown up. And it was loud, noisy, chaotic, and someone bumped into Shang Xiang _again_, and she was about to kill someone. _Again._

"Don't kill someone!" begged Ce, trying to restrain her, "sheesh Shang Xiang you're so _violent_!"

"Runs in our family!" said Shang Xiang, frowning, "what the hell is going on, how am I gonna get my free food!"

"I guess we gotta wait until they let us inside," said Ce, scratching his head.

"So why didn't Ning and Tong want to come? Free food is like Ning's middle name," pointed out Shang Xiang.

"Eh, they were busy filming an episode of the Real Housewives of Florida University," said Ce, rolling his eyes.

"It _is_ Wednesday," said Shang Xiang, shaking her head.

"More like a day that ends in 'y'—I wonder when Taylor Swift is getting here!" Ce said excitedly.

"Taylor Swift?" asked Shang Xiang, "what's she got to do with anything?"

"Chao knows her, or something," said Ce, "talked her into coming—lucky bastard!"

"Since when are you a Taylor Swift fan?" Shang Xiang asked curiously. She knew Ning was—bastard had a Taylor Swift poster hidden underneath one of his many Megan Fox ones—but she'd never taken her _brother_ for a fanboy.

"I'm like her biggest fan!" said Ce defensively.

"Since _when_?" asked Shang Xiang.

"Since I looked into her blue eyes and she sang to me about how our song was the slam of screen doors," said Ce dreamily—"and then the damn screen saver came up and ruined the moment. But it was magic, I'm tellin' ya!"

"Does _Da_ know about this magic?" Shang Xiang asked, rolling her eyes.

"She doesn't care, she's a Joe Jonas fangirl," said Ce, rolling his eyes, "I told 'er they were dating and I swear she wanted a foursome, or something."

"Oh, eww, Kevin's so much cuter," said Shang Xiang, wrinkling her nose. "Well, I guess she's not 40-something like Paula Abdul is, right?"

"I guess—hey, finally, the line's moving!" said Ce cheerfully, "let's go let's go!"

* * *

"FELLOW STUDENTS! WE ARE THE FUTURE OF OUR GENERATION!" Chao was shouting into the megaphone, over the deafening cheers of the students surrounding the stage, and the blasting rock music behind him.

"We have to rise up, and take responsibility! Only by working hard and raising the expectations of our age group, will we be successful!" Chao continued shouting.

"Wow," Ce commented. "What's he talking about?"

"I dunno, but he's got a megaphone!" Shang Xiang replied.

"We have been generalized, and dismissed as lazy good-for-nothings by the power-holders of our society!" Chao shouted. With his spiky blonde hair, ridiculously handsome features, sweaty muscular arms, and unbeatable charisma, Chao was definitely born to lead a rebellion.

"We have to stomp out the freeloaders who take advantage of the fruit of our nation's labor! Who are they to breed like rabbits, while we—THE HARDWORKING—have to support their folly! They just sit on their asses watching their government-supplied TiVOs, while WE work our asses off in college to get an education! We don't have to support them! SCREW THEM!" Chao shouted, beginning to lose track of his noble views, and going off on an angry rant.

Yun and Yun Lu exchanged glances. Not their usual 'how I wish I could ditch this and go make out with you but oh shit you don't know I like you' expressions, but instead, another popular 'Oh boy, Chao's lost his mind, are you going to tase him or should I' expression instead.

Luckily for Chao, nobody knew what the hell he was talking about anyway, so once he added in swear words, everyone begun to catch on.

"I think I understand now!" Ce said excitedly, to Shang Xiang. "YEAH! YEAH! WOOHOO!"

"I do too! YEAH!" Shang Xiang cheered. "YEAH!"

Chao looked around, pleasantly surprised. He thought a "stop being lazy and start providing for yourselves, don't expect the government to pay for all your expenses, you lazy motherfuckers" speech wouldn't go over too well with a college audience, but then again, people _were_ sheep. Add the promise of free food, Taylor Swift, and a megaphone to the mix, and mob psychology had a field day.

"There's no justice in working your ass off your whole life, and half your paycheck going to people who refuse to work! IS THERE!" Chao shouted. "I don't get a free check in the mail! DO YOU!"

"NO!" everyone screamed back.

"How many of us are going to receive free benefits from the government! We've got people jumping in front of cars so they can sue the driver and use them as a meal ticket! IS THAT FAIR!"

"NO!" everyone shouted.

"AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT!" Chao bellowed.

"ATTACK SOMETHING!" everyone shouted back, "YEAAAAAAAAH!"

"THAT's how you lead a rebellion!" Chao said triumphantly, turning towards Yun and Yun Lu. "Wouldn't Dad be proud, Yun Lu?"

Yun Lu nodded, her curly blonde hair bouncing as she did. "Uh huh! Chao, you're gonna be a great criminal prosecutor someday!"

Chao beamed. "You know just what to say, Yun Lu—all right, Taylor Swift is supposed to show up in fifteen minutes—go put your sunglasses on and get your dress!"

"Chao, please, don't make me do this?" whined Yun Lu, "Nobody's going to believe I'm Taylor Swift!"

"It's the same thing as when Santa Claus has like three hundred lackeys to dress up like him and appear in public malls, people'll understand," said Chao quickly.

"Or when the president comes to speak at your school and you know he's one of those government-funded androids," Yun added.

Yun Lu groaned. Man it sucked being the only smart one—

"Hey, what's that?" Yun asked, pointing. Chao and Yun Lu turned to see the crowd parting, as Xing Cai and Ping waded through the angry crowds.

"What the hell does that crazy hippie girl want?" Chao growled. "Didn't I specifically say NOT to let them in!"

"Don't worry about it, Chao," said Yun, "They're probably just going to yell at you because your microphone isn't _eco-friendly_—"

"Has all that peroxide bleached your brain, Chao!" Xing Cai shouted, climbing up on Chao's stage, turning towards the crowd.

"What peroxide! This is my natural hair!" Chao shouted. "And if I WAS going to use a peroxide, I'd use the least eco-friendly peroxide available!"

"OOOOOH," everyone yelled.

Xing Cai looked like she was seething. "All the hot air coming from your mouth is causing the hole in the ozone layer, you jerk! Instead of using your stupid rallies and your ridiculous charisma to incite rebellion in people and make them want to act like animals, why don't you use that for something productive!"

"Like _what_, _global warming_?" mocked Chao, "Global warming's a politically-funded myth and we all know it!"

"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" shouted Xing Cai.

"If you're so eco-friendly why're you driving that Ford F-150! Shouldn't you be driving your dinky Prius, or whatever it's called!"

"I don't own a Prius, Daddy said he won't buy me a car that can't run over a grown man!" Xing Cai said angrily, "it's for self-defense purposes!"

"Why don't you just tell the attacker about _global warming_, I'm sure he'll run away screaming for mercy!"

"Or I suppose I could just channel _you_ and tell him about the evils of government corruption!"

"What are you doing here anyway, shouldn't you be at _Whole Foods_!"

"Why don't you shove that microphone up your ass, you big-business supporting—"

Chao grabbed Xing Cai and kissed her. Ping's jaw dropped. Yun and Yun Lu exchanged glances, before sneaking off stage to do god-knows-what.

"Didn't see that coming," Shang Xiang commented.

"Boo! Where's Taylor Swift!" Ce shouted.

"Hey guys," Ning said, coming up behind Ce, "so much for Chao's security, I just got a shitload of free food—"

"That's bull, you're here for Taylor Swift too!" Shang Xiang accused.

Ning made a face. "Don't judge me!" He looked onstage and made a face (Chao had pushed Xing Cai onto the ground and they were making out on the stage floor). "Ew! Can't they do that somewhere else?"

"You're telling me!" Ce complained. "Screw this, Taylor Swift's not coming, is she?"

"So much for brother-sister day," Shang Xiang grumbled.

Ce grinned. "Hey, that doesn't mean we can't do something else! Let's… uh… let's go to Adventure World!" He seized his sister's arm and dragged her off.

"Hey, where do you two think you're going! Get back here!" Ning complained. "Oh fine! Screw you guys!"

He started making his way through the crowd; apparently Chao and Xing Cai's sudden interruption had disrupted the whole rally. Then again it didn't look like anyone had any idea what the rally was about anyway.

"OW! Watch it, kid!" Ning grumbled, grabbing the kid's shoulder. "Hey, I know you! You're that crazy hippie chick's assistant, aren't you?"

Ping promptly burst into tears. "I was!" he howled. "Before she got her head turned by that… that stupid pretty boy right-wing nutcase and forgot I existed!"

Ning groaned. Me and my big mouth. "Get over her! There's other fish in the sea!"

"I can't just forget about her! I've done everything I could to embrace her lifestyle!" Ping wailed. "Do you know how long I've been wearing organic underwear! I can't maintain an erection for longer than three minutes anymore!"

"Well at the rate you're going, that's three minutes longer than you're gonna need," Ning chuckled. Ping's face fell even further.

Ning groaned.

* * *

After a couple long boring days in which nothing worthy of the author/narration's storytelling time and effort occurred, it was finally Saturday, the day of the giant party Ning and Ce were throwing.

After a lot of long, boring pre-party preparations were made—as in, Ning dumped the room-temperature beers (ice was extra) on the kitchen counter, left out a package of red Rolo cups, and sat back to admire his handiwork for a good minute and a half.

"What about food?" asked Ce, tilting his head.

"Pizza rolls," said Ning easily, going through the fridge, and plopping a frozen bag on the counter.

"Shouldn't we… cook them?" Ce questioned.

"Nah, waste of time, they taste alright once they're defrosted," said Ning. "Shit, is that people? Are people here already? Dammit! ALRIGHT ALL OF YOU, HAVE YOUR FIVE DOLLARS AT THE READY!"

"It's just me," whined Shang Xiang, "do I still have to pay!"

"Yes," said Ning, opening the door—"Shang Xiang what the hell are you wearing?"

"What?" asked Shang Xiang, looking down at the halter top and shorts she had on. "I look like how I always do!"

"You don't look anywhere near slutty enough to scare the hell outta Ce," said Ning, shaking his head, "go change!"

"NO!" shouted Ce, shoving Ning out of the way—"maaan, don't you have like a trench coat you can wear!"

"NO," said Shang Xiang, scowling—"where's Tong?"

"Hello, Shang Xiang, welcome inside, make yourself at home, I'm fine, thanks for asking," said Ning, rolling his eyes. "Sarcasm aside I have no idea~"

"He's in his room playing farmer again," said Ce, chuckling. "I bought him that _as a joke_!"

"I thought you bought it for him to apologize for putting the hognose snakes in his bed," said Ning thoughtfully.

"Uh uh, I bought him Kirby 64 to make up for that," said Ce, "and besides, didn't you put those snakes in his bed?"

"Uh uh, I put the anaconda in his—"

"WOULD YOU TWO SHUT UP ALREADY! I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE!" Tong shouted, having already joined the conversation.

* * *

About an hour later, people were already either grumbling about the price of beer, waiting in line for the bathroom, or, in Okuni's case, looking for someone to rebound with. And she had a pretty darn solid idea _who_.

Tong, on the other hand, was _this close_ to digging that rifle his father gave him out from under his bed. He forgot why he hated parties. It wasn't that he hated parties; he liked them just fine when he wasn't living in the apartment that was hosting it. Instead, he was looking for anything that looked stolen (and he'd already barricaded his bedroom door shut and his imported hair products in the bathroom were now padlocked).

"TOOOOONG~" chirped Okuni, skipping up to him, linking her arm with his.

"Oh, god," said Tong, "well, if it isn't the girl who taught me the importance of carrying a _hip flask_!"

"Can I have a word with you?" Okuni asked, batting her eyelashes.

"Sure," said Tong, sighing.

"Wonderful!" said Okuni brightly, beginning to tug him in the direction of his room (all the dorms had the same layout, if you've been in one you've been in all of them).

"WHOAAAAAAA," said Tong, firmly planting his feet on the ground, "we can talk right here, lady!"

"No, I don't believe we can," said Okuni, and dragged him off.

* * *

"Ow," complained Dun.

"You walked into the wall again?" Yuan asked.

Dun scowled and sucker-punched his brother across the face. "No," he growled, "_you_ tripped me, you bastard!"

"I'm not a bastard! Your mother is my mother, you son-of-a-bitch!"

"Well, that'd make _you_ a pretty hefty son-of-a-bitch too, _brother_!"

"FIGHT!" shouted Kunoichi loudly.

"Don't fight!" protested Yukimura weakly, looking quite out of place.

"OI WHO CHANGED THE MUSIC," bellowed Ning, scowling as he stormed back into the living room—

"This music is terrible!" said Chao, scowling as Taylor Swift's typical valley-girl country ballads started playing. "Who likes Journey anymore? What is this, 1985?"

"SPRINGSTEEN, MADONNA, WAITING FOR NIRVANA THERE WAS U2, AND BLONDIE, AND MUSIC STILL ON MTV—I'll stop," said Ce, seeing Da glaring at him.

"Good," said Da, "nobody likes Simple Plan either!"

"That's not Simple Plan, that's Bowling for Soup!" said Ce.

"Keep it up and someone's not getting any _tonight_!" Da hissed.

"Nobody likes Taylor Swift either!" grumbled Ning, "well, alright, she's cute and adorable and her songs make everyone feel all warm'n'fuzzy inside, but this is _my party_ and I like Journey! So shaddap!"

"Booooooo," everyone shouted.

"Don't boo me! My party! My beer!"

"We paid you for it!"

"That sounds like more your problem than it is mine!"

"What the hell are you doing here anyway!" demanded Ning, glaring at Chao.

"Oh, like your porcupine head wasn't tramping around Justiceapalooza!" Chao demanded.

"Porcupine head! Takes one to know one!" Ning squawked, furious.

"My hair does this _naturally_!"

"So does _mine_!"

(If Tong wasn't currently molesting the hell out of Okuni, he probably would've coughed something about the approximate five pounds of hair products (that didn't belong to him, of course) underneath the bathroom sink.)

"Well shut up anyway! My money's just as green as anyone else's!" said Chao firmly, "what are you going to do, throw me out?"

"I _would_, but—ARRGHH!" Ning shook his fists wordlessly and stormed out of the room.

"Cheers!" said Chao, and everyone cheered, rockin' out to Taylor Swift.

* * *

While Ning was attempting damage control outside (and Ce was encouraging the damage in need of controlling), a couple guys in the kitchen were already trying to cause trouble inside.

Well, not cause trouble. More like score with drunk girls at a party.

"Alright, fine," said the second guy, "go and—that chick. Betcha ten bucks you can't get her shirt."

"Ten bucks?" asked the first guy, "well, alright~" He grabbed a cup and tapped Shang Xiang of all people on her shoulder.

"Hello?" said Shang Xiang, tilting her head, "do I know you?"

"No," said the guy, grinning, "but that's a shame, gorgeous, what say we fix that?"

"Ew," said Shang Xiang, making a face, "you can keep your crap pickup lines, I've got a two big brothers and my tougher one's at this very party but I don't need his help to kick your ass!"

The guy groaned. Shang Xiang made a face at the cup he was holding. "What's that, beer? Oh, I get it, jerkoff, you come over here with some shit-tastic pickup line and think you get enough beer in my stomach I'll find some part of you attractive and sleep with you! I don't think so!"

"Fine, fine," said the guy, rolling his eyes, "whatever, I'm sorry for hitting on you!"

"Well, I'm _not_ sorry for hitting you!" said Shang Xiang, scowling.

"You didn't hit me," said the guy, looking confused—and right as Shang Xiang's face split in an evil grin, he groaned—crap.

Shang Xiang punched him in the stomach and scowled at him as he bent over in pain—"jerk!" she huffed, stomping back out to the living room, grabbing a cup off the table. Kickin' douchebag ass made her _thirsty_!

She scowled and set her cup down, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Oh, look who it is," said Ji, making a face, "gross, who let you in here?"

"I could say the same to you, you low-rent bitch!" said Shang Xiang, "my best friends are _throwing_ this party, what the hell are you doing here?"

"You mean that moron with the hair?" asked Ji, looking bored.

"He's not a moron! Well, he is, but only I can call him that," said Shang Xiang defensively—"what are you doing here anyway!"

"Would you be quiet already," sighed Ji, "to be honest, five dollars for as much alcohol as I can handle sounded pretty good. Pi and I had another argument."

"Whoops don't care," said Shang Xiang, rolling her eyes.

"Oh for the love of—can't you see I'm trying to extend the olive branch here?" Ji complained, "I need a woman!"

"Oh, _ew_," said Shang Xiang, her eyes getting rather wide, "uhhh, don't know how to tell you this but I don't swing _that way_!"

"I DIDN'T MEAN LIKE THAT!" squawked Ji, outraged, "I meant—to talk to!"

"Why should I pretend to give two tenths of a crap about your dumb boyfriend dumping you?" demanded Shang Xiang, "I don't care!"

"Oh, everything's just perfect with _you_, isn't it!" demanded Ji, setting down her cup, "you and your dumb boyfriend never fight at all, do you!"

"He's not my boyfriend!" grumbled Shang Xiang, "and we fight all the time!"

"Then you obviously _wish _ he was your boyfriend, it's written all over your face," said Ji, rolling her eyes, picking her cup back up. "You want my advice, stay in it for the sex. Pi and I've never been friends and that's probably why our relationship isn't working out."

"So—you're saying I just have sex with him!" demanded Shang Xiang, "like hell! Maybe if you two had something common other than being mean you'd get along a little better!"

"Maybe," said Ji snootily, "oh, I should've known you'd be no help at all!" She stomped off, bumping past Da Qiao, and taking a sip of her drink—ew, that was weird, didn't taste like beer anymore—well, maybe that meant she was finally drunk. Yay.

"Shang Xiang, have you seen Ce?" Da asked, sighing, "he ran off!"

"No," said Shang Xiang, "but I did see that bitch Ji! Have you seen Tong?"

"I did a little while ago, but he disappeared," Da admitted, "keep your eyes open and I'll do the same?"

"Deal," said Shang Xiang, gulping at her drink, and impulsively spitting it out—all over Da's blouse.

"Shang Xiang!" squawked Da, "what is it!"

"My drink tastes funny!" complained Shang Xiang—"gross!"

"Then throw it away and get another one!" said Da, rolling her eyes, "don't spit it all over _me_! What am I supposed to wear!"

Shang Xiang looked as three girls ran by dressed in nothing but their bras and short little skirts, predictably being chased by Magoichi. "Ladies, come baaaack!" he was calling.

"Dry off with a paper towel?" she suggested.

"Arrgh," said Da, "if I didn't love you like my sister I'd kill you for this!"

"Sorrrrry," said Shang Xiang, "at least it's not a white shirt?"

Da made a face. "I'm going to go look for Ce again," she sighed, "oh, I hope he's not on the roof!"

"See ya," said Shang Xiang, taking another gulp from her drink—hey, actually, it wasn't so bad. She remembered Ce told her something—something about not drinking out of the Rolos? Whatever those were. This was a _cup_. Was Rolos Spanish for cans, maybe? Well, whatever~

Actually, this was really good! She drained her cup and wandered back into the kitchen for another—yay, there was a lot more! She grabbed another cup, draining it in a moment and crushing the cup in her hand—oooh, there was a name on the cup! Ro-lo… Who's Rolo and why does he have his name on the cups?

She shrugged and dropped the cup in the trash, reaching for another cup. Rolo, serves you right for not being here to defend your cups in person!

* * *

"OKUNI," said Tong for the hundredth time, "get off!"

"No!" said Okuni, smirking down predatorily at him, from where she had him tied to his bed frame—"why can't we recapture what we once had, Tong? You're so much gentler, kinder than Keiji is—"

"Because we never had anything! You raped me!" whined Tong, struggling.

"It wasn't _rape_!" said Okuni, looking horrified, "it was surprise sex you didn't know you wanted, Tong, and you certainly _enjoyed _it~"

"I'm not going to have sex with you! No way! Because if I do the minute you get back together with Keiji—and don't give me that look you and I both know you'll be back on in a week!—you're gonna rat me out and he's going to bluster his way over here and I'm gonna have to kick his badly quaffed ass back to his dorm where he belongs!" Tong said furiously, squirming about, his squirming not doing much to change Okuni's mind. Sadly she _liked_ it when her captives struggled~

"Tong, are you familiar with the mating habits of the preying mantis?" asked Okuni sweetly, her hands pushing his shirt up and her fingers tracing his chest muscles.

"Yeah, don't they, like, lay their eggs upside down, or something?" Tong asked, squirming still, "and can you not do that, I'm ticklish!"

"No," said Okuni, sighing—"well, no to the incorrect fact of nature and no to touching you~ the preying mantis is one of several types of living organisms that, after copulation, devours the heads of their mates!"

"Thanks for the _National Geographic_ side tip," grumbled Tong, "what's this got to do with _me_, exactly?"

Okuni sighed—for someone with both a brain and sexual experience, Tong really was quite dim—"tell Keiji and I will channel my inner preying mantis," she told Tong simply, "Tong, I don't understand your resistance, I can quite obviously tell you _want_ to have sex with me~"

She smiled, brightly, having a sudden genius idea. She dropped the handcuff key down between her breasts. "If you can get the key, you're free~" she told him.

Tong stared at Okuni's breasts—the only way he could think to get that key out was quite simply shoving his face into her bosoms and extracting the key himself—well, all's fair in love and war, he figured, and shoved his face between her breasts.

"Ohhhh, TONG," moaned Okuni loudly, and Tong turned a bright shade of fuchsia matching Okuni's lingerie—key, key, key—oh, _god_—he could reach it if he burrowed a bit further, maybe—

"TOOOOOOONG," moaned Okuni, writhing around on top of him, obviously exaggerating a bit—at best, he was motor boating her—and yeah, actually, this wasn't bad—no! Dammit, Tong, get the fucking key and free yourself!

"Got it," he said, his voice muffled.

Okuni stopped moaning in exaggerated porn-star style long enough to sigh. "Really?" she whined, "and to think I just won't be happy until you throw me down and have your way with me~"

"Uncuff me," Tong ordered, and Okuni sighed, before unbuttoning her blouse and leaning over him to uncuff him, still straddling his hips. Tong groaned as he got a face full of her boobs again—oh, fuck it. Quite literally, actually.

He waited until the cuffs were _off_, and rubbed his wrists for a moment long enough for Okuni to sit back—and he tackled her.

"I knew you'd come around!" she said cheerfully, before tangling her fingers in his hair and kissing him.

* * *

"There you are!" said Shang Xiang excitedly, skipping over to the guy from before—he recognized her immediately and groaned.

"What do you want," he asked, making a face.

"What _don't_ I want?" asked Shang Xiang brightly, "I look good, I feel good and I'm wearing a smile that says 'Shang Xiang, you're a _winner_'!" She grinned.

Actually, her smile said 'I look good, I feel good, and I'm drunk off my ass', but that sadly made her an easy target for this creep. Ahem.

"Oh, so you're name's Shang Xiang?" asked the guy, grinning over her head at his buddy—yup, eight bucks in the house—"my name's Steve~"

"That's a silly name!" said Shang Xiang, giggling, "I like my name better~"

"I do too," said Steve, trying not to roll his eyes—"so, you like dancing?"

"I love dancing!" said Shang Xiang, "but we can skip through all the boring stuff, if you want~" She waggled her eyebrows.

Steve's eyes got very wide—sweet, he was getting _laid_ too! Best eight bucks he ever made—"Well, if you say so," he said, leering, and stepped closer, pulling her in and kissing her—

"EW!" shrieked Shang Xiang, shoving him off her, "gross, I never said you could _kiss_ me! YUCK!"

Steve blinked a few times in disbelief—"then what the fuck was with that—'skip through all the boring stuff'!" he demanded.

"I meant have a sensible intelligent conversation, you _dolt_, who cares if I like dancing or not? You jerk!" said Shang Xiang angrily, "I didn't mean come over here and put your slimy tongue down my throat!"

"I BARELY EVEN KISSED YOU!" said Steve, outraged.

"I don't care what you did! There's only one guy in this entire world who's allowed to kiss me and he's somewhere at this party and I can't find him anywhere!" whined Shang Xiang, "have you seen him? His name's Tong!"

"No, I haven't," said Steve, rolling his eyes—"can I go now?"

"Oh, I get it, I'm good enough for you to eyefuck and basically grope right in my best friends' kitchen but when I _talk_ to you it's like a roaring buzzing sound in your ears! Thanks a lot, jerkazoid!" huffed Shang Xiang, crossing her arms over her chest, "sheesh!"

GREAT, she was the same _drunk_ as she was sober, Steve thought with a groan, "fine, fine," he said, "peace offering, then?" He held out the Coke he hadn't opened yet.

"GIVE!" said Shang Xiang greedily, grabbing it, before eying it suspiciously—"hey, this isn't spiked, is it!"

"It's _closed_," said Steve dryly, and thought quickly—"hey, I'll trade you another Coke for your shirt~"

"Okay!" said Shang Xiang, untying the straps of her halter top and pulling it over her head, giggling a bit—"wooooo! Is it hot in here or is it just _me_!"

"It's you," answered Steve, a bit fixated on her breasts as he grinned over her head at his buddy—sweeeeeeeet~

"What was I saying? Oh, right, I've heard about bartenders spiking drinks before when the guy pays enough money—creeps, the only guys who use date rape shit are the guys who can't get laid at all 'cause they're ugly or something! I almost date raped Tong, once, I was about to, he was all unconscious and everything but I figured it wasn't morally right so I just let him sleep~" Shang Xiang took a gulp from her coke. "This is good~"

Steve decided to inch away very slowly, in hopes she wouldn't see him going. Pi, on the other hand, was watching the whole thing and trying not to roll his eyes _too_ much. At the loudmouth's remark about getting eyefucked, he did have to admit—hey, sleeping with his _sister_ would be a great way to piss off that idiot Sun, not to mention she did have a pretty good body for a _Sun_—

"Shang Xiang," said Pi, sliding over towards her, "have a bit too much to drink, I assume?"

"Eww, first I have to deal with your crackwhore girlfriend and now _you_!" demanded Shang Xiang (Steve taking advantage of her distraction to escape).

"Hey, where are you going! Can't you see I'm trying to have an intelligent conversation with this guy! Go away! STEVE, COME BACK!" Shang Xiang shoved past Pi, chasing after Steve, and Pi grabbed her arm.

"Don't go," he said, "stay here, with me~"

"Ew," said Shang Xiang, making a face, "I think I'd rather bone Steve!"

Steve's eyebrows shot up—_no, no, no, run away! Not worth it!_

"Back off bucko or I'm gonna open a can of Sun Family whoopass on your dumb ass," Shang Xiang threatened, tugging at her arm—"eww, stop looking at me like that!"

"I'll look at you as I please," said Pi swiftly, "after all, your choice of attire doesn't give me much reason to look elsewhere~"

"Eww, don't be gross!" whined Shang Xiang, covering her chest with her arm—"and what do you want, isn't your girlfriend going to freak out?"

"She doesn't care," said Pi dismissively, "not since she got her head turned by some dark-haired pretty boy outside, at least—

* * *

"You're so _handsome_," cooed Ji, running her fingers down Yun's chest, brushing her nose against his, "_so_ much more attractive than that loser ex-boyfriend I ever had~"

"Wah?" Yun offered as a rebuttal, wide-eyed, blushing and nervous as he always got around pretty girls intent on having their way with him.

"Now the question is, my dorm or _yours_?" Ji continued, and right before Yun could reply—

"GET AWAY FROM HIM, YOU DIRTY WHORE!" shouted a girl voice, and Ji looked up just in time to see a size 6 platform sandal clock her in the face.

"ARRGH!" Ji gasped, staggering backwards (tottering a bit on her own platform heels), "y—arrgghhh!"

"Yun Lu!" said Yun, brightening.

Yun Lu shook her blonde hair from her face long enough to set her green eyes in a growl—"I'm a juggernaut of justice just like my big brother! And he's too busy making out with whatserface now so I have to pick up his slack!" she shouted, brandishing her perfectly manicured fist at Ji, her bracelets jingling, "now you either fight _me_ in the name of justice or prepare to be destroyed!"

Sure, Yun Lu was a true advocate for justice, but hey, that chick had her hands all over Yun and _that_ just wasn't going to happen. If she had to endure painfully awkward sexual tension with Yun so did everyone, dammit!

…wait, that came out wrong—POW.

"OW!" Yun Lu shouted, her mental monologue of justice interrupted by Ji punching her in the face and then hauling ass, "THERE'S NO JUSTICE IN RETREATING!"

"Oh, shut the hell up!" Ji shouted.

"Are you alright!" Yun asked immediately, crossing over to Yun Lu and tilting her face up—"Yun Lu, you're not hurt, are you?"

"I'm fine," Yun Lu managed, aware her cheeks were bright red—Yun was holding her jaw and tilting her face up to check for any nosebleeds, obviously, but—_yow_ he was close, and—

"Y-Yun?" she asked, softly—"am… am I gonna live?"

Yun was oddly quiet for a moment, and Yun Lu soon realized _why_—he leaned down, and kissed her. And right as Yun Lu's face turned back to the shade it was originally, and she grabbed a fistful of his shirt to kiss him back, Yun pulled back.

"What?" Yun Lu asked, brushing some of her wavy blonde hair from her eyes. "Yun, what is it?"

Yun took a step back, almost looking horrified—Yun Lu barely had her mouth open to ask 'WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU'—that look of part horror, part nausea was _not_ a look one wants to see on the face of the guy they just made out with, after all—before Yun turned.

And ran.

No, not ran, _sprinted_.

And it wasn't sprinting like you're about to win the grand prize, it was sprinting because that giant man with spikes growing out of his head is out for your virgin blood sprinting.

In other words, there was nowhere Zhao Yun would've rather been than standing out here kissing Ma Yun Lu.

Shit.

Yun Lu rapped her knuckles on her forehead. Well, hey, _she_ didn't do anything, stupid Yun kissed _her_.

She had two options, here; one, go back to her dorm room and cry, cry, cry, or two, throw her honor and morals out the window and go get drunk and make out with some jerk until she felt better.

Booze, here I come.

* * *

Yes, I like drunk Sun Shang Xiang better than I like sober Sun Shang Xiang. XD

(1) Uh, I made that URL up, but, uh, I would not doubt its existence.

(2) In Harvest Moon 64, the buyer (exactly as it sounds) comes to your farm to pay you for all the crops/animal products/random sellable stuff you've put in your shipping bin. He comes without fail at 5:00PM, rain or shine. Whatever you put in the shipping bin from 5:01PM after goes to the payment for the next day. And this is the only way you can make money in the game, aside from selling your animals (which you can't do on a festival day anyway). The Flower Festival is a festival where you can purchase flower seeds for your farm. And Tong is _pissed_ that he has to wait a whole nother year for his Pink Cat Mint seeds. :D

(3) I was going to replace Taylor with Carrie (Underwood), but I figured Taylor's got songs that are easier to make fun of. "Our song is the slam of screen doors"? What the heck does that even mean? XD And _no, _this is NOT a sympathy to Taylor after the VMAs thing—sure Kanye's a jackass but I had this whole section planned out months in advance. Actually, I had that written before I even decided to publish this story. XD SO THERE!

And holy crap, I think is the longest chapter I've written for this story so far. Makes up for the lackluster Chapter 7, methinks. And if it doesn't, feel free to drop me a review telling me what you thought of the chapter and/or what you think I should do! (Note: I might not/probably won't use your suggestion, but you never know! ;D)

See ya for Chapter 8!


	8. Surprise Sex You Didn't Know You Wanted!

Gosh, thanks for reading my story and telling me how much you like it, guys! Really, I appreciate it; I write a chapter and you guys like it so much you take two seconds out of your busy busy busy lives to tell me what you thought of it. Golly gee, I almost don't know what to say!

/sarcasm

200 views of Chapter 7, 1 review. Thanks Silent Ninja, you rock, dude :D

* * *

The narration last left off with the tale of Pi being all up in Shang Xiang's grill, Ji being all up in Yun's grill until Yun Lu got all up in her grill, and then when Yun and Yun Lu got their groove thang on yo, Yun suddenly bolted into the night and left a pissy Yun Lu behind. But since the narration knows everyone _read_ the chapter, just didn't _review_ it, the recap ends here.

And here comes one of the main protagonists to—oh, look, he's just spotted Pi, and—oh, he looks _pissed the fuck off_, and—yow, there's gonna be some PAIN!

POW.

Pi stumbled, hitting the table and knocking over some cups, Shang Xiang still circled in his arms—he scowled up at his assaulter, who turned out to be—

"Hi Tong!" said Shang Xiang brightly.

"Get offa her," said Tong angrily, grabbing her hands and jerking her out of Pi's arms and pushing her behind him, "where the hell do you get off, you son-of-a—"

"Save it," said Pi, looking bored again, getting up, "not worth the effort." He left the kitchen, ignoring all the strange looks he was getting (not because of the Shang Xiang thing, his cheek was starting to purple. Tong hit pretty hard when he was pissed).

"Tongyyyy!" Shang Xiang cheered, "you sure showed that jerk, but I was gonna finish him off, way to let him get away!"

Tong turned around to closely examine every inch of her and make sure that douche Pi hadn't hurt her—and his eyes got very wide. Uhh. He was more staring at what the hell she was _wearing_—or rather, what she _wasn't_ wearing. Her white shorts were still in place, thank GOD, but that skin-color bra she was wearing was, uh— He glared at a few gawking guys and grabbed her shoulders.

"Shang Xiang!" he said, his voice low, "_what are you_—"

Shang Xiang didn't let him finish, leaping into his arms excitedly. "Why's the room spinning?" she asked, latching onto his neck, "I can't stand up!" Tong caught her, barely, sliding his arm under her knees with his other behind her back.

"Where's your shirt!" he hissed, not seeing Shang Xiang's top where it belonged—on her torso—and not seeing it anywhere in the room either.

"I traded it for a Coke!" she told him, her green eyes dancing, "I'm having so much fuuuuuun~" she kicked her legs excitedly, bouncing up and down in his arms. "Well except for that jerk who tried to kiss me, that was just gross~"

"WHAT!" Tong demanded, "who was he!"

"I dunno," said Shang Xiang, looking confused, "I forgot his name—well, I hit him really hard, so it's okay!"

Tong pulled his eyes away from her bouncing rack with some difficulty and looked around the room furiously. "Didn't I _tell_ you not to drink anything if you didn't know where it came from!" he hissed, furiously, "dammit Shang Xiang!"

"Whaaaaaat?" Shang Xiang pouted, her lower lip trembling, "was I bad? And why are there two of you, Tong?"

Tong sighed—she probably didn't _know_ any better, sadly—"c'mon," he said, shaking his head, hefting her up further in his arms, "_bed time_—"

"Wheeeeee!" cheered Shang Xiang, "bye everyoooooooooone!"

"Bye," said some guy with his eyes glued on her chest. Tong glared at him and he continued staring, unperturbed.

"It's not called 'getting lucky' if you have to carry her," Magoichi drawled from nearby. Tong glared at him.

"She's my best friend! We're not doing anything!" he shot back.

"Nothing we haven't done _befor_e~" Shang Xiang sang, "bye bye Mago!"

"Now what did she mean by _that_, I wonder?" Magoichi asked, smirking at Tong, "see you around, pretty lady~"

Tong opened the door to his room—okay, he was _pretty damn sure_ he locked the door—and groaned, seeing the two strangers making out on his bed.

"Get out," he said.

They pouted, but left.

Tong shut the door, locked it, and wheeled his desk chair underneath it, balancing Shang Xiang in one arm (she was latched onto his neck anyway). Never worked in the horror movies, but it was worth a shot. He was trying to prevent drunk college students from breaking in, not zombies. And in any sci-fi flick, the college kids beat the zombies.

Or something.

"Party tiiiiiiiiiime~" Shang Xiang cheered.

"You've had enough _party time_," Tong said sharply, dropping her on his bed, "dammit Shang Xiang, what the hell were you _thinking_!"

Shang Xiang pouted. Tong groaned, remembering she was wasted and didn't know anything—and sat down next to her. "I'm not mad," he said, patting her hand, "I'm just glad you're okay. Okay? You're a pretty girl and you're drunk. Jerks take advantage of wasted pretty girls at parties."

"You think I'm pretty?" Shang Xiang brightened.

Tong groaned. Of course that's all she hears—"well, yeah," he said honestly—she was drunk, she wouldn't remember any of this—"why, you thought I thought otherwise?"

"You just never _told_ me," Shang Xiang said, wiggling about on the bed, Tong taking great care to LOOK ONLY AT HER FACE, DAMMIT.

"Who'd you, uh, give your shirt to?" Tong asked, "I'll see if I can get it back—"

"Well I don't know who he was," said Shang Xiang, tilting her head back and forth to the blasting music outside, "but that's okaaaaaaay, I don't care!" She smiled brightly.

"How much did you drink!" he squawked, "Shang Xiang, didn't we tell you _not_ to go crazy! Those guys out there are perverts, they'd—do stuff to you!"

"Like what?" Shang Xiang asked guilelessly.

"Like—I don't want to say it," he said flatly, "do bad stuff. That Ning, Ce and I would have to kill someone for doing. That illustrate it for you?"

"No," said Shang Xiang, "but we can just have a party in here! What are we gonna do now?"

"Sit here and wait for everyone to leave?" Tong guessed.

"I know something more fun~" sang Shang Xiang, "bet you can't guess~"

"I hate guessing games," said Tong, "what?"

Shang Xiang beamed and flung her arms around his neck. Tong had about a second to react before she was kissing him.

He pulled back almost immediately—not because he was repulsed, or anything, but—"Shang Xiang!"

Shang Xiang blinked guilelessly. "What!" she whined, "if that's not a party I don't know what is!"

Tong had had quite enough molestation for one day, and shook his head. "I don't think so," he said, "here's a better idea, you sit there and watch me play Harvest Moon?"

"No way!" whined Shang Xiang, and tackled him to kiss him again. Tong managed to force her back with all the honor and dignity he had—BEST FRIEND, BEST FRIEND, _DRUNK_ BEST FRIEND WITH BLOODTHIRSTY OLDER BROTHER(S, BUT QUAN WASN'T AROUND SO HE DIDN'T COUNT! AND HE COULD TOTALLY KICK QUAN'S ASS ANYWAY! OR SO HE THOUGHT! BUT PERHAPS THE ADDED FURY OF ATTACKING HIS SISTER'S MOLESTER WOULD GIVE QUAN THE POWER BOOST NECESSARY TO TIP THE SCALES SO HE COULD KICK TONG'S ASS! AND—OH, FUCKING HELL!)!—and frowned.

"I told you to cut it out," he said, grabbing his blanket threateningly, "don't make me tie you up!"

"You wouldn't!" said Shang Xiang, sticking her tongue out at him.

* * *

"WHO THE HELL PICKED THIS DAMN SONG!" shouted Ning, enraged at the Numa Numa song playing (1)—and sure as shit, Ce was in the living room, leading everyone in the Numa Numa dance, pumping their fists in the air in unison to the catchy techno music.

"CE!" Ning yelled.

"What?" asked Ce cheerfully, "do it, Ning, it's fun!"

"It is not! It's ridiculous!" complained Ning, as the crowd linked off in threes, chorus line kicking in tune to the music.

* * *

Tong tried to avoid the mental urges to bash the atomic purple Nintendo 64 controller against his face. "SHANG XIANG," he said loudly.

Shang Xiang, on the other hand, was more focused on singing along to the Numa Numa song—mangling the Romanian language, of course.

"MAYAHI, MAYAHOO, MAYAHAA, MAYAHAHA!" she was singing, repeatedly, and Tong had never wanted TO KILL HER so intensely in his life. ARGH.

"SHANG XIANG _SHUT UP_!" Tong begged, but she just made a face at him and kept singing.

"GRES LA BLESCA NUMA NUMA YAY, NUMA NUMA YAY, NUMA NUMA NUMA YAY! KEE KO DA SHE DRAGOSTEA DIN TEI, NA COO BLESCH DA ONN KE TAAAAAAYEAAAY!"

Tong gritted his teeth and set to ignoring her. Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes! He was an idiot for planting more potatoes than he could water, especially so close to the end of Spring, but—arrgggghhhhhh Shang Xiang!

"I'll stop singing if you untie me," said Shang Xiang, struggling to untie herself—Tong hadn't had any industrial-grade rope nearby to tie her up with (or any duct tape for her _mouth_), so instead he just wrapped his blanket around her as many times as it would go and used a belt to keep her locked up. She could move, she just couldn't _grope_, and that was all Tong was concerned about at the moment.

"Sing as much as you want," Tong informed her. Shang Xiang pouted at him before bursting into song again.

* * *

Da scowled, watching Ce lead everyone in the Numa Numa dance. _Ce_, so _embarrassing_—she noticed a little medicine bottle nearby and tilted her head curiously—'_Forget-Me-Nots'_, the hand-made label read, 'Property of Okuni, if you can read this return me to my owner at once!'.

Da blinked a few times. Forget-Me-Nots? Like—like a memory loss pill? She brightened, and opened the bottle—

"Da, what the hell are you doing with _roofies_?" asked Ning, looking at her strangely.

"WHAT!" Da gasped, staring—"they're _roofies_!"

"Yeah," said Ning, "rape bait, in other words, Tong's so afraid of 'em he can spot them a mile away and I guess it rubbed off on me? What the heck're you doin' with 'em?"

"I found them," said Da innocently.

"Uh huh," said Ning suspiciously, "what, Ce not givin' you any, or something?"

"Absolutely not!" said Da—"well, I mean, he _is _giving me some—oh, he's being annoying!" She lowered her voice—"I even told him he could touch my breasts if he behaved himself, but nooooo, he wanted to go _under the bra_ or no deal! Hmph!"

"Oooookay," said Ning, making a face—"hey, is that Chao's sister? I'll go make out with her'n piss 'im off—hey, blondie!"

Da made a face at his retreating back—stupid Ning! No respect for a lady—

The roofies in her hand seemed to be singing a song of evil, aninspirational song of evil, at that. A big, evil smirk crossed her face.

* * *

"Tong?" asked Shang Xiang, her voice sounding so meek and soft Tong was almost sure she'd been possessed by aliens.

"What," he asked, still paying attention to his potatoes. Last day of Spring, if he didn't get these damn potatoes in the shipping crate—actually, if he didn't get these potatoes _picked_ by 5AM he'd lose them, Spring crops _wilted_ in the Summer!

"What's that?" asked Shang Xiang, poking at something with the toe of her sneaker, although her tone sounded like she very much knew what it was. Tong looked at what she was poking at and a mental frying pan fell from the sky and hit him over the head.

Stupid Okuni left her freaking panties in here! "Uhh," he said, after a minute, "those two making out in here earlier? They probably left it behind."

"_Property of Okuni, if you can read this return me to my owner at once, but if you're attractive you can leave them on the floor_," Shang Xiang read.

Tong had urges to literally facepalm often, and usually fought them down (can't leave a mark on his pretty face, after all ;D). This was not one of these times. He facepalmed.

"Eww," whined Shang Xiang, "you—_gross_!"

"She kidnapped and date raped me!" said Tong firmly, "I am a _victim_!"

"You don't look traumatized or drugged to _me_," Shang Xiang scowled, "looks like you just rolled off her and went about your day!"

"I don't have to explain myself to you, you're not my mother," Tong scowled right back, and went back to ignoring her for his potatoes.

Shang Xiang pouted and folded her arms. "So you'll sleep with her but you won't sleep with _me_!"

"She's not my drunk best friend!" said Tong firmly.

"Would you just untie me already! Ce can bring me home!" said Shang Xiang miserably.

"Alright," said Tong, reluctantly, and got up to go untie her. He pulled the belt off, unwrapped her, and no sooner did he toss the blanket back on his bed did he find himself flat on his back with Shang Xiang on top of him.

"THIS IS THE SECOND TIME TODAY I'VE BEEN NEARLY DATE RAPED," Tong whined loudly.

"Shut up," said Shang Xiang, scowling, straddling his hips, "you dumb jerk, you think she's so great and I'm not! I'll show you what you're missing, then!"

"At least let me hit the start button please Shang Xiang in-game time it's almost 3AM I have like half my field left to pick and I'm going to lose those potatoes POTATOES DO NOT FARE WELL IN THE SUMMER, SHANG XIANG, PLEASE," Tong wailed, "I've already gotten my turnips screwed over, not the potatoes too!"

"We can play farmer after we're done playing _doctor_," Shang Xiang told him, smirking, grinding her hips against his, and Tong squeezed his eyes shut—_stupid_ _hormones_, not letting him push her off him!

"What the hell is it with you!" Shang Xiang said angrily, sitting up again, and Tong whimpered—angry Shang Xiang was worse than horny Shang Xiang—"you're _gay_, aren't you!"

"I AM NOT!" said Tong, outraged.

"Well then what the hell do I have to do to make you _want_ to have sex with me! Look at me! I'm not the skinny little kid I used to be, _Tong_, I'm gorgeous and I've got a great rack and I'm your best friend! I'm throwing myself at you and you're too—too freaking _moral_ to do anything about it! There is nothing wrong with people fucking, you moron!" Shang Xiang shouted.

Tong stared at her, before finally pulling her close and kissing her. She seemed surprised, but he was persistent, and she was kissing him back, her fingers in his hair. He leaned back on his bed, letting her fall down on top of him again, and her lips parted to let his tongue in, and she straddled his hips and kissed him more, and—

Dammit, guilty feelings were back. Dammit. ARGH. "Mmmph," he said, squirming enough that she pulled back. "Shang, we shouldn't be—doing this—"

"Oh, here we go again—why not!" Shang Xiang whined, pouting.

"Because—you're drunk, you're—uhh—in your bra—"

Shang Xiang blinked a few times. "_That's_ the problem?" she asked curiously, "Toooong, why didn't you say so?"

Before Tong could say much of anything, she sat up and started fumbling with the back of her bra—by the time he figured out what she was doing (for a guy who'd slept with girls before, one would _think _he'd know what she was doing, but Tong was also _an idiot_) she tossed her bra in the corner and leaned down to kiss him again.

Okay, on the bad idea scale, this one ranked a perfect ten—well, he'd fought the good fight for long enough, he figured. He shoved his hands underneath his ass to _make sure they'd behave_, and resolved himself to just kiss her until she let off— (he could hear the Summer BGM playing from the TV, but his potatoes were now the last thing on his mind~)

Shang Xiang's hands were pushing his shirt up, her hands all over his chest, tracing his muscles and—

"Ooh, what's _that_?" Shang Xiang giggled, rocking her hips where she was sitting, Tong groaning and arching his back—"special friend~!"

"Not really," Tong managed, squirming pathetically, "c'mon, Shang Xiang—quit it!"

"But I'm having fun! And you are too!" said Shang Xiang, bouncing on his erection quite obviously, "let's have _more_ fun~"

She scooted down a bit, seated on his knees now, and began pulling at his belt and undoing his pants, her fingers pulling his zipper pull down and—

Alright, time to get off this crazy train—Tong sat up abruptly, grabbed her hands, and rolled her off him. "Cut it out," he said, his breathing heavy—"dammit Shang Xiang!"

"_Why_!" Shang Xiang pouted, "I wanna do it, s'not like I'm scared or something!"

"Because," he said, "because—because it's a shitty thing to do with you all drunk and I don't do shit like this with drunk girls, especially not _you_. Doesn't feel right."

Shang Xiang sighed and sat back, folding her arms over her chest (doing rather interesting things to her anatomy, which Tong noticed and immediately forced himself to ignore).

Tong sat up, his hand moving to his hair. He glanced over at her. Well, shit. She looked like she was going to cry.

"Hey," he said, tugging her towards him, "what is it, Shang Xiang? Don't cry, c'mon—"

"I'm not," Shang Xiang sniffled, "you just don't like me!"

"That's not true and you know it," Tong said firmly.

"So I'm good enough to be your friend but you won't screw me," Shang Xiang grumbled, pouting.

"If—if you weren't drunk, then yeah, maybe," he said, "look, last time you were totally sober, it was a mutual consent thing! You're drunk and you don't know what you're sayin' and I'm not about to do something that _you_ might not be alright with! Alright? Drop it!"

"But I'm not lying," whined Shang Xiang, "I like you, Tong, _a lot_, everyone knows, you're just dense or oblivious or maybe both or maybe you can tell and you just don't want me to like you so you pretend I don't and you ignore me!"

"Would you—c'mon, Shang Xiang, look at me." He turned her face towards his. "You're not thinking like you normally are. If you were sober that'd be a completely different thing—but you're not, and I'm not having sex with you until I know it's you in there."

"And… maybe I do like you, more than I want to admit, at least," he admitted, "you're—well, you're my best friend, Shang Xiang, I don't—wanna make it so we can be friends anymore, y'know?"

"But what if we don't, and we're together forever?" Shang Xiang pouted.

Tong sighed—drunk as she was, she did make a good point—"being your friend forever isn't something I'm about to risk at the moment," he answered firmly, grabbing his comforter and tossing it over her and those distracting breasts of hers, "especially because you're drunk and you want to have sex. Alright?"

Shang Xiang was still pouting, but seemed a bit pacified. "Okay," she said, and poked him—"but you better not tell anyone!"

"Got it," Tong said, chuckling (he could live the rest of his life without Ce knowing this conversation took place, definitely). "All right, I don't trust you to walk back to your dorm alone and I'm certainly not about to, looks like you're staying here."

"Yay," said Shang Xiang, beaming, "okay, good night~"

Tong had a sudden mental image of the splatter he'd be on the wall come tomorrow morning if Ce were to do his usual burst-in and catch them in bed together. "Not so fast," he said, "you're staying here, but you're _not_ sleeping in the buff, woman, I'll find you something to wear!"

Sun Shang Xiang pouted, looking affronted. "But I like being naked!" she whined.

"Too bad," answered Tong, digging through the pile of laundry he had on his chair—"you want pants or shorts?"

"Shooooorts," sang Shang Xiang, and was greeted by a pair of (clean) boxer shorts hitting her in the face.

Tong actually had to _look_ for a clean shirt, finally finding some old track t-shirt from high school—"here," he said, tossing it to her. Shang Xiang had the boxers on her _head_. He groaned. "Dammit, Shang Xiang, how drunk are you!"

"This druuuuuunk," Shang Xiang giggled, pushing her breasts together.

Tong felt himself blushing—_dammit_. "Come here," he said firmly, grabbing her wrists and tugging her hands away from her breasts—keeping his eyes _on her face_, of course—"sheesh, you're like a two-year-old, I can't believe I have to freaking dress you—put your arms up!"

"I don't waaaanna," Shang Xiang whined. Tong ignored her and forcing her arms through the sleeves anyway.

"I'm stronger than you," he reminded her. He pulled the shirt back down over her head and groaned—he had muscles, definitely, but he was lean compared to Ning and Ce's bulky chests—the stupid traitorous shirt was still hugging her breasts, but whatever. He pushed her back onto the bed and tugged her hips up.

"Ooooh, Toooongyyyy~" Shang Xiang giggled, grinning at him—Tong blushed even more—_dammit_, drunk Shang Xiang was hot!

"Don't get any ideas," he said, firmly pulling off the white shorts she was wearing, "I'm just getting you into something more comfortable, you drunk little—" Instead of finishing his sentence, he pulled his boxers up her hips and lightly snapped the waistband, and pulled her sneakers off.

"There you go," he said, wiggling out of his own cargo shorts and tossing them over his shoulder, "now go to sleep!"

"Okaaay," said Shang Xiang, reaching for the blanket and pulling it over them both, "night, Tongy~"

"Night," said Tong, "…don't call me Tongy!"

"Too late, already did~"

Tong groaned. She wasn't tired at all, was she?

* * *

The morning came, much quicker than Ning or Ce would prefer; not only were they _both_ going to have one wicked hangover in the morning, but they were currently snuggled up in Ning's bed (both of them under the impression they were cuddled up with a _girl_) and unaware of the alarm Da had set to go off in five…

Four…

Three…

Two…

One…

BEEP BEEP BEEP! The alarm went off, and Ning (who could sleep through Tong shouting at him, Tong throwing a pillow at him, some girl he slept with shrieking about how her boyfriend was going to kill him, the Glee club's performances out in the courtyard, the tuba club's performances, an earthquake, a tornado, and probably the apocalypse, were it to happen while Ning was asleep, but could _not_ sleep through a blaring alarm) squawked and thrashed out of bed, looking panicked, his brown hair defying gravity as usual—

"Sfjhskjhdskjh!" he managed, looking around, and—all he saw was a mass of messy brown hair underneath the blanket (Ce liked to sleep with the blankets over his head) and grinned.

_Sweet_, he got lucky last night—strange thing to see a _brunette_ in his bed, though, he thought he'd made a blondes-only agreement with himself last night—he pulled back the blankets to see the lucky lady who he'd fucked in his drunken euphoria and promptly screamed bloody murder, seeing freaking Ce of all people in his bed.

And then he screamed more bloody murder when he realized neither of them _had any clothes on_.

(Da also had a wicked sense of humor; dropping her drunk roofied boyfriend in bed with one of his also drunk and also roofied best friends didn't seem like enough retribution for embarrassing her with his drunken antics last night, so she'd taken it upon herself to dispose of Ce's (and Ning's) clothes.)

"CE!" he bellowed, "wake up!" Oh, shitshitshit, he'd never slept with a _guy_ before—oh, crap, was he just imagining things or was his ass really—

"CE!" he shouted, "GET UP!"

"Whaaaaaaat," Ce whined, his eyes fluttering open a bit, "g'back to sleeep, Ning!" He nuzzled his face in the pillow.

"Dammit, Ce!" Ning squawked, banging his fists on the bed, "get _up_, you stupid ass!"

"Don't knock it 'til you try it," Ce said sleepily.

"I think I already _did_!" Ning shot back.

That seemed to fly over Ce's head. Then his eyes bulged out of his head and he sat up—"what are you—why are you naked?" he asked Ning.

"Why are _you_ naked!" Ning demanded.

Ce looked down and holy shit he was naked—"WHY ARE WE NAKED!" he shouted, terrified, grabbing the blanket and pulling it up to his chin.

"I don't know!" Ning shouted, "we got drunk, I guess!"

"Oh gross!" Ce whined, "well at least I wasn't on the bottom, right!"

"I wasn't on the bottom!" Ning protested, "no way no way no way!"

"You sound a bit insecure to me, I think you were! Besides if we _were_ going to do it I'd totally top you and you know it!" said Ce confidently.

Ning eyed him a bit strangely.

"Well we'd _both _top Tong," Ce continued thoughtfully.

"WOULD YOU STOP DISCUSSING HYPOTHETICAL SEXUAL POSITIONING HERE! IF ANYONE WANTS TO GO BACK TO THAT ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM THEY CAN JUST GO BACK AND READ CHAPTER 7! AND THEY CAN REVIEW IT TOO! BACK TO THE POINT, I THINK WE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT!" Ning shouted, "I mean this in the most not-gay way as possible—IS YOUR ASS SORE?"

"No!" said Ce, "I—I don't think so? Dammit, now that psycho-whatchamacallit is affecting my brain, I'm _thinking_ my ass is sore but I don't think it is! Is yours sore!"

"I don't know!" Ning whined, looking close to tears, "I keep thinking it's the psycho-thingy too!"

"Maybe we did it twice?" Ce asked, looking scared, "Ning you're one of my best friends but the idea of having sex with you makes me wanna throw up!"

"Join the freaking club!" Ning squawked, "ohhhh, shit—you—this doesn't leave the room!" he threatened.

"What'dya think I'm gonna do, write it on a sandwich board and announce it to the world! I'm not proud of it!" Ce complained.

"Fine! If it had to happen at least—at least we can be mature adults about it!" Ning decided.

Ce's eyes widened. "Oh, crap, I had sex with a _dude _last night! NIIIIIIING!"

"CEEEEE!" Ning wailed, losing all manliness, and the two burst into loud tears and hugged each other (apparently, it was homosexual to have sex with another man when they were drunk and didn't know what they were doing, but it was perfectly manly to embrace another naked man and cry _about _the aforementioned sex act).

"S-so what are we gonna do now?" Ce asked, managing to regain his composure after a few minutes of sobbing.

"I know who we can take this out on," Ning said through gritted teeth, "TONG!"

"Yeah," said Ce, "let's get him!"

They both scrambled out of bed—"after we put our clothes back on."

"And take a shower!"

"BUT NOT AT THE SAME TIME!"

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Why are they making _so much fucking noise_," Tong groaned, shuffling over in the bed, Shang Xiang still sleeping all cuddled up in his chest.

Stupid noisy friends. He'd been up for about fifteen minutes already when the screaming began—apparently Ning and Ce got drunk and had sex last night, something that was going to make being their best friend very, very uncomfortable, he was sure—which meant two things.

One, he'd have to be some kind of invisible ninja to be able to sneak Shang Xiang out of here before her very overprotective older brother burst in here to catch them, and two, he wasn't going to be able to lie in bed like he'd wanted to all morning. Stupid noisy friends.

Actually, three, he could just throw her out the window and hope she landed in some bushes. Yeah, that might not be such a good idea. In case she missed the bushes and _didn't_ die, she would probably try to kill him. And being killed was not on Tong's to-do list at the moment.

And neither, for the love of all things good and holy in this god forsaken universe, was _getting sexually assaulted_. It was almost like a recurring trend, or something! Stupid Okuni was a given, he should've seen that coming a mile away, but—well, at least he told his hormones to take a short walk off a long pier—oh, wait, long walk off a short pier—about Shang Xiang. Yikes. Awkward~

Shit. What if she remembered anything? She already was wearing _his_ stuff, he doubted she'd be suspicious enough to think he did anything, but if she was serious about all that liking him stuff from last night, uh oh. That was a road he did not intend to travel (sexual innuendos _not intended, _thank you very much!).

Hell, Shang Xiang wouldn't remember anything anyway, she was a amnesiac drunk.

And if she did remember, well, he'd say _he_ forgot. Amnesia FTW.

Stupid Shang Xiang, being all—he paused, hearing the idiots outside his door, and groaned. Dammit.

xxxxxxxxx

"I don't think I have it in me," Ce said mournfully, fumbling with the camera.

Ning groaned—"dammit Ce, the point of this is to _act like nothing happened_! Repeat after me! _I did not have sex last night_!"

"I did not have sex last night," said Ce dutifully. "I'm sorry Ning but Jacques Cousteau just isn't coming to me—it's like I'm not worthy of the accent!"

"Oh shut the fuck up already, if you were going to have sex with a guy at least it was _me_," Ning grumbled—"wait, that didn't come out right—"

"Declare your love for gay sex on someone else's video project, please," said Ce.

"I DID NO SUCH THING—"

"Hey, accent time!" Ce opened the door, Ning already with the camera—

"Observe, ze 'eedeous 'ungover mess zat ees Tong—why, what a zeeprise, ze lozer veergin is a lozer veergin no mo—IS THAT MY SISTER!" Ce bellowed, the accent going away—

"Uhhh?" Tong said nervously, wide-eyed—_shit_.

"She's not—we didn't—" he began, but he was truthfully scared shitless, Ce looked _pissed_—"Ce, calm the hell down, we didn't have sex last night!"

"Oh," said Ce, deflating, "well, in that case~ it's a good thing you didn't, if you even touched my baby sister I'd have come after you with razor blades and lemon juice, buddy—ARE THOSE HER CLOTHES!"

(Ning was still recording, of course.)

"Y-yeah, but we—I didn't!" Tong whined, "Shang Xiang, tell them we didn't have sex, will ya!"

"Mmm?" Shang Xiang asked sleepily, "did we? I don't remember anything—"

Ce crossed over towards Tong's bed (the camera still rolling) and threw the covers back, picking his little sister up and dropping her on Tong's chair (she mumbled a bit before curling up and going back to sleep). Then he attacked.

Ning winced—a Ce body slam had to hurt (in a non-sexual way, _of course_—not that he would know! It was an _accident!_ He didn't _mean_ to sleep with Ce—arrrrrrrrgh!). He thought for a second—Tong might not appreciate a video of him getting the hell beaten out of him broadcasted to the entire Video Media class—then he remembered, 'I need an 'A'.' The camera continued rolling.

* * *

About an hour later, Shang Xiang had gotten both her brother and her best friend to calm the hell down, hangover style—"Shut up both of you, I have a headache and I don't care! Ce, I didn't have sex with Tong last night! Tong, quit crying when Ce hits you!"

To which Tong had squawked in indignation about not crying, and Ce shouted in rage that Tong _dared_ to sleep in the same bed as his baby sister, and Tong exploded about that too, and it earned them both a punch in the face, Shang Xiang style.

And here they all were down in the food hall (the word 'food' used loosely), where Ning was eating his sorrows, Ce was still glaring at Tong, Tong was glaring back at Ce, and Shang Xiang was about to whip out an Uzi and kill them all, Kazuo Kiriyama style.

"Gee, I wonder who keeps _kicking me_," Tong growled.

Shang Xiang turned to glare at him for violating the 'No Speaking' rule she'd enforced. Tong ignored her and kicked Ce back.

And missed. Ning's face twisted with rage—not that it _hurt_, or anything, Tong kicked like a sissy, but HOW DARE SOMEONE TRY AND HURT THE GREAT GAN NING AND THINK THEY'D GET AWAY WITH IT!

"Don't even think about it," said Shang Xiang, narrowing her eyes, "or I will have your balls in a bag, Ning, and they won't be attached either!"

"Eww," said Tong, looking disgusted. "That was the _last _mental image I wanted while I was eating, thanks, Shang Xiang."

"Just doing my part for the community," said Shang Xiang, looking bored.

Ce and Ning had clammed up again, both of them back to picking at their food and trying to avoid having anything to do with each other—

"Someone pass me the salt before I castrate them with a rusty knife," said Shang Xiang.

Ce (used to being threatened by Shang Xiang) and Ning (liking his penis too much to risk a castration) both reached for it without looking—their hands brushed against each other's and they both looked up, horrified, and immediately withdrew their hands as if the other had been covered in a contagious layer of pus.

"What the hell is with you two?" asked Shang Xiang, irritated.

"NOTHING!" said Ce and Ning immediately, in unison—and then they looked horrified at speaking in unison.

On the idea of changing the subject, Ji came into the food hall for no reason other than parading her new catch Yun around; Yun had an expression of terror plastered to his movie-star-good-looking face.

"Oh, food," said Yun, looking relieved, "thank goodness, I'm starving—"

"We're not here to _eat_," said Ji, looking disgusted, "we're in just in here to give everyone a look at what true love looks like, you see~"

"Hey, look, Ji's got a new boyfriend," commented Tong, "Yun looks like he's going to shit his pants."

"I can't say I blame 'im," Shang Xiang complained, "people think Ji's so hot, she's all surface appeal! Imagine what she looks in the morning—matted hair, greasy skin, no makeup—what do you think _that_ looks like?"

"You?" Ning guessed, grinning.

Shang Xiang kicked him under the table, and this time, it actually hurt. "Shut up! When's the wedding, I heard you two shrieking about boning each other last ni—"

Ce clamped his hand over his sister's mouth, looking mortified. "Shut up!" he whined.

"Yeah! We're not getting married! It was a big accident that will never happen again!" Ning said firmly, looking embarrassed as hell too.

"Welcome to the family~" Shang Xiang said, smirking. Ning glared at her.

"A big flaming accident?" Tong offered. Ce and Ning glared at him. He ignored them both for his food. "Gee, perhaps I might be a wee bit more sympathetic to the plight of the ass-raped idiots, but getting the shit kicked out of me has seemed to drain me all of all compassion. I don't care."

"Oh, like we weren't going to find something to beat the hell outta you for!" demanded Ning reasonably.

"Yeah, we beat the hell outta ya because you were getting all up in my baby sister's grill," accused Ce—"I won't ever talk like that again, don't worry~"

"Sounds like someone's taking a morning cruise down the river De Nile," commented Tong.

"Gross," said Shang Xiang, making a disgusted face, "oh, yeah, so you can fuck Ning but I wake up in the same bed as Tong and I'm the family skank!"

"SHUT UP IT'S DIFFERENT," howled Ce.

"Yeah, he can't get pregnant," said Tong.

"SHUT UUUUUUUP!"

* * *

"Why didn't we get breakfast?" Yun asked Ji, wincing as she squashed his hand mercilessly.

"Because we can get room service delivered to my room," said Ji.

"Really?" asked Yun, "how?"

"I don't live _here_, silly," said Ji, "how else do you think my ends never split? Florescent lighting and shared bathrooms are terrible for my skin, you see~"

"Oh," said Yun, "well, okay, food is food, right?"

Yun had never been more wrong, as Ji unlocked the door to her master suite at the five-star-hotel conveniently located across the street from FU, and—"is that orange juice!" he squawked.

"Yes?" said Ji, confused, "do you not _like_ orange juice? I can have it abolished from the menu, if you want~" She smiled.

"Does it have pulp?" Yun asked, wide-eyed.

Ji looked disgusted. "What kind of lower-class scum do you take me for!"

Yun felt himself grin. He could get used to this!

* * *

"Oh, Chao, you're wonderful," cooed Xing Cai, looking over the notes for their new co-hosted, currently unnamed event. "We should've joined forces _years_ ago!"

Chao laughed, putting an arm around his new girlfriend and pulling her close for a kiss—"I'll tell you what _other_ forces need to be joined, _effective immediately_," he said, grinning, and Xing Cai laughed and tugged him back down to kiss him some more, shoving him over so she was on top of him, and—

Oh, gross, brother making out on the couch. Technically this _was_ his dorm, and she was the visitor here, but, still, EW! Do not want! Yun Lu scowled as she clicked on the "Zhao Yun" Sim, and dropped him in the river, her face lighting up in a smile full of evil as the Yun Sim flailed about, trying to get out of the river.

Ahh, cheat codes~

"Yun Lu, everything alright?" Chao asked, glancing over at his sister, who was looking a bit evil (well, more so than the usual little sister evil, he supposed).

"I'm fine," answered Yun Lu, her jaw set.

Chao sighed—"can you give us a moment, baby?" he asked Xing Cai, who batted her eyelashes at him and skipped off, delirious with love—he relocated and sat down next to his sister. "What's up?" he asked, "and don't feed me that 'nothing' bull, I know that's not true."

Yun Lu sighed. "Chao, I don't want to talk about this, alright? It's embarrassing!"

"What?" asked Chao, "come on, I'm your brother, what's so embarrassing you can't tell me?"

"Alright, fine," said Yun Lu, "last night, I was outside getting out of that horrible party, and this girl was all over Yun. So, I, uh, kind of hi-jump kicked her."

"YOU DID WHAT," said Chao, eyes huge. "Why!"

"Chao, seriously!" grumbled Yun Lu.

"Alright, fine, so you like Yun," sighed Chao, "not terribly surprising, I suppose, but—dammit, so what's the problem, here? I have to see you two fluffing all over each other now?"

"You're one to talk," Yun Lu pointed out, "and _no_, that's not what I'm so embarrassed about! Look, I—I did something that—"

"That would put the terror of the Ma Family into Yun's heart?" asked Chao, looking bright-eyed—"hey, don't give me that look!"

Yun Lu rolled her eyes—_brothers_—and shook her head. "No," she said, "he kissed me. And then he took off. I don't know why."

"HE DID WHAT!" demanded Chao, "_why_!"

"If I knew would I be sitting in your room feeling sorry for myself?" Yun Lu asked, making a face. "I don't know why he did it, but—hey, I know that look, whatever it is you're thinking about doing, don't even think about it!"

"Why not?" asked Chao, scowling.

"Don't do anything about it, please," begged Yun Lu, "don't, Chao, it's embarrassing!"

"Hey, what kind of lousy brother would I be if I didn't?" Chao demanded, looking displeased.

"A brother sympathetic to his sister's feelings?" Yun Lu asked, forcing a smile on her face.

Chao sighed.

* * *

Ce, ever the martyr, got back from the dorm he shared with Yu, and—

"Ow!" he complained, as Yu smacked him over the head with a rolled up newspaper.

"Where the hell were you?" demanded Yu, "don't you know how to answer your phone?"

"I was at Ning and Tong's place!" said Ce defensively.

"And you can't pick up your phone?" asked Yu, exasperated, "the R.A. came by five times earlier to tell me you had to pick something up from the post office!"

"Really?" asked Ce, "hey, maybe it's my candy care package from Pop!"

"Maybe," said Yu, rolling his eyes, "now that I know you're _alive_, excuse me so I can get back to studyi—ow, Ce, let go!"

"Come on, you do nothing but study, it's Sunday!" said Ce, cheerful as usual, "come with me to the post office, wouldya?"

"Oh, yes, that's my idea of a good time," complained Yu.

"Good!" said Ce brightly, "c'mon—"

Halfway down the stairs, Yu (who could read transparent Ce like a book) figured out Ce was hiding something. "Ce," he said.

"What?"

"What kind of idiotic debauchery did you get yourself into last night that is somehow going to come back and find a way to haunt me?"

Ce froze—"I dunno what you're talking about!"

"I don't believe you," answered Yu shortly.

"…if I tell you, you gotta promise not to tell anyone!" said Ce, looking darkly serious for once—"I mean it, buddy!"

"Of course," said Yu, looking a bit uneasy, "Ce, what the hell did you do, did you—did you kill someone! Or did you—is Da Qiao _pregnant_!"

"NO!" squawked Ce, "what, are you kidding, she won't even let me under the bra yet!"

"I thought so," said Yu immediately—"I mean, uhh—what the hell did you do?"

Ce, luckily, was dumb, so this flew over his head—"…I don't know _what_ I did, exactly," he said, slowly, "but—I woke up. In Ning's bed. And we were both naked."

Yu's facial expression looked like this: -_-. "So you…"

"I think," said Ce, brown eyes wide with fear.

"So… you got drunk and had sex with Ning last night?" Yu asked calmly.

Ce nodded, looking freaked out.

"…do you know what that brings to mind?" Yu continued.

"What?" Ce asked.

"IF YOU WERE GAY, THAT WOULD BE OKAAAAAAAAAAY," Yu began to bellow at the top of his lungs, "I MEAN, CAUSE HEYYYYY, I'D LIKE YOU ANYWAAAAAAAAY—"

"YUUUUU!" Ce shouted, "shut up!"

"IF YOU WERE QUEEEEEEEEEER, I'D STILL BE HEEEEEERE," Yu continued bellowing relentlessly.

"YUUUU!" Ce hollered, "I mean it, Yu, I'm going to fucking punch you!"

"YEAR AFTER YEAAAAAR, BECAUSE YOU'RE DEAR TO ME!"

"YU!"

"I'M HAPPY, JUST BEING WITH YOUUUU, SO WHAT SHOULD IT MATTER TO ME, WHAT YOU DO IN BED WITH GUYS—"

By now, about half the quad was listening (Yu's falsetto was more of a falshitto) and Ce's face was bright red. Yu was still singing (and pulling off some rather complicated looking jazz squares).

* * *

If you haven't seen it already, YouTube "Numa Numa song"; there's two versions, the official O-Zone music video and the Gary video; Gary is a guy who made up his own dance to the song, the official video contains two hot Romanian guys and one Lu Xun-esque guy dancing on the top of an airplane with their shirts blowing open.


	9. KKKanetsugu

I keep forgetting this is chapter 9, not 8 XD Living in the past, self!

This chapter starts of on a rather, uhh, _interesting_ note XD Nothing terribly adult so I don't see the need to up the rating. I might down the road, though.

* * *

Shang Xiang grinned wildly, shutting the door behind her, settling a predatory expression on Tong—who grinned back and grabbed her waist, crushing her lips in a hot, steamy, sexual-tension-releasing kiss.

Shang Xiang grabbed the back of his head, her fingers twisting through his hair—of course, being Shang Xiang, she wasn't happy just kissing, and neither was Tong, for the most part—she pushed him backwards onto his bed and fell on top of him on all fours, straddling his hips as she sat up and pulled her top off.

Tong grinned, those magnificent boobs of hers coming into view, and winced horribly as she ripped his shirt right over his own head—but whatever~ he waited impatiently for her to squirm out of her shorts, wiggled his hips cooperatively to help her get his own pants off, and—ngghhhhh.

Shang Xiang was moaning, bucking her hips and grinning down at him as she did; Tong was mostly "sdfjshjfhsjkdhskjhdakjhdkhaj" about the whole matter, really—

"Tong," Shang Xiang said, between loud gasps—"remember when you just turned nine and I pushed you off the slide at the park?

"Huh?" Tong managed, confused—"yeah, I guess?"

"Just making sure~" said Shang Xiang, sweetly—"what about that time Quan hit you with that paintball gun and you chased him down the block?"

"Yeah—sure?" Tong was confused—"any reason you're, uh, dredging up old memories while we're having sex?" Come to think of it, he _was _speaking rather coherently for a guy in the middle of—

"Oh, you know~" said Shang Xiang, smiling, "this is what best friends _do_, right? I mean, I'm not your girlfriend, and as far as you're concerned, I never _will _be~"

"I never said _that_—" Tong protested—"hey, what happened to the sex, why do we have clothes on again!"

"Because you're dreaming," said Shang Xiang, loudly, and holy shit she sounded like Ning wtf—"WAKE UP, YOU DUMB FUCKTARD, YOU'RE _DREAMING_!"

—and Tong promptly rolled off the couch, hitting the coffee table with a thud and flailing about, blearily—"unnghhghh!" he managed.

"Oh, about time you woke up," said Ning, sitting back on the couch and reaching for the remote, "you, uh, doing anything interesting there?"

"Shaddap," Tong grumbled, embarrassed and sitting up on the couch, very aware of his obvious erection and making a face—"mind your own business!"

"When I hear it, it becomes my business," Ning answered, looking thoroughly disgusted about the whole ordeal. "Whoever it is, wrap it before you tap it, man, I don't need fifteen little Tonglets running about—"

"Shaddap!" Tong grumbled, again, "and _I_ don't have the E.D problems here, that's _you_—"

"Uh huh," said Ning, "oi, while you're up, get me a beer, wouldya? I'd like to pretend this past five minutes didn't exist."

"I'm not up!" said Tong, and looked down at his lap—"you don't count!" He scowled and stretched his arms. "I'm confused," he admitted.

Ning groaned. "Tong, s'not that hard, go stand in the shower and think about—"

"NOT ABOUT THAT," Tong squawked—"_in the shower_!"

Ning shrugged, eying him strangely. "I get it everywhere."

Tong did a mental Hallelujah dance that the new dorms they were staying in had _separate bathrooms_—"not about that!"

Ning set the remote down. Time to be a 'good friend', or whatever. "A'ight, fine. About what?"

"Half of me wants to bone Shang Xiang and the other half of me is all "DO NOT WANT SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND," Tong grumbled.

"Go with the second instinct," said Ning immediately.

Tong's eyes got huge—"What? Why? Give me a reason here!" (Yes, Tong was _that desperate_.)

"Because you two end up screwin', it's gonna end in two ways—one, you'll be all giggly and happy and shit forever and I'm gonna have to put up with it. Or, two, you two'll get sick of each other, decide to be 'just friends', then you're gonna be awkward and fidgety and uncomfortable and shit and I'll be stuck in the middle of it. Either way, my life sucks. So there you go." Ning reached back for the remote. God _damn_ but he should have his own advice column!

Tong rolled his eyes—"okay," he said, scowling, "then answer _this_ question, dipshit, what do I do about how weird I'm acting around her _now_!"

"Get laid?" Ning offered

"I just did! Okuni! Last night!"

Ning made a disgusted face—"go take a shower!"

"If that ain't the pot calling the kettle black—"

"She's all Keiji-ified, ew," said Ning, making a face—"she rape you again?"

"No," said Tong, "it was mildly consensual this time, made for a refreshing change of pace—stop looking so delighted in my misery!"

"Hey, you laughed when I told you how _I_ woke up this morning," Ning said defensively.

"Because it was _funny_, mild disturbing mental images aside." Tong shook his head. "So that's your advice? Find some other girl and have sex with her until I forget about Shang Xiang?"

"I guess," said Ning, "hey, I don't get _paid_ to give advice, don't expect me to put the effort in to make it _good_!"

"I'm just saying," said Tong, "for you, it's actually pretty _good_ advice—selfish and self-serving, of course, but still. You saying something intelligent is like—I dunno, a flamingo on the moon."

"Well pack up your space shuttle, Neil Armstrong, flamingos are goin' to the moon!" said Ning, grinning—his grin fell. "I have no idea what that fuckin' meant."

"There's the Ning I know," said Tong brightly. "And here I was about to accuse you of being an imposter."

"Hey, shaddap, you—you know, that's not a bad idea," Ning said suddenly.

"What, the going to the moon thing?" Tong asked blankly. "Ning, people _already_ went to the moon—I know you're vehemently against anything educational living in your brain but I learned that off of _Pokémon_, Pewter City Museum, the guy on the second floor—"

"No, you stupid—no! Advice column! The paper does one! Or—or I could do it _on the radio_!"

"There's this thing called _sarcasm_ I do quite frequently, you might want to get acquainted with it—"

"Would you shut that hole under your nose! I'm thinkin' here!"

Tong groaned.

* * *

"And that's how I spent my evening," Da concluded, "how about you, what did you end up doing last night?" She and her roommate were in the cafeteria for dinner, exchanging horror stories of the party last night over crappily-catered college cafeteria cuisine (alliteration is your friend, after all)

"I wish I remembered!" complained Shang Xiang, "seriously, I got nothing! All I know is I woke up this morning in Tong's bed, in Tong's clothes, and Ce hauled me out of Tong's bed yelling something about us having sex—which according to Tong we didn't," she added hastily, seeing Da's raised eyebrows.

"Are you _sure_ you didn't?" asked Da.

"Of course I'm sure," said Shang Xiang, setting her jaw, "Tong says we didn't, and I got no reason to believe otherwise! He wouldn't lie to me!"

Da rolled her eyes. "Whatever you say," she said, shaking her head.

"Right," said Shang Xiang, "and that _is_ what I say—and besides, you're the one who _drugged my brother and Ning_!"

"Oh, whatever!" said Da, "that's hardly a big deal!"

"Da, they think they had sex," said Shang Xiang pointedly. "They were almost crying this morning. It was both amusing and creepy."

Da's face flickered briefly with evil—"oh, _really_?" she asked sweetly.

"…why am I totally not wanting to know what you're thinking?" Shang Xiang asked dully.

"Because I wouldn't tell you even if you wanted to know?" Da prompted.

"Right." Shang Xiang decided not to ask any further questions to ensure she would receive no answers, and poked at her spaghetti, making a face of horror as she unearthed a large, talon-looking thing—"ew! I hate this school!"

* * *

"," said Kanetsugu Naoe in about two seconds.

It was a beautiful Monday morning; and Kanetsugu was stuck out here collecting _petition signatures_ (and picking up girls). Sometimes life left you that hundred-dollar-bill on the dresser when you wake up, but that's only because it fucked you so severely the night before. Kanetsugu wasn't too sure of the relevance of that statement, but it sounded cool.

Oichi Oda blinked a few times—"uhhh?" she asked, tilting her head, "um, what _is_ it, exactly?"

Her boyfriend Nagamasa Azai nodded, also looking confused—"a petition?"

"It's a petition," Kanetsugu clarified, dully, "um—look, some guys around my dorm made up some nonsense about me being a 'racist'—some insolent future criminal began calling me "K-K-Kanetsugu", which is both awkward to say in common conversation _and_ just plain untrue! I'm Japanese! The KKK didn't like Japanese people either, particularly with the era of bad feelings from World War II!"

Kanetsugu, of course, was full of it, considering the KKK was around long before WWII came around, but the narration will stop history buff-ing at you, before this story becomes _educational_. Ew.

Nagamasa and Oichi exchanged looks. Kanetsugu's apparel of choice was a tall, white hooded hat, a long-sleeved white shirt, and loose white pants.

"Why would they say that!" asked Nagamasa, looking outraged, "people these days!"

"Honestly, just because you have a _color scheme_!" complained Oichi, gesturing to her offensively pink outfit, "just because white makes your gorgeous hazel eyes stand out more so than any other color, you're branded a _racist_? Give me that petition!"

"Thank you!" said Kanetsugu brightly, "I mean, c'mon, I'm in the honor society, I invented my own love and honor society—I read to the deaf and teach the blind to paint in my spare time! If the good Lord were to fly down in his fiery chariot looking for one mortal to crown as God-of-Earth, he would choose _me_!"

"I'm sure he would," Oichi drooled, mostly focused on how Kanetsugu's biceps were very obviously showing through his white shirt.

Nagamasa frowned—dammit, pretty blonde boy senses tingling, girlfriend was not satisfied—"I'll sign too," he decided, "only because faith and honor shall lead the way!... whatever that means," he added, noticing Oichi giving him a _look_—"there you are, Nagamasa Aza—Oichi, why did you sign your _phone number_?"

"I did?" Oichi asked, her cheeks as pink as her—everything, "oh, my—uhh—"

"I got it already," Kanetsugu winked. Oichi nodded and winked back. Nagamasa, dumb as a post (but a post with lots of faith and honor), just blinked in confusion.

"I'm off to collect more signatures!" said Kanetsugu, "for love, honor, and not getting my ass evicted!" He took off, not before giving Oichi's butt an appreciative pat.

Oichi flushed, smiling. Nagamasa looked at her face and groaned.

"I'm just a man!" he wailed.

"Hardly!" shouted Ning, who happened to be walking by.

* * *

"Mornin', Ginchiyo," said Tong, shoving his lunch in his locker and stripping off his top shirt.

"Ngh," answered Ginchiyo.

"What's got your panties in a twist?" Tong asked, stretching his arms.

"Nothing of your concern," Ginchiyo answered severely, "mind your own business!"

"You _are_ my business, boss," Tong pointed out, "whenever you're in a pissy mood, I only get a five minute break instead of a ten!"

"That's because that stupid Ina girl insisted on getting her job back, and she's a better lifeguard than you," answered Ginchiyo.

"That doesn't explain why I get a short break," Tong complained. "This is like reverse glass ceiling tactics, isn't it? You're trying to suppress me so I can't be my awesome manly self!"

"No, it's because I don't like you," Ginchiyo replied smugly, tacking up the break/lunch schedules for the day up on the corkboard in the employee closet/locker room.

"At least we can be honest with each other~" Tong called, and Ginchiyo shut the locker room door behind her.

"That's two people I know who need to get laid," he commented, and shrugged his shoulders again, rolling them back. Ahhh, the plight of the lifeguard~

He left out the back door and headed for his usual seat up in the lifeguard tower. He'd only get to lifeguard for a few more days, sadly; October was coming to a close, and the pool at AA closed from November to March (which was a dumb idea, they lived in _Florida_, but then again Tong didn't much fancy the idea of being outside shirtless in the 60-degree-weather)

"Excuse me, Mr. Lifeguard, my son is bleeding, can you direct me to the First Aid?"

"Huh? Oh, sure—right over there," Tong said, pointing. The lady beamed at him and hauled her bleeding son off.

Wait, what the fuck? Did I just provide _quality service_! Tong blinked a few times—good _lord_ but he was off his A-game!

Ina was already down below, being annoying and a good employee as always—arrrrrghh—he set his sights down to the pool, deciding saving someone's life would put him in better spirits. Or something. As long as whatever creepy demon was possessing him decided to GTFO.

Also—WTF SHANG XIANG WAS DROWNING! A girl with short brown hair and a nice rack were flailing around in the water—"SHIT!" Tong grumbled, jumping out of the tower, "hang on Shang Xiang—or whoever you are!" He dove, surfaced, and swam over—"hey, you're not—NENE!"

"Oh, Tong!" said Nene Sadatoshi brightly, "I'm not drowning, I'm okay—I just don't know how to swim, you see!"

"You don't know how to swim and you're in a _swimming pool_?" Tong asked, trying not to laugh—"well, c'mon, let's get you outta here—"

"You're a lifeguard now?" Nene asked brightly, taking Tong's offered hand and letting him pull her out of the pool, "I must say, I'm impressed! Dedicating your free time to saving the lives of others?"

"Eh, it pays," said Tong, grinning—"so, uh, how've you been, Nene?" Most people didn't get along all that well with their ex(es), but unlike Ning, Tong didn't like to burn his bridges.

Nene beamed—"oh, you know, been there, done that," she said dismissively, "I'm in line to become a R.A. next year, I'm so excited~ disciplining these bratty children, you know…"

Tong laughed. Nene was only about a year older than he was, not even, but she, uh, had this habit of calling everyone her 'children'. Yeah. Well, whatever.

"Hey, tell you what," Tong said, having a sudden idea, "I'm about to go on break—want to get something to eat and catch up?"

Nene smiled brightly—wow, she still had that million-watt smile too—"sounds wonderful!" she said—"are you sure you _can _leave?"

"Sure!" said Tong, shrugging, "s'not like they're gonna throw me overboard, or anything~ c'mon, Desert Grill's still servin' this time of day!" He pushed Nene along, ignoring Ina's flailing.

"YOU ARE MOST CERTAINLY NOT ON BREAK," Ina squawked, "GET BACK HERE LING TONG I AM NOT COVERING FOR YOU!"

* * *

Ning grinned, leading the two blondes inside his dorm—Chelsie and Chelsea, he loved it when girls had the same name so he didn't have to remember them—and squawked in outrage. Not only was Tong being _disgusting_—kissing some short-haired chick on the couch with the whole world watching, FUCKING EXHIBITIONIST—but—

"WHAT THE FUCK," he said, loudly, "SHANG XIANG!"

"Who?" asked Chelsie and Chelsea in unison. Ning ignored them.

Tong surfaced—"huh? Oh—Ning, yo—you remember Nene, right?"

"Hi!" said Nene brightly.

"Oh, okay, just makin' sure you weren't ignorin' my genius advice and suckin' face with Shang Xiang there," said Ning cheerfully, "after you, ladies~ no, actually, I go before you—" And he took off for his room, Chelsie and Chelsea following.

Tong blinked a few times, shrugged, and went back at it, catching Nene's lips in another kiss. Ahhh, having a girlfriend was _nice_~

* * *

Dr. Zhuge was having a field day today. Not only did he get to fail everyone—_everyone_!—on a special two-question pop quiz (was Yu _crying_? Ha, and again, _ha_), his lovely wife had the idea of a special group project. Worth half of the student's final grade. And _he_ got to pick the partners.

Dr. Zhuge was the kind of man who paid attention to his students. Not that their inane little lives and problems interested him—well, they did in a _schadenfreude_ sense—but he was always looking for a way to make their lives _worse_.

Top Chef season finale Wednesday night? Term paper due. Big football game on Saturday? Test on Monday. And so on.

Needless to say, it made education quite—not _fun_, per se, but tolerable. Tolerable until he could get his tenure and then they'd never be able to get rid of him! Yay!

Oh dear, he was beginning to sound a bit like that psychotic in the engineering department, Sima Yi. He'd have to tone down the psychotic genius act a bit.

Scheming of ways to torture their students, particularly their mutual students, was almost foreplay for Dr. Zhuge and his wife Dr. Huang; and they'd had some pretty damn good sex last night, so his genius mind was brimming with ideas. Ah, knowledge~

"Good morning, class," he greeted, ignoring the dull chorus of "ngghh" that followed. "Laptops closed, coffee cups on the floor, if you don't mind…" He waited for the little idiots to settle down and cleared his throat. "As you know, we're nearing the end of the semester."

"It's October," said some smart-aleck.

Dr. Zhuge glared at him, and continued. "So I've decided, since the majority of you choose to spend your time in this classroom texting, or not paying attention—it is my job as a teacher to ensure you can properly interact with people you are confined to, in a classroom or a work environment."

"So like a Saw movie?" Toshiie Maeda guessed. "We all gotta work together or we're all gonna die?"

"Precisely," said Dr. Zhuge, and when everyone gasped in terror, sighed. "Minus the killing part, of course!"

"Wait, what? Why do we have to interact with people in our _class_?" asked Tong, making a face.

"Yeah, I don't want to make new friends! I barely like the ones I have!" Yu grumbled—"I sense a trap."

"Mr. Zhou, you would do well to stop being so suspicious of everything I do, and instead devote that energy to studying," said Dr. Zhuge, raising an eyebrow in Yu's direction—"after all, only me, you and the floorboards know you got a 72% on the last exam—oh, dear, did I just announce your score _out loud_?"

Yu trembled in rage. Tong patted his back.

"Anyway, as I was _saying_, before Mr. Zhou decided to bombard us with his groundless conspiracy theories… you will all be divided into groups of two to work on a report. The report must be no less than 10,000 words."

The class squawked in outrage. Dr. Zhuge scowled. "Calm yourselves! 10,000 is not a lot of words—how many words do you _text_ a day!"

"Not that many!" shouted some nameless kid (he had a name, but he wasn't a main character and he would never be one, so the narration does not care).

Dr. Zhuge chose to ignore that. "I will be choosing your partners… and your project can cover whatever you'd like in the context of Chemistry, it's not like I'm actually going to _read_ them—I mean—" He began passing out project outlines, all the while pairing people off.

The narration doesn't care enough to list the pairs of people nobody cares about; Yu got paired with Toshiie (which was more a curse than a blessing, Toshiie was not the most intelligent member of the class), while Tong was paired with…

"Okuni," said Dr. Zhuge, and Tong did a facepalm.

He barely had enough time _to _facepalm, as Okuni zoomed up in her wheely-chair and attached herself to his arm—"_thank you_, Dr. Zhuge~" she cooed, "Tong and I'll come up with something _wonderful_, you can be assured~"

"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP," Tong mouthed at Yu.

"I saw that," said Okuni, frowning, "Tong, do you take me for some kind of preying mantis!"

"Not quite," said Tong shortly, tugging his arm free. "Let's just get this over with…"

"I thought this was some sort of sexual education class," Okuni pouted, sighing, "my relationship with Keiji left a lot to be desired, you see, Chemistry class would have suited us quite well…"

"Right," sighed Tong, "um—so, uh—"

"I know, I know, you're trying to overcome your awkward lust for me, or at least until we can get into a private setting," said Okuni, patting his hand, "it's all right, dear, really~ no one is judging you, although the erection is quite embarrassing, you see~"

In the defense of Tong's penis, it was a limp noodle right now, so Tong (as usual) had no idea what people snorted on Okuni's home world. Instead he cleared his throat loudly and shuffled through his papers to find the project outline—"so, uh—we might as well pick some project, or whatever…"

"Oh, not _here_, silly, everyone'll hear our ideas!" said Okuni, "why don't you drop by my modest little home later, and we can iron out all the details?"

Tong sighed—being a "pretty boy", as his father so aptly described, he had learned some 'Rape Avoidance' techniques. The first was 'How to Avoid Being Raped', and an example was staring at him right in the face.

Still—

No, dammit, Tong, Nene! Nene, Nene, Nene, Nene!

Hell the only reason he was even _dating _Nene again was to try and keep his horrible lustful thoughts away from his best friend (then again, Nene didn't give him any, so that wasn't much of a—argghhh dammit Tong!)—god, he was turning into a real dick. When did he turn into _Ning_?

"Tong?" asked Okuni, "my apartment, tomorrow afternoon?"

"Sure, whatever," said Tong, sighing, "but if you try anything, I'm—"

"I won't try anything," Okuni promised, "that you see coming. I MEAN WHAT~"

Tong narrowed his eyes at her.

* * *

This was kind of a short chapter, but I'd rather update a bunch of times with shorter chapters rather than, like, one big one every two weeks or so.

Is it the standard thing to put dreams in italics, or something? Same with flashbacks? I've done so before, but I usually don't like doing that since it kind of kills the whole 'dreaming' suspense (or whatever suspense there is, I guess).

This way works fine, the first time through you don't know if it's a dream or not, so yay. :D


	10. You Just Keep Me Hangin' On

This chapter does not start off quite as exciting or eyebrow raising as the last one did, m'afraid, but alas, they can't all be gems. Or something.

Anyways, here's chapter 10, I'm bangin' these out pretty quickly now… what do you guys prefer, a long chapter with longer updates or shorter chapters updated more frequently? I'm 99% sold on sticking with the tried-and-true 'update whenever the hell I feel like it' method…

I would also like to mention—due to a few complaints that it's hard to tell where the scenes fall, timeline wise, I have added little 'the next morning/day/afternoon/night', ect., to every scene skip. However, my request is whenever you read one of the scene skips, the voice of the French narrator in Spongebob is the voice you hear reading it.

Ahem, away we gooooo with chapter 10~

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_The same evening where chapter 9 left off …_

Shang Xiang, uh, didn't know why she was here. She was standing outside Tong's dorm. With an invitation in her hands. Actually, said invitation was more of a crumpled, wrinkled blob, due to her twisting it in her nervous hands—and the ink on the invite was smeared, due to her nervous perspiring (Sun family downfall, right there). Actually—eww, she had ink on her hands too. Greaaaat. She awkwardly wiped them on the back of her shorts, then promptly remembered she was wearing _white_ shorts. Arghhhh!

Dammit, Shang Xiang, calm _down_—

"Shang Xiang!" said an overly cheerful voice behind her, and she promptly jumped and turned around.

"Ning! What!" Shang Xiang demanded.

"I live here!" Ning pointed out, "what're _you_ doin' here?"

"Is Tong here?" Shang Xiang asked.

Ning opened his mouth to reply; then his expression became one of severe constipation, and he (gently) shoved her aside, darted past her, unlocked the door, went inside, and slammed the door shut. In Shang Xiang's face.

"Hey, wait—Ning, you dick!" Shang Xiang shouted, banging on the front door, "open this door or I'm opening a can of whoopass on your dumb ass, you stupid inbred—"

"OW SHANG XIANG OW YOU ARE HITTING ME OW!" Tong managed, between the severe beating Shang Xiang was administering on his head with every angry fist bash—he finally caught her fist, and Shang Xiang made to yank her fist free and send it soaring into the mouth of the audacious son-of-a-bitch who dared to halt her wrath, and knock out every one of his teeth while she was at it—oh, Tong! SHIT!

"Sorry Tong!" Shang Xiang managed, "I, uhh—"

"Save it, I know how your mind works," said Tong, shaking his head, "uhh—what's up? If you're trying to kill Ning say the word and I'll be right out of your way~"

"HEY!" Ning shouted from inside.

"Shaddap!" Tong called over his shoulder, and rolled his eyes before fixing his attention back onto Shang Xiang—and her boobs, that top was showing a lot of—dammit, Tong!

Shang Xiang, captain of the starship _Oblivious_, didn't notice her boobages were being discreetly ogled; she was too busy trying to think of an explanation as to why she was here that didn't involve _actually _asking him out. All this dancing around crap was a pain in the ass, dammit. She should just look 'im in the eye, and throw down the gauntlet—come with me to this party, or I'm going to kill you!

Scenario 1: _So, uh, Tong, I got this invite to this party on my floor, and, uhh, I was wanting if you wanted to go? With me? It's a costume party too, so you can just wear a costume and nobody'll know who you are— _

Shang Xiang made a face. She didn't think it was a good idea to suggest he wear a disguise were he to be out on a date with _her_. She expected to be worn on his arm like a fancy designer purse, thank you. Except if Tong was the type of guy to carry a purse, she wouldn't want to date him anyways. ANYWAY!

Scenario 2: _TONG YOU ARE COMING WITH ME TO THIS PARTY AND YOU ARE GOING TO LIKE IT!_

More in-character, for sure…

"Uhhh, Shang Xiang?" Tong asked curiously, "you're doing that weird thinking thing again… what's up, you lock yourself out of your dorm again?"

"No!" said Shang Xiang defensively, "I, uh—left my GameBoy here."

Tong made a face—"was it the one Ning stepped on earlier?"

"WHY IS EVERYTHING MY FAULT!" shouted Ning.

"Because you're the dumb one!" Tong answered.

"Uhh—well, um, while you know, you're _here_ and all that—uhh—there's kind of something I want to say? Or ask? I guess?" Shang Xiang mentally kicked herself for fidgeting.

"Sure, hit me," said Tong, glancing over his shoulder.

"Uhhhh—" Damn hesitant tongue! SPEAK, DAMN YOU!

"You want to just come in?" Tong offered, apparently realizing he was blocking the doorway.

"Sure!" said Shang Xiang brightly, stepping inside—"YOU!" she hissed, rearing on Ning, "say goodbye to your incisors _because I'm about to wake up your fucking dentist_—"

"Uh, about that," said Ning, looking tortured, "uhh, I wouldn't go any further, if I was you—"

"Shaddap," said Tong. "So, uh, what's up, Shang Xiang?"

"Oh, you know, I was in the neighborhood, give or take a couple buildings," said Shang Xiang, shifting her weight to her opposite leg—"uhhh…"

"Hang on, nature calls," said Tong, making a face, "be right back…"

"Nature doesn't call, you sissy, you just drank too much lemonade!" Ning called, smirking, earning him a foul gesture in response from Tong. He glanced over at Shang Xiang, fearfully.

"You asshole," Shang Xiang seethed.

"I thought you were someone else!"

"No you didn't!"

"Did too! And you have no idea of the inner mechanisms of my mind! They are an enigma! So enigmatic one of your small intellectual levels can't even begin to comprehend them!" Ning folded his arms.

Shang Xiang rolled her eyes and just decided to drop it. Stupid Ning.

"So what're you up to?" Ning asked suspiciously.

"Nothing bad!" said Shang Xiang, blinking—"c'mon, Ning, why else would I be here?"

"If I believed that I'd be dumber than the love child o' Tong and your brother," said Ning, making a face.

Shang Xiang made another face too—_eww_—and groaned. "Alright, fine, you caught me—some girl on my floor's doing a Halloween party and she invited the whole building, says we can bring dates if we want—I, uh, was thinking about asking Tong. Not thinking about, I was gonna do it. Then I wimped out and now I'm here. Uh."

Ning would've laughed at the irony if he knew what irony was—_she gets the cajones to ask him out _after_ he gets a girlfriend? Did she time this?_ "Uh, Shang Xiang, I don't think that's a good—"

"I'm thirsty," said Shang Xiang, "I want a soda~"

"Make that two, please," said Ning, promptly forgetting to warn Shang Xiang of the atom bomb about to be dropped on her unsuspecting, naïve head.

Shang Xiang went into the kitchen, and there was a girl already _in _there, her back to Shang Xiang.

"Hello?" asked Shang Xiang, confused.

"Hello!" the girl said brightly, turning around and beaming at Shang Xiang.

Shang Xiang could only stare in mixed horror and awe at this girl. If there were such things as doppelgangers from hell, she was looking at her own. Yikes.

The girl was wearing a yellow sundress and flip flops, something Shang Xiang wouldn't be caught dead in; but appearance-wise, they were identical. They had the same short brown hair. The only visible difference was the height, Shang Xiang was taller, and the eyes; Shang Xiang's were green, hers were brown.

Otherwise, it was looking in a friggen mirror. A creepy mirror.

"Hi," Shang Xiang said, looking the girl up and down.

"HI!" the girl replied cheerfully.

"Uh… mind if I ask who you are?" Shang Xiang asked.

"Oh! I'm terribly sorry, I forgot to introduce myself!" The girl grabbed Shang Xiang's hand and shook it. "My name's Nene! I'm Tong's girlfriend!"

If it hadn't been gravitationally impossible, Shang Xiang would've thought a brick fell from the ceiling and bounced off her head.

"So _you're _Nene! I heard about you," Shang Xiang said, forcing cheer into her voice. "Dating Tong, huh? I'd say you have good taste, but I guess I know Tong too well." She grinned.

Nene looked a little confused. Shang Xiang mentally rolled her eyes. "Anyway, I'm Shang Xiang, Tong's friend. I dunno if he told you about me, or—"

"Oh, I know who you are!" Nene said excitedly, "He told me all about you!"

Shang Xiang's eyes widened a bit. "Er… how much did he tell you?"

"There you guys are," said Tong, coming back into the kitchen.

"Toooooong, thank you so much for having me over for dinner~" Nene gushed.

"Oh, no prob, Nene—hey, before you go, this is Shang Xiang! We've been best friends since we were like kids—Shang Xiang, say hi to Nene!"

"Hello?" said Shang Xiang, confused.

"We've already been acquainted, dear," said Nene, smiling at Tong, "you have wonderful taste in friends, she seems like a lovely girl~"

Shang Xiang didn't know whether to be pissed or confused—she lost out to _this _nutcase! Arghhh!

"So, uh—what'd you want to ask me, Shang Xiang?" Tong asked curiously.

"Nothing," Shang Xiang grumbled, "I found my GameBoy, I'm going home." She stomped out of the kitchen.

"Hey, where's my soda?" Ning complained from the couch. Shang Xiang scowled and delivered a hard smack to the back of his head before shutting the dorm behind her.

"Ow!" Ning grumbled, "t'hell! What'd I do!"

Nene immediately hurried over—"keep your head up!" she ordered, "or you might suffer hemorrhaging in your brain! Or—brain damage!"

"He'd have to have a brain for it to hemorrhage," Tong commented, ducking Ning's punch, "ey, not in front of my girlfriend!"

"I'll punch you in front of your own damn mother," Ning scowled.

"My mom's _dead_, but thanks for reminding me," Tong said, rolling his eyes.

"Okay, _fine_, I'll punch you out on your mother's grave! Shaddap!"

"Someone is a rude Gus," Nene remarked, shaking her head, "you should be nicer to your friends, you never know when you'll be in a bind and they'll have to come help you!"

"Yeah, really, Ning," said Tong, making a face.

Nene interrupted Ning's torrent of curses with a hand—"I was talking to _you_, dear!" she told Tong, whose eyebrows shot up.

"ME! What'd I do!"

"Tong, what's the saying about poking the gorilla with a stick?" Nene asked.

"Uhhh… don't?"

"No! Poke the gorilla with the stick, and you get the horns!"

"I think you mean 'mess with the bull, you get the horns' or 'poke the gorilla with the stick and don't be surprised when he kills you'," said Ning, making a face.

"Oh, yes, my bad, I'm confusing my metaphors!" said Nene, shaking her head, "well, anyway, Tong, I don't want to see you antagonizing your friends! Or I'm going to get angry and give you a good spanking and I don't mean in the disgusting sexual connotation everyone seems to take it as!"

"Nene calm down we do shit like this all the time," said Tong, looking exasperated.

"Don't use that tone of voice with me!"

"Don't use that tone of voice with _me_! You're my _girlfriend_, not my friggen legal guardian!"

Nene pouted, looking steamed. "I don't know where all this hostility is coming from, but I don't want to see it anymore!"

"I don't care! Stop bossing me around!" Tong said flatly, crossing his arms over his chest.

Ning had already lost interest in the argument and had gone back to watching TV. His head was throbbing, _thanks for hitting me, Shang Xiang_, but this whole Tong/Nene thing was a load of crap anyway, at least as far as he was concerned…

xxxxxxx

_The next morning…_

Chao's face had lit up like he'd just received the key to the city—actually, the city is perfectly unlocked, why does someone need a key to the city? Give Chao a key to the mayor's office, and give the mayor a good boot to the ass, and then he'll talk—"REALLY!" he squawked, excitedly.

"Of course!" said President Pang Tong of Florida University (or so Ma Chao thought, considering he was talking to a heavily covered up man; he was wearing a large sombrero pulled over his eyes and nose and his mouth was hidden by a white bandana). "Justiceapalooza was the best thing to ever happen on this campus after my inauguration, boy!"

Chao blinked a few times—"sir, I think they only showed up due to the promise of free food and a Taylor Swift concert, nobody at this school understands the true plight of the man of justice!" Justice properly emphasized by a raised volume and a dramatic gesture, of course.

President Pang rolled his eyes—not that Chao would ever know, of course—and made a dismissive gesture with his hand. "You know, kid, the more of this school I run and the more people I encounter, the more valuable my personal motto becomes," he said, tassels on the sombrero waving as he shook his head.

"Which is, sir?" Chao asked curiously.

"FUCK 'EM!" shouted President Pang, which made Chao jump and nearly fall off his seat. "Nobody's going to spoon feed you, boy, you want something worth a crap in life you either need to become a prostitute or do it yourself. And since you don't have the gams to be a prostitute—" Chao looked at his thighs in a moment of self-doubt—"looks like it's the hard way paved with blood sweat and tears for ya."

"So you want me to throw another Justiceapalooza?" Chao asked, confused.

"No, heavens no, that was a terrible idea, not to mention all those flyers you printed really clogged up the school's plumbing system when they all got flushed down the toilet. I want you to be our school's resident watchman. You see something going on, I want you to do something about it. Put your ass on the line for _justice_!"

"Like what, sir?" asked Chao.

"I hear some of the rich brats in this school are—how do you kids say, 'hitting the joint'? 'Doing the reefer'? 'Smoking the weed'? I considered setting up anonymous donation bins around the school, but that might be a bit too intimidating to the minds of these sheep—I mean, students. So, what do you say?" President Pang grinned, but his grin was once again masked, if you'll forgive the pun.

"So—so you're granting me the authority to clean up the school! To be a—a—a—"

"A superhero," said President Pang, grinning wider when Chao squealed like a giddy schoolgirl—"I won't hold you from your destiny any longer, Ma Chao! You were _born_ to protect our school!"

"I won't let you down!" said Chao, jumping up and pumping his fist, "Tremble in fear, pothead fellow classmates!" And he ran off.

President Pang rolled his eyes, sitting back and putting his feet up. He just had a pot stash for life, thanks to that dumb kid—hey, wait a minute, that dumb kid knew to _confiscate_ the pot and turn it in to him, right! Not—not destroy it! "CHAO!" he shouted, but Chao was already long gone on his new campaign of JUSTICE.

xxxxxxxx

_That afternoon…_

KNOCK KNOCK.

"Get that, will you?" Tong asked, looking up from the textbooks he hadn't looked up from in about four hours.

"Why the hell do I have to interrupt my busy life to do your damn bidding?" Ning grumbled, from where his ass was imprinted to the couch, where he'd been sitting for the past four hours.

Tong gestured to the books scattered in front of him.

"Ain't my fault you got a weird idea of fun!"

"JUST DO IT! You're closer to the door!"

Ning groaned and got up, opening the door. "What?" He made a face. "How'd you find me!"

Ping, wearing a very eager expression, smiled hugely. "I looked you up in the student directory!" he said.

"Stalker," Tong called. "Ning, shut the door, will ya?"

Ping came inside anyway. "Master, I've come to learn from you!"

"_Master_?" Ning repeated. "Care to elaborate, y'little geek?"

"Learn what? How to sit on your ass for four hours without becoming a vegetable?" Tong snorted. Ning threw the remote at him.

Ping nodded eagerly. "Yes, Master! Our meeting last week couldn't have been a coincidence! It was fate trying to point me in the right direction!"

"More like the wrong direction. You ran into me!" Ning complained. "Get lost, will ya?"

Ping shook his head, the stars of hope and optimism gleaming in his eyes (whatever the fuck that means, of course).

"I think I'd be flattered if I wasn't so creeped out," Ning commented. "Alright _fine_, you can hang out here as long as you don't piss me off!"

"HOORAY!" Ping cried, "Oh, thank you Master Ning!"

"Your first order is to _stop calling me master_," Ning ordered. "People are gonna get the wrong idea!"

"Hi guys!" Ce shouted, walking in as usual. "Hey, Tong, didn't you go grocery shopping yesterday?"

"I didn't buy anything for YOU, if that's what you're asking," Tong replied.

Ping's eyes shot open. "Are you a friend of the Master's?"

Ce looked horrified—"only in the most normal, heterosexual definition of the word!"

Ning groaned, loudly. Tong tried not to laugh too much.

"What is my second order, Master?" asked Ping.

"Uhhh… go get me a beer," said Ning. Ping nodded and ran off towards the kitchen. He came back about a second later with a beer and nearly broke his neck getting it for Ning.

"Hey," said Ning, scowling, "this thing hasn't been _opened _—hey, apprentice, what the fuck're you tryin', leavin' this thing closed! Am I supposed to tear up my hands tryin' to open this thing? You're tryin' to kill me and inherit my legacy, aren't you!"

Ping looked aghast—"never, Master!" he squawked, and ran off, returning with a bottle opener.

"That's better," said Ning, smirking, "oi, while you're at it, apprentice, I think the mail came, go down and check for me!"

"And get me a soda while you're at it," Tong suggested.

"I'd be honored to serve the master's friends!" said Ping brightly.

"Absolutely not! There'll be none of _that_—your second official order that never ends is no waiting on my idiot acquaintances! They want a servant, they shoulda thought of that before they sucked at life!" said Ning firmly.

Tong scowled. Ping, on the other hand, saluted so vehemently he hit himself in the forehead; he blinked a few times, slightly disoriented, before running off, screaming "FOR THE MASTEEEEEEEEEEER!"

"Weird kid," said Ning in conclusion, rolling his eyes.

"Right," said Tong, standing up, rubbing his shoulder, "which reminds me, I'll see you weirdos later…"

"And where the heck are you going?" Ning asked off-handedly.

"Going to Okuni's, stupid chem project," said Tong, rolling his eyes, "which _sucks_, I know she's gonna try something!"

"Like seduce you out of your panties again?" Ce guessed, helping himself to—whatever it was, it was going to be gone shortly, so mentioning the name now is like mentioning the name of a fallen soldier. Or something.

"Yeah, yeah," said Tong, making a face, "ey, you two try and contain your lustful urges when I'm gone, a'ight? Later~"

The door slammed behind him, leaving behind a very awkward Ning and Ce. Yow.

xxxxxxxxxx

_Later that afternoon…_

Tong groaned. "Okuni, could you focus? For fifteen minutes?"

Okuni giggled. "I am focused, silly! Focused on your adorable face!"

Tong felt himself blush. "Would you knock it off? I, uh—I have a girlfriend!"

"You're lying," Okuni accused. She paused—"wait, is it that little tomboy girl?"

"Who? Shang Xiang? No!" said Tong defensively.

"Oh, really?" said Okuni, smirking.

"No! Her name's Nene!"

"Who? I'm not familiar with anyone named Nene…"

"Doesn't she _live here in this dorm_?"

"Oh, you mean _that _Nene?"

"How many Nenes in this school are there?"

"Well, you see, Nene is a very _ethnic_ name—" (1)

Tong ignored her. "Whatever. Alright, what'd you get for number 34—" The main door to Okuni's apartment swung open. Tong ignored the visitor and continued. "I put 'internal' but I don't think that's right—"

"DARLING!" Okuni squealed, jumping up.

Tong raised an eyebrow and looked up. Friendly greeting for the pizza guy. His eyes widened when he saw Okuni's boyfriend Keiji at the door. He'd suffered more than his fair share of bodily harm at Keiji's hands.

"OKUNI!" Keiji said, "Where've you been? I tried calling you, but—" His eyes settled on Tong. "WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE!"

"Don't get any ideas," Tong grumbled, "_I'm just her lab partner_—"

"Oh, Keiji, he wouldn't stop hitting on me," Okuni wailed, "I told him to go away, but he wouldn't listen—"

"WHAT!" Tong asked, outraged. "I did not! I've been trying to weasel the answers to YOUR half of the lab report for two hours now!"

"I don't know what he's talking about," Okuni whined.

Keiji looked outraged. "Hitting on my _girlfriend_, huh? Who the hell do you think you are!"

"I think I'm her lab partner," Tong growled. "And since when did you two get back together!" What the hell WAS it with these people!

"We're always together! Even when we're broken up!" Keiji snapped, storming over towards where Tong was. "You best get the hell outta my girl's apartment!"

"Not until she gives me the rest of the answers to the lab report, DUMBASS," Tong snapped back.

Keiji grabbed Tong's shoulders and shoved him. Tong shoved him back. Keiji grabbed his right shoulder; Tong jerked free and punched Keiji in the nose.

"Keiji!" Okuni squealed.

"Hmph," Keiji snapped, wiping his nose. "Little punk's got some fight in him!"

"Go to hell! I can do this all day!" Tong scoffed.

Keiji laughed. "What, you think I'm down and out? We're just getting started, kiddo!" He shoved Tong to the ground and grabbed him by his leg.

"HEY! What the hell are you doing?" Tong shouted. "Leggo, you big stupid— HEY!" he yelled, as Keiji dragged him over towards Okuni's open window.

"Have a nice fall!" Keiji laughed. "See ya next trip!" He effortlessly tossed screaming Tong out the window, still holding onto his leg; he bent Tong's leg over the windowsill and slammed the frame down on it. Okuni's window flower pots wobbled.

Okuni's room was on the 5th floor of the western tower; so Tong was thankful for the throbbing pain in his right leg. He wasn't falling fifty feet towards the ground to smash into the concrete sidewalk, for one.

"I think I'll just let ya hang," Keiji snorted from inside.

Tong whimpered. "Shit." If his leg slipped through the window, he would fall and die. He needed to think fast.

Cell phone! He thought. I've got my phone!

All the blood was going to his head, but Tong was able to fish his cell phone out of his pocket— and CATCH IT, as he nearly dropped it. He held his arms in front of his upside down head and sent a mass text to everyone in his contact list.

"HELP! I'm stuck hanging out in the window of the 5th floor of West tower! Outside room 517! COME GET ME BEFORE I FALL!"

Lucky for me I know how to text without looking, Tong groaned.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

_That evening_…

Unfortunately for Tong, the two people in the school most likely to actually do something to help him out were together. And not paying attention to their phones.

"You mark my words, the only reason he's going out with that Nene chick is because he likes me and he doesn't have the balls to admit it," said Shang Xiang, scowling. "She looks just like me!"

Ning was, quite frankly, trying to watch TV, but the annoying sucker-for-his-friends thing was rearing its ugly head once more. He put the remote down. "I don't get why you don't just yell at him like y'usually do," he said, "you've never been shy about yellin' _before_."

"I don't know why I haven't either!" said Shang Xiang, still pacing, "dammit—I guess because if he's ever going to like me, he has to figure it out himself, I guess?"

"Sounds good to me," answered Ning (whatever floated her boat), and going back to watching TV.

"How can it possibly sound good to you! Don't just sit there being useless! You're his best guy friend, well you and Ce but I can't ask _him—_can't you think of something useful to say!" whined Shang Xiang.

"Uhhh—" Ning was a man who could very rarely find something useful to say, sadly—"uhh—"

"Thanks a lot," Shang Xiang grumbled, scowling. "I swear, Ning, one of these days I'm going to punch you _through_ the face!"

"I didn't do anything!" Ning said defensively.

"EXACTLY! You're useless! Do something useful or stop wasting our precious air!"

Luckily, Ning was spared Shang Xiang's misplaced wrath (well, in her defense it wasn't totally misplaced, he _was_ useless) by a loud knock on the door.

"About fucking time!" Ning complained, getting up and shuffling over to the door, "what!"

"What do you think?" grumbled Mitsunari Ishida, aka Chinese Food Delivery Boy.

Ning made a face at him and collected the food. He glared at Mitsunari. "You can go now!"

"Ahem," said Mitsunari, "I believe you're forgetting the payment part of the transaction?"

"Oh, right," said Ning after a moment. He thought for a second and remembered the $20 he'd 'borrowed' from Tong—"here ya go," he said.

Mitsunari sighed—oh, he hated not-exact change—normally he just took the whole sum of money and ran, but this guy looked like he could, and would, chase him down. Dammit.

"You didn't tell me you ordered Chinese food!" said Shang Xiang, scowling, "are you holding out on me!"

"We _are_ Chinese, it's just food to us," Ning pointed out, "and that'd better be exact change you're making over there!"

"Not that he would know if it wasn't," piped up Shang Xiang. Ning made a face at her.

"Yeah, yeah," grumbled Mitsunari, "I'd ask you not to comment on the irony of a Japanese man working at a Chinese food place, but I suppose you're not intelligent enough to make a note of it."

"Nah, I just didn't care," Ning replied promptly, "how the hell long does it take to make change!"

"Might I suggest a tip," said Mitsunari.

"I got a tip for you," said Ning, "hand over my change and get the fuck outta here before I make some _sushi_ to go with my food!"

"That's a new one," said Mitsunari, "but for your information, idiot, I'm not _fish_, so it wouldn't be sushi, it'd be _sashimi_!"

"Sounds good to me," said Ning, his eyes narrowing.

"Ning, don't be an ass, he's a snarky pretty boy," said Shang Xiang, "the world needs more snarky pretty boys~ unless they're like _Tong_, those two-timing back-stabbing doppelganger-from-hell-dating—"

"Good to see you're not bitter," said Ning, already more interested in his food. "How's he a two-timer anyway, he was never a one-timer with you anyway!"

Shang Xiang made a face at him.

"Hey, I didn't know a sub-evolved creature like yourself could understand sarcasm, let alone use it in daily conversation," said Mitsunari, looking mildly impressed.

"Hey, what'd you call me? Huh?" Ning demanded.

Mitsunari sighed. "I'm leaving now. Enjoy your food. Or don't. I don't care." And he turned to leave.

"What the heck're you lookin' all evil for?" Ning asked, ripping open a take-out box and eying Shang Xiang suspiciously before beginning to devour the poor food.

"Oh, you know," said Shang Xiang, smirking—"HEY DUDE, WAIT UUUUP!"

"Wait, wh—OW—HEY—LEGGO—"

Ning heard what sounded like an assault going on, but food assault. Besides, he was a defenseless teenager all things considered, he didn't want to be attacked too.

Shang Xiang came back in the doorway, smiling proudly, dragging Mitsunari along. She made a face at Ning—who had half of his face stuffed inside the take-out box—"NING!"

"What?" asked Ning, but it came out as "sfhjshj?"

"See what I meant about sub-evolved?" Mitsunari asked, rolling his eyes. "I want out of this trio!"

"Stop that," Shang Xiang scolded.

Mitsunari's eyes got wide with horror—"oh, I just realized who you remind me of."

Shang Xiang ignored Mitsunari (a common sentence in the next few chapters, I assure you) and grinned. "Ning, meet my new boyfriend—what's your name?" Shang Xiang eyed Mitsunari curiously.

"Mitsunari Ishida, and I am _not_ your boyfriend, my ass already belongs to Panda Express!"

"That is a terrible name, y'know," said Shang Xiang, "it sounds like you're eating _panda_—"

A sudden look of disgust crossed Ning's face, and he eyed the food with a _look_—then he shrugged and resumed his merciless OMNOMNOM of the food. Panda or no panda, it tasted _good_~

Mitsunari groaned, loudly. "I am not going to date someone I don't know," he said firmly.

"You know me _now_," said Shang Xiang, "my name's Sun Shang Xiang, I have no criminal record as of yet and my dad's the governor of Florida."

"YOU'RE RICH!" Mitsunari squawked, the "$" sign going off above his head, ch-ching sound effect and everything—he quickly regained his composure, putting an arm around Shang Xiang—"yes, I suppose some social interaction _would_ be good for me…"

"Don't get pregnant," said Ning, loudly, before going back to his food.

"NING," hissed Shang Xiang, dragging Mitsunari off by his wrist, "c'mon, Mitsunari, let's go paint the tooooooown~"

"Hey, wait, I have to get back to work, and they told me I can't use the 'I was dragged off and raped' excuse again without filing a police report," Mitsunari complained.

Ning yawned. Sweet, all his idiot friends had significant others except him, finally some peace and—

WAIT, WHAT THE FUCK! Everyone else had a girlfriend/boyfriend (questionable in the case of Shang Xiang) except for HIM!

Ning groaned, loudly—when did _HE_ become the social pariah! The loser! The guy who couldn't get laid! The—

Zzz. And now he was asleep.

xxxxx

(1) One of the trashy housewives on _The Real Housewives of Atlanta_ (which, as you can imagine, is as far from a show about real housewives) is named NeNe. It's pronounced "Nee-nee" rather than "Nay-nay" though.


	11. That Eggo is Preggo

This story has been severely lacking in my favorite Samurai Warriors pair, Keiji/Okuni (yes, yes, this is in the Dynasty Warriors filter but I don't care!). Well, my favorite canon pair, anyway, I like Magoichi/Ina. I DON'T LIKE MAGOICHI/GRACIA. *ahem*

Mitsunari/Sun Shang Xiang wins for the crackiest pairing so far, I think? Does it? Ling Tong/Nene might take the cake there too, pretty much any DW/SW pair that wasn't mentioned in WO (Ling Tong/Okuni, I guess)

Gan Ning/Nene. Not so much crack as it is PURE FUCKING AWESOMENESS (or pure fucking, depending on what RP myself and grandfountain are writing at the moment ;D). Anyway, I originally was going to keep this story free of Nening, but Mayoman (a reviewer, not a childhood superhero who exists only in my imagination) wants it so I'm givin' it.

^^^^^^ See, that's what I meant about _good_ suggestions :D Not all you Insert Crazy Slash Pairing Here fangirls (you know who you are -_-).

xxxxxx

_Picking up where Ch10 or whatever the last chapter was left off…_

"That was _fun_!" said Shang Xiang cheerfully, dragging Mitsunari along by his hand, "it's so nice of you to walk me home, Mitsuhide!"

"Mitsunari," Mitsunari corrected, "And I'm not _walking_ you home, you're _dragging_ me!"

"You have to suck the romance out of everything," complained Shang Xiang.

"What romance! You're a complete stranger!"

Shang Xiang rolled her eyes. "Stop being so damn uncooperative!"

"Well the least you can do is provide me with carnal pleasure," complained Mitsunari.

"What?" asked Shang Xiang, confused.

"Lemme touch your boobs."

"WHAT!" squawked Shang Xiang, "no way! Nobody gets to touch these, they're my pride and joy!"

"How can you be proud of something you had nothing to do with?" asked Mitsunari, crossing his arms over his chest, "either let me at those babies or say goodbye to your pretend boyfriend!"

Shang Xiang opened her mouth to protest—darn it, this guy was good—and sighed. "Fine—but _over_, not under, y'hear me!" she demanded.

"Right," said Mitsunari, his hands doing that greedy grabbing gesture little kids do when they see a cookie, "lemme at 'em~"

Shang Xiang groaned. "Does it have to be out here?" she asked weakly.

"Everyone's looking at whatever it is hanging out of the window over there," Mitsunari pointed out.

Shang Xiang sighed. "Fine."

Mitsunari grinned. "SWEET."

Shang Xiang felt her face turn red. Imagine he's Tong, imagine he's Tong, imagine he's—she ignored the boob gropage to look over Mitsunari's shoulder, and frowned. "Do you see that?"

"Do you really think I'm looking at whatever it is you're looking at?" Mitsunari asked, giving Shang Xiang's breasts another squeeze for emphasis.

"No, I mean—look over there!" Shang Xiang pointed to the dangling kid out the window (Tong).

"Some kid dangling out of a window," said Mitsunari distractedly.

"Right," said Shang Xiang, sighing—"okay, that's _enough, _you're crossing the grope-grope line and going into a DNA analysis!"

"Sorry, sorry," said Mitsunari, backing off, "I don't get to do this _often_, as you might imagine."

Shang Xiang checked her phone, rolling her eyes. "Right."

'NEW MESSAGE FROM TONG!'

She grinned, her brain going all fangirl—was _this_ the text message he was going to proclaim his undying love for her in! "Hang on a second!"

"What, better offer?" complained Mitsunari, but Shang Xiang ignored him (see, the narration told you that would be a common sentence in the upcoming chapters!).

"HELP! I'm stuck hanging out in the window of the 5th floor of West tower! Outside room 517! COME GET ME BEFORE I FALL!"

Shang Xiang's eyes widened—"what floor is that guy hanging from?" she asked Mitsunari.

"5th?" guessed Mitsunari, counting up the windows, "yeah, 5th. Why?"

Shang Xiang's eyes widened even more—_dammit, Tong, you fucking idiot! _"Give me a second," she said, finally, sending a text message to Ning (he didn't answer phone calls).

xxxxxxxxx

Okay, fuck honor, fuck dignity, fuck going down in a blaze of glory, fuck—oh, fucking hell Keiji and Okuni _were _fucking, and he could hear it—all the blood was drowning Tong's brain, he was scared and his leg was throbbing and as _usual_, fucking Verizon chooses _this_ of all text messages to not send—stupid dead zones! Wasn't Verizon supposed to be the ANTI-DEAD ZONE!

"STRAIGHT UP NOW TELL ME DO YA REALLY WANNA LOVE ME FOREVER," sang Paula Abdul from Tong's phone. Frantically he dug his phone out of his pocket and checked it. He read "WTF" before the phone slipped through his sweaty fingers and fell.

"ARRRRRRRGH!" Tong shouted. "NO! NOOOOOOOOO! COME BAAAAAAAAAAAACK!"

"Hey, shut up!" Keiji yelled from inside. "Unless you want me to go over there and give you a little push!"

"You can give me a _hard_ push!" Okuni, obviously.

"GO TO HELL BOTH OF YOU!" Tong shouted.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Ning looked at his buzzing phone all the way on the other side of the room. He would get it, normally, but that would involve getting _up_, and all that Chinese food was wreaking havoc on his lower intestines.

"Traitor," he said to his stomach, "where's your sense of nationalism!"

Then there was a knock on the door; Ning barely looked up long enough to yell "Nobody's home!" before going back to his previous activity (staring at the TV and hoping it would turn on without him having to get up and look for the remote).

"Tooooooong?" called a girl's voice, "Tong, are you in there, I made dinner for you!"

The word "food" popped into Ning's head, and that was enough to get him off his ass to the front door—"oh, hey, Nene," he said, seeing his best friend's girlfriend at the door, "uhhh, Tong's not here, but you can just leave the food here and I'll make sure he gets it~"

'Make sure he gets it' was code for 'eating it as soon as your domesticated ass GTFO's my doorstep', of course, but Nene didn't have to know that. D

"Why don't I believe you?" asked Nene.

"Because you're not dumb?" Ning guessed.

"Clearly!" said Nene, shaking her head, "what about you, have you eaten dinner today, Ning?"

"If by 'dinner' you mean take-out," said Ning, gesturing over his shoulder at the pile of empty Chinese food boxes.

"Oh, dear!" said Nene, looking worried, "you can't just eat all that!"

"Well my stomach is kinda hurting," said Ning, looking down, "you can't tell under all the muscle but it's pissing me off!"

"You probably have heartburn!" said Nene, setting down the covered casserole dish she'd been carrying and pushing Ning towards the couch, "sit down, put your feet up, it's better for your circulation~"

"Okay?" offered Ning, sitting down and watching Nene as she dug through her purse, "uhhh, what are you—"

"Here you are!" said Nene, fishing out two Tums tablets from her purse, "eat these, okay? They'll settle your stomach!"

Ning wasn't one to deny something edible from a beautiful woman (hence the whole getting roofied by Da Qiao thing), so he shrugged. "You got it," he said agreeably, chomping on the tablets and swallowing, "yum. Was that candy?"

"No, silly, it was _medicine_," said Nene, sitting down, "are you feeling better yet?"

Truthfully speaking Ning _was_, but it had nothing to do with the medicine. "I guess," he said, "why? Am I dying?"

"No!" said Nene, looking aghast—"well technically we're _all_ dying, we come closer to death every day we're alive—" Ning looked horrified and she reached over and patted his hand to calm him down—"but no, you're fine, don't worry!"

Ning nodded, settling back down again—hearing you were about to die was a real way to ruin your day. Also, pretty girl in his house, even though she was covered in Tong germs. Must find way to keep pretty girl in house.

"Well, now that you're feeling better I suppose I should get—"

"NO!" Ning howled, interrupting Nene and making her jump, quite actually—"I mean—you can't go! What if, I, uhh—relapse!"

That was one of the most complicated words Ning had at his disposal, and he'd never been prouder of himself to use it properly in conversation. He was _awesome_. And judging by the look on Nene's face, she was two more big words away from ripping her clothes off and _demanding_ he have his way with her _right now, _Tong be damned—

Oh, man, this was Tong's girlfriend. Fuck. He hated Tong at times like these. And at times like when he vacuumed at 6AM.

Nene, on the other hand, seemed to have bought his ruse—"well, okay!" she said, settling back down on the one-seater, "do you feel any other symptoms?"

"Loneliness?" offered Ning, "I mean—uhh—" Ning's stupid phone went off again, making him curse.

Nene scowled—"don't say that word!" she said, frowning, "is that your phone?"

"Yeah," Ning grumbled, getting up and grabbing it, "hello?"

"NINGTONG''"

Ning held the phone away from his ear, Shang Xiang's shrill wailing enough to make his ears ring—"what?" he asked, "say that again but with less _spaz_, a'ight?"

"TONG'S HANGING OUT OF SOMEONE'S WINDOW!"

"Ow! I'm not _deaf_, quit yellin'!"

"GOD DAMMIT, NING—check your damn text messages!"

Ning shrugged and did so—"oh," he said, after a moment, "Tong's hangin' out of a window, why didn't you say something?"

"I DID, YOU FUCKING IDIOT!"

"Insulting me will get you nowhere!" Ning hung up before Shang Xiang could shrill at him again, and checked the time stamp on that particular text message—"whoa, he's been hangin' for six hours."

(Seven; Ning was bad at math.)

"Who has?" asked Nene, from where she'd been putting parental controls on the TV.

"Uhhh—nobody important," said Ning. Technically, this wasn't a lie; in the big scheme of things Tong was a speck of nothing in the butt crack of the universe's smallest amoeba, so he was good. If there was one thing Ning didn't do it was lie to pretty girls—

Oh, wait, never mind. He did that all the time. Anyway.

"I'll just be leaving, then~" said Nene, jumping up, "don't forget to refrigerate that casserole, you might get food poisoning!"

"I will," Ning promised, grabbing the dish and making his way to the kitchen. Food Tong, always. He waited for Nene go to and locked up behind him, heading downstairs, all the while thinking about all the ways he'd tell Tong what a fucking idiot he was.

xxxxxxxxxxx

Keiji and Okuni laid on the floor in post-coital glee; nothing like makeup sex to get them both in a good mood (considering 50% of the time they had sex it _was_ makeup sex, after all). "Ready fer another round?" Keiji asked Okuni, grinning. Okuni giggled.

Tong was now trying to pull his leg _free_, so he could _kill himself already_—he'd had sex with Okuni so he knew the weird noises _she_ made, but Keiji was just odd, and after the fourth round he was really hoping they would STOP ALREADY. That didn't seem to be on the agenda, _apparently_.

There was a knock on the door, interrupting Keiji and Okuni's googly-eye fest. "Who could that be?" asked Okuni.

"Better not be some boyfriend," Keiji grumbled, "it yer roommate, maybe?"

"Perhaps it's Nene," mused Okuni, "well, go ahead and open the door, darling~"

Keiji looked down at his naked self and wisely decided to put on pants. Didn't want to make the visitor _jealous_, of course D

Waiting at the door was Ning, and the moment the door opened, KAPOWIE. Ning punched Keiji in the face.

"Fuck you!" he said, pushing past Keiji, "oi, Tong, where the fuck're you?"

"Right here, next to the other leg hanging out of the window," called Tong.

Okuni squawked and pulled a blanket up over herself—"you can't just barge in here!"

"I didn't. I knocked," answered Ning, "99% of home invasions happen when the guy _knocks_, lady!"

(Whether or not this statistic is true is up in the air; the narration just made it up on the fly.)

Keiji gritted his teeth, getting back to his feet, and lunged at Ning, and the two of them rolled around in a muscley pit of angry men, and finally—"HA!" said Ning, jumping up and laughing at Keiji, who was on the ground knocked out cold, "I WIN! Gan Ning never loses a fight, loser!" He glared at Okuni and crossed over to the window.

Tong had some idea of what was going on, but not enough to actually know what was going on; he finally yelled "HELP!".

"Tong, what the fuck are you doing?" Ning asked, looking down at him.

"Oh, y'know," Tong answered, looking up at him, "just hangin' around…"

"That was so lame I should let you _fall_," Ning threatened.

"What? NO!"

Ning glanced over—Keiji was still OHKO'd and Okuni was still tending to him, he had a few minutes. "While we're at it, buddy ol' pal," he began, "I think we need to have a _talk_…"

"About _what_! Help me!"

"How about that unfortunate habit o' yours, vacuuming the bathroom at 6AM on a Saturday!"

"What about it!"

"I don't think you're gonna be doing it much longer," Ning said easily, "'cause unless you swear on your face not smashing into the ground that you're not gonna do it anymore…"

"I SWEAR!" Tong howled, "just help me up already!"

"What other annoyin' little things do you do… hmmmm…"

"NING EITHER HELP ME OR LET ME FALL TO MY DEATH I'D RATHER BE DEAD THAN SIT HERE HEARING ALL THE WAYS YOU'RE GOING TO OWN ME FOR THE REST OF MY NATURAL LIFE!" Tong shouted, frustrated, "you asshole, I wouldn't do this to you!"

"You sure as hell would!" said Ning, scowling, "what about that time you wouldn't let me off the fuckin' roller coaster when I had to take a shit until I swore I wouldn't miss the toilet seat anymore!"

"That's different! You weren't gonna _die_ from that! HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"

"I woulda suffered kidney failure!"

"You don't even know where your kidneys _are_!"

"I don't think you're in a position to be slingin' insults!"

"HEEELP! SHANG XIANG HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!"

"She ain't coming, she's with her _boyfriend_," said Ning, rolling his eyes, "all you gotta do is swear to stop being annoyin' and I'll help you up! What's so hard about that?"

"I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN GROVEL TO YOU, YOU—wait, Shang Xiang has a _what!_?"

"See, you're deaf _and _you're an idiot, you'd be better off goin' splat~"

"SHUT UP! What'd you say!"

"She's got some boyfriend now, he came by with the food and she basically peed on his leg and marked her territory," said Ning, bored, "now either lemme push you or fall yourself, I'm gettin' bored!"

"GOD DAMMIT, NING—if I survive this I'm going to find a way to take it out on you!"

"Oh, gee, I'm so scared," said Ning, "this comin' from the wimp who's hanging upside down from a freakin' building!"

"SHUT UP!"

"Not to mention the guy who cries when he hears that Offspring song!"

"SHUT UP!"

"_NOW DANCE, FUCKER, DANCE, YOU NEVER HAD A CHAAAAAAAAANCE~"_

"NING I MEAN IT, I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!"

"_WITH A THOUSAND LIES AND A GOOD DISGUISE, HIT 'EM RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYEEEEEEES_~"

"I am going to fuck you UP between the eyes if you don't help me!"

"Ew!"

"Get your fucking head out of the gutter!"

"Get my fucking leg outta this windowsill and then we'll talk about the gutter!"

"Gimme $20!"

"WHAT! No! You can't fucking hold _me_ for ransom!"

"Then have a nice fall!"

"WHAT! No! I'll pay I'll pay I'll pay!"

"That's what I thought you said," said Ning cheerfully, and grabbed Tong's leg, pushed the windowsill up enough, and pulled him back inside (taking care to ensure he bashed his face up on the windowsill on his way back up, of course). "I'm such a good person—OW!"

Tong had punched him in the face. "Asshole!"

"OW!" shouted Ning, stumbling around, "you're the asshole, I can't fucking see!"

Tong rolled his eyes. "I don't know about _you_, but I am fucking leaving. BYE." He stomped over towards Okuni, grabbed the pile of chemistry paperwork off the table, made a face at her, and stomped off.

"Well," said Okuni, smiling at Ning, "anyone who could beat my Keiji really _must_ be strong!"

"Sorry, but my heart belongs to another," Ning informed her, and quickly scurried out the door. _Must fight temptation! Nene! Must save self for Nene!_

xxxxxxx

"I still can't believe you ere hangin' upside down for six hours," Ning snorted, as he and Tong left the girls' dormitory building and headed for the boys', "man you're dumb~"

"Shut up!" Tong grumbled, "he caught me off guard! And if it wasn't for my thigh muscles being as hard as rocks I'd be _dead_!"

"Add 'your thighs' to the list of 'things I don't ever want to hear about again'," said Ning, rolling his eyes—"incoming!"

"Huh?" asked Tong, just in time to be caught off-guard by a Shang Xiang torpedo, "oof!"

"TONG!" Shang Xiang said, hugging him tightly, "are you okay!"

"Yeah, just fine," said Tong, giving her a quick squeeze, and noticing some redhead behind her, glaring suspiciously.

Mitsunari made a face. This was probably the guy he was being used by Shang Xiang to make jealous, but as long as he got free food (and boob) he didn't much care. Although, however, the urge to cause trouble was rising D

"Hello," said Mitsunari, smirking as he sauntered over, "Shang Xiang, who's your friend?"

"You know who I am!" complained Ning.

"Not you, you inbred—" Mitsunari shook his head.

"Oh," said Shang Xiang, detaching herself from Tong long enough to look awkwardly between the two of them, "um, Mitsunari, this is Ling Tong—Tong this is my boyfriend Mitsunari Ishida."

Her _what_! squawked a voice inside Tong's head—he hoped the o_O expression on his face wasn't terribly obvious as he plastered a smile on his face and nodded. "Uh, right," he said, nodding, "uhhh, nice to meet you?"

"Sure, sure," said Mitsunari easily, plopping his hand on Shang Xiang's ass, "well, I should probably get going…"

"You should," Tong said through gritted teeth, "I mean—yeah, bye."

"Bye, Mitsunari," said Shang Xiang, giving him a smile and a half-wave, "see you tomorrow?"

"Sure," said Mitsunari, sighing, "After all I don't have a _job_, or anything—"

Shang Xiang glanced over at Tong in the corner of her eye—was he paying attention _at all_! She reached for Mitsunari, got a handful of his black shirt, and kissed him.

Normally Mitsunari would have said something sarcastic, but hey, action~ he grabbed Shang Xiang's hips and pulled her closer. Tong stopped examining his phone for scratches long enough to look up, and his eyes widened.

Not like, falling out of his head widened, but enough to make his mouth hang agape. He wasn't jealous, of course—that would be dumb—but… he didn't _think_ Shang Xiang was the type to go around kissing boys she barely _knew_, was she!

"What'd you look so constipated for?" asked Ning, smirking, "you _jealous_?"

"No!" hissed Tong, scowling, "I have a girlfriend!"

"Rub it in my face, why don't you!" Ning grumbled.

Shang Xiang pulled back, after a moment, blushing all over. She'd never kissed a guy who wasn't—well, _Tong_ before, and it felt kind of weird. Mitsunari smirked again. "See ya~" he said, waving over his shoulder, and sauntered off.

Ning looked between Tong, who just looked scowly, and Shang Xiang, who looked embarrassed but smug at the same time. Awkward~

"See you guys later," Shang Xiang said, finally, and went past them back to her dorm.

"So," said Ning, after she was gone, "nice night, huh?"

"Shut up," Tong grumbled.

xxxxxxxxxx

"Now, now, Keiji, what _have_ I told you about losing your head and getting your behind handed to you in the thick of battle?" Okuni reprimanded, wiping at one of Keiji's cuts with a Bactine-doused cotton ball.

"YEOOOOOW," wailed Keiji—"I dunno, somethin' about not doin' it?"

Okuni sighed. "Be more careful next time?"

"I will," Keiji promised, "see, baby, I just can't do it without you, y'know?" He gave her a winning smile.

Okuni smiled despite herself, smoothing Keiji's hair—"And I can't do much of anything without you, I'm afraid," she said, covering his hand with one of hers, "promise me you won't look at other girls?"

"You got it!" said Keiji, "I'll do anythin' to keep you by my side, baby~"

"Oh, Keiji!" Okuni beamed. "I'm just not myself without you, you understand…"

"I understand _this_," said Keiji cheerfully, picking her up and tossing her over his shoulder, "yer roomies home?"

"No, Nene's off god-knows-where and I have no idea where that terrible brat Kunoichi is, nor do I care where Ina might be," said Okuni, brightly, "Keiji, Keiji, _Keiji_, there really isn't another guy like you~"

"And how would you know _that_?" Keiji asked suspiciously.

"What do you mean?" asked Okuni, feigning innocence.

"I mean—oh, forget it," said Keiji, dropping Okuni on her bed, "you're _my_ baby, it doesn't matter!"

"Oh Keiji—" Okuni's eyes suddenly widened seeing Toshiie's letter jacket hanging on her desk chair (he'd been in here earlier, he wasn't _her _Maeda but he was ridiculously attractive and _single_). The white letters spelling out "Maeda" on the back were clear as day—as long as she could _keep Keiji distracted_, he might not see it—

"What's that?" Keiji asked suspiciously, following Okuni's gaze.

Okuni made a face. Dammit. "Now, Keiji, don't get upset," she began.

"Upset? UPSET! I'm not _upset_, I'm fuckin' pissed—you—why's my damn goody-goody uncle's jacket in here!" demanded Keiji.

Keiji's dad, Toshinaga Maeda, was 30 years older than his younger brother, Toshiie; Toshinaga and Keiji's mother had Keiji a _year_ before Grandma and Grandpa Maeda had Toshiie. Toshiie had been a 'miracle baby', or, in other words, 'I thought you hit menopause already!'.

In short, Keiji was a year older than Toshiie, but he was still his nephew.

"We were broken up at the time! I owe you no explanation!" said Okuni firmly. "I am innocent until proven guilty~"

"You ain't neither! That jacket's guilty enough!" Keiji argued.

"How many girls have _you_ been with since we broke up!" Okuni demanded hotly, "it's always like this with _you_, as long as you can get away with it, you do it! Luckily, I always have a way of finding out!"

"I don't know what yer talkin' about!" grumbled Keiji.

"I don't want to have this conversation right now!" said Okuni firmly, "either accept the fact that there are other attractive, muscular, naked skeletons in my closet, or go away!"

Keiji grumbled, scowling. "I don't wanna go away!"

"And I don't want you to, either," said Okuni sweetly, "Keiji, darling, we love each other, isn't that enough?"

"I s'pose," said Keiji reluctantly, "I just don't like knowin' other people've—you know! I like you bein' _mine_!"

"And I _like_ being yours!" said Okuni, "stop giving me reasons not to be!"

"Right!" said Keiji cheerfully, "a'ight, too much talkin', now it's sex time!" He grinned and dropped down on top of her on all fours, kissing her. Okuni wiggled around and worked the fingers of her right hand through his long, shaggy blonde hair, and—

And since the author does not want to write Keiji/Okuni porn as much as you, the reader, does not want to _read it_, she declares a scene skip to go into effect now.

No, _now._

NOW!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

_The next day…_

"NING, HAVE YOU SEEN THE REMOTE!" Tong shouted.

"No," said Ning, walking into the living room with a large carton of Tropicana orange juice in hand, "why?"

Tong gave him a look. "Why else would I be looking for the remote!"

Ning looked at the TV. "So… instead of getting up to change the fucking channel, you turn our fucking living room upside down!"

"Yes?" said Tong, rolling his eyes and turning back to his previous activity (turning the living room upside down in search for the remote).

Ning rolled his eyes, taking a gulp of the OJ. "And people say I'm the dumb one."

"What's that in your hand?" Tong asked suspiciously.

Ning looked. "Orange juice?"

"Did you just drink off that!" Tong squawked.

"Yes?" Ning made a face. "The hell, why're we playin' twenty questions?"

"WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU THAT'S NOT YOUR OWN PRIVATE ORANGE JUICE!" Tong exploded, "god dammit!"

Ning shrugged. "It is now."

Tong scowled, facepalming. He turned his back on Ning and kept looking through the cushions.

Ning, however, was looking at the remote, currently stuffed in the back pocket of Tong's cargo shorts (no, slash fangirls, he is not ogling Tong's ass in some lustful urge to throw him on the couch and have his wicked way with him, get your heads out of the gutter). "Oi, genius, you check your pockets?" he asked mildly, taking another swig of the juice.

"No," said Tong shortly.

"I would suggest doing so," said Ning.

"Fuck you, Ning," Tong answered, tipping the couch over.

"No, seriously," said Ning. "Check your fucking pocket."

Tong scowled and turned around furiously. "Don't you fucking tell me where to look for the remote, you OJ-hogging bastard," he said angrily, "next you're gonna tell me it's—"

The remote fell out of Tong's pocket, hit the floor, and broke.

Tong looked down. "Shit."

"Now don't you feel dumb," said Ning cheerfully, "and speakin' of which, you're more pissy and spastic than usual today, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a _problem_," said Tong, looking annoyed as he picked up the pieces of the remote, "I'm going out with Nene later but that's not a _bad_ thing…"

Ning made a face. It's bad enough the selfish bastard's got Nene all to himself but he has to dangle it over my head too! Asshole.

"What's that face for?" Tong asked curiously, "you swallow something toxic in that OJ?"

"Nothing," Ning scowled, deciding that yes, killing Tong to have Nene all to himself was a _bad_ idea…

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Okuni woke up the next morning well-rested, naked, and snuggled up in Keiji's arms. All in all it was a wonderful way to start the morning~

"Mornin', baby," Keiji greeted, dropping a kiss to the top of her head, "sleep well?"

"I did," said Okuni, smiling, "have you been awake for long, dear?"

"Not too long, just like fifteen minutes'r so," said Keiji, sitting up and grinning at her, "y'hungry?"

"Keiji are you offering to _make me breakfast_!" asked Okuni, beaming, "I didn't know you could cook!"

"Well, I didn't want to tell you this, but—" Okuni paused for dramatic tension—"Keiji, I'm _pregnant_!"

"You're _what_!" Keiji demanded.

"Pregnant, it means I'm having a—"

"I know what it _means_! It was on that word-a-day calendar Toshiie got me for m'birthday—no, you're _what_! How are you—_that_!" Keiji squawked, forgetting about their rather active sex life when he was all flustered.

"Well, Keiji, when a man and a woman get very, very horny—"

"I KNOW HOW IT HAPPENS! I mean—how did you, _Okuni_, get yourself all—ohhhh dammit this'd better not be a joke! I'm being Punk'd, aren't I!" Keiji looked pretty damn pissed off.

"Keiji calm yourself! You are not being _Punk_'_d_, that show's been cancelled for years now—do you really think I would joke about this!" Okuni wailed, "it's bad enough _my life is over_, but now you turn on me too!"

"Yer right," said Keiji, taking a deep breath, "s' my kid in there, I gotta calm down—Okuni, I'm sorry, baby, y'just caught me by surprise, y'know?"

Okuni had fallen silent.

Keiji caught this. "…it is _mine_, right? RIGHT!"

"…there's a good chance it is…"

"WHAT!" squawked Keiji—"OKUNI!"

"What!" Okuni asked, frowning, "you don't own me, Keiji, we had this discussion last night! When we're broken up I can do whatever I want with whomever I want! And yes, even your sweet, handsome uncle!"

Keiji groaned. "Then—then—then who _else_ could it be!"

Okuni paused, for a moment. "Ummm… well, let's see," she sighed, beginning to tick off on her fingers, "it could be… no, not _just_ him, ummm… there are about… five suspects?"

"FIVE!" squawked Keiji.

"Six, six, my bad, I forgot to count you~!"

"ARRRRRRGH!"

"Keiji calm down _immediately_," Okuni ordered sharply, "you acting like a two-year-old is not helping things _at all_!"

"How'm I supposed to react!" demanded Keiji, "dammit, Okuni! I sure hope it's _mine_!"

"I do too!" said Okuni miserably—"wait, if I'm _pregnant_, that means I get new _clothes_!" She smiled. Maybe this whole 'being pregnant' thing wouldn't suck after all~!

Actually, come to think of it, Keiji had no idea what he wanted to do when he got out of college. She didn't remember the two other guys she'd slept with recently, they weren't main characters. Toshiie wanted to be a—what was it again? She forgot. But Tong wanted to be a _doctor…_

Okuni was the type of woman not above impregnating herself to mooch off the rich baby daddy for years to come. A plan began to formulate in her mind (ignoring Keiji's wailings, of course).

xxxxxxxxx

Aaaaand done. Arghhhh this chapter made me want to tear my face off in frustration, but if you guys liked it it'll be worth it. Or something.


	12. Daddy C and Shitsunari

Chapter 12. :P

xxxxxxxx

_Early in the mooooooooooornin'…_

"_Just take them old records off the shelf! I'll sit'n listen to 'em by myself!_"

Ning had, for some strange reason, woken up around 6AM. He'd been up for about an hour already, so now he wasn't just awake, he was parading around the living room singing, and—oooh, he was _hungry_, he felt like eating the breakfast of a _champ_—"Oi, Tong, I'm hungry!" he shouted.

No response. Ning grumbled under his breath—stupid Tong! He decided to let him off the hook for once, and made his way towards the kitchen, still singing and dancing around.

"_Today's music ain't got the same souuuuuul~ I like that old time rock'n'roll_!"

Kitchen! Food, food, food, food—

"_Don't try to take me to a disc_—OOOOOOW!" Right in mid-word, Ning's socks lost traction on the freshly waxed kitchen floor, and he skidded, fell on his ass, and hit his head on the counter.

"OW!" he said, again, in case people on the other side of the campus hadn't heard him shouting, "DAMMIT, TONG!"

The empty Swiffer box in the trash was evidence enough; stupid Tong and his cleaning fetish! Ooooh, he'd get him—Ning stormed back down the hall and furiously banged his fists on the closed door. "TONG OPEN THE FUCK UP!"

Getting no response, Ning scowled, trying the doorknob—oh, it was open. Score. He stomped into Tong's room and—tripped over the vacuum cleaner cord and stumbled a few feet before toppling onto Tong's bed.

Oh, of course I finally land on a _bed_ and I land on stupid _Tong_. Ning chose to yell, rather than lament his fate—"TONG GET UP!" he shouted, an inch from his best friend's face, sitting up enough to _not_ get a face-full of Tong's morning breath when he finally woke his dumb ass up.

Anyone watching this scene from afar would wonder what the hell Ning was doing on his hands and knees on top of Tong, but, uh, whatever.

"TOOOOOOOOOOOONG!"

Tong finally woke up, finally, and the first thing one likes to see when they wake up usually isn't Ning (the narration would normally argue here, but she's having a Toshiie Gan Ning moment so she chooses to let this one go). He looked blankly at Ning's position on top of him—for lack of a better description, laments the narration—and looked back up at Ning.

"I'm calling the cops," he said, finally, reaching for his cell phone.

"Oh shut the fuck up! You did it again!" said Ning furiously, batting Tong's hand away from his cell.

"What'd I do now? Forget to lock my bedroom door?" Tong grumbled.

"No! You went and mopped the stupid floor!"

"So?"

"So stop doing it!"

"Stop missing your damn mouth when you eat, and I will!"

"Put up a fucking sign or something!"

"No! Get your food in your mouth!"

It was almost 8AM, so it was about time for Ce's daily visit, and sure enough a familiar shape was blocking the light from the doorframe.

"Just when my life can't get any _better_!" said Tong sarcastically, "get lost, Ce!"

"Is that any way to talk to your—" Ce hit the light, and his face turned into this "D:" face. "NING!" he shouted.

"What?" Ning asked, confused.

"_Him too_!" Ce demanded, "You gotta scar _him_ for life too!"

"What?" Ning asked again, still confused—then comprehension dawned on his stupid, stupid brain, and he looked outraged. "EW! Don't be disgusting, not in a million years!"

"Thanks a lot," said Tong, looking irritated, "GET OFF ME!"

"You gotta get your dumb special Ning crap all over everyone in this school!" Ce complained, gesturing wildly, "I still can't sleep at night without checking under my bed!"

"With pleasure! And shaddap, Ce!" Ning grumbled. "The only special thing in this room is _you_!"

"And the giant gay elephant in the room," said Tong, rolling his eyes.

"SHUT UP!" said Ning and Ce in unison, and they looked at each other in horror—"Stop saying everything I say! I'm not doing it on purpose! I—you—ARRRGH!"

Tong rolled his eyes. He hated his life.

xxxxxxxx

_A couple hours later…_

"What're you schemin'?" Keiji asked suspiciously, eying his girlfriend.

"Me!" gasped Okuni, looking horrified, "I'm hardly scheming!"

"Then what're you writin' over there?" He gestured to the flower-pattern notebook Okuni was feverishly writing in. "And why all the colors?"

Okuni frowned. "Keiji, I'm not just your _girlfriend _any more, I'm your baby mama, and I insist upon a certain level of trust and respect!"

"S'that what you said b'fore you fucked my damn uncle?" Keiji asked sourly, crushing the can of soda he'd been nursing for the past hour in his mighty fist.

"That's none of your business," Okuni answered, tucking a piece of her dark hair behind her ear and returning her attention to her notebook. "Now, let's see here…"

"What?"

"I wasn't talking to _you_, Keiji!"

"Then who were ya talkin' to?"

"…all right, if you're going to be in a terrible mood all day, I'll tell you! This is a list of every man I've ever slept with, and the exact number of times, and whether or not our sex was protected or not—"

Keiji looked horrified. "And you can't remember where you put your car keys!"

Okuni rolled her eyes and continued. "Going by this list, and as you'll notice, it's color coded—you're clearly the father, Keiji."

"Oh. S'good, I guess," said Keiji, "so, uh, why can't we just, uh, do the fraternity test thing?"

"Paternity," Okuni corrected, "and because it's expensive, dear."

"Right," said Keiji, looking confused.

Okuni frowned, studying her notebook. "What's Toshiie studying?" she asked off-handedly.

"I dunno," said Keiji, scratching his head.

"You're not very close to him, are you?" Okuni asked.

"Not really, if it wasn't f'r our ridiculous family resemblance I wouldn't think we were related…" Keiji mused thoughtfully.

(Toshiie and Keiji looked nothing alike.)

Okuni seemed to be biting back a response to that one. "Yes, whatever you say, dear," she said, "Keiji, I'm going to need you to promise me something, okay?"

"…what?" Keiji asked, suspicious again.

"That you're not going to tell anyone!" said Okuni firmly, "absolutely no one!"

"People're gonna find out," Keiji pointed out.

"Yes, well, I will deal with that when the time comes," Okuni said shortly, "_nobody_!"

"Yeah, yeah," Keiji grumbled.

xxxxxxxxxx

_The same time as the previous scene…_

"Toooooong, guess what?" called Shang Xiang, waving a stack of envelopes in her right hand as she came inside the Tong/Ning dorm.

"I can only imagine," Tong grumbled, rolling his eyes, "what?"

"You got two tickets to go skydiving!" said Shang Xiang, dropping the pile of mail on Tong's lap.

"I did? How do you—"

"_HEY HEY YOU YOU I DON'T LIKE YOUR _~"

"What the heck is that?" Shang Xiang asked, scratching her head.

Tong rolled his eyes. "Ning tried some stupid hair thing out, it messed his hair up, and he's been in the shower for two hours trying to fix it. And he's got that stupid Ashlee Simpson song stuck in his head."

"That's not Ashlee Simpson, that's Avril Lavigne," Shang Xiang corrected.

Tong shrugged. "No difference. NING SHUT UP!"

"_I THINK YOU NEED A NEW ONE—HEY HEY YOU YOU I COULD BE YOUR GIRLLLLL_—what?"

"I SAID SHUT UP," Tong bellowed, Shang Xiang trying not to laugh.

"Don't you think I'd like to! I got this stupid fucking song stuck in my head!"

"I didn't say get it out of your head! I just said shut up!"

"If I wasn't wet and naked right now I'd pound you into the ground—WAIT THAT CAME OUT WRONG! ARGHHHHH!"

Tong looked absolutely disgusted. "Pardon me for sounding like the broken record here, but _why haven't I killed him in his sleep yet_!" he hissed at Shang Xiang.

"Because with your rotten luck you'd get caught, stuck with a first-degree-murder charge, and locked up in a rape jail for the rest of your life?" Shang Xiang offered.

Tong shuddered. "Right. I'll settle for taping his mouth shut."

"I CAN HEAR YOU!"

"Then I'll tape your ears too!" He rolled his eyes. "Anyway, what was it you were saying, skydiving tickets?"

"Huh?" asked Shang Xiang, "oh, right, uhh—you got tickets, to go skydiving. I dunno how."

"I did?" Tong asked, and looked at the envelope—"why has this been _opened_?"

"Uhhhh," said Shang Xiang, flushing, "I don't know?"

"I told you if I caught you reading my mail again I'd lock you in a room with Ning," Tong said threateningly, pulling out the letter attached to the envelope—"'Dear Tong, you have been gifted a free set of skydiving tickets! May you and a loved one enjoy your trip! Sincerely yours, your friends at .' I have friends at ? That combines my two childhood fears of falling and leaping out of a moving aircraft!"

"Well, that's weird," said Shang Xiang, "who the hell would send you skydiving tickets?"

"Maybe if they overlooked my hideous face and revolting personality they might take pity on me long enough to send me a present?" Tong asked, rolling his eyes—"oh, look, there's a note. "'Dear Tong, Happy Birthday, love Dad.' What the hell!"

"Maybe your dad thinks you need to get out more?" Shang Xiang guessed.

"Either that or he figured I'd take _him_," Tong grumbled. He flipped over the back of the card. "'P.S. If you don't want to use the tickets, your elderly father and his new girlfriend would be more than willing to take them off your hands. Love, Daddy.' Well, fuck _him_, now I'm going just so he _can't_!" He smiled affirmatively.

"Have I ever told you how much I like jumping out of planes?" Shang Xiang asked, her green eyes all bright and oddly creepy looking.

Tong, mildly creeped out like he always got when Shang Xiang went all creepy-stalker on him, smiled nervously. "Uhh—you might have brought it up in conversation," he offered weakly, "uhh—so, um, how's Shitsunari—I mean, um, Mitsunari?"

"Who?" asked Shang Xiang, "OH—you mean my boyfriend who I am dearly in love with? He's fine, he had to do something. Or something. He said something, I don't remember what."

"You guys don't talk much, huh?" Tong asked.

"No," said Shang Xiang, "he's such a good kisser it's almost a shame to not do that~"

Tong hoped his facial expression clearly read 'I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT RIGHT NOW'. Shang Xiang, either being oblivious or chattering on to spite him, continued, going on about Mitsunari's penis size or something, Tong wasn't listening—

"Your fly's down," Shang Xiang noticed suddenly.

Tong looked, and groaned—"dammit," he said, fiddling with the zipper, "I hate this thing—arghhhh—"

"You'll doing it wrong," said Shang Xiang, batting his hands away and pulling the zipper up herself, causing Tong to blush. Shang Xiang looked up at him, met his eye and turned red herself, immediately looking away, and yuuuup this was awkward~

"Does my hair still look blonde? I think I got all that shit out of—what the _fuck_?"

And then, something Tong never in a million years would've thought would ever pass through his brain _did _pass through his brain. A thought, so rare that it deserves to be written in capital letters—THANK GOD NING'S HERE!

"Am I interrupting something?" Ning asked, smirking.

"Uhh—" Tong and Shang Xiang looked at each other and offered Ning a weak smile.

Ning rolled his eyes. "Y'got a bedroom," he pointed out.

"And you have clothes, go put some on!" Tong grumbled, gesturing at Shang Xiang.

Ning looked down at himself. "What? I got pants on!"

"Huh?" asked Shang Xiang, distracted by muuuuuscles—sure Ning was _like_ her brother, but he _wasn't_ so it was safe to ogle his delicious-looking muscles as long as she ignored the whole Ning thing—"oh, uhh, I'll go, I'm gonna be late to class anyway—bye!" And she ran off.

"She's nuts," Ning decided, wandering into the kitchen to go get something to eat.

"Thanks for showing up when you did," Tong said dryly.

"What, you two fightin' or something?"

"No, shit just got awkward." Tong scratched the back of his head.

"Hence why I don't bother with deep insightful relationships," Ning agreed sagely, scratching his chest. "Any reason she was, uh—"

"She was fixing my zipper," Tong grumbled, "not whatever it was you thought she was doing!"

"She was? Did a shitty job of it, your fly's down," Ning informed him.

"What!" Tong demanded, looking—"arghhh!"

"You know, you really should sort through those personal issues of yours," Ning commented, going through the fridge.

"And you really should put some pants on," Tong grumbled, fiddling with the zipper again, "I hate these things!"

"Aren't those the pants your dad got you—"

"YES! I hate you Dad!"

"Like hell! Your dad's awesome, he lets me eat at your place whenever," said Ning, making a face.

"Because he likes you more than he likes me!"

"No, that's not—okay, yeah, it is," said Ning agreeably, "your dad's cool, I didn't think he'd get over me hittin' him with that tractor!"

"And reversing to make sure you got the 'weed' again," Tong said, rolling his eyes, "my dad's an idiot."

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much," said Ning, "while you're busy standin' there doin' nothing, mouth agape, why don't you make yourself useful and make me some lunch?"

"Fuck you!"

"That kind of language is just fuckin' unacceptable!"

xxxxxxxxxx

_About an hour later…_

"Psst."

"PSST."

"PSSSSSSSSSST."

"WHAT!" Tong bellowed, turning around and holding off on the urge to strangle Magoichi.

Magoichi looked affronted. Dr. Akeichi turned around, looking annoyed.

"Please don't do that," he said, returning to whatever he was writing on the board. Tong rolled his eyes and glared at Magoichi.

Magoichi smiled innocently. "I just wanted to tell you your fly was down," he said loudly. A couple people giggled.

Tong looked, and groaned—"dammit!" he complained, fiddling with it, "stupid thing!" He turned back around.

"Psst."

Tong's eye twitched.

"PSST."

Tong was shaking with fury trying to ignore Magoichi.

Ning, always helpful, poked Tong in the shoulder. "Oi," he said, "Magoichi wants ya~"

"In a non sexual way," added Magoichi.

"The fact that you had to specify creeps me the fuck out," Ning informed Magoichi, "oi, Tong, y'deaf?"

Tong was mentally murdering both his roommate and Magoichi in interesting fashions; he finally turned around and glared at Magoichi. "What!"

"Don't forget to study for the test next Tuesday," said Magoichi brightly.

"If I wanted a personal assistant I'd _hire one_," Tong grumbled.

"Just lookin' out for ya, buddy," said Magoichi cheerfully.

Tong scowled. "No, you just want to cheat off my paper."

"And we both saw how the 'get every question wrong just so Mago fails too' plan worked out," Magoichi said agreeably.

"BOTH OF YOU, STOP TALKING," said Dr. Akeichi, losing his patience.

"Huh?" Tong asked.

"Tong, I mean it, one more distraction and you're out of here!"

"Magoichi started it!" Tong defended lamely.

"I don't care who started it! It's _your_ mouth I'm hearing!"

"You can't hear my _mouth_! It's my _voice_ you're hearing!" Tong objected, before he could stop himself.

"You shouldn't have said that," Ning informed him in a low voice.

"The smartass schtick isn't funny, Tong," Dr. Akeichi said, scowling, "if you're trying to be an attention whore to get attention, it's working, and it's pissing me off. Shut. Up."

"I'm not being an attention whore! Magoichi was bugging me! Ning, tell 'im!"

"Huh?" Ning asked, having already stopped paying attention. Tong scowled.

"This isn't a court of law! Cease interrupting my lecture or I'm docking 50 points off your test by default!"

Tong groaned loudly, but made with the STFU. Dr. Akeichi went back to writing whatever he was writing on the board.

"I'm confused," said Ning, staring at the board.

"I'm Tong," Tong answered, rolling his eyes, "shut up!"

"Someone's bein' a crybaby today," said Ning, making a face, "what's got your panties in a twist?"

"I think some people have mental issues they need to sort out," said Magoichi, shaking his head, winking at the girl sitting a couple rows from him (who proceeded to flip him off). He winced.

Tong, not about to _talk_, instead scrawled 'I CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU ASSHOLES' and flashed it at Ning and Magoichi, in that order. Ning scowled and Magoichi looked appalled.

"Gee, Ning, I think we need to find another way of communicating, I think _some people _are eavesdropping!" said Magoichi loudly.

"Yeah, man," agreed Ning, "some _losers_ who can't pay attention to their own shit and they have to stick their faces in _my_ business—what're we talking about?"

Magoichi groaned. He turned around and caught the eye—literally, the guy only _had_ one eye—of the guy sitting two desks away from him. "Hey, man, you're one handsome fella," he commented, "you wanna be my wingman?"

"I want as little to do with you as possible," said Dun through gritted teeth.

Magoichi sighed, going back to looking at his notes. Maybe he should pay attention—bored now. He went back to his favorite pastime; bothering Tong. "Psst. Psst. PSSSSSSSSSSST."

Tong was digging his fingernails into his fists, nearly drawing blood, but he was not going to talk to that idiot. Not going to talk to him. Not. Going. To. Talk. To. Him.

Magoichi sighed, deciding to give up. Well, time to find another hobby. He looked at the kid sitting next to him. "So what's your grade like in this class?" he began, but Tong turned around.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU _IDIOT_! YOU'RE WORSE THAN NING AND CE ARE—IF ALL OF NING AND CE'S GAY AWKWARD TENSION IN THE ROOM MANIFESTED INTO SOME GAY AWKWARD LOVE CHILD, IT WOULD _STILL_ BE LESS ANNOYING THAN YOU! SHUT UP!"

"But I wasn't even talking to you," said Magoichi innocently, while Ning tried to explain to everyone who would listen that Tong was talking about _another_ Ning. Tong's enraged expression turned into "D:". And he turned around.

"So, Tong," began Dr. Akeichi, "I think you'd better study pretty damn hard for that test on Tuesday, considering that little outburst just cost you 50 points right off the bat…"

Tong howled in frustration. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

xxxxxxxxxxxx

_Twenty minutes later…_

"Hey, Tong," Ce said glumly.

Tong had been walking past the couch when he jumped and turned to glare at Ce. "What are you doing in here!"

"Do we have to go through this every time I show up in your dorm?" asked Ce.

Tong groaned, loudly. "Just—what now, Ce?"

"I'm sad," Ce explained, gesturing to the football tapes he was watching on the TV.

"You know what would make you feel better?"

"Winning a game for once?"

"No. Going home, and annoying _your_ roommate!"

Ce gave the classic Sun Family pouty face. Tong groaned and flopped down on the couch next to him. "What're we watching?"

"Tapes of past games," complained Ce, "see, look—" He hit rewind on the remote and replayed a particularly nasty tackle.

"I'm the one getting tackled," he clarified.

Tong winced. "Remind me why I never got into football."

"Because you're a sissy?" Ce offered, and frowned when Tong offered him a nasty gesture as a rebuttal. "That's just uncalled for, man!"

"Shaddap," Tong grumbled, "so what're you watching this crap for anyway?"

"To see where I went wrong in life," said Ce, rewinding again, and wincing—"man, every time I see this thing my leg starts throbbin' like a—"

"OKAY," Tong said loudly, "why don't you just, I don't know, _play better_?"

"Easier said than done!" complained Ce, "doesn't help that nobody cares anymore since we suck so bad!"

It was true. You couldn't give away tickets to see the Florida University Kamikazes. Not because they sucked—which they did, of course. No, they didn't just suck; they sucked on ice. They took suck to a whole new level. They sucked like a two dollar prostitute on Black Friday, located at the biggest pedestrian intersection in the most prostitute-friendly city in America.

Anyway, Tong—who didn't like football, ever since his father signed him up for some kiddie league when he was a freshman in high school and he got tackled across the field—didn't much care for the plight of the Kamikazes. However, Ce was one of his best friends, and, despite all the horrible things they said to each other, he didn't like seeing him so down.

"You're really beat up about this, huh?" he asked, glancing over at Ce.

"You can say that again," Ce complained, "I'm sick of losing! I've been on this team for the past four years and we've never won a single game!"

"You'd think cheerleaders yelling 'Don't you want to fuck us' would be a good distraction for the opposing team," Tong commented dryly, "look, Ce, what's the big deal, s'not like high school when you were trying to get a football scholarship!"

"Yeah, but I'm on the team, I hate doing something and not bein' great at it," Ce grumbled. Which made sense; as long as Tong'd known Ce, he'd wanted to be the best at everything (except, of course, school).

"Anyway, that's what's draggin' my life through the gutter, that and Da's whole purity ring thing, she's tryin' to rope me into it now," said Ce gloomily, "what's up with you?"

"Well, other than Nene _insisting_ on double dating with Shang Xiang and her new boyfriend—"

"SHANG XIANG HAS A BOYFRIEND!" Ce squawked, spraying soda all over his lap—"SINCE WHEN! I don't approve! No douchebag guy is allowed to date my baby sister _ever_!"

"Ce, calm down, she doesn't even like 'im," said Tong, rolling his eyes. Ce's explosion, however, was serving as a good reminder as to WHY he was never going to date Shang Xiang unless he ever developed some kind of overwhelming love for her that was strong enough to withstand getting the shit kicked out of him by Ce (and Quan) every day for the rest of his life.

"ANYWAY," he said, hoping to smooth over the TOTALLY AWKWARD, "I don't think it's working out all that good with Nene."

"Really?" asked Ce, frowning, "why not?"

"I dunno, she's just kind of—maternal?" Tong offered, "I grew up with _my dad_, I'm not used to someone fussing over me all the time!"

"Right, your dad used to forget to feed you," said Ce, nodding. "We just suck."

"Yep," agreed Tong, sighing.

"I think I need a hug." Ce looked at Tong expectantly.

"Hold on there, buddy—I think I have something else that'll cheer you up!" Tong said, digging in his pockets and whipping out—

"Blank pieces of paper!" cheered Ce—"wait, why am I excited about that?"

Tong looked at the skydiving tickets—"oh." He flipped them over. "How would you, Sun Ce, my _best friend_, like to go skydiving with _me_?"

"_Really_!" Ce asked, looking excited, "fuck yeah I wanna go!" He grinned. "And this way I can help you out if you screw up!"

"How can I possibly screw up jumping out of a plane?" Tong asked blankly.

"I dunno, they say 1 out of 3 skydivers don't even make it to the ground," Ce said thoughtfully.

Tong blinked, confused—"where do they _go_?"

Ce shrugged. "I dunno, maybe they fall into the ocean?" He looked confused.

"That's still the ground," Tong pointed out.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"YOU! FEEL THE WRATH OF JUSTICE AS SHE POUNDS YOUR SADIST WAYS INTO THE GROUND!" shouted Chao, leaping off a balcony onto some kid who was spotted with a pot stash.

"AAAAAAH!" the kid shouted, "GOD!"

"No I am not _God_!" Chao snapped, "you'll be _begging_ for your God once the divine wrath of justice has finished having her way with you!"

"Pounding me into the ground? Having her way with me? Why is justice so sexual?" the kid whined, rubbing his head, "geroffame!"

"Not until you relinquish that vile weed you are holding!" Chao mentally crossed "you will be fucked by the long dick of justice" off of his list of justice-phrases.

"Vile! Hey, man, don't knock it until you try it!"

"As if I would ever let such a disgusting bio-toxin wreak its havoc on my body!" shouted Chao, "hand it over before the brazen fist of justice claims another victim!"

"Dude, talk like a normal person," the kid complained, "and I'm not givin' you my weed, either, I _need_ it!"

"You suffer from an addiction and your eyes are closed to the sweet rays of the sunshine of justice!" said Chao firmly.

"Justice justice justice—dude I think you need to get _laid_," said the kid, rolling his eyes.

"My relationship status with my beloved is none of your business! And just because we haven't 'hit a home run'—" Chao looked very uncomfortable, speaking the _vernacular_—"doesn't mean my sanity is any less present!"

"DUDE," said the kid, loudly, "if I tell you _why_ I have the weed, will you let me go!"

"Justice's net is wide but it allows nothing through!" said Chao firmly. The kid gave him a weird look and he sighed. "Okay, that didn't make any fucking sense. Speak and the ear of justice will grant you an audience!"

(AN: Yes, it's fun thinking of new justice sayings!)

"All right if I tell you the truth, will you let me go?" the kid continued. "I have a terminal illness."

"Which one?" Chao asked suspiciously.

"It doesn't matter! You've never heard of it! Anyway, this is medical marijuana and if I don't use it, I could _die_!"

"You dare look the face of justice in the eye and _lie_!" Chao asked, outraged.

"Face of—no! I'm not lying to you, dude, this is a life-or-death thing—I'm late as it is, I gotta get this stuff to the research center so they can make me a new batch of medicine or I don't even wanna think about it!" The kid looked panicked.

"The voice of justice is not so quick to believe the word of a common drug dealer!"

"Dude the voice of justice is gonna cower in the face of my mom's _lawyer_ if I _die_, get the fuck out of my way!"

Chao gasped in horror—"you dare speak profanity before the vessel of justice!"

The kid opened his mouth—and then, suddenly, he began coughing. A lot. One hell of a lot. And right before Chao offered him a cough drop (OF JUSTICE!) he started frothing at the mouth. A lot.

By now, a large crowd of people had heard the yelling and gathered around, and were now watching as this blonde guy used his mind powers (OF JUSTICE!) to slowly torture some kid to death.

"Why are you—the voice of justice commands you to stop!" Chao ordered, but the kid (now on his hands and knees) continued to cough, foam at the mouth, puke up blood, ect., blah blah blah, and all of a sudden—

The kid fell forward, face-first, into the puddle of crap he'd been coughing up, and Chao's grayish-greenish eyes (OF JUSTICE!) widened considerably—he ducked down to check the kid's pulse, and promptly realized this was not a kid any longer, but a corpse. A corpse of no justice.

"Oh—holy—fucking—JUSTICE YOU HAVE LET ME DOWN!" shrieked Chao, running away screaming, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The rest of the college kids were a bit horrified to see a dead kid on the pavement, until—"holy shit that corpse's got a stash!" shouted one guy, and immediately the corpse was trampled as roughly 300 college kids tried to rip him to pieces for about 2oz of pot.

xxxxxxxxxxx

_That night_…

Needless to say, the whole double date thing was not going well. As Tong had figured.

Turned out Nene was Mitsunari's college buddy, the program where upper-class students could mentor a incoming freshman and give them the ropes of the school. Of course, while most college buddies immediately neglect their young protégé immediately after the second semester begins, Nene had taken it upon herself to make sure Mitsunari wasn't getting into any trouble, or being rude, or partying, ect., ect., ect.

In fact, after the recession, the first extracurricular program to get slashed (after the Honors Society) was College Buddies. So the program didn't even freaking exist anymore!

"Would you stop it!" grumbled Mitsunari, batting Nene's hands away from his face, "if I have food on my face, it's because every time I put a bite in my mouth you lunge at me telling it's too _big_, and then you come at me with a _knife_, and I have a natural reaction to JUMPING OUT OF MY CHAIR when people come at me with a knife, thank you." He scowled and went back to picking at his food.

"You're so jumpy!" Nene said accusingly, "did you do something you shouldn't have? Did you violate that girl with your penis, Mitsunari!"

Mitsunari shook his head frantically. "No! She doesn't even let me put my hand on her—"

"ALL RIGHT," Tong said loudly, very much not wanting to hear the end of _that_ conversation. This was turning out to be the worst date he'd ever been on. Stupid Nene. She was fine on her own, but when she went all Mommy Mode, arrghhhhh! He glanced over at Shang Xiang, figuring she was having as crappy a time as he was, and—oh, god, there were those googly-eyes again…

_This is probably as close as I'll ever get to being on a date with Tong. He's so cute when he looks like he's about to tear every well-quaffed hair out of his head in anguished frustration…_ Shang Xiang sighed, resting her cheek in her hand, batting her eyelashes in Tong's direction_. _

_Boy, if I thought I could get away with murder I'd kill these two and me and Tong could just run off and go—oh no, is he staring at me! Well_—

She grinned, giving a little wave in his direction (Tong's expression was something between O_O and **O_O**), and smiled to herself. _As long as he doesn't know my love for him burns like the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, I'm good!_

Tong sighed. That was clearly the expression of a girl whose love for him burned with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns. Something clearly had to be done. And—"Nene, I think he's fine," he said, and Nene looked scandalized.

"He has a giant stain across his shirt!" she complained.

"No, that's _supposed_ to be there, it's part of the shirt!" grumbled Mitsunari, "I paid a lot of money for my shirt to look like this!"

"I still think it's affronting!" said Nene, attacking him with the bleach pen she carried in her purse, Mitsunari howling and trying to push her away.

Tong had never, ever, ever, ever, _ever_ thought this, in his entire life, but he found himself thinking it now: I wish Ning were here! At least he wouldn't be _bored_! Arghhhh!

"What are you staring at?" Mitsunari asked suddenly, glancing over at Shang Xiang.

"Huh?" asked Shang Xiang.

"You've been staring at _him_ for the past hour," said Mitsunari, rolling his eyes.

"I have?"

"Yes, you have. Don't tell me _he's_ the guy you're using me to try and make jealous?" Mitsunari asked, looking bored.

"Mitsunari!" said Nene reproachfully, "that's _rude_!"

"It's hardly rude!" answered Mitsunari, "I'm basically a substitute for this loser, how would _you _react?"

"…no! I don't know what you're talking about!" said Shang Xiang defensively. "And Tong's not a loser!"

"Perhaps, but he's certainly not someone I'm going to be a substitute for," said Mitsunari easily, "good night to you all~" He got up and left the restaurant.

"MITSUNARI!" squawked Nene, jumping up, "you can't leave without a _sweater_! Come back!" She jumped up, knocking over her water glass in her haste, and took off.

Tong blinked a few times. "What the fuck just happened?"

"We got dumped? At the same time?" Shang Xiang offered.

"Looks like it," said Tong, still looking rather confused, "oi, you wanna get going?"

"Go where?" asked Shang Xiang.

"Who cares?" Tong asked, getting up and stretching his arms. "Good thing we went t' Steak n Shake, huh?" (That was one plus of the meal; it only cost $10)

"Whaaat, I have to pay for myself _and_ Shitsunari!" Shang Xiang grumbled, dropping a $10 on the table, "stupid useless boyfriend my ass…"

"Call me an asshole but I almost don't care," said Tong, making a face, "sheesh she wasn't that nutty when we dated a couple years ago, I _swear_!"

"Suuuuuure," said Shang Xiang, smirking, "well, c'mon, let's gooo~"

"Go where?" Tong asked.

"Who cares?" Shang Xiang asked, grinning up at him, "we could get coffee or something, I guess?"

"Works for me," said Tong, stretching his arms over his head and grabbing the door, "after you, m'lady~ _fuck_ it's cold and is it raining! God dammit!"

"You ain't kidding," said Shang Xiang, pulling her sleeves to cover her hands and making a face at her shake, "at least we're under cover?"

"Yup," Tong agreed.

They were relatively quiet walking down the sidewalk, Shang Xiang glancing up at him shyly a few times but not saying anything. Tong could hardly believe the awkward; the two of them'd been best friends since they were kids, and all he could think to talk about was the _weather_. Fucking hell!

"…s'cold," Tong said, finally, getting a bit uncomfortable with the awkward silence.

"Yup," agreed Shang Xiang, "um." She messed with the drawstrings of her hoodie a bit.

"Yeah." Tong became extremely interested in his shoelaces.

Shang Xiang snapped and lost her patience. "God dammit, Tong—" And Tong grabbed her, and kissed her, and it would've been a scene right out of one of those lame-ass romance movies complete with the cheesy BGM if a car didn't drive by a giant curb-side puddle and splash them both.

"Ughhhhh," they both groaned, separating and looking disgusted. They looked at each other for a minute. Oops, it happened again, their expressions both seemed to say.

"Uh, Tong—"

"Uh, Shang Xiang—" Tong stopped. "Well, you go first."

Shang Xiang made a face at him. "Wimp."

"I'm not a wimp! You started talking first!"

"No, we started at the same time!"

"Well—I'm being a gentleman and gentlemen let ladies go first!"

"Through a _door_, not in conversation!"

"Just—dammit Shang Xiang say whatever it is you have to say so I can say what I have to say so we can get out of this rain," Tong said finally, getting exasperated.

"I—dammit Tong if you can't tell then it's not even worth saying!" Shang Xiang grumbled, and stomped off. Tong considered going after her, then considered the foot to the testicles he'd get _for_ going after her, and decided just to talk to her in the morning and getting out of these cold clothes.

Dammit.

Stupid complicated _girls_!

xxxxxxxxxx

Zzzzzzz…


	13. Some cheese for your whine

This of all the chapters has definitely been the one that's been the biggest pain in the ass. I have about six events I want to happen and most of them need to happen in chronological order, and that order isn't coming to me. _

I'm just going to completely wing this one and see what happens. :P Apologies in advance for any suckage.

And so there we go! Keep up or get left behind!

xxxxxxx

_The evening of chapter 12…_

Chao stumbled back into his dorm, his gray eyes huge. Like, really huge. He was terrified. In fact, if one were to look up 'shitting a brick' on Wikipedia, the helpful illustration would be of Chao.

And who wouldn't be shitting a brick! He'd killed someone! Sure, he hadn't intentionally killed the kid—if he was prosecuted in the court of law, it'd be a manslaughter charge—but—AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

If he was going to be the future of justice in this godforsaken country he'd need to have a clean record! His record needed to be pure like the fallen snow! A blotch on his perfect record just couldn't happen, dammit, the blood of the innocent young man he'd _murdered_ had tainted his future as a lawful figure forever!

Chao looked around, panicky. He had to hide the evidence—oh, wait, there wasn't any. Those wannabe potheads had torn the body to pieces looking for any trace of weed. Right. That much was settled.

He sighed, taking a seat on the couch so his shaky legs could take a rest, and made a face at what he sat on. He shifted about and unearthed his Criminal Justice text from underneath the cushion, and the book flipped open to what he'd been reading previously: "MURDER: THE DIFFERENT TYPES AND HOW OUR JUSTICE SYSTEM INCARCERATES THESE WASTE-OF-FLESH MOTHERFUCKERS".

Chao gulped. Oh, shit. Looks like it was time to execute that emergency 'flee to Mexico in case of accidental homicide' plan…

I wonder if Xing Cai would look good in a Mexican poncho?—ARGH DAMMIT CHAO FOCUS!

xxxxxxx

_The next morning_…

It was a good day to be Toshiie Maeda. The sun was shining, his muscles were bulging as usual, and since it was nice and dry outside, his hair didn't look like something out of Frizz Gone Wild. Yep, it was lookin' to be a damn good day. He looked good, he felt good, and he was wearing a smile that said 'Toshiie Maeda, you're a _winner_!"

Totally made up for that embarrassing 'my pants got sucked down the toilet drain and I have to run back to my dorm half-naked' thing a week ago. Yeah really.

People just don't look at you the same way when they've seen below belt, Toshiie mused, girls throw themselves at me even _more_ and all these jealous inferior guys look at me like I'm a cross between their worst nightmare and _their god_—

The good ol' Toshiie Maeda ego was as intact as his hair, which was always good, and since the narration would do various X-rated things to Mr. Maeda were he, y'know, _real_, methinks it's time to move past cleverly disguised fangirling and move on to the _point_.

"Toshiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!" called a pleasant girly voice, and Toshiie looked—OKUNI. Keiji's girlfriend Okuni. Former one-night stand Okuni. Former two-night stand Okuni. Former three-night stand Okuni (hey, she was pretty!).

What the hell does she want with me _now_? he wondered, but gave her a smile and made his way over towards her anyway.

"Hello Okuni," said Toshiie, "uhh—what did Keiji do _now_, dare I ask?"

"Nothing, nothing," said Okuni, "well, then again since I'm not watching him at the moment, he's probably doing _something_…"

(Keiji was in the middle of planting another Date tree, if the screams of the 16-year-old genius were any indication. However, most teachers were turning their heads, and most of the students were laughing.)

"Right," said Toshiie, making a face, "umm—so, uh… was there something you _wanted_, or…?" Okuni was the type of female to only talk to him when she wanted something. Something could either be a shoulder to wail on because Keiji was being an ass, money, or (Toshiie's personal favorite), hot lovin'. Yeah, bitches.

"Oh, right, silly me!" said Okuni, smiling, "it nearly slipped my mind~ well, Toshiie, I'm pleased to be the one to tell you this… but I am pregnant and you are officially one of the candidates to be my baby's daddy!" She smiled at him again and went off to go do Okuni things.

Toshiie's :D flipped into a D: .

Oh, FUCK.

xxxxxxxxx

_Later_…

"Mornin', Ginchiyo," said Tong, shoving his lunch in his locker and stripping off his top shirt. Last day at the pool until next Spring! Even his morale was relatively high, and he was a notorious pessimist. He'd been looking forward to leaving this godforsaken pool for so long now he was willing to forgive Ning singing that god-awful 'S.E.X' song in the shower this morning.

"Nggh," answered Ginchiyo, her attention on the paperwork she was pinning to the corkboard in the locker room.

"What's got your panties in a twist?" Tong asked, stretching his arms.

"Nothing of your concern!" answered Ginchiyo severely, "mind your own business."

"You _are_ my business, boss," Tong pointed out, "whenever you're in a bad mood I only get a five minute break instead of a ten!"

Ginchiyo sighed. "I am having personal problems," she admitted, "with my boyfriend. Now stop asking me questions!"

"You're having boyfriend problems?" Tong asked curiously, "well, join the club, I just got dumped last night."

Ginchiyo pursed her lips thoughtfully for a moment. "I would ask what kind of simplistic mouth-breather would find you attractive enough to consider a monogamous relationship with, but you might fall under the assumption that I have the least bit of an interest in the life you lead outside the walls of Adventure Archipelago," she said, finally.

Tong blinked a few times. "Uh?"

Ginchiyo scowled again. "I didn't ask for your life story! I told you what I told you in an attempt to make you leave me alone, not because I desired your empathy in any sort."

"Boss, you need to get laid," Tong informed her flatly.

"WHAT!" screeched Ginchiyo, "what or who I do in my spare time is of none of your concern!"

"No, I mean, you're like 23, and you're more uptight than the most uptight person I've ever met," said Tong seriously, "what'd your boyfriend do, cheat on you?"

"No!" said Ginchiyo, "no man would ever dare cheat on me!"

"Yes, I'm sure once the mind-blowing sex has ended, your cuddly exterior and warm, loving personality is enough to keep any man chained to your ankle," Tong agreed, patting Ginchiyo's back as he moved past her to check the schedule—"HEY!"

"What?" grumbled Ginchiyo.

"Why do I only get a five minute break!" Tong squawked, "you see! Whenever you're in a bad mood, it always comes back to make my life bad!"

"That stupid Ina girl insisted on getting her job back, and between her and that inbred spiky-haired fellow, your services are quite unnecessary," answered Ginchiyo.

"But Ning's not scheduled to work today! And Ina's the only one out there! That doesn't explain why I get a short break!" Tong whined.

"Oh. _That's_ because I don't like you," Ginchiyo replied smugly, pushing past him to leave.

"I'm glad we can be honest with each other," Tong called, and Ginchiyo shut the locker room door behind her.

"That's two people I know who need to get laid," he commented, and glanced at the break schedules again—oh, wait a minute, that wasn't_ his_ break schedule, that was—he flipped the page and his eyes widened in rage—"GINCHIYO!"

Ginchiyo poked her head back inside the locker room. "What?"

"You screwed up the break schedule!" Tong said, scowling.

"I most certainly did not," Ginchiyo scowled, stomping over—"everything is as it should be!"

"You have me scheduled to work for _ten hours_ without a break at all!" Tong said furiously.

Ginchiyo smirked. "Yes, that's right!"

"What! WHY!" Tong demanded—"if this is about that egg salad I left in the locker room, I didn't even know it was there, Ce left it there! He made up 'Surprise Your Best Friend With A Lunch He Didn't Know He Wanted' day!"

(Of course, Ce's suggestion beat Shang Xiang's suggestion, which was 'Surprise Your Best Friend With Sex He Didn't Know He Wanted' day, but that was rejected for two reasons; one, it would be the end of a plot device, and two, that was like three chapters ago, get with the program, Shang Xiang.)

"It's not about the egg salad," said Ginchiyo, her smile getting more and more evil, "there is one way for you to get mercy and one way alone!"

"What is it? I'll do anything—you want to have sex with me, don't you," Tong said suspiciously, "well, okay, if you insist, although I did want to keep our relationship professional—"

"What!" demanded Ginchiyo, "no I don't want to have sex with you!" She shook her head, purging it of disgusting thoughts, and scowled—"Thank you for _those_ mental images!"

Tong shuddered at the idea of a Ginchiyo/Ling Tong pairing—Ginchong?—and made a face. "Then what is it!"

"Word around the street is you have tickets for a helicopter sky dive," said Ginchiyo—"Hand them over! Or you'll be working 10-hour-workdays until you _die_!"

"No way!" said Tong, outraged, "you might own my ass while I'm here, but—"

"Exactly!" said Ginchiyo, smirking, "I own your ass, Tong, get used to it—and fork over those skydiving tickets!"

"Absolutely not! I'm not giving you the one solace of joy I have in my wretched forsaken life! And I already promised them to someone else!"

"You and your boyfriend can leap out of a helicopter holding hands some other time! Hand them over!"

"No! And they're not for my _boyfriend_, it's for a _friend_ who I'm trying to suck up to because I slept with his sister and I kinda want to do it again! No!"

"Oh, boo hoo for Tong, once you're done crying about how much your miserable life sucks, why don't you write a screenplay? I'm sure the Lifetime Channel would be more than willing to sponsor you a 30-minute segment after they're done airing clips of _horribly mutilated bomb attack survivors with no legs_, or _starving orphaned children_, or—"

"NO!" Tong stormed off, scowling—arrrrrghhh! He grabbed his handy whistle, his sunglasses, and his phone, and headed back out to save some lives (and to avoid Ginchiyo, of course).

…well, he noticed her ass before he actually noticed _her_, but he grinned anyway. "Yo, Ina~" he called, and Ina submerged from scraping gum off the bottom of the pool to scowl.

"And what do you want?" she hissed.

"Just saying hi," said Tong, "that, and you have a nice ass~"

Ina scrambled out of the pool and glared at him. "Come to lord your superiority over my head?" she demanded.

"Not today," said Tong, scrambling up into his lifeguard tower. "If you need me, I'll be taking a nap."

"Oh, no you will _not_," said Ina, "it is hardly fair that while my productivity easily quadruples yours, you get to reside in the lifeguard tower!"

"Seniority, babe," said Tong easily, propping his feet up along the wall of the lifeguard box, clasping his hands over his chest, "be here as long as I have, and you have to beat the benefits away with a stick."

"If I didn't know better, I would accuse you of having a sexual relationship with our supervisor," Ina hissed, scrambling up the lifeguard tower herself and glaring at Tong.

Tong burst out laughing at that—"y'think Ginchiyo'd have sex with me?" he asked, laughing, "she hates me!"

"Then why do you get to reside in the box while I have to patrol?" Ina complained.

"I dunno, because you got boobs and that's what people around here like to look at?" Tong guessed. "I have no idea, the glass ceiling rears its ugly head?"

"Then I will find a way to usurp you and claim that box as my own," Ina said, poking Tong in the shoulder with every word, "mark my words!"

"WHAT," said Tong, pushing his sunglasses up so his glare was unobstructed—"you will pry this box from my cold dead hands, Ina!"

"Don't give me any ideas," answered Ina, smirking, "have a good shift~" And she sauntered off.

Tong gritted his teeth. WOMEN!

xxxxxxx

_Even later…_

"Attention, fellow students," Pi called, from at the top of the stairwell, "I hate to interrupt the inanity of your dull, insignificant lives, but these halls are about to be glorified by my presence and I would appreciate it if you would move!"

As expected, Pi's words were thoroughly ignored, and he scowled. "Damn plebeians. As expected, they're so basic they can't communicate with me. Hmm."

He stoked his chin thoughtfully, and decided instead to just do things the good-ol'-fashioned way—storm through the halls, elbows at the ready, and shove the unworthy motherfuckers out of his path. FUCK YEAH!

"Mr. Dian, I would appreciate your aid," he said to his bodyguard, and took a step forward to descend the stairs.

As you might have forgotten, Dian Wei was a respectable bodyguard until he was appointed bodyguard to Cao Pi, and had decided to take vengeance on his miserable life. Fuck yeah. He stuck his leg out and tripped him down the stairs.

BANG THUD CRASH CRUNCH THUNK SMASH. Pi hit the ground, hard.

Mr. Dian was mostly trying not to laugh. The rest of the floor's occupants were not so tactful, and they were guffawing their asses off.

Meanwhile, nearby were Yun and Ji, Ji happily holding onto Yun's arm as he walked her to class.

"Yuuuun~" Ji purred, "you didn't have to walk me to class, darling, I know the way!"

"Oh, you know," said Yun, smiling, "just trying to do my best as a—"

"YOU," said Pi, getting up and brushing his clothes off, "get your hands off my woman!"

Ji scowled. "I'm your woman no longer!" she snapped, "I love Yun and he loves me~"

"Ji, come on," said Pi impatiently, "do you even remember what we broke up _for_! Whatever it was you did, I forgive you, now come on!"

"No," said Ji, primly, "Yun is much nicer~"

"He's _poor_!"

"I am not!" said Yun, affronted, "well, okay I am but that doesn't make me any less of a person!"

"It most certainly does! You're certainly not good enough for _her_—"

POW. Yun punched Pi in the face. Hard.

"Yun, did you—you just—" Ji's eyes were huuuge.

Yun stared at his fist in shock—did he _really just punch a guy in the face_! For _Ji_! The girl he was mostly dating out of guilt but now was beginning to like? And—

His eyes were huge now too. Ji cooed at him some more, while Pi stomped off, swearing revenge.

xxxxxxxxx

_The same time as the previous segment (only because I don't want to say 'later' again)…_

"Ohhhh, Weiiii," moaned Dr. Huang Yue Ying, her fingers in the hair of her young T.A., "more, mooore… ohhhh…"

Jiang Wei was the type of intellectual who would do pretty much anything to get into medical school. And if that included having an affair with his cougar professor, well, dammit, he'd do it!

That, and Dr. Huang was hot. Yeaaaaah.

"Yue Ying," greeted Dr. Zhuge, walking inside Dr. Huang's office unexpectedly, and Dr. Huang gasped suddenly, bucking her hips forward, causing Wei to yelp in pain as her pelvis collided with his face—she smacked his head lightly to shut him up and smiled at her husband hurriedly.

"Darling!" she greeted, "what brings you by, here?"

"I wanted to share with you the idiocy of these research papers," Dr. Zhuge snickered, dropping a pile on her desk, "the only decent one of the bunch is that blasted Zhou Yu's, but I'm just going to fail him anyway." He lowered his voice. "I found his Twitter account last night. If he gets one more C in my class, he's planning on committing suicide."

Dr. Huang laughed nervously, smiling. "Sounds like all the more reason to fail him," she agreed, savagely pinching Wei's ear to make him stop what he was doing—"dear, don't you have another upcoming class?"

"Not until 2PM, it's Monday," said Dr. Zhuge, "are you busy?"

"No, not really," said Dr. Huang, tucking a piece of her brown hair behind her ear, "what is it you have planned, dear?"

Dr. Zhuge's face almost took on a perverted expression, _almost_—"I long for my wife's company," he said easily, "would you like to copulate atop a massive pile of students' blood, sweat, and tears?" He held up a stack of papers, F's, presumably.

Dr. Huang's eyes got huge—oh, yeah, baby!—while poor Wei under the desk was trying not to upchuck. EW.

Looks like he'd be crawling out the emergency cougar desk hatch again…

xxxxxxxxx

_Around 6:30PM…_

"THANK GOD I NEVER HAVE TO SEE THIS GODFORSAKEN POOL AGAIN," Tong howled, from where he was cleaning out his locker in the lifeguard break room—"until Spring, I mean."

"Counting your testicles before they drop isn't such a good plan," commented Ginchiyo Tachibana, her full lips twisted in an evil smirk as she eyed Ling Tong.

"This is the _boy's_ locker room!" Tong pointed out.

"Oh, then it would appear we're both in the wrong room!"

Tong glared at his evil supervisor. "Whaddaya want, Ginchiyo? Before I leave and never have to see your face again? …until Spring?"

"Oh, nothing, really," said Ginchiyo, still smirking like a predator, her eyes dancing with evil.

"That doesn't look like the face of someone who doesn't want something," grumbled Tong, "g'way, would ya? I got problems of my own to worry about!"

"Oh, poor Tong," cooed Ginchiyo, sarcasm oozing from every pore, "I suppose I'll have to drop everything I'm planning on discussing right now so you can focus your attention on the complete unimportance that is _your life_!"

"I'm not even going to bother telling you what a bitch you're being," Tong informed her, turning his back to her.

Ginchiyo smirked. "I will treat you like the sub-human you are as soon as you fork over those skydiving tickets."

"I already said no!" Tong said, scowling, "and how'd you even find out about those anyway?"

"I stumbled across them while perusing the contents of your mailbox," said Ginchiyo smoothly, "I needed to make some revisions to your most recent paycheck."

Tong scowled. "You know how close I am to reporting you for _being evil_!" he demanded.

"Oh, you would never win that and you know it," said Ginchiyo smoothly, "I will always win, Tong, you will _never_ beat me and I don't know why you still try! I am stronger, smarter, and faster than you! I am always two steps ahead of you! On the scale of things, you can't possibly compete with me, because _you always lose_."

"Man, is the sexual tension between us thick, or what?" Tong commented off-handedly.

Ginchiyo sputtered with rage. "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" she squawked, and stormed off.

"Hey, sexy lady~" greeted a familiar voice outside, followed by a loud "TACHIBANA PUNCH!" which was followed by a whimper of pain. Tong watched interestedly as the locker room door swung open, and in hobbled Magoichi.

"Magoichi!" Tong squawked, "the hell're you doing in here!"

"I came to talk to you," said Magoichi easily, "don't forget about the math test tomorrow, all right?"

"I'll make _you_ forget about something," Tong seethed, shaking his fists, "why don't you study _yourself_! You already got like 50 points knocked off me already!"

"Think of them as 50 less points you have to worry about earning," said Magoichi philosophically, "and, for the record, Ginchiyo was sure lookin' flustered, you two got somethin' going on under the table?"

"Aside from her homicidal bloodlust? No," said Tong, rolling his eyes, "_why_?"

Magoichi opened his mouth again to reply, when the door swung open again, and a cute, pink haired, possibly 16-year-old teenage girl came bustling into the locker room, all smiles. "Hi, mister!" she said to Tong.

"Huh?" asked Tong, "man, is everyone just waltzing on in here now?"

"You forgot your whistle!" said the girl, "and I brought it for you!"

"Oh," said Tong, "thanks." He looked around a bit awkwardly. "I don't suppose you think you're getting a reward?"

The girl giggled. "You're funny, mister!" Then she looked over at Magoichi (who was discreetly checking his reflection in his cell phone for visible nose hairs) and her eyes got huuuuuuge. Like, super huge. The hugest ever.

"Hi!" she said to Magoichi, "my name is Gracia! What's yours?"

"Damn nose hair—" Magoichi gave one hair a fierce tug and howled in pain, before looking at Gracia—"huh? Oh. Magoichi Saika." And he went back to pruning. Ew.

Gracia batted her eyelashes up at him, clasping her hands under her chin. "I'll remember the name!" she told him gleefully, and skipped off.

"Kids these days," said Magoichi, shaking his head. "So what's got you down, brother?"

"I'm not your brother," grumbled Tong, "and pretty much everything."

"Talk to Mago, my man," said Magoichi, putting an arm around Tong's shoulder.

Tong eyed him strangely, and shoved his arm off. "I'm having some problems," he began delicately, "with a friend."

"Like what?" asked Magoichi, putting his arm back.

"The unresolved sexual tension kind of problem," Tong specified.

Magoichi's eyes got huge. "Hey, man, I didn't know you and Ning had _that_ kind of a relationship—" He moved his arm.

Tong looked at him blankly (he got 'are you and Ning dating' comments so often he didn't even bother getting pissed off anymore, since they already bickered like a heterosexual married couple). "Not him! Shang Xiang!"

"Oh, right," said Magoichi, "oh, yeah, I remember, you dragged her off at you guys' house party… y'gonna have another one of those, randomly?"

"After Ce usurped Ning and took the whole thing over single-handedly with the O-Zone soundtrack? Probably," said Tong thoughtfully, "Ning'll have to come across some money or rob a bank to afford any beer though—ANYWAY!"

"Right, right," said Magoichi, "anyway, you and Shang Xiang…"

Tong sighed. "Don't judge me."

"If I did, it would all be kept internal," Magoichi promised. He raised his right hand. "On my pride as a marksman."

"Was it you shooting BBs at my window a week ago?" Tong asked suspiciously.

(Yes.)

Magoichi skirted the question easily. "Is that really what you should be asking me?"

"Nice save," Tong said dryly, "but _more importantly_, me. We've been weird lately! I mean, she wants to have sex with me again and I kinda do too, but not enough that she's gonna get all _weird_, and—"

"Wait, so you guys had sex before and nothing weird happened?" asked Magoichi.

"Yep."

"…so what the hell's the problem? Free poon is lookin' you in the eye, Tong!"

Tong facepalmed.

"Ah, I get it," said Magoichi suddenly, smirking, "you don't just _want_ a one-nighter, huh? You want to go for the big guns!"

"Like what?" Tong asked curiously, "I don't think she's gonna be up for doing it with another girl when I'm in the room!"

Magoichi looked repulsed. "What kind of perv do you think I am?" he demanded.

"…the guy who wrote the book on perversion?" Tong asked, flushing regardless, "shut the hell up, man, don't you judge me!"

(Actually, the idea had come from Ce. When Ce had first started dating Da, he found out about her younger, equally attractive sister, and not only did he start having threesome ideas, he wrote a rather extensive fictional story about it, detailing down to the nitty gritty. One time when Tong was over at the Sun household, Shang Xiang hadn't left any of her fruity little yaoi mangas in the bathroom for him to read, and instead he'd stumbled across the manuscript (titled 'Two Qiaos, Four Boobs, One Sun Ce'). Boy, had _that _been a learning experience.)

"ANYWAY, if you're quite done sharing your despicable ideas of sexuality," said Magoichi, still looking disgusted, "a _threesome_—sex is supposed to be a meaningful display of affection! Not with someone you pick up off the street!"

"Oh, pull the other one," said Tong, rolling his eyes, "c'mon, dude, I see you on the street like every night!"

"There's a homeless guy who hangs out around there and tells funny jokes!" said Magoichi defensively, "he's always got a funny sign, yesterday it said 'Family killed by ninjas, need money for karate lessons', as _if_ karate stands a chance against ninja atta—"

"MAGOICHI SHUT THE HELL UP AND BE USEFUL ALREADY," Tong said loudly, rubbing his temples, "I don't even remember what the hell we were talking about!"

"Somethin' about you, I think," said Magoichi thoughtfully.

Tong groaned. If his circle of friends didn't involve two people whose intelligence added up to _less_ of a brick wall's, he would not be here. "Just… about Shang Xiang. You were saying something.

"Go to her," said Magoichi.

"Huh?" asked Tong.

"Go to her," repeated Magoichi, "dammit, Tong, when love asks you to dance, you take it by the hand and lead it to the dance floor!"

"I never said love!" said Tong, flustered.

"It doesn't matter if you don't like the song, or you're not wearing your best shirt! Go to that girl! Sweep her off her feet, dammit! When there's something that pure and beautiful you need to grab it by the horns and ride it into the sunset!"

"That speech was a lot nicer when you started out," said Tong, nonetheless looking moralized—"you know, I think you're right."

"I am right," agreed Magoichi.

"And you know what? You're _right_. I'm going to find her, and when I get to her, I'm going to look her right in the eye, apologize for being a dick, tell her how much I seriously think I like her—there's going to be so much sap she's going to _drown in it_!" He grinned, making for the door, turning back towards Magoichi—"DROWN IN IT!" And then he was gone.

Magoichi waited for the door to close, and took out his phone. "Note to self. Watch out for Tong."

xxxxxxx

_Later (shocker, I know)…_

Aha, there she was—"Shang Xiang!" Tong shouted, picking up speed and practically sprinting after her. She wanted a high-speed chase, she would _get one_, god dammit!

Shang Xiang winced. Darn it. "What?" she asked, turning around.

"Uhhh…" said Tong intelligently—he'd actually expected a longer chase scene and hadn't yet come up with anything to say—"about—about what happened. Yesterday."

"What about it?" asked Shang Xiang, blinking innocently.

"…do you want to talk about it?" he asked, finally.

"What for?" Shang Xiang asked, "There's no point to talking about it, who cares, so we kissed a little—it's not gonna happen again, just—do what I'm doing and forget it ever happened, alright?"

"No," said Tong, frowning—"I'm not going to _forget it happened_, Shang Xiang, what the hell is going on with us! Are you mad at me, or something?"

"No!" said Shang Xiang, shifting uncomfortably, "what the hell would I be mad for?"

"You're doing it again," Tong said threateningly, "being all girly and confusing—dammit, Shang Xiang!"

"I'm being confusing! You're being confusing!" complained Shang Xiang, scowling, "way to go kissing me and changing your mind about it! You wuss! Grow a pair!"

"You're the one pretending it didn't happen!" said Tong, exasperated. "You ran off!"

"Because you wish it never happened and I'm starting to think maybe that was a good idea!" huffed Shang Xiang.

"No I didn't! I pulled back because I had to _breathe_, I had full intention of kissing you again!" said Tong defensively.

Shang Xiang scowled. "Look, can't you just drop it? Like I said, it's never going to happen again, so—so stop dwelling on it, let's just go back to being friends, alright, all this do-we-or-don't-we stuff is giving me a headache!"

Tong scowled, and finally grabbed her and hauled her close for a kiss. He pulled back and narrowed his eyes. "Oh, look. It happened again," he said, "looks like we get to talk about it now."

"Why'd you do that!" Shang Xiang demanded, "you keep kissing me, I know you don't want to be my boyfriend—stop leading me on already!"

"I don't know what the hell you want from me!" Tong nearly exploded, "Shang Xiang, you _say_ you want to be just friends, and then when you're drunk you come whining at me to have sex with you, and _god forbid_ we end up kissing and you take off! I feel like I'm in a bad romantic comedy!"

"So?" asked Shang Xiang, "maybe there's a _reason_ we're not dating or whatever, because it makes us act all weird?"

"ARGHHHHH," Tong groaned, "you are impossible, y'know that!"

"If I'm so impossible why do you keep chasing after me?" Shang Xiang asked, making a face.

Tong narrowed his eyes at her. She stuck her tongue out in response.

"Look," Tong began, dragging his hand over his face in exasperation, "either we do this dating thing, or we don't. I'm not doing this friends with benefits shit, it was one of the reasons I wouldn't have sex with you when you were drunk the other day."

"What?" asked Shang Xiang, confused.

Tong winced—oh, right, he never told her about that, oops~ "Never mind. What I meant is, that's more likely to make us be at each other's throats constantly than this whole cloak of suffocating UST following us wherever we go."

"I guess," said Shang Xiang, "well, there goes my 'have sex in a closet and get it over with' idea…"

"Darn right!" said Tong firmly, looking affronted (mostly at the mental images of Ce barging into said closet and catching them, and then the paaaaaaaaain that would follow, oh god the _pain_).

"Don't get your balls in a twist, I'm not allowed to do anything about them until we're _dating_," said Shang Xiang, emphasizing the word with an eye roll. Tong groaned again.

"You are being awfully groany today," she commented.

"Because you're frustrating!"

"See, I was frustrating for other reasons before we got all creepy! Let's just go back to the way things were!" said Shang Xiang firmly.

Tong nodded, firmly. "Shake on it?" He offered her his hand.

"Right," agreed Shang Xiang, grabbing his hand and giving it a firm shake. They looked at each other awkwardly for a moment…

…and after making out for a good three minutes, the two separated, looking a bit embarrassed but mostly pleased.

"Uh," said Tong, as Shang Xiang occupied herself re-tying her halter top around her neck, making a face at him (Tong got frisky).

"Um," said Shang Xiang in reply.

"Uhhh…"

"Ummm…"

"Okay that whole 'pretend nothing is happening' idea isn't working," Tong said finally.

"No shit, Sherlock," said Shang Xiang, still blinking a bit compulsively.

"Well we're in a bit of a bind here," said Tong.

Shang Xiang groaned. "So what now!" she asked, crossing her arms.

"I dunno," said Tong after a moment, "…maybe we should figure out what the heck we want out of each other?"

"I know what _I_ want," said Shang Xiang stubbornly, "…what do _you_ want to do?"

"I dunno, kiss you more? And push you up against a tree over there?" Tong offered, "and then… I dunno, hug you?"

Shang Xiang groaned. "…what do _you_ want to do?"

"Kiss you more?" Tong offered, "and then… I dunno?"

Shang Xiang worried her lower lip between her teeth as she adjusted her pendant necklace so the charm was in the front. "…that's kinda what I want too," she admitted sheepishly, "so, um…"

"You know what I think we should do? Seriously?" said Tong.

"What?" asked Shang Xiang.

"Go back to normal. All this UST stuff is pushing us around, we're both all confused, let's just go back to being friends and we'll see how stuff plays out from there. Sound good?" Tong asked.

Shang Xiang brightened. "Sounds great," she agreed firmly, "and if it turns out we really do like each other and we want to be together, well, we'll figure stuff out from there!"

"Damn right," said Tong agreeably, "so, uhh…"

"…Um," said Shang Xiang, "I'm going to go before I end up kissing you again," she said quickly, "see ya!" and she ran off.

Tong facepalmed. ARGH.

xxxxxxx

_Later_…

"Who's Okuni's baby daddy, y'think?" Goemon asked Magoichi curiously.

Magoichi cleared his throat. "Who do I think is Okuni's baby daddy?" he asked, looking around—"d'you have a phone book, by any chance?"

"In my back pocket," said Goemon, rolling his eyes—"no, I don't have a phone book, they give those things out for _free_, there's no fun stealin' 'em!"

"Actually, it's a felony to take someone else's mailbox off their front lawn," Gracia piped up.

Magoichi jumped—"how'd you get in here!"

"The front door was open!" chirped Gracia.

"Y'can't just walk through a man's front door, you gotta go in from behind!" said Magoichi, making a face.

Goemon snorted. Gracia's eyes got very wide.

Magoichi sighed. "Children, the both of you!" He made a face. "Well, whatever—Goemon, this is Jailbait, Jailbait, this is Goemon."

"How do you know Magoichi, jailbait?" Goemon asked Gracia.

"My name is _Gracia_! Not Jailbait!" said Gracia, pouting.

Magoichi patted her head—"easy there, Jailbait," he said.

"Gracia!" Gracia corrected.

"Whatever you say, Jailbait~"

"What'd you want the phonebook for anyway?" asked Goemon, finally changing the subject.

"Oh, to answer your question about Okuni's baby daddy—I _was_ gonna flip through it, and be all 'it could be _anyone_ in here!' but that joke's been ruined. Dammit." Magoichi sighed. "Well, time to go study for that POS teacher's class—I can't believe he docked 50 points offa Tong, how'm I supposed to get a good grade now?"

"With hard work and dedication?" Goemon offered, rolling his eyes.

"Y'read that off a cereal box?" Magoichi asked, making a face at him.

"POS?" Gracia asked curiously.

"Piece-o-shit," Magoichi explained.

"Ohhh," said Gracia, "I was about to say, _that_ sounds like a strange and wonderful course of study!"

"Jailbait, I don't know how you think of it~"

"Gracia!"

xxxxxxxxxx

_That evening… (hey, at least I didn't say later)_

"Tong!" said Shang Xiang brightly, "hey, buddy!"

"Well if it isn't my _best friend_ Shang Xiang," said Tong, all cheer as he opened the door, "what's up?"

"Well, buddy o' mine, my roommates were driving me crazy, something about 'unresolved sexual tension being bad for my health'—like they would know!—so I figured I'd come by and spend the evening with my _best friend_!" She grinned.

"We're just about to have dinner!" said Tong, "I made Ning cook for once, this should be interesting…"

SMASH.

"THIS IS WHY I HATE COOKING!" Ning howled from the kitchen.

Tong sighed. "Or we'll order a fucking pizza."

Ning came back out of the kitchen, looking like he'd been stabbed about sixteen times. Shang Xiang gasped, her hands going to her mouth.

"It's sauce, not blood," he said quickly, noticing her face. Shang Xiang nodded.

"Don't go in there," he added to Tong, "it'll trigger yer dumb neat-freak senses and you'll piss me the fuck off!"

Tong scowled, pushing him out of the way and going to look in the kitchen—"If you trashed the kitchen you're cleaning it—NING GOD DAMN YOUR FUCKING HIDE GET YOUR ASS IN THERE!" he shouted.

Ning sighed. "Just make housekeeping do it!"

"No! And what housekeeping!" Tong scowled at Ning long enough to guilt-trip him into going back into the kitchen and cleaning up his mess. He turned to Shang Xiang.

"So, uhh… wanna order that pizza?" he offered.

"Got it on speed dial!" said Shang Xiang cheerfully, dialing, and saying something about pizza, Tong was too busy noticing how cute Shang Xiang was when she ordered pizza. Really cute. And that top she was wearing was like a giant red arrow pointing to her boobs. And—

"TONG," said Shang Xiang loudly, and he promptly jumped.

"What?"

"What pizza?"

"Oh. Um. I don't know, whatever Ning doesn't like."

"HEY!"

"Uhhh how about just two pepperonis?" Shang Xiang offered, and finally hung up. "Stupid pizza delivery boneheads."

"There's a reason they work at a Pizza Hut," Tong pointed out.

"Right, right, they don't screen for IQ." She sat down and looked up at him expectantly. "So, uh… how was your day?"

"Okay, I guess," said Tong, shifting about as he sat down across from her, "work sucks, as usual, Ginchiyo was being a raging bitch and stupid Ina's now made it her life goal to kick me outta my lifeguard seat…"

"And I thought you were good with the ladies," said Ning, coming into the living room and plopping down next to Shang Xiang.

"Fuck you," Tong replied promptly, "and that kitchen'd better be in the same fucking condition it was before you unleashed a torrent of destruction or I'm going to mount your head above the fireplace back home."

"Don't drop a load in your shorts, it's clean," said Ning nonchalantly, "-ish~" he added the last part to Shang Xiang, who giggled.

"Ina's not so bad once you get to know her," she told Tong, smiling, "she's just, uhh—"

"Nuts?" offered Tong.

"Ina," said Ning thoughtfully, "dark haired chick?"

"The only female lifeguard you haven't slept with," said Tong, rolling his eyes.

"Oh, _that_ one!" Ning looked mildly horrified. "…I haven't?"

Shang Xiang and Tong's eyes got very wide. "Don't tell me you actually slept with her!" said Shang Xiang, looking alarmed.

"…no, I'm thinkin' of someone else," said Ning easily. "Oi, Tong-o, where'd they put you for the winter season?"

"Stupid Utnom," said Tong, making a face, "which I _hate_, it's a reverse-seat train so people always kick me when I try to buckle them in!"

"That's a coincidence," remarked Shang Xiang, "hey, Ning, didn't you tell me that you were at Utnom too?"

"Oh, right!" said Ning, "awesome, this means Tong can cover for me some more~"

"OH NO HE WON'T," Tong said through gritted teeth.

"And if you try to push me off the ride again I'm goin' to human resources," said Ning threateningly.

Tong groaned.

And then it was quiet.

Very quiet.

Ning had never felt quite as awkward as he did right now, actually. Shang Xiang was on his left, Tong was on his right, and the fact that they had to emphasize how best friend-y they were told Ning something was up. Something that would end in something _bad_, he was sure.

"Hey, best friend, I gotta use the bathroom," said Shang Xiang, jumping up and scurrying off. Ning waited until the door closed before sitting up and glaring at Tong.

"What?" Tong asked.

"The hell do you think?" Ning asked, "you're actin' like weirdos!"

"I am not!" said Tong defensively. "Shang Xiang and I decided to go back to being friends and see what happens from there."

"Gotcha," said Ning, "hey, so, you and Nene're broken up?"

"Yeah, she and Mitsunari dumped me and Shang Xiang in sync the other night," said Tong, making a face.

"AWESOME," said Ning.

"Thanks, dick."

"Aw, c'mon, you were only datin' her so you'd stop wantin' to fuck Shang Xiang, right?" Ning pointed out, "and this way, you _can_ fuck her, so she stops buggin' me all the time."

"I'm not just gonna have sex with her in the hopes things'll go back to normal!" said Tong, scowling, "no freaking way, she's my best friend! You and Ce—"

"THAT DOESN'T COUNT WE WERE DRUNK AARRRGH!"

Tong blinked—"Wasn't going to say anything about _that_, but if that's the first thing that comes to mind…"

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"

"ANYWAY," Tong continued loudly, "what the heck does she want me for anyway? I mean, I know I'm the best looking guy at this school _and_ the best fuck too—"

"AHEM."

"Sorry, sorry, the best fuck on campus who doesn't get drunk and sleep with a guy—"

"ARRGGHH!"

"Ha ha. See, Ning, back when you used to be exclusively for women—"

"I STILL AM! SHUT UP!"

"Alright I'm done. For now. But seriously!" Tong said, "I mean—what's so special about me anyway? S'not like she isn't cute!"

"You're her best friend?" Ning offered, helpful to a fault—sure, he was an ass most of the time, but when it came to his friends he did try to help out.

"I guess," said Tong, "that's about all I can think of… come to think of it, s'not like she's ever really shown much interest in other guys, y'know?"

"Well, yeah, but s'not like she'd fangirl over 'em to us anyway," Ning pointed out, "ew."

"Right," said Tong, "eh, maybe she does with Da, I guess?"

"Well maybe you two losers are made for each other," said Ning, stretching, "I dunno, I'd wanna date someone who I actually _like_ bein' with rather than someone who's just a good fuck…"

"And since I'm both that's probably what it is," said Tong thoughtfully. "And she's not just my best friend, she's my _other _best friend's little _sister_, and I'm not giving Ce a reason to try and kick my ass!"

"Another reason, y'mean."

"Well, come to think of it, I'd rather he _kick_ my ass than do what he did to _yours_…"

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! ARRGH!"

xxxxxxxx

_After pizza…_

"So, uh, how're the turnips, Tong?" Shang Xiang asked, trying to think of something to say.

"They're eggplants now, fall sea—HOLY SHIT!" Tong squawked, jumping up and sprinting to his room, "FUUUUUUCK!"

Shang Xiang giggled. "He's such a loser."

"Yep," agreed Ning, "now go make out with him and cut it out with this creepy weirdness! It's freakin' me the fuck out!"

Shang Xiang sketched a salute at her best friend, grinning, and headed off in the direction of Tong's room, where he was hurriedly picking eggplants and dropping them in the shipping bin.

"I really need to learn how to use my fucking Start button," he grumbled, picking up one of his chickens and collecting some eggs.

"You named your chickens 'Taylor' and 'Swift'!" Shang Xiang asked, laughing, "I didn't take you for a Taylor Swift fangirl!"

"She's _cute_!" Tong said defensively, "and shaddap, I had one of her songs stuck in my head at the time."

"Which one?" Shang Xiang asked curiously.

"Uh, the one about the girl who likes the boy but the boy doesn't know and she's sad about it, I think," said Tong thoughtfully, picking eggplants.

"You just described every Taylor Swift song ever written," Shang Xiang pointed out, laughing.

"Oh. Right," said Tong, making a face, "sheesh, she's not gonna win a VMA for creativity, huh?"

"I wanted to deck that piece of shit Kanye," commented Shang Xiang.

"You think you did?" Tong asked, laughing, remembering Ning's outrage when he caught the video clip about three minutes after it happened.

"What, you got mad?" Shang Xiang asked, laughing. "Where's this Taylor Swift love coming from all of a sudden!"

"Oh, you want to see who likes Taylor Swift?" Tong asked, making a face at her, "c'mon!" He dropped the controller and led the way into Ning's room, which was still unlocked. He pushed Ning's three laptops onto his bed and booted up the main desktop computer.

"Sheesh, Ning got enough stuff in here?" Shang Xiang asked, looking at the floor (or the layer of dirty clothes, beer cans, food wrappers, ect., covering it).

"He's a pig," said Tong in summarization.

"You know the password?" Shang Xiang asked, pointing to the password screen.

"Tonghasasmallpenis," Tong answered, rolling his eyes as he typed it in. "Score."

"That's his password!" Shang Xiang asked, trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, he thinks that'll keep me out of his stuff because my low self esteem won't let me type in the words," said Tong, rolling his eyes, "well, it's a bit more intelligent than when his password used to be 'password'."

Shang Xiang blinked a few times.

"Ning logic. It's retarded—there we go!" He loaded up Windows Media Player (as a self-respecting human being, Ning hated Mac, Apple, and any product they churned out), and sure enough, every Taylor Swift song ever released was in the library. Every single one of 'em.

"Whoa," said Shang Xiang, blinking, "didn't know she _had_ that many."

"And the piece de resistance, if you will," said Tong, rolling his eyes, climbing up on Ning's bed and pulling down the half-naked Megan Fox poster to show—Taylor Swift, singing and playing her guitar. Or something.

Shang Xiang blinked hugely. "Whoa," she said again.

"Yeah," said Tong, making a face, "he's insane." He put Megan back up on the wall, made a bit of a face when she fell back down again, and glanced around the room a bit awkwardly.

Shang Xiang felt awkward too, now. Thanks a lot, Taylor Swift—"which song did you have stuck in your head?" she asked suddenly.

"I told you, no idea," said Tong thoughtfully, humming a few bars, and Shang Xiang's eyes lit up.

"I know that one!" she said, "that's—'you see that I'm the one who understands you, been here all along so why can't you seeeee you belong with me'?"

"THAT'S IT," said Tong, "dammit I hate that song!"

"I do too," said Shang Xiang, making a face, "and now it's stuck in _my_ head."

"She sure writes a lot of stuff about that sort of thing," said Tong, shifting a bit.

"Yep…"

"…and the boy(s) she sings about sure seem pretty oblivious…"

"…YEP…"

"God dammit Shang Xiang—" And they both grabbed onto each other and started kissing like sex-deprived maniacs. Right in front of Taylor Swift.

Shang Xiang started pulling him down onto the bed, and Tong didn't even care that this was _Ning's_ bed, he just wanted to hold onto her and kiss her and—

"WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING IN MY ROOM," Ning shouted, causing Tong and Shang Xiang to jump and knock their heads together.

"Ow," they both said in unison.

Ning turned the Taylor Swift nobody noticed was playing off. "You two try to fuck on my bed _with Taylor Swift _playing! You two should be ashamed!"

"Shut up," said Tong grumpily, "it's the spirit of the thing!"

"Go do it somewhere else!"

"Fine!" Tong got up, grabbed Shang Xiang by her arm, and dragged her off.

"Way to kill the mood, Ning!" Shang Xiang shouted.

Ning slammed the door and looked mournfully at his Taylor Swift poster. "I'm sorry you had to see that!"

xxxxxxx

"Why does everyone in this story have a Taylor Swift obsession but me?" Tong asked, making a face.

"Because your idea of sex appeal is Paula Abdul?" Sun Shang Xiang guessed, tugging Tong down on the bed on top of her.

"Oh shut up she's a beautiful woman!"

"I don't care! Pay attention to me!"

"Right!" And he leaned down to kiss her, and finally two of the characters in this story got their acts together.

xxxxxxxx

And since of course nothing good can ever happen to anyone in this story, Okuni had the sudden recollection that although she had ruined Potential Baby Daddy #3's day (Toshiie) with the news of her preggo eggo, she had forgotten to inform Potential Baby Daddy #2, Tong.

Silly me! she thought, reaching for her phone, and dialed Tong's cell up—"Hi Tong! This is Okuni!" she said to the voicemail, "Depending on if you're a view the glass as half-empty or half-full sort of person, I have some spectacular or horrible news~ please give me a call as soon as you get this, and don't wait _too_ long or I might go into pre-mature labor!" She giggled a bit, and closed the phone, sighing a bit.

What _was_ she going to do? She couldn't raise a baby! And even if she did keep it, what would she do about the whole 'who's yo daddy' thing—as much as she loved Keiji, he sure as hell couldn't be trusted with a baby. And Toshiie was kind of dumb, all things considered.

As far as potential baby daddies went, Tong was looking like the best prospect. Of course, Keiji would kill him—if only there was a way to raise the baby with Tong _and_ still be with Keiji…

Meanwhile, in her room, Nene's supersonic hearing went off—_Okuni was having a baby_! Truth be told, the only thing Nene wanted to be more than anything in the world was a mother…

Okuni can't be trusted with a baby! she decided, an idea beginning to form in her head, …I'm going to take that baby for _myself_! And she grinned, the smile of _insanity_.

Baby baby baby~ Nene smiled to herself and sat back down, ignoring her notes for planning out baby decorations in the baby's future room with her future husband and and and and…

"Man," said Kunoichi after a moment, from where she was watching TV on the couch, "I'm the only normal one in this college, huh?"

xxxxxxxxx

Somehow this chapter I had absolutely no idea of how to execute turned into 23 pages. FUCK YEAH, GO ME!

Anyway, since I'm bored and you cheapos seem to be denying me my reviews, let's try a little poll/survey thing to spice things up some…

**COPY/PASTE ME INTO A REVIEW AND FILL ME OUT PLEASE :)**

**Favorite character(s) and why!:**

**Least favorite character(s) and why!:**

**Most in-character:**

**Least in-character:**

**I want to see this/these character(s):**

**Favorite pairing(s) (includes already established couples, broken up ones, UST ones, ect):**

**Least favorite pairing(s) (ditto for above):**

**Weirdest pairing:**

**I want to see this/these pairing(s):**

**Things you're doing right!:**

**Ideas that just plain suck/are boring/don't float my boat/ect:**

**If I was writing this story instead of the insanely awesome Jenizaki, I would:**

**Any other comments/complaints/smartass remarks:**

And stop copy/pasting here. :P

Anyway, you don't have to fill all sections out if you don't want to; you don't have to fill any of it out, of course, but the more information you give me, the more I will like you—I mean, uh, the more helpful it will be. :)

Keep in mind also that if your idea kicks ass and I use it, I will give you full credit; if your idea stinks like a week-old crate of eggs, well, uh, it will not be used. Sorry! But every idea is a good idea! (Just not in my book.)


	14. Optimism

And here we go with chapter 14, blah blah blah, I forgot what I was going to say here…

This is a long one, hopefully makes up for my not-updating all year thing XD

And thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter! Feedback is always good and I appreciate it!

xxxxxxx

_The next morning_…

Tong woke up feeling strange. He felt _happy_. He never woke up happy! That went against everything he stood for as a card-carrying pessimist!

Shang Xiang let out a loud snore from cuddled up to his side. Oh, right. That whole thing last night. Tong hadn't seen it coming, but boy had all that worked out for the best.

"Stop snoring," he hissed, poking her side, but Shang Xiang only snored louder. Tong sighed, and his sigh turned back into a big, silly grin—nothing could possibly make this moment horrible!

Until his phone beeped from across the room, where it was still residing in the pocket of the shorts he'd worn yesterday until Shang Xiang had chucked them across the room. How he hated phone calls. Nothing good ever came from phone calls. He slowly got up, pushed Shang Xiang over so she'd stay asleep, and shuffled over to collect his pants.

Two messages; one from his dad (he was in no hurry to answer _that_ particular phone call) and one from… Okuni? What the hell was she calling him for?

He glanced over at Shang Xiang, pulled a pair of underwear and shorts back on his hips, and stepped outside his room to check his voicemail.

"Tong? It's Daddy. Uh, this is going to sound awful silly, but I dropped the remote behind the couch and my right arm is stuck between the couch and the wall! If you're not doing anything terribly important, could you maybe drop by and help—"

Tong deleted the message. Whatever. Stupid dad. Next, message from Okuni…

"Good evening Tong! Well, I hope it's good, as it probably won't be once you finish listening to what I have to say, I'm afraid… there is both good and bad news! The bad news is, I'm sorry to announce my untimely pregnancy. The good news is, you are in the running as a possible contestant to be my baby's daddy! *giggle* Anyway, I hope I haven't inconvenienced you terribly—with this phone call, I mean, if you turn out to be my baby's father, I'll be inconveniencing you for the next 18 years—and I'd be terribly grateful if you stopped by my apartment to talk about things, you know how these things go… anyway, good night!"

Tong's phone hit the carpet with a thud, his expression 'D:'. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckity _fuck_.

WHAT THE HELL WAS HE GOING TO DO!

Well, fucking first of all he had to go talk to Okuni and find out what the hell was going on—he turned to go back into his room and throw some (more) clothes on, at least enough that he wouldn't be denied service at a gas station, and Shang Xiang snored again from his bed. And that caused Tong to freeze up again.

Oh, fuck. Again.

What the hell was he going to do _now_! God dammit something always had to happen, didn't it! Just when he figured he and Shang Xiang'd stop dancing around the honest truth and be happy together, something stupid always had to come up. DAMMIT.

Well, the good news was, Okuni'd probably slept with all the guys in school, so it was a pretty good chance it wasn't _his_ kid… hell, he probably had a better chance of getting struck by lightning.

Even though Ning's party'd been like a month ago and that was the last time he'd had sex with her and it was in this very bed and and and and—

STOP PANICKING! bellowed the voice of reason in his head. PANIC IS THE ENEMY! Go find her, demand to know WTF is going on, and stop acting so _predictable_!

Tong nodded. You got it, voice in my head, he thought, taking a deep breath, this isn't the end of the world, this kid might not be _mine—_

He steeled his resolve and left his dorm, heading to Okuni's, and trying not to piss his pants.

xxxxxxxx

_Like five minutes later…_

"Tong? Good morning!" said Okuni, looking surprised, tugging her robe around her a bit tighter, "what can I do for you this early?"

"Okuni spare me the crap I got your message," Tong said, making a face, "can I come in?"

"Of course," said Okuni, stepping aside and looking unhappy.

"Are you alright?" Tong asked after a moment of awkward silence.

"Me?" asked Okuni, "I've been better, I suppose, but I'm hanging in there…"

"S'good someone is," said Tong, "I got your message and it felt like I got punched in the stomach—are you _sure_ it's mine!"

"No," Okuni admitted, "it's either you, Toshiie, or Keiji, of course—"

"Only _three_ _people_!" Tong squawked, before he could filter that—he met Okuni's stern frown with a sheepish grin.

"Are you suggesting I am _promiscuous_, Tong!" Okuni demanded.

Tong sighed, deciding not to answer that question with a rousing "FUCK YES", and cleared his throat. Subject change for the win! "Um… are you going to, uh, what's the word I'm looking for, here… go to one of those paternity places and find out whose it is?"

"I can't afford that!" said Okuni sadly.

"What're you going to do, Okuni, have the kid and try to guess whose it is?" asked Tong, sighing.

"True," said Okuni, "although I suppose if the baby was blond like Keiji we'd have no trouble figuring it out~"

"And if the baby has brown hair?" Tong asked dully.

"Then we have a problem," agreed Okuni, "all right, all right, I'll try to work something out."

"Good," said Tong agreeably. "Okuni, look, if the kid's mine, I promise to help out as much as you need me to, and more, all right?

Okuni nodded quickly. "Thank you," she said, "I'm sorry for all the trouble, I really am…"

"Well, it's not like I threw you off me," Tong pointed out, "just kind of bad timing, is all…"

"Really?" asked Okuni, "how so?" She smiled. "Girlfriend?"

"Nah," said Tong, "well… not _yet_…"

"_Really_?" asked Okuni, giggling, "well _I_ promise not to tell anyone…"

Tong looked sheepish for a minute, and glared at her stomach.

Okuni laughed. "It won't tell anyone either!" she promised, looking down at her stomach, "now, spill it~"

"All right fine," said Tong, sighing, "you know Shang Xiang, right?"

Okuni looked thoughtful for a moment, and grinned. "I always knew you liked her!"

"I have not _always_ liked her," Tong said defensively, "it's kind of a… new revelation."

"I see," said Okuni, still smirking.

"Stop smirking at me!" Tong whined, "it's—I dunno, it's complicated. And stuff." He cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Well, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," said Okuni, hiding her giggles in her hand, "…and I didn't mean to ruin any chance you had with her, either…"

"Oh way to go and ruin the good mood," said Tong, making a bit of a face, "…what's up with you and Keiji?"

"He's, well, as you could imagine," said Okuni with a tight smile, "he's angry, mostly hoping it's his… I would normally just tell him it _is_, just so he doesn't do that pouty face he always does when he's upset, but I just caught up on Glee and that didn't end up well for Quinn…"

Tong, having no idea what Glee was, just nodded.

"You watch Glee, right?" asked Okuni.

"No idea what it even is," Tong admitted.

"Oh, it's wonderful! It's about a high school glee club, but it's much more interesting than that," said Okuni, "anyway, one of the characters got herself pregnant via her boyfriend's best friend, and she lied and told her boyfriend it was his baby. And it all ended very badly."

"Right," said Tong—"wait, Glee, is this about singing?"

"Yes," said Okuni, "hence the whole 'Glee' part—"

"That's what Ce and Ning watch and sing along to," said Tong, rolling his eyes.

"And you don't watch with them?" Okuni asked, surprised.

"No, I have this thing to do called _studying_," Tong said with a roll of his eyes, "Ce and Ning don't."

"I see," said Okuni, nodding. She looked down at her stomach again.

"Everything okay?" Tong asked, feeling sorry for her.

"It has to be Keiji's," said Okuni, sounding absolutely miserable, "as much as we fight, I _love_ him, and… well, I don't want to think about what'll happen if it isn't!"

"I've never wanted to entrust a helpless baby in the hands of Keiji Maeda more," agreed Tong, reaching over and patting her hand, "c'mon, shit'll all work out, just like it always does. Keiji's Keiji, he'll love you if whatever happens. And he's insane. So he might not even think anything's wrong with it, come to think of it."

"What'll happen with Shang Xiang?" asked Okuni.

"Eh, knowing her, she'll probably kill me," said Tong thoughtfully, "…more realistically, she'll be pissed, but she'll come through. We've been friends for too long, y'know?"

"I hope that's the case," said Okuni sincerely, "you're a good guy, Tong, you deserve a nice girlfriend."

"I do," Tong agreed, "all right, speaking of her, she's… back in my place—"

"Naked and in your bed?" Okuni guessed, smiling.

Tong made a face at her, and grinned. "Shaddap. Alrighty, you've got my number, keep me posted?"

"Of course," Okuni agreed, jumping up to let him out, "thank you for being so understanding, of course~"

"Yeah, well," said Tong, smiling weakly, "all right, see ya later…"

xxxxxxxxxx

_Laaaaaater_…

"Tong, hey," said Shang Xiang sleepily, looking up at him and smiling, "g'mornin…"

"Hey," said Tong, sitting down on the bed next to her, trying to fight back the urge to screaaaaaaaaam because oh my god he was having a baby well he wasn't Okuni was but oh my god he was fathering a baby what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck—

"Last night was so much fun," Shang Xiang said, grinning as she sat up and pulled the blankets up enough to keep her covered, "what now?"

"Y'mean, like… what's _now_?" Tong asked curiously.

"Like, for the next two hours now," said Shang Xiang, rubbing her eyes sleepily, "m'still sleepy…"

"Go back to sleep," Tong suggested, "s'not like we've anything better to do, it's Sunday~"

"I love Sunday," said Shang Xiang, and flopped back down on Tong's bed. She looked over at him expectantly.

"What?"

"I'm cold!"

"Oh," said Tong, grabbing his N64 controller, turning on Harvest Moon, and settling down in bed next to Shang Xiang. He moved around enough so she could snuggle up to his chest and got his arms around her so he could play over her head. Stupid turnips. And—

"…the doctors say I can't ride a horse during the pregnancy. No, not the horse! Me! I'm pregnant!" shouted Ann. Tong winced as he read the words on-screen.

Stupid Okuni!

Okay, it wasn't all Okuni's fault. It was his fault. Half of his fault. But that other half was all hers, darn it.

He looked down at Shang Xiang, asleep again and out like a light. She was probably all excited thinking they were going to be together and happy and fluffy and blah blah blah, which Tong himself'd been even thinking about, _but_ she had to hear about this baby thing first. Arghhh.

Well, hopefully she didn't completely rip his face off when she found out. Maybe she'd stop at just ripping his nose off.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

_Laaaaaater_…

"Ning we're going don't burn the place down," Tong shouted over his shoulder, ushering Shang Xiang out of the dorm so Ning wouldn't see her.

"Uhhhnnn," Ning replied, from the pile he was on the couch. The door shut behind him, and he went back into what plants like to refer to as 'photosynthesis'. Seriously, that was all he was doing, funneling out carbon dioxide and breathing in oxygen. Ning wasn't legally alive at this hour.

Then there was a knock on the door.

"You've reached the house of Not Answering the Door, please leave a message after the Go Fuck Yourself," Ning called, "Go fuck yourself!"

"Such language!" shouted a voice on the opposite side of the door, "you let me in right now so I can give you the spanking you deserve!"

Ning recognized _that_ voice—NENEEEEEEEE~ and he jumped up, looking at his attire—shit, he looked like a slob. He sprinted off to his room, threw on some (clean!) clothes, brushed his teeth, washed his face, and sauntered off to the living room to answer the front door—"yeah? Oh—hey."

"Hello there!" said Nene cheerfully, "good morning~! Now where is the source of that _vulgarity_?"

"I beat 'im up, chucked him out the window," Ning said easily, "want to come in?"

"Oh, that'd be wonderful," said Nene, smiling, "have you eaten breakfast yet? It's the most important meal of the day, you know~"

"Right," Ning agreed—"Hey, I got an idea, how about we—"

"Is Tong around?" Nene asked, looking around, "I haven't spoken to him since our date the other night when I had to chase down Mitsunari!"

"…wait, you guys didn't break up?" Ning asked, confused.

"What?" asked Nene, "no, of course not, silly!" She narrowed her eyes. "Did you hear something of the contrary!"

"…s'not what I heard," admitted Ning sheepishly, "I think he figured after you took off on him that you guys were over."

"What!" asked Nene, surprised, "that's terrible! I would never cut things off so abruptly—does he—not want to—" She looked sad.

"Hey, hey, c'mon, don't look all sad—" Ning was about to panic, crying girls was a do not want—"Tong's a loser anyway! You can do way better!"

"Oh, I know _that_," said Nene, completely unperturbed. "I meant what is he going to do without _me_?"

"I dunno," said Ning, "but, uh—"

"Now I have to find someone else who needs my nurturing care," said Nene thoughtfully, "now I wonder who…"

"Uh—"

"I mean, after all—"

Ning turned her around so she was facing him, tilted her chin up, and kissed her, holding her shoulders to pull her closer. "_I _want you," he said firmly, "I think you're amazing. Tong's a fuckin' idiot."

Nene blinked a few times, completely taken by surprise—and then she grinned and threw her arms around Ning's neck and kissed him.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

~_9AM_…

When one had to give Shang Xiang bad news, it was best to avoid a few conditions before telling her said bad news. For example, her mood at the moment usually factored into her reaction (like, whether or not she'd kill you, instead of just punching you).

In Tong's case, he had to tell her he might be fathering the child of a girl Shang Xiang happened to hate. Fun.

So, to counter any chance of her strangling him with his own intestines, he decided to go the safe route. Take her to breakfast. A full Shang Xiang was a happy Shang Xiang.

And here they were, at Tong's idea of gourmet dining… Burger King.

"I got it," said Tong, digging his wallet out of his pocket and handing over a $10.

Shang Xiang positively beamed; "thanks, Tong!" she said, smiling big up at him. Tong flashed her a grin before collecting the change and stuffing it back into his wallet, reluctantly dropping some of the coinage into the 'feed a starving LEGGS' foundation collection box.

"You're sure in a good mood today," Tong commented, motioning for her to get her soda first.

"Huh?" said Shang Xiang, snapping the giddy smile off her face long enough to fill her cup with soda.

"Shang Xiang? Ice?" offered Tong.

"Huh? Oh—uhh—I don't like ice," she told him immediately.

Tong looked at her strangely. "Are you feeling okay?"

Shang Xiang hoped she didn't look too gleeful as she shook her head—"I'm fine, moron, I'm just in a good mood! I look good, I feel good, it's a beautiful day outside, and I'm wearing a smile that says 'Sun Shang Xiang, you're a winner!' The world is our oyster, Tong, let's go get the knife!" She finished this speech with a winning smile, as she sat down at a booth.

"Oooookay," said Tong, joining her, eying her strangely still.

"FIFTY-SIX!" shouted Dun.

"That's us!" said Tong, practically leaping out of his chair and hurrying over to collect the tray of food—"hey, what're you doing here, Dun?"

"I got fired from AA because 'I was scaring the customers'," growled Dun, "this world is racist against cyclopses, I'll have you know!"

"So instead you got a job in _food service_! Ew!" said Tong, looking revolted.

Dun shrugged. "I don't need peripheral vision to—uhh, enhance the flavor profile of consumer-grade beef patties and the like," he said, rolling his—er, eye. "Anyway, get lost."

"Is it cyclopses or cycli?" asked Tong, "'Cyclopses' sounds dumb."

"You're the only one here that sounds dumb," said Dun, making a face, "now get out of here before I go all 'Monster of Greek Mythology' on your ass!"

"Right!" said Tong, and scurried off—and Shang Xiang was _still_ giving him that big smile that was both cute and creepy at the same time, and arrrghhhhh he _really_ didn't want to have to tell her this—

"FOOD," said Shang Xiang gleefully, reaching for one of the two breakfast croissanwiches and unwrapping it, "Tong, you're the _best_~"

"For buying breakfast?" Tong asked, laughing despite himself.

"Well, not _just_ that," said Shang Xiang, blushing a little, "but for the moment, yes~!"

Tong smiled, feeling his insides squirm—why why why why WHY was Okuni pregnant! WHY! Why did the universe hate him! Especially after all this asking Shang Xiang out nonsense—she _still_ liked him, and the more he thought about it the more he liked her—arrrrrrrrghhhhh!

Well, let this be a lesson to you, moron, his nagging conscience nagged, serves you right to go around puttin' your kielbasa in a Hickory Farms gift basket you don't want to commit to—

Ah shaddap, conscience, you're not _perpetually horny_!

"Tong?" asked Shang Xiang, through a mouthful of sandwich (a combination of cute and mildly disgusting, Tong thought, before mentally smacking himself), "you're doing that—that self-arguing thing again!"

"How'd you—no I'm not!"

"Are too," said Shang Xiang, giggling, "you make a face like you're constipated!"

"…I'll have you know, I, uhh—"

"Am constipated?" Shang Xiang seemed to be holding back laughter—"does that mean you're not gonna finish your sandwich?"

"CROISSANWICH," corrected Dun, scowling.

"Whatever."

"Of course I am," Tong said immediately—"am going to finish, not am constipated—don't look at me like that, you garbage disposal!"

Shang Xiang just laughed. "We should do this more often," she said cheerfully, "good start to the day, and all that!"

"We should," agreed Tong, before he could quite stop himself—arggghhhhh.

Shang Xiang smiled at that, and he managed a weak smile in return. The atmosphere got very quiet, and awkward, after that; Shang Xiang poked at her hash browns and Tong made an inordinate amount of noise nervously sliding his straw up and down against his cup lid.

"Oi," said Dun, "get out, there's customers."

Tong craned his neck. "I don't see a one!"

Dun scowled—"the lunch rush is coming!"

"It's 9:45!"

"GET OUT!"

"Sheesh, fine," said Tong, "'thank you for your patronage' my ass—c'mon, Shang Xiang, s' a nice day, wanna go for a walk?"

"YES," said Shang Xiang immediately.

xxxxxxxxxxx

"So, uh… nice day," said Tong, after a moment.

"Yup," Shang Xiang agreed.

They were walking the perimeter of Grand Fountain park. Her hand kept bumping against his, as they were walking—Tong was very tempted to grab it, and then grab her, and then kiss her senseless—dammit, Okuni.

Shang Xiang at that point apparently seemed to have had enough of the dancing around the obvious, and Tong felt her small hand grab onto his—and his fingers were winding through hers before his conscience started bitching about leading her on, and whatnot. At the moment, he didn't care.

She glanced up at him, he looked at her, and just like that, their lips met, and Tong released her hand to slide his arm around her waist and draw her closer. Shang Xiang's arms were around his neck, and Tong even managed not to flip off the jogger yelling "GET A ROOM!" who had run by.

"What's wrong?" Shang Xiang asked, after a moment, pulling back, "you, uhh… seem like you're not all that into it…"

"Shang Xiang, Okuni's pregnant and she says I might be the father," Tong blurted out, taking a deep breath. Well, now he felt better.

"_Wh-what_!" demanded Shang Xiang, looking—Tong wasn't quite sure how to describe it, considering his eyes were closed, but she didn't _sound_ happy.

"Look, it might not be _for sure_, I'm demanding a paternity test because there's a damn good chance this thing isn't _mine_—well, okay, a 33% chance it's mine—would you stop giving me the stink eye? I feel bad enough already!"

"How else am I supposed to look at you!" demanded Shang Xiang, "how're you—god dammit, Tong, why does something always happen!"

Tong opened his mouth, but was spared a reply when Shang Xiang sighed loudly. She scowled up at him. "I shouldn't be getting mad at you," she said after a moment, stepping closer to him and hugging him tightly, "I'm just—I dunno, what're you gonna do if it is yours?"

"Waiting until I find out it's mine before I start thinking about it," Tong answered.

"Look, I don't care, I want _you_ more than I don't like _her_—"

Tong cut her off hugging her tighter. "Believe me, that means a lot," he said, "but I'm not letting you commit yourself to a guy with a kid, worst case scenario—"

"You don't call the shots for me," said Shang Xiang firmly, "33%'s not the kind of odds I like to hear, but as far as I'm concerned—it's not 100%. And until it is, well—I know optimism's not _your_ thing but it is _mine_ and that's what I'm holding onto!"

"Thanks for not ripping my head off," said Tong, sighing.

"It crossed my mind a couple times," Shang Xiang admitted with a scowl, "…but, nothing I can do about that now. Ning and my brother know yet?"

"No, I just found out a few hours ago," said Tong, "I'll tell 'em later, I guess. They're gonna laugh at me, though."

"No they won't," said Shang Xiang, sounding exasperated, "s'not a laughing matter!"

"No, we had this bet going, the first to be an accidental baby daddy bet," Tong said dully, "Ce and I both bet Ning, Ning bet Ce. We're all losing some money."

"Why the hell would he bet _Ce_?" Shang Xiang asked, snorting, "Da's had Ce by the balls for the past five years and he _still_ hasn't gone past second! With her."

"WHAT," Tong asked, wide-eyed, "who'd he—with! Besides Ning, I mean."

"No idea," said Shang Xiang, and she cringed—"oh, ew, do you have to remind me of that!"

"Considering Ning still wakes up crying about it, yes," Tong grumbled.

"I mean, I know Xiao wants him like oxygen but I don't think that's really ever going to work out," Shang Xiang said thoughtfully, tapping her chin. "Stupid Ce. You know how annoying it is when _both_ your roommates want to fuck your older brother!"

"Considering my roommate already did and is crying about it to this very day, I think I have it a bit worse," Tong said, "stupid Ce sex appeal."

"OH GOD NOT YOU TOO," howled Shang Xiang.

"Calm down, calm down, you're the only Sun I'd ever have sex with," Tong said assuringly, chasing thoughts of Mrs. Sun and all her MILF-ness out of his brain.

"Thank god," said Shang Xiang firmly, "man, if girls don't want to have sex with my brother they're calling my _dad _a DILF, _disgusting_—"

"Yeah I don't get that," Tong said, chuckling, "even though all my dad's girlfriends usually turn out to be someone I went to kindergarten with, or something."

"THAT I don't understand at all," said Shang Xiang, making a disgusted face, "ew! Your dad's _old_!"

"Same age as your dad!"

"He's old too!"

Tong considered it. "Yeah, good point," he said after a moment, and grabbed her in another hug. "Thanks," he said, "I feel better now, I think."

"That's good," said Shang Xiang agreeably, "I've been told I have that effect on people—no, no, I usually make things worse, actually. Never mind~"

Tong groaned. "Was that supposed to make me feel any better!"

"No."

xxxxxxxxxxxx

_Later_…

"What're you doing, Nagamasa?" Oichi asked, looking at her boyfriend's laptop screen.

"Working on a paper," said Nagamasa glumly, "for your brother—can't you put in a good word for me? He hates me! He calls me your sperm donor! In class!"

Oichi scowled. "He does _what_? Remind me to have a word with him, in that case!"

"You're so wonderful," gushed Nagamasa, "I'm so lucky, I have the most wonderful girlfriend in the universe~"

Sitting nearby, Yun Lu tried not to barf too much. She was in the library for two reasons; one, this was where her dumb brother was least likely to ever find her, and two, she'd seen Yun come in here, _on his own_ for once—and as a result, she was putting up with the fluff morons over there. Yuck.

"Well, _hello there_, beautiful~" said a voice from behind her, and Yun Lu groaned, turning around, and jumped seeing Kanetsugu's face about an inch from hers.

"Eeep," she said, shifting back a bit, "who are you! Go away!"

"My name's Kanetsugu Naoe," grumbled Kanetsugu, "I've been every single class with you since freshman year!"

"Oh. I'm not good with names and faces, sorry. Now go away!"

"But I want to stay," said Kanetsugu, sitting down and grabbing an abandoned book, "—hey, look, it's Oichi~!"

"Her boyfriend is going to kick your ass," Yun Lu informed him.

"Oh, please, he might have big muscles but they do nothing in the face of my _honor_!"

"Is that like a euphemism for penis?"

"No—well, unless you want to find out for yourself—OW OW OW LET GO OF MY HONORABLE EAR!"

Yun Lu scowled. "I don't like guys like you," she informed him flatly, scowling.

"Why not?" whined Kanetsugu, "I have this nice hat!"

"Looks like you're with the KKK," said Yun Lu dryly.

"Why does everyone say that! White is my favorite color!"

"Weren't you the guy who got arrested for arson the other day? Burning _large cross-shaped objects_!"

"Those weren't crosses! They were H's for _honor_! They just split in half."

"Why would you _burn_ H's for honor! That doesn't make any sense!"

"Your mind is closed to the way of honor, and it is clouding both your eyes and your judgment," said Kanetsugu knowledgeably, "open your mind to me, Yun Lu, and I will bring you on a journey of honor!"

"Why does that sound so damn sexual?" grumbled Yun Lu, "I'm gonna have to pass on that! And go away!"

"Never!"

"I thought that'd be too easy to get rid of you—seriously get lost, you're annoying!"

"The messenger of honor will never be shooed away by the flyswatter of evil!"

"EVIL! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING EVIL!" shouted Yun Lu, jumping up and grabbing Kanetsugu by his collar, "IF LADY JUSTICE HAD A PAIR OF TOTALLY HOT LEGS SHE WOULD LOOK LIKE _ME_, PAL! WHERE DO YOU GET OFF CALLING ME EVIL!"

"The ears of honor! They bleed!" howled Kanetsugu.

"Oichi, look! Violence!" said Nagamasa.

"Ooooooh!" said Oichi, excited (she _loved_ violence! She beat the hell out of like eight gangbangers once with a _kendama_!).

"Oichi!" scolded Nagamasa, "violence comes only when all other possible alternatives have been exhausted! Our faith in our honor is supposed to remind us of that!"

"But it's _fun_," pouted Oichi, "oh, fine."

Yun _was_ in the library, but he'd heard the yelling and ran to go hide—he'd recognize that yelling a mile away, _Yun Lu was here to kill him_!

Sure, he _deserved _it, but he was too young and pretty—cough—HANDSOME to die, and and and—

Yun Lu had gotten quite sick of Kanetsugu, and finally just decided to go with her natural instinct, beat the hell out of him.

Yun watched, wide-eyed—see, _that_ was how a woman was _supposed to be_! Violent!

God dammit, but he was torn. He did like Ji, enough to punch out her jerk ex-boyfriend the other day, but… Yun Lu was so _cute_! And he really, really, _really_ liked her—arghh.

Hey, maybe they'd be up for a threesome? Yun felt himself grin at _those_ mental images—

"GET OUTTA HERE!" Yun Lu shouted, throwing Kanetsugu out the (second-story) window, and Yun gulped. Yeah, okay, maybe not so much…

"Yun," greeted Magoichi, thumping Yun on the back, "what's up, man? Looks like you just saw a ghost."

"I think I saw _my_ ghost," said Yun weakly, "hello, Magoichi. Uh—who's your friend?"

"My name is Gracia!" chirped Gracia, "Mago and I are pals!"

"…is that what he calls it?" Yun asked, glaring at Magoichi.

Magoichi had the good grace to look affronted. "What? She started following _me_, dude!"

"Right," said Yun, rolling his eyes.

"Hey, that reminds me," Magoichi said to Gracia, "how old are you?"

Gracia thought about it. "Twenty? Four? And a half?"

Magoichi looked at her for a moment, and grinned. "Well, I do like older women…"

Yun rolled his eyes as Magoichi and Gracia went off, and tried to keep his eyes off the blonde Amazon kicking ass and taking names in the library (well, really just leaping out of the window to finish Kanetsugu off, yelling something about 'LADY JUSTICE BEATS HONOR, ASSHOLE'). Yeah, his life was over.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

_That afternoon…_

"Why's he even here!" Keiji grumbled in Toshiie's direction.

"Because I might possibly be carrying his child, Keiji, we discussed this," said Okuni, flicking through the copy of Cosmo magazine she found in the waiting room of Whose Yo Daddy, the new paternity clinic the college had just had put in (this was a good source of income for the campus, apparently).

Toshiie made a face at Keiji, and Keiji almost immediately returned the favor.

"If that kid is yours I'm gonna kill you," Keiji informed Toshiie.

Toshiie sighed. "I would say just keep the kid even if it _is_ mine! But we'd all be able to tell whose it is, considering I'm hot and you aren't!"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY!" Keiji shouted, leaping to his feet (and hitting his head on the waiting room ceiling).

"I SAID YOU'RE UGLY!"

"YOU TAKE IT BACK!"

"NO!"

"GOD DAMMIT!" howled a teenage voice, and some brunette girl stormed out from the back room, quickly followed by a tall, muscular black man and a very Jewish looking man—"I don't care if you two mixed your sperm together with a turkey baster, you can't _both_ be my dad!"

"Rachel, we're your _dads_! We share the duty!"

"But I want to know which of you is my _actual_ dad!" Rachel squawked, stomping her foot, and stormed out of the office dramatically. The dads exchanged glances and ran out after her.

The doctor blinked a few times as he left the back room—"are they gone?" he asked the woman at the front desk.

"Well, considering they're not _here_ anymore, they either burned up upon re-entry or they left," said the woman sarcastically.

"Dammit, Jeanne, just because my wife found out doesn't mean you get to sass me—"

"I don't care! I'm not one of your little Tiger Woods whores! You either stay with her or leave me! …wait." Jeanne looked confused.

"Dammit Jeanne—"

Toshiie cleared his throat loudly. The doctor jumped and turned bright red. "Oh—hello! Are you patients here?"

"No, just here for the scenery," said Okuni, shaking her head.

"I dunno, shit is kinda like a bad soap opera around here," Keiji commented.

"Right," said the doctor, trying to project some image of 'knowing what the fuck he was doing'. He grabbed a clipboard off Jeanne's desk and checked something. "Well, umm—Miss Izumo?"

"That would be me," said Okuni.

"All right, then, if you'll just follow me…" The doctor tilted his head in the direction of the office. Okuni sighed and went for her purse.

"Hey, wait a minute, I'm goin' too!" said Keiji, scowling at the doctor. This jerk had some shifty lookin' eyes!

"Why, so you can break something and forget everything the doctor tells you?" Toshiie asked snidely.

"BOYS!" said Okuni loudly.

"Well, you both can't come in," said the doctor, "…you both can't come in… is that a pun, considering we're in a paternity clinic?"

"No," said Toshiie and Keiji loudly, still glaring at each other.

Okuni sighed. "Doctor, can you please make a decision, so these two don't start an Agni Kai and destroy your office?"

"Well, um…" The doctor looked like a deer-in-headlights here—"um, which of you is the baby's father?"

"…that's kind of what we're here to _find out_, doctor," Toshiie said dryly.

"Oh. Right. And you boys are…" the doctor looked between them.

"He's my uncle," said Keiji, "so the bun in my girlfriend's oven is either my kid, or my niece/nephew, which would just be creepy. Because THIS LOSER couldn't keep his hands off my girlfriend! MY GIRLFRIEND!"

"That's not true!" shouted Toshiie, "I mean, yes, I did sleep with her, but you two were broken up at the time! And she said she didn't have any intentions of getting back together with you anyway! I'm the victim here!"

"Actually I think the pregnant girl is the victim here," began the doctor.

"Shut up!" Toshiie and Keiji shouted at the doctor, and glared back at each other.

"You're too much of a loser to get any girls of your own!"

"And you're too much of an idiot to hang onto the one woman who'll have you in this world!"

"Yeah, well… you slept with my girlfriend!"

"And I've regretted it ever since!"

"You do this all the time!"

"No I don't!"

"Yeah you do! Is this because I wrecked your car!"

"YOU WRECKED MY CAR!"

"Okay, so it wasn't because I wrecked your car—"

"YOU WRECKED MY CAR!"

"AND YOU (possibly) KNOCKED UP MY GIRLFRIEND!"

"YOU WRECKED MY CAR!"

"WOULD YOU TWO BOTH SHUT THE FUCK UP!" bellowed Okuni, looking exasperated.

"Oh, no, it's the pregnancy hormones already," groaned Keiji, "smite me now, gods of thunder—"

"It's not the pregnancy hormones! It's you two being idiots!" said Okuni, "clearly neither one of you can handle the gravity of this situation! I'm going in _alone_!"

"If she had said that earlier, she wouldn't be pregnant," the doctor remarked. Keiji cracked his knuckles ominously and the doctor grinned sheepishly before retreating to his office, a rather frightened-looking Okuni following behind.

"That jerk better not touch her," Keiji grumbled, sitting back down in his chair, picking up a Seventeen magazine—"hey, if this place is against teen pregnancy why do they have teen magazines here!"

"And why are they showing Juno on TV?" asked Toshiie, making a face, "this place gives me the creeps, I hate doctor's offices!"

"You're scaaaaaaaaared!" Keiji laughed nastily.

"How's that headache of yours?"

"What headache?"

"THIS ONE!" Toshiie punched Keiji in the head, sending him tumbling out of his seat; enraged, Keiji jumped to his feet (hitting his head on the ceiling again) and scowled at his uncle—"YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN!"

"Yeah, I'm fairly sure that's not gonna happen," Toshiie scoffed, sitting back in his chair and putting his feet up on the ottoman.

Keiji scowled again, grabbed Toshiie's leg, and dragged him off the couch before the two Maedas burst into a rather spectacular fist fight. Jeanne watched with interest—she didn't know a guy's leg could twist like that!—and finally, the two slowed down, gasping for air, leaning on each other half-heartedly (while still trying to pummel the shit out of one another).

"Let's not fight," said Toshiie, between gasps, "we're all we have!"

"Right," said Keiji, wheezing, "I'm sorry, Uncle Toshiie."

"Damn right you're sorry," grumbled Toshiie, "you told me Magoichi wrecked my car! I beat him up for that!"

"Well I'm sure he deserved getting beaten up for something," said Keiji reasonably.

"This is true," said Toshiie thoughtfully.

"So, uh… what's gonna happen with us now?" asked Keiji.

"We're going to sit here and wait for Okuni to tell us which of us she's going to have by the balls for 18 years," said Toshiie.

"No, I mean—what about our bond, man?" asked Keiji.

"Our _what_?"

"Like you don't know!"

"Stop giving the slash fangirls ammunition," grumbled Toshiie, "I don't want people getting ideas! What the hell are you going on about!"

"If my girlfriend's your _baby mama_," grumbled Keiji, "what's that gonna do to _us_, man?"

"Make family reunions incredibly awkward, I'm sure," said Toshiie, "oh come off it, Keiji, it's not like we ever got along growing up as it is!"

"You're like the best friend I have!" said Keiji, looking horrified, "I love you, man! In a totally straight way—"

"The mere fact that you had to specify will make the slash fangirls cheer," grumbled Toshiie.

"Would you quit breakin' the fourth wall! They cheer whenever we look at each other, somethin' about 'our eyes have our true feelings'—OH WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING," Keiji grumbled.

"I've been asking myself the same thing ever since you started talking," agreed Toshiie. "Okay, fine, so I don't totally despise you like I pretend to. You're actually good company. And if it turns out your girlfriend is carrying _my_ kid, well…"

"Well what?" Keiji asked, wide-eyed.

"Why are we being so negative here? Watch the kid turn out to be Tong's, or something," said Toshiie, shaking his head.

"You just can't tell me you love me," grumbled Keiji, "how could anyone not love this face!" Keiji did a ':D' face that, in Toshiie's opinion, was mildly terrifying.

"I have no idea," said Toshiie, "let's just pretend this conversation never happened, all right?"

"Okay," agreed Keiji, "—oh, I gotta do it, just once—c'mere!" He grabbed his uncle in a hug.

"KEIJI LEGGO! ARGHHHH!"

"Awww," said Jeanne at the counter.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"I feel like a game show host," said the doctor, looking at the results and comparing them to the DNA samples Toshiie, Keiji and Tong had submitted. "Miss Izumo, are you ready… to find out… WHO IS YO BABY DADDY!"

Okuni looked mildly horrified.

"I'm sorry, that was mildly unprofessional of me," said the doctor remorsefully, "your baby's father actually matches neither of these samples, ma'am."

"WHAT!" squawked Okuni, "don't tell me it's Magoichi, doctor, Keiji would _never_ forgive me!"

"Who?" asked the doctor, "Magoichi _Saika_?"

"Yes!"

"He was in here last week," said the doctor thoughtfully, "and the week before, too. I don't know about the week before that, I just got out of medical school—"

"DOCTOR," said Okuni loudly, "just—who is it!"

"Well, ma'am, the truth is, there is no match for any man alive," said the doctor.

"What!" asked Okuni, "is this an—immaculate conception!" She looked up at the sky in terror.

"No, no," said the doctor, "you're just not pregnant."

"I'm… not pregnant?" Okuni asked blankly.

"If you are, it's not coming up on here," said the doctor, squinting.

"Isn't that upside down?" Okuni asked.

"Huh? Oh." He flipped the paperwork upside down again. "No, you're still not pregnant… am I supposed to say 'congratulations' or console you? This is my first negative pregnancy test…"

"But I haven't been feeling well!" whined Okuni, "how can I not be pregnant, I already told everyone I know! My roommate is already planning me a baby shower!"

(Actually, in all honesty, Nene was planning on _stealing_ the baby, but Okuni didn't know that.)

"I don't know what to tell you, miss," said the doctor, squinting at the paperwork again, "you know, you might have had a bad breakfast burrito, or something, I hear that's a common misconception of pregnancy…"

"Oh—" Okuni didn't know whether to be disappointed or cheerful; sure, if she was pregnant her life would be over, but at least she'd be able to guilt-trip and freeload off her baby daddy for all time—"are you _sure_?"

"Yep."

Okuni sighed.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

_Around 5:30PM~_

Yun got back to his apartment, tossing his jacket on the hook coming out from the wall—"Chao?" he called.

"YUN THERE YOU ARE WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BELIEVE THIS DON'T JUDGE ME AS ANY LESS OF A MAN OF JUSTICE BUT I THINK I KILLED SOMEONE!" Chao shouted, leaping off the couch and managing all that in about one second.

Yun blinked a few times—"who and the what now?" he asked, confused.

Chao groaned. "You can't help me at all, can you!" he grumbled, "oh, fine, just listen—I THINK I KILLED SOMEONE!"

"WHAT!" squawked Yun, "what are you still doing in the country! There's still enough time to get to the Bahamas!"

"I don't have that kind of money! And I don't think I could bring myself to lie to border patrol!"

"Then swim to Europe!"

"I can't do that either!"

"Rent a boat!"

"YUN WOULD YOU STOP OFFERING USELESS SUGGESTIONS!" Chao groaned and flopped back on the couch. "I haven't moved from this spot in three days!"

Yun considered that, and then took a few steps back. Gross.

"You know, Chao," he began, keeping his distance, "um—I think you should be going about your everyday life. If you're acting suspicious and skipping all your classes, it'll be a pretty obvious sign you're a murderer in hiding."

"That's so well thought out!" said Chao, amazed, "who are you and what'd you do with Yun?"

Yun scowled. "_Thank you."_

"No problem, buddy," said Chao, grinning and getting up, "I feel my confidence being restored as we speak! Go me!"

Yun sighed. "Right."

"So where the hell have you been for the past, uhh…" Chao didn't remember. "I figured you got dragged off by another drug cartel, I didn't bother calling the R.A this time around—"

"Oh, thanks a lot!" said Yun, scowling, "I'm fine, I've been—" He looked over his shoulder. "You have to promise not to kick my ass."

"…depends," said Chao suspiciously, "oh, that reminds me!"

"What?"

Chao got up and punched Yun clean across the face. "That's for my sister," he said, scowling, ignoring Yun's pained whines, "from what she told me, _that_ sounds like it was necessary—what the hell were you thinking, you giant douche!"

"I wasn't thinking," Yun admitted sheepishly, "and then Ji sunk her claws into my arm and—"

"You got assaulted by _another_ girl?" Chao guessed, "sheesh, Yun, there is such a thing as a _spine_, why don't you grow one!"

"I have a spine!"

"Yeah, for useless shit, like that time on Black Friday two years ago when you ran back into the electronics section of Wal-mart to save that abandoned baby," said Chao, making a face, "and then that single father tried to hump your leg as a result—"

"Can we not get into this!" grumbled Yun, "that was the single most embarrassing moment of my life! Ditto to the fact that my second cousin works in the security department of that very store, and every family reunion we've had since then, he breaks out the tape and everyone laughs!"

"Can I get a copy of that?" Chao asked, and sighed—"all right, so what the hell's your problem! My sister's out for your blood and you're stuck with that nutcase Ji? Dump her ass and get with my sister, you moron!"

"…but that's the problem," said Yun, sheepishly, "I kind of like her too! But I still like Yun Lu! I'm torn!"

"So let me guess this straight. You can't decide which smitten beautiful woman you want to hump, and I'M HIDING IN MY DORM BECAUSE I THINK I MURDERED SOMEONE!" shouted Chao. "You think you got it bad!"

"I helped solve your problem!" complained Yun, "you help me with mine!"

"I'll help you with _another_ problem—"

"Oh, man, now all the 'Chao Yun' fangirls are going to start cheering—"

"THEY CAN SHUT UP! THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME!"

"There they go again with the cheering!"

"I'M GOING TO POUND YOU INTO THE WALL!"

"…I'm not even going to bother dignifying that with a response!"

"Because you're a wuss! You know I'd top you in a brawl!"

"This conversation has very quickly become uncomfortable!"

xxxxxxxxxx

_Even later_…

"All right, Okuni, whose is it?" Tong asked. She had asked the three potential baby daddies to meet up at the Steak n Shake earlier, and here they were.

"She won't tell," said Keiji, grumbling, "said something about 'dramatic tension'!"

"Oh, great," complained Toshiie, "you know, but you're just going to hold it over our heads and torture us with it, huh?"

"Would you three be quiet?" asked Okuni, "I'd like to get whatever fun I can get out of this situation, thank you!" She cleared her throat and took two envelopes out of her purse. "I have your results right here!"

"THIS ISN'T A GAME SHOW," Tong said through gritted teeth, "just ruin one of our lives already so we can get on with our lives!"

"Or not," said Toshiie, "whichever one of us is the baby daddy, I mean."

"Well, may the better sperm win," said Tong, "…hey, wait a minute. This is something we _don't_ wanna win—"

"I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE!" said Okuni loudly, "impregnating me is not the worst thing that could happen, you know!"

"Unless you have hopes or dreams," agreed Tong, "just—get on with it!"

Okuni held up the two envelopes. "The name I'm about to read… is _not_… my baby daddy. Okay?"

"Can't believe how lightly she's taking this," Toshiie grumbled to Tong.

"BOTH OF YOU SHADDAP," Keiji shouted, "Okuni's the prettiest girl in the whole world and when _she's_ happy, I'm not gonna punch ya! GOT IT!"

"Bring it on, you ogre-faced freak, I'm not afraid of you—" Tong began, but Okuni kicked him underneath the table. "OW!"

"That couldn't possibly have hurt—OW," complained Toshiie, getting kicked too, "we'll stfu! Just stop kicking us!"

"Have mercy," Tong begged.

Okuni sighed and opened the envelope. "Toshiie, you're not it."

"FREEDOM! FREEDOM!" cheered Toshiie, leaping up and punching the air, "YEAH! GO ME! One might call it an affront to my sperm but I call it a BLESSING FROM ABOVE!" And he ran out of the Steak n' Shake, dancing like he was in a Broadway musical.

Keiji looked at Okuni. "It was really that much trouble pickin' between the two of us!"

"Toshiie is hot," Okuni informed him. She looked at both Tong and Keiji, staring at her expectantly—"what? It's not polite to stare!"

"Well, whose is it!" Tong asked.

"I can't tell you that _now_! It would ruin the fun!"

"Wh—" Tong made various gestures with his hands, trying to find some words to properly describe his frustration—"why not!"

"It ain't supposed to be fun! Tell!" complained Keiji.

Okuni shook her head primly. "Nope," she said, "I have to get some enjoyment out of this!"

"ARGHHHHHHHHHH," groaned Keiji, hitting his head on the table (and causing every plate on the table to bounce), "hey, since Uncle T left, who's footing his bill?"

"Bye," said Tong pointedly, getting up and scurrying off.

"I do believe I left my purse at home," said Okuni.

Keiji groaned, dropped a $20 on the table, and grabbed his girlfriend's arm (gently). "C'mon," he grumbled, waiting until they were outside before speaking again. "Y'can at least tell _me_, y'know! I mean, I get it if ya wanna mess with his dumb head a little, since he makes all those weird faces when he gets all pissy, but—"

"Keiji, it's just that I don't want you getting angry at me if I do tell you," Okuni said, choosing her words carefully.

"I like you too much t'do that," Keiji said awkwardly, rubbing at his nose, "…you're my girl, y'know?"

"Well I suppose I can tell you something," said Okuni, moved by this, "oh, Keiji, I'm so sorry, but—it's not yours either!"

"…." Keiji sighed. "I don't care. Tell him it's mine anyway!"

"It's not Tong's either," Okuni told him, managing a smile.

"…huh? Then—whose is it!" Keiji asked, confused.

"It's not anyone's. I'm not pregnant."

"…ARE YOU SERIOUS!"

"No, I'm not serious, I'm _Okuni_," said Okuni lightly, "Keiji, you're not mad, are you?"

"Well, I dunno," said Keiji, scratching his (giant) head, "I mean… it'd be cute to have a kid and all that, but as long as you're not havin' _that_ wuss's baby—"

"Well, I'm not," said Okuni firmly, and smiled up at her boyfriend, holding her arms up. "Carry me away?" she suggested.

Keiji grinned and swooped her up, tossing her over his shoulder. "F' you say so, babe!" he said cheerfully, "woo!"

xxxxxxxxxx

Holy crap, folks. I just read over a couple of the back chapters, and I realize what a crappy proofreading job I did! I've left out whole lines! I've left scenes unfinished! Arghh!

I would like to tell you I did a proofreading job that would put all the others to shame, but, uh, sorry. XD I was lazy again.

Ah well, as long as you understand the gist of it, I think we're good ;D Reviews are a wonderful thing!


	15. Half Truism

Wow, this thing's already at fifteen chapters? O_O Didn't even think I'd make it to six. Fuck yeah. Go me!

Anyway, I had a little anecdote to share that had something to do with the story, but I forgot what it was. Le sigh.

Here we go with the fifteenth installment of… DYNASTY WARRIORS COLLEGE (+5 points for original titles :P)

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Tong was torn as to even bother heading back to his dorm after leaving the Steak n Shake; he figured the obvious gloom and misery on his face would trigger some sort of alarm in Ning's brain and he wasn't in the mood to go into the messy details at the moment.

However, he also liked his bed. This wandering man of misery shit wasn't gonna work out in the long term. So…

Subconsciously, he felt like he was being watched. He looked up instinctively, and—

"TOOOOOOONG," shouted Shang Xiang's voice from above, and Tong craned his neck to try and figure out _where the fuck she was_—oh, there she was, on the balcony of her apartment. On the 4th floor. He blinked a few times and offered a wave.

Shang Xiang waved back, and shrugged her shoulders before jumping right off the balcony, causing Tong's eyes to widen rather comically, but much to gravity's complete dismay, made a perfect landing on her feet. "Touchdown!"

"H-how'd you do that without breaking your legs?" Tong demanded, staring.

Shang Xiang shrugged. "I dunno!" she said, tapping at the concrete ground with the toe of her sneaker, "these shoes _are _shock-absorbing…"

"And gravity-defying," commented Tong dryly, "anyways, hi."

"Hi~!" agreed Shang Xiang cheerfully, "you sure seem down in the dumps. How goes it?"

"Uh," began Tong delicately.

"I always hate sentences that start like that. What is it now?" Shang Xiang groaned, "you find anyone else to inseminate?"

"Heeeeey," whined Tong, "that's not the case at all! Mostly."

"What's 'mostly' mean!"

"The Webster definition, I believe, is—"

"TONG!"

"Sorry, sorry. Well, uh, y'know that 33% chance I was telling you about? The chance of being struck by lightning being better than that 33% chance?"

"Uh-huh…"

"Well, uhh, about that~"

"Oh for the love of all things good and holy just spit it out already dammit!"

Tong winced. Yep, there was the Shang Xiang he knew. "Uh, it kind of went up. To 50%."

"50%!" screeched Shang Xiang, "that's like more than half!"

"No, it's just half," Tong corrected, damn Sun family brains (or lack there of).

"That's still _bad_!"

"I know it is! But, uh, better 50% than 100%?"

"That's so disgustingly optimistic of you it makes me want to—HEY, wait a minute! You're Tong! You're never optimistic!" Shang Xiang's eyes narrowed, and she pointed at him—"WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DID YOU DO WITH LING TONG!"

"I'm right here!" Tong whined, making a face, "damn but you're spazzy today, did you have a bowl of sugar for dinner!"

"Actually I might have, Xiao cooked," said Shang Xiang thoughtfully, tapping her chin thoughtfully, "BUT! That's not the point! Point is, what are YOU going to do about this Okuni problem of yours!"

"Cry and hide in the fetal position?" Tong offered.

"NO," said Shang Xiang loudly, "that might be your idea of a brave campaign but not mine!"

"Campaign? Shang Xiang what the heck are you going on about," Tong asked, confused.

"I'm talking about—" Shang Xiang cut herself off. Sure, her original idea to kidnap Okuni and demand the truth wasn't a _bad_ one, but waking up at the bottom of a lake was so cliché nowadays…

"You have that look on your face," said Tong suspiciously.

"What look?"

"That evil one!"

"I don't know what you're talking about!"

Tong sighed. "You're being weird again," he surmised. "Well, I guess I'll see you later…?"

"Actually, can I come with?" Shang Xiang asked, smiling sheepishly, "not like, you know, the other night, but… I dunno, it's better? I guess?" She grinned weakly.

Tong looked at her for a moment, before grinning and grabbing her arm, tugging her closer and dropping an arm around her shoulders. "C'mon," he said, figuring this was probably a bad idea but not caring enough to counter it, really. Life was short~

xxxxxxxxx

_Next morning…_

Of course, the next morning soon came, and after Shang Xiang left, Tong decided to bite the damn bullet and tell his best friends why he'd been so secretive over the past few days…

"YOU WHAT," squawked Ning and Ce in unison, not even taking the typical time to glare at each other and deny speaking in unison was a sign of sexual tension, "HOW!"

"Well, when a girl gets very horny and ties an innocent guy up in his own bedroom and—"

"Not _that_!" shouted Ning.

"No, that," said Ce, looking wide-eyed and confused, "go on! OW!" Ning had elbowed him.

"Dammit we just lost like $30 didn't we," said Ning, horrified, "FUCK!"

"BACK TO THE IMPORTANT PART HERE," said Tong, his teeth gritted, "ME. What the hell am I supposed to do!"

"Cry?" suggested Ce.

"Kill yourself?" offered Ning.

Tong facepalmed. "You two are idiots."

"Preaching to the choir," answered Ce flippantly.

"Don't I fucking know it."

xxxxxxxxxx

_That afternoon…_

"!"

Yukimura Sanada jumped and promptly dropped all the books he was carrying. Over the side of the balcony. While some unfortunate freshman had about six hardcover textbooks dropped on his head, Yukimura had problems of his own as his vision became incredibly pink.

Not like that, you disgusting perverts. Kunoichi grinned at him. "Hi!" she chirped.

"Hi," said Yukimura, looking sadly at the books that the freshman was now escaping with.

"Well don't you sound bright and cheerful," said Kunoichi, frowning, "turn that frown upside down!"

"That kid just ran off with six of my books," said Yukimura, "that was an entire months worth of paychecks! I've been eating ramen for months!"

"Explains why your buns look so good," Kunoichi commented off-handedly.

Yukimura sighed loudly. As much as he wanted to strangle his childhood best friend at times, the whole nostalgia thing usually got in the way. He smiled weakly. "What's up?" he asked.

"Why, Yukimura, I am appalled you think I would have no reason to communicate with you other than selfish desires," said Kunoichi, shaking her head, "actually I found these Nickleback tickets, and I know how you pop a boner for crappy faux-rock crap, so I picked them up for you—hey, look, Daughtry's opening for them! That's like twice the faux-rock crap for the price of one!"

"I like one song!" Yukimura grumbled, "that doesn't make me a fanboy!"

"When footage of you rockin' out to 'S.E.X.' in the boys' locker room goes viral on Youtube it kind of does, old pal," said Kunoichi.

"That was the worst day of my life," said Yukimura, shuddering.

"At least nobody knew it was your ass?" Kunoichi offered.

"I suppose—what day is that concert anyway?" Yukimura asked.

"Tomorrow," said Kunoichi, examining the tickets, "why? Don't tell me you're _busy_, you never are!"

"I am too!" said Yukimura, drooping, "actually I'm always busy tomorrow, every single year—it's the date of my annual friendship sleepover!"

"…your _what_?" Kunoichi asked.

"My friendship sleepover," Yukimura explained, "ever since high school, myself, Mitsunari and Kanetsugu all get together for a night of fun and friendship! And we renew our friendship vows and promise never to break them!"

"Why does that sound less exciting than a night of Bingo at the retirement home?" asked Kunoichi rhetorically, "well, whatevs. What time?"

"9," said Yukimura immediately, before clamping both hands over his mouth—"I mean—uhh—you can't come!"

"Why not!" demanded Kunoichi.

"Boys only!"

"Oh okay so you're going to have your own Y-chromosome-themed slumber party and not invite me! Get outta town!"

"You can't come, Kunoichi, I'm sorry! Boys only! It's a tradition!"

"Get a new tradition!"

"That's what the _tradition_ part is!"

"What if I show up naked?"

Yukimura turned bright red—"well, Kanetsugu would certainly fight for your attendance, but—dammit Kunoichi you just can't come! I'm sorry!"

"So what am I supposed to do? And besides, it's not a sleepover if you _live with the people you're having the sleepover with_!"

Yukimura looked like his brain was about to explode re:Kunoichi logic, and instead shook his head and ran off. Running off, always the way to go.

Kunoichi watched him run off, and put her hands on her hips, her expression thoughtful. Now, all she needed was a way to crash that sleepover and she'd be home free~!

xxxxxxxxx

_Evening_…

"You know what I don't get?" Shang Xiang huffed, scowling as she stomped around her familiar stomping ground around the coffee table in the center of Ning and Tong's dorm.

"You know what _I_ don't get? Why do you always come _here _in moments of distress! You think I'm an idiot!" Ning grumbled.

"Don't be an idiot! I don't think that at all! Now shut up and listen to me!"

Ning groaned and began questioning the possibilities of seppuku via remote control. Worth a shot, at least.

"I will never understand whatever weird connection Tong and Okuni have in the first place! I mean—it's not like he _likes_ her, right!" Shang Xiang vented, scowling, "she's going steady with that one guy anyway, right!"

"My subscription to Okuni's Life Story seems to have expired, I have no—OW," grunted Ning, when Shang Xiang kicked him. "What the hell do I have to be here for anyway! Go join a dumb therapy group!"

"You're being awfully insensitive for once," said Shang Xiang, "you normally at least _pretend_ to care…"

Ning made a face. "I'm not hanging out with my hot girlfriend now. I'm listening to you. Sorry for being a little bitter!"

"Whoa, whoa, _girlfriend_!" Shang Xiang repeated, grinning, "no kidding! Who is she?"

"Nene," answered Ning, a big uncharacteristically goofy grin on his face.

Shang Xiang blinked—"wait wait wait, Tong's Nene? My creepy doppelganger Nene?"

"Please don't call her that," said Ning, looking slightly nauseous.

"Yeah, yeah. So you're using up Tong's sloppy seconds, huh? I'm disappointed~"

"Shut up! I am not!"

"Uh-huh. So, _girlfriend_, huh~? Pretty big word for you, mister player~"

"Actually she hasn't _called_ me her boyfriend yet… and we haven't like talked about it or whatever," said Ning thoughtfully, "but she probably just hasn't—"

"Booty call," Shang Xiang interrupted.

"What?"

"Booty call," repeated Shang Xiang, "she's rebounding off Tong with you. Bummer."

"Pfft," answered Ning, "Gan Ning ain't a booty call! I'm the real deal!"

"Except for with Nene," said Shang Xiang, shrugging her shoulders, "well, whatever you say, I guess~"

"Damn right," said Ning,

"Yeah, I guess ruining your day would make me feel better," said Ning thoughtfully, "a'ight, then, but don't get mad at _me_ when you hear somethin' you don't wanna!"

"Yeah, yeah, out with it already," said Shang Xiang, sitting on the coffee table and glaring at Ning expectantly.

"Well you were there," pointed out Ning, "buuuut here's the flashback for ya…"

xxxxxxxx

"_Whahappen," Tong groaned, finally waking up from his surgery or whatever he'd had done to him._

"_Yo," Ce said cheerfully. "Hi, Tong!"_

"_Where am I?" Tong asked, dazed._

"_In the hospital," Ce said, nodding excitedly, "you don't remember anything?"_

"_I remember waking up, and… oh, right, Okuni's stupid boyfriend threw me out the window!" Tong said furiously._

_Ce nodded again. "Bingo! You broke both your arms and your leg, the doctors are amazed you didn't die~ you fell fifty feet!"_

"_What'd I land on?" Tong asked, making a face._

"_Someone's car," Ce replied, "he sent you this—" He handed a folded card to Tong. Tong looked at him blankly, and looked at his two broken arms pointedly._

_Ce appeared lost, and then the light bulb went off. "Oh! I'll just read it to you~ Dear Mother Fucker, Hope You Get Better Soon, BTW You Owe Me $5,000. Love Steve." He made a face. "For a Get Well Soon card, it wasn't very nice."_

"_Right this way, sir," said a female voice, and some nurse came in the room with Ning right on her tail—no, literally, /right/ on her tail, his hands were about an inch away from violating some personal space code._

"_Thanks," Ning said, "I just—I'm so busted up about my poor friend—I—"_

"_Save it, here's my phone number," the nurse said, shoving something in Ning's pocket, and sauntering off._

_Ning grinned. "Score~"_

_Tong groaned. "Oh, way to go cashing in on my misery!"_

"_Cry about it," Ning said easily, digging a candy bar out of his other pocket._

"_ONE candy bar!" Ce squawked. "What happened to buying enough food for both of us!"_

"_What?" Ning asked innocently, "Hospital food's expensive! This thing cost me a dollar! And you are not worth a dollar!"_

"_So? Mr. Ling's payin' for all of it anyway," Ce complained._

_Tong drooped. "My dad's here?"  
_

"_On his way," Ning said, pushing one of the buttons on the bed panel experimentally, Tong squawking as the bed moved. Ning's eyes lit up (evilly) and he pushed another button._

"_I HATE YOU," Tong wailed, "stop it, my leg hurts!"_

"_Hey, think of it this way, at least you got hurt doing something badass," Ning commented, "Okuni hits on everything with a dick, next to Keiji you're the only guy who's ever scored with her, I think~"_

"_Oh, great, I've got Keiji remnants all over my dick," Tong complained. "What'd you guys tell my dad?"_

"_That you slept with some guy's girlfriend and he threw you out the five-story window," Ning answered. Tong glared at him. "What! I wasn't gonna lie to your dad!"_

"_I could go down memory lane right now and think of at least TEN instances when you wanted me to lie to my dad!" Tong complained._

"_Because I would've gotten in trouble somehow," Ning replied easily, "You, on the other hand, went and got yourself raped, that's not my problem nor is it traceable back to me in any way. Score."_

_Ce snickered. Tong glared at him this time. "Shut up!" _

"_Miss, really, I just want to see my son!" said Tong's father, Ling Cao, entering the hospital room (with Shang Xiang in tow, for some reason)._

"_Then take my phone number and I'll leave you alone!" said the same nurse as before, forcefully shoving a piece of paper into Mr. Ling's pants pocket._

_(Ning disgustedly crumbled up the phone number and tossed it to join the pile of other phone numbers in the innocent potted ficus nearby.)_

"_Tong, you idiot," Mr. Ling gritted, "I know I've taught you better than to—"_

"_Tong, are you okay?" Shang Xiang asked, pushing Mr. Ling out of the way and looking at him, her green eyes all concerned and cute-looking._

"_Aside from seventy-five percent of my vital limbs being broken and my best friends tormenting me, just fine," Tong said, "What're you doing here, Shang Xiang, don't you have school?"_

"_That's never stopped her before," Ce pointed out._

_Shang Xiang shrugged. "I heard you got hurt, and your dad was driving up here anyway, and I thought I'd tag along! You don't think I have like, a tracking device in your neck or anything, do you? That'd just be weird!" She laughed (a bit nervously)._

_Ning and Ce exchanged looks. Mr. Ling looked like he'd quite like to wring his son's neck. Tong cautiously fingered the back of his neck, hoping he was being surreptitious enough._

"_Boys, Shang Xiang," Mr. Ling began, "can I have a word alone with my son, please?"_

_Tong shot his friends a wide-eyed "HEEEEEEEEEELP" look._

_Ning thought for a second. "Okay!" And they all left, Ce ushering his sister out the door and Ning grinning evilly at Tong._

_Tong sighed. Traitors._

"_I couldn't say anything on the way over here because of Shang Xiang, but—Tong, what the hell were you thinking!" Mr. Ling squawked, "you're a pretty-boy, pretty-boys always get raped at college parties!"  
_

_Tong groaned. "DAD!" He gestured (with his head) at the other person in the room, who was watching with wide-eyes (what was it about hospitals that brought out the sadism in people!)._

_Mr. Ling glared at his son, before turning around and addressing the older gentleman sharing Tong's hospital room._

"_Hello there. My name's Ling Cao. That fraction of a person over there is my son Tong. Tong went and got himself drunk at some stupid college frat party, got his cherry popped by some deranged girl drugger and went and stayed in her bed until her boyfriend threw him out of a five-story window. Aside from the medical expenses that basically guarantee I'll have no cable for a week, I also have some dickweed named Steve calling my house pestering me because he's got a Tong-shaped dent in the roof of his Ferrari. Now that you've been thoroughly briefed, I hope you don't mind if I continue lecturing the result of a night of intimacy with my late wife!" _

_Tong groaned. The older gentleman started making movements that looked suspiciously similar to those one attempting medical suicide would perform._

xxxxxxxx

"And that's it," surmised Ning, "damn. Why do I fucking remember that? I could have something actually useful there, instead I got the life and times of Tong—"

Shang Xiang ignored everything Ning was blabbering about, something about creating a re-enactment for the purpose of their stupid Misfortune of Tong video, and sat down on the coffee table. "So that's why they're like, I dunno, morbidly obsessed with one another?" she asked, confused. "That's dumb."

"Hence the being that is Tong," said Ning, making elaborate hand gestures.

xxxxxxxxx

I was lazy and did a short chapter. Deal with it.

Damn do I have a lot of lurkers being cheap and not reviewing, or did I really bore everyone to death and scare you all away? Fudge. COME BAAAAAACK

Actually I think I know the secret as to getting more people to pay attention… is it Lu Xun? Oh it figures, the damn kid I don't like is the ticket to the fast train around here :P


	16. Shit luck

New strategy: shorter chapters, more of 'em. Proofreading 20+ page stories is torture.

xxxxxxxx

_Sunday, 8:30 AM_

"Good mooooorning Mago!" chirped Gracia.

Magoichi (who had opened the front door to see what the weather was like outside) yelped and slammed the door shut. About a minute later, he went back to the door fully dressed and opened it back up again. "Where do you sleep at night?" he asked curiously.

"On that bench down there," said Gracia, smiling and pushing past him, "what's for breakfast, Mago?"

"Whatever you know how to cook," Magoichi replied easily.

There was another knock at the door, and with a grumble Magoichi got up to go answer it. "Whatever it is you're selling, I don't—why hel_lo_," he said to the raven-haired beauty standing at his door, "Maaaaagoichi Saika, at your service~ what can I do for a lovely lady such as yourself~?"

"Buy a yearbook?" Ina offered, her eye twitching (urge to punch RISING, but if the yearbook didn't sell enough copies—arghhh!)

"Huh?" asked Magoichi, "we have a yearbook? Learn something new every day… anyway, enough about that boring stuff, clearly you were drawn here by my manly essence, right?"

"Uh, yeah, no," answered Ina, scowling. "Just buy a yearbook! Support your school! Go knights!" She gave a rather unenthusiastic fist pump.

"What, you have a boyfriend or something? Well, I bet he's not as cool as me," said Magoichi, grinning.

"Who says cool anymore?" Ina asked, confused.

"…me?" offered Magoichi, "c'mon, babe, join me for breakfast, at least~?"

"Absolutely not, I'm on duty anyway," said Ina making a face.

"Will you be on duty _later_?"

"No. You misunderstood me, I think, I think I gave you the idea that I would've accepted your offer were I not on duty, but, uh, let me reword that. I wouldn't have breakfast with you if I was starving to death and was ten miles away from civilization," Ina said promptly, "and if my legs were sawed off."

Magoichi winced, clamping his hands over his heart. "Ow," he whined, "c'mon, s'not every day a girl as gorgeous as you knocks on my front door!"

"Oh, I believe that," said Ina, eying Magoichi's novelty t-shirt, "'World's Biggest Pimp'?"

"That was a gag gift!" Magoichi said defensively. "My friends have, uh, unusual senses of humor…" Boy, was he glad he didn't wear 'Big Dick Playa' today (he'd bought that himself).

"Either buy a yearbook or let me go on with my life!" begged Ina.

"I'll take all of them if you go on a date with me?" Magoichi offered.

"They're a hundred dollars each!"

"Good lord, no wonder they're sending the babes to hawk these things, do they think we've got $100 to wipe our asses with! How many are there?"

"A lot! And I won't sell them all to you anyway!"

"Isn't that censorship?"

"No! It's rejection, something I'm sure you're very familiar with!"

Magoichi winced, holding his heart again—"If you go out with me I'll buy seven," he offered.

"That's prostitution!" said Ina, looking scandalized.

"It is not! It's an agreement!"

"Like hell! I wouldn't dare sully the name of our good yearbook with such shady business!"

"Pleaaaaaase?"

"No."

"Please?"

"Absolutely not."

"…pretty please with cherries on top?"

"I AM LEAVING NOW—"

Gracia came into the living room at this point, all smiles. "Mago! Breakfast is ready!"

"Be right there," said Magoichi.

"Oh, I didn't know you had a friend, Mago—hello! My name is Gracia!" said Gracia with a cute little curtsey.

Ina's eyes narrowed. "Oh, I see how it is. Your underage girlfriend isn't putting out so you come chasing after me!"

"What! No, not at—"

Ina was furious at this point—"You think just because you happen to be attractive you can go around flirting with every woman who has the misfortune of being in your presence, huh!"

"Well, yes, but—wait a minute, did you just say I'm attractive? Hey, I'll take it—OOF," grunted Magoichi, getting a stomach full of Ina's fist, "well I can't say I like it rough but I'll give it a shot—OW—"

Ina crossed her arms over her chest haughtily. "And there's more where that came from!"

"And I'll accept your abuse with open arms, my beautiful goddess—OW!" Ina had punched him in the mouth.

"Oh my—Mago, are you okay!" Gracia squawked.

"I felt the love in that last right hook," said Magoichi dreamily, "…and I think she knocked one of my teeth out. Ow."

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_9:00AM_

"What do you wanna do today?" Ce asked his sister.

"I dunno, what do you wanna do today?" Shang Xiang replied.

"I dunno, what do _you_ wanna do today? Ning!"

"I dunno, what do you wanna do today?" Ning asked, channel flipping.

"I dunno, what do you wanna do to—"

"WOULD YOU ALL KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP," Tong bellowed, sitting between Ce and Shang Xiang and having quite enough of the chain of idiocy.

"Well, gee, Mister Grouchy-pants," said Ce, making a face, "what's got your panties in a bunch?"

"The fact that you all are being _so fucking annoying_! Shut up or go somewhere else!" Tong scowled.

"C'mon, Tong, turn that frown upside down before we all go ass-kicker mode on you and make you regret it," said Shang Xiang brightly.

"Do you guys know that when you all get together, you get collectively stupider?" Tong grumbled.

"Well here's an idea, dick breath, give us an idea of what to do and we'll be out of your perfectly quaffed hair," commented Ning, making a face.

"How does he know you have dick breath?" Shang Xiang asked Tong guilelessly. Tong facepalmed and scowled at them all.

"All right, since I'm talking to the three _garbage disposals_—considering you idiots EAT all the damn food in this place and leave me to clean up the mess like I'm sort of abused housewife, go buy some more before we have to eat each other!"

"Why do I have to buy food for your dorm!" Shang Xiang asked, outraged.

"Because you're always here and you're always eating it!"

"I am not!"

"You just hid a Poptart wrapper in your cleavage!"

"…well what're you looking in _there_ for, pervert!"

"They're huge! It's impossible not to look!"

"How dare you try and use my gender against me! And I'll have you know these are a _curse_!"

"Oh, really!"

"You have no idea! I can't lie on my chest for longer than five minutes before I lose the ability to breathe! And the bigger the cup size, the more money the damn bra costs! Don't you have any idea of what it's like to be a woman and be _beautiful_!"

"Oh, _shut up_!"

Ning and Ce glanced at each other. "They fight like a retarded married couple," Ce commented.

"Where the hell have you been?" Ning asked, shaking his head. Morons.

"This conversation is over!" Tong decided firmly, deciding with Shang Xiang's older brother in the room it'd be a good idea to steer the conversation away from her boobs, "all three of you get out of here and don't come back until you've got a shitload of food!"

"Define shitload," said Ce. "Are we talking a guy after he ate a lot of tacos, or—"

"Enough that if we got locked in here for the next year we'd have enough food not to starve!"

"Fine, anything to get away from _this_!" grumbled Ning, hauling the Sun siblings off towards the door, "and I'm taking your car, dipshit!"

"If it'll get you idiots out of my hair I'd almost say you could keep it!"

"I wouldn't keep that banged-up piece of shit if it came engraved with my fucking name in the dashboard!"

"Well it'd eject you from the driver's seat the minute your bloated ass sat down on the upholstery anyway, so there!"

"I'd pay to see that," Shang Xiang commented.

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_10:30AM_

"Hey, Ning?" asked Shang Xiang.

"No I'm not changing the station! Why does everyone in this world hate Journey!" Ning complained.

"That's not it," said Shang Xiang, leaning over and pointing at the orange engine light on Tong's dashboard, "uhhh, what's that mean?"

"That is the service engine light," Ning answered, "basically if it's lit up, it means you are well and truly _fucked_."

And then the car, for lack of better words, broke down.

"SHIT!" screamed Ce, "SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!"

"CE!" bellowed Ning, "SHUT THE FUCK UP, CE! You're gonna freak Shang Xiang out and then we're gonna have _two_ screamy girls in here!"

"HEY," shouted Ce.

Shang Xiang turned around—"uhh, Ning, buddy, maybe we should GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE ROAD!" she suggested.

"What? Oh, FUCK—" Ning hit the hazard lights, jumped out of the car and scrambled out to the back—"Steer it, will ya! It's on drive so I can push it over there!" he shouted.

Shang Xiang nodded—

"NOT THAT WAY! THE OTHER WAY! OUT OF THE ROAD, DAMMIT!"

"Oh. Why didn't you say so?" Shang Xiang steered towards the right.

"Wheeeee!" said Ce cheerfully, leaning his head out the window, "faster, Ning, those guys are gaining on us!"

"I'd push a lot faster if your fucking useless fat ass wanted to get out here and help!"

Ce was affronted. "Why would I do that? I'm sending a 'goodbye my sweet love' text to my beautiful girlfriend!"

Ning grumbled more than a few swear words under his breath as he pushed the car into the shoulder of the interstate.

"Now what?" Shang Xiang asked, as Ning came back to the driver's seat.

"Fix the son bitch long enough to get us home," said Ning, pulling the hood release latch and hitting the emergency brake, since the car was still on drive, "alright, I got a special mission for you two—STAY THE HELL OUTTA MY HAIR!"

"Oh, god, he's going on about his hair, he's turning into Tong!" whined Ce.

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_11:30AM_

An hour had already passed, and sadly, Ning had no idea how to fix the stupid car. Which his pride was having a problem with. He'd never met anything he _couldn't_ fix!

"What's up?" asked Shang Xiang, coming around, slurping loudly on her Coke, "no idea how to fix it, huh?"

"Shut it," said Ning, scowling. "The good news is, I know what's wrong with it."

"You knew what was wrong with it an hour ago!" Shang Xiang pointed out, "way to suck, Ning!"

"Hey, shut up, nobody asked you, girlie!" Ning snapped, "speaking of annoying things I have no idea how to fix, where's your dumbass brother?"

"Making sure the Popsicles aren't melting!" said Shang Xiang brightly.

"Finally a job he can do," Ning said, making a face—"alright, I hate this fucking engine. I fucking hate it like—oh, I'm out of clever analogies. I hate it like something that hates something else a lot!"

"You hate it like Tong hates bad hair days," Shang Xiang offered.

"TONG," growled Ning, "that fucking idiot, doesn't he know how to take care of his stupid car!"

"Maybe he didn't see it?" Shang Xiang suggested.

"The light's on! How the hell didn't he see it!" demanded Ning.

"Same way you didn't?" Shang Xiang offered.

Ning shot her a very dirty look.

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_Two days ago~_

Tong started up his car, very aware he was late for work. He glanced in his rearview mirror, and—wait, what the _hell_? His hair was all messed up!

"I don't _think so_," he growled, diving for his backseat and submerging with a comb and some fancy hair product, "stupid flyaways! Stay _down_!"

The annoying PING noise the car was making made him scowl. "Hey, car, you want to shut up? I can't concentrate with you PINGing at me! Shut up!"

"PING," the Camaro insisted.

Tong rolled his eyes and ignored it. Stupid car was just like Ning and Ce, making noise just for the sake of making noise!

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_Now_~

"Tong is an idiot," Ning said, decidedly, "and that's not _news_, that's sports!"

"Or the weather!" said Ce brightly.

"It's not the weather, you inbred moron, the weather changes every day!" Ning argued.

"So does the sports!" Ce complained, "well, unless it's _our_ sports, when the score is always 'We Suck'…"

"My point exactly," said Ning, scowling.

"So what happens now?" Ce asked.

"We sit here and think about how fucked we are!"

"That doesn't sound like any fun at all. I'm bored."

Ning wisely stuck his head back into the engine to avoid making any more conversation with Ce. Couldn't go killing him in view of the rest of the world, right?

"Hey, Tong's got a tool box in his car!" said Shang Xiang brightly.

"He does?" Ning asked, his voice muffled by the car engine.

"What?" asked Shang Xiang.

"I said—" Ning stood up straight and banged his head on the hood—"OW! FUCK! I _said_, he does!"

"Right here!" said Shang Xiang, picking it up—"it's heavy too!"

"YES," said Ning, "give it here, he might have somethin' useful—"

"That seems a bit out of character for Tong," Ce commented, slurping at a Popsicle, "I didn't even think Tong knew what a tool _was_!"

"Eh, it's like people who carry jumper cables and connect 'em to the tires when they get a flat," said Ning, making a face, "shit, he's got a _padlock_ on it!"

"Uh oh," said Shang Xiang, "you gonna be able to break it?"

"…yeah, his password's probably his birthday or somethin' and if it's not I'll break it off with my RAGE," said Ning, scowling as he fiddled with the number dials—"yup, birthday. Fuckin' idiot." He tossed the padlock aside and opened the tool box to find—"hair products. FUCKING HELL, TONG!"

"Shiiiiiiiit!" whined Shang Xiang, "well—maybe we should call him!"

"NO!" shouted Ning, lunging for Shang Xiang's cell phone—"you call him and rat me out and I'm gonna—DON'T!"

"Ning for the love of all things good and holy! It's freaking 90 degrees outside! We've got a car full of groceries here!" shouted Shang Xiang.

"Not if I have anything to say about it," said Ce gleefully, starting on his second Popsicle.

"DAMMIT CE," Ning scowled, "enjoyin' your fucking picnic in there, you useless fatass! Don't fucking eat all the Popsicles or I'm gonna kick you off the bridge!"

"Can't we push it somewhere else? It's kind of scary being up here," whined Shang Xiang, looking over the bridge they were parked on, "what if someone hits us and knocks us off?"

"Well, all the cars here are goin' at _least_ fifty-five miles an hour," said Ce, "we're parked in the right shoulder, so at least that means they're not goin' seventy on our end, but if a car hits us goin' full speed, fallin' off the bridge'll be the least of our worries, sis. You'll probably be dead before you hit the road all the way down there. Hell, you might even be in six pieces!"

Ning facepalmed. Shang Xiang looked more apprehensive than she did before. "Way to make me feel _better_, bro," she sighed. "Look, Ning, you're obviously retarded, why don't we just call Tong!"

"This is no time for you to try and sneak in an excuse to keep his attention on you instead of his baby mama, missy! What the hell is calling him gonna do, he doesn't know how a car works! He breaks shit all the time! He found a way to blow up the microwave! All he's gonna do is yell and whine and bitch!" complained Ning, "so zip it! If you're hot go eat a Popsicle or something!"

"I'd get on that if I were you," said Ce, his lips bright red as he began eating his third cherry Popsicle.

"Hey don't eat all the cherries!" whined Shang Xiang, "Cherry's the best one! Stop eating them all!"

"I'm not!" complained Ce, and winced when Shang Xiang grabbed his arm and tried to tug it away—"Shang Xiaaaaaaang, you're gonna make me drop it!"

"Who cares, five second rule!"

"_I _care! We're on the freaking interstate, look at all the dirt and shit on the ground! If I was gonna eat something off the floor I might as well lick the pavement too!" Ce crossed his arms over his chest, still holding on to the Popsicle.

"DAMMIT CE!" shouted Shang Xiang, trying to pry the stick from his fingers, "I hate you! I like Quan more than I like you!"

Ce gasped—"YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

"I'll take it back when you surrender the Popsicle!" shouted Shang Xiang.

"You want it? Jump for it!" Ce taunted, holding it above her head. A drip of cherry Popsicle goodness melted down the side and landed on Shang Xiang's forehead, and that seemed to trigger some animalistic rage in her, and she tackled her brother.

"GIVE IT!"

"NO!"

"YOU WOULD DENY YOUR LITTLE SISTER A POPSICLE!"

"I WOULD DENY MY _MOTHER_ A POPSICLE!"

"ARRGH CE!" Shang Xiang lunged on him again, trying to get the Popsicle—

And the damn thing slipped right out of Ce's hand, and was carried by a convenient gust of wind towards a nearby car. The car, a 2002 Toyota Camry, sadly contained a man who suffered from constant panic attacks.

Needless to say, a cherry Popsicle smacking into his windshield made him scream—"MY EYES! MY EYES HAVE EXPLODED!" he shrieked, as everything went red—"OH, GOD, MY EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"

And he swerved, off the road, and—

"GOT IT!" cheered Ning, looking up from the engine to wipe the sweat off his face, in time to see the Camry come swerving towards the Camaro—"Oh fuck me."

"SHANG XIANG HIT THE DECK!" Ce shouted, diving for his sister, knocking her to the pavement underneath him.

"Ow, Ce!" whined Shang Xiang, but then she heard the CRASH sound.

Ning had somehow managed to get out of the way—"OI, YOU FUCKIN' IDIOT!" he shouted at the driver.

"I—I can see! IT'S A MIRACLE! THANK YOU JESUS!" shrieked the driver.

"JESUS ISN'T GONNA SAVE YOUR FUCKING ASS WHEN I KILL YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID TO THIS GUY'S CAR!" Ning shouted, enraged—"GET OUT HERE!"

"Oh—oh—you—you—you need my information!" the driver panicked.

"I DON'T WANT YOUR INFORMATION, I WANT YOUR _LIFE_!"

"Am I dead?" Ce asked.

"No—we're alive! Ce, you saved me!" wailed Shang Xiang, throwing her arms around her brother's neck as they sat up, "you're the best big brother _ever_, Ce, I love you again!"

"ANY TIME YOU TWO ARE FINISHED!" shouted Ning, watching in horror as the son-bitch who crashed into Tong's car panicked again, reversed, and hi-tailed it out of there—"FUCK! Did you guys get that shitwad's license plate!"

Of course they didn't.

"ARRRGGH!" shouted Ning, banging his head on the hood furiously—dammit, the service engine light was the least of the problems NOW!

"It's okay, Ning," said Ce, still arm and arm with his little sister, "maybe Tong won't notice?"

Being a man who lost his temper about a hundred times a day, Ning made some pretty interesting faces when he was pissed off. This face, however, was quite possibly the angriest it'd ever been.

"OH, YEAH, I'M SURE HE WON'T FUCKING NOTICE THE ENTIRE LEFT SIDE OF HIS FUCKING CAR'S BEEN IMPOUNDED!" Ning shouted, "WHY AM I THE ONLY SMART ONE HERE! THIS IS A COMPLETELY NEW, UNFAMILIAR FEELING AND I HATE IT! I HATE IT LIKE I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU TWO WHEN YOU GET THIS FUCKING STUPID! ARRGGGH!"

"Who the hell cares, he has insurance," pointed out Ce, "sheesh, Ning, way to turn your back on the people who've got yours!"

"I AM COMPLETELY ALONE HERE!"

"Hey, I've got an idea!" said Shang Xiang brightly, "let's pretend we were _in _the car! Then Tong won't be mad at us!"

"OR MORE LIKELY, HE WON'T BELIEVE US AND SINCE I WAS DRIVING THIS CRAZY TRAIN HE'S GONNA EXPECT ME TO PAY FOR IT!" Ning shouted.

"Oh good, _we_ won't have to pay for it," said Ce brightly.

Ning gave up and went back to hitting his head on the hood again. And people said _he_ was dumb!

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_12:30PM_

Tong groaned, shifting on the couch and changing the channel. Sure, he should've known three idiots combined would only make one collective idiot—well, Shang Xiang wasn't stupid but when she got with Ning and Ce, their influence usually drained her IQ—but HOW LONG DID IT TAKE TO GO TO THE FREAKING STORE!

Well, rather be hungry and alone than on a full stomach and about to punch a hole in the wall. He yawned and stretched his arms over his head. Time for a nap~

xxxxxxxxx

_1:30PM_

After about another hour of standing next to the car on the shoulder of the interstate, mouth agape, Ning finally bit the bullet and called the mechanic. Argh.

Apparently the repair was going to be harder than expected. The stupid side door would take forever to completely fix, since it wasn't a part that was stocked anymore by Chevrolet. Stupid Tong's dad had to be cheap and buy him the 97' Camaro, after all…

"No, no, I don't want you to fix it _completely_," complained Ning, "make it look like how it did before! I don't want him ever finding out this happened! So once you fix it, hit it with a sledgehammer or something!"

"That's gonna cost you extra," said the mechanic.

"It's going to cost extra to _destroy it_! Arrgh! Just fix it and I'll smash it up!"

"You know, it's not a good idea to lie to your friend," commented the mechanic. "Good friendships are based off _trust_—"

"NOBODY ASKED YOU!" Ning hung up and turned to his idiot comrades. "Alrighty, good news is, mechanic said he'll have it fixed in about a day," he said, "bad news is, we're gonna have to make sure Tong doesn't see it until then."

"We got more bad news," said Ce, "we're all out of cherry Popsicles, my _sister_ went and ate the last one! Way to go, Shang Xiang!"

"Way to go! After you ate three of them!" demanded Shang Xiang, "oh, this is just like when we were kids, you—you walking stomach!"

"First come first serve! Survival of the fittest, baby sister," Ce said, grinning and patting Shang Xiang's head—"ew, your hair's all _sweaty_!"

"BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN STANDING IN THE HOT SUN ALL GOD DAMNED DAY!" shouted Shang Xiang.

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!" Ning bellowed over both of them. "Man you two are annoying!" He scowled, and finally managed to calm down some. "Alright, fine. Back to the original plan—we'll get the shit in the house, Shang Xiang, you gotta distract Tong! Make sure he doesn't see his car!"

"Distract him like _how_?" asked Shang Xiang suspiciously.

Ning groaned. "Do I have to make every intelligent decision! I don't know, figure something out! Just make sure it's good!"

"Fine," grumbled Shang Xiang. Then she perked up. "I have an idea!" she said brightly.

"What?" asked Ce suspiciously.

Shang Xiang just grinned at him and went upstairs, knocking on the door to Tong and Ning's dorm as she adjusted her boobs so they were appropriately muffin-topping out of the top she had on. Well, time to make something about this day _good_~

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"About fucking time," Tong grumbled, "it's open!"

The door opened, and before he could even turn around to see who he just let in his apartment—Ning and Ce would've made at least this much noise, probably _more_—Shang Xiang was on his lap and kissing him. A lot.

Tong blinked a few times—then ended up kissing her back. A lot.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Considering we haven't heard him scream like a girl yet I think it's safe to say whatever she's in there doing is working," said Ning.

"That's my baby sister!" said Ce cheerfully.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Right as Tong about to see if Shang Xiang would have a problem with him sticking his hands in her shirt (probably not), he caught some movement in the corner of his eye—"HEY!" he shouted, turning around—"oh. It's _you_."

"Hi!" said Ning brightly.

Tong's eyes narrowed. Ning being polite was usually the first sign something was _wrong_. "What the fuck did you do?" he asked.

"I have a confession to make," said Ning, looking very serious.

"WHAT," Tong asked, nervous.

"Ce and Shang Xiang ate all the cherry Popsicles."

"What! Who cares?" Tong asked, exasperated, "sheesh, I thought you guys totaled my car, or something!"

"Hee hee," said Shang Xiang, giggling a bit.

Tong's eyes narrowed _again_—Shang Xiang _giggling_! When the fuck did _that _ever happen? (One could argue that she also never straddled him and kissed the life out of him in public either (except for when she was drunk), but Tong's hormones weren't picking up on that, really.)

"WHAT IS IT," he said, "SHANG XIANG, is there something you'd like to _tell me_?"

"Yes Tong, there is," said Shang Xiang, looking very serious.

"WHAT," Tong asked, nervous.

Okay, now _she_ was getting nervous—sure, it _seemed_ like a perfect time to sneak in a "I LOVE YOU", but instead out came the truth. Well, the current truth, anyway.

"Your service engine light was busted and your car broke down and Ning tried to fix it but before he could fix it we had a fight and we threw a Popsicle across the interstate and it hit some guy's windshield and he crashed into the side of your car and it looks totaled and it's all messed up and he took off before we could get his information or his license plate or anything!"

Tong blinked—"what?" he asked, staring at the two Sun siblings (Ce had already scrambled up on the couch and was saying the same thing Shang Xiang was saying, as she was saying it. Sibling ESP, or something).

Ce and Shang Xiang exchanged glances. "Wait, you didn't catch any of that?" asked Ce.

"No!" complained Tong, "would one of you idiots tell me what you're trying to tell me already!"

Ce looked over at Ning. Ning opened his mouth to say something, and his phone went off. He picked it up, mimed at Shang Xiang to distract Tong some more (miming some various X-rated activities) and for Ce to follow him.

Ce scrambled off the couch again—"Hey!" said Tong, but before he could say anything else Shang Xiang had already grabbed him and started kissing him again, pushing him down on the couch so he couldn't see anything.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"It fixed yet?" Ning asked.

"I haven't even started! I got off the phone with you five minutes ago!"

"THEN GO FIX IT! What the fuck am I paying you for!"

"Apparently answering the phone!"

"Just make with the fucking fixing already!"

"Oh, I'm gonna fix _you_, kid—" The mechanic gritted his teeth, remembered obnoxious teenager money was just as green as polite customer money, and got to work.

"You know, being polite is usually a better way to get what you want," said Ce.

"Up yours."

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I was going to say something here, but I forgot what it was. Suggestions, comments, feedback, and/or insults welcome, blah blah blah…


	17. The Enigmatic Chapter

You asked, you got it, Da Qiao makes her unholy return…

Bunnyeh, I'm sorry for breaking up your OTP XD They might or might not get back together sometime later, but since Keiji/Okuni is one of my OTPs I can't promise you anything :(

Chapter 17 up. Gan Ning and Sun Ce resume wreaking havoc on Ling Tong, Sun Shang Xiang tries to be less of a stalker, the Qiaos do something relevant, and Lu Xun is briefly mentioned.

xxxxxxxxxx

_2:30 PM_

"SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII—ow!"

Da winced as Xiao tripped over her own feet and came tumbling inside the open door to her bedroom. "Are you okay?" she asked, worried.

"I'll live, just some head trauma," said Xiao, sitting up and rubbing her head, "oof. Shang Xiang's being all creepy again!"

"How so?" Da asked a bit wearily. Loving future-sister-in-law or not, Da was beginning to get a bit fed up with Shang Xiang's mood swings. She'd either be all super excited and flaily over something, or she'd be angry and sulky.

Not to mention she talked in her sleep, loudly, and most of her dreams involved herself, Tong, a lack of clothing, and whipped cream. Ditto that the walls in this dorm were paper thin.

"She's being happy this time," said Xiao, "but still! It's weird!"

"I CAN HEAR YOU!" Shang Xiang shouted, stomping out of her bedroom into Da's adjacent bedroom, "and no worse than you two bickering over my brother all the time!"

"Ce's hot," Xiao explained.

Da's eye twitched. "Ce's my boyfriend, we've had this discussion before!"

"That doesn't mean I can't lust from afar!"

"You don't lust from afar! You _grope_!"

"I learned from the best, though~"

Shang Xiang couldn't help but notice the arguing between the two sisters seemed a bit more forced than usual. As if they were only arguing to convince her that everything was normal, instead of the usual "CE IS MINE!" "NO HE'S MIIIIIIINE" arguments they usually had.

"What are you two being all awkward about!" Shang Xiang demanded, "spill!"

"Awkward? We're not being awkward!" said Xiao, looking horrified at the mere suggestion. Shang Xiang raised an eyebrow. Xiao responded with a winning smile.

Shang Xiang glared. Xiao looked at her sister pleadingly. Da joined in with a winning smile. Despite being accosted with the full force of the Qiao cuteness, Shang Xiang still glared, her arms folded across her chest.

"She ain't buying it—abort the mission!" said Xiao, pouting.

"Abort WHAT MISSION!" Shang Xiang demanded hotly, "would you two just spill already!"

"Well we weren't quite sure how to approach the elephant in the room," Xiao said in explanation.

"And exactly who are you calling an elephant!"

"XIAO," said Da, rubbing her temples, "Shang Xiang, she meant the elephant in the room as in the big giant obvious subject everyone is choosing to avoid discussing, not—you know, a figurative elephant!"

"But you could lay off the potato chips if you're that worried about your—OW, sis!"

"Oh," said Shang Xiang, choosing to ignore Xiao, "what elephant?"

"The fact that Tong's got a potential baby mama and it ain't you," said Xiao cheerfully, then remembered this was bad, and pasted a 'D:' expression on her face.

Da facepalmed again. She got all the smart genes in the Qiao family, apparently, Xiao, uhh… well, she was cute!

"What's that got to do with anything?" Shang Xiang asked, frowning, "and how do you guys know?"

"Okuni's having a baby shower," said Xiao promptly.

"She's WHAT! So much for hiding her face in shame!" Shang Xiang gritted her teeth.

"Yeah, we both got invites, see?" Xiao held hers up. "I think everyone in the girls' dorm got one except you, actually…"

"Xiao!" hissed Da.

"What?" Xiao asked, "I'm just saying!"

"Don't just say things!"

Shang Xiang snatched it to inspect it, and scowled. "I've never seen anyone so cavalier about having a baby," she said, glaring at the offending invite as if she wished great harm upon it.

"Maybe it hasn't sunk in yet?" Da suggested.

"Either that or she's faking it," said Xiao ominously.

Shang Xiang and Da looked at her. Xiao giggled. "Why are you guys looking at me like that?"

"No reason," said Da assuredly, "oh, Shang Xiang, while you're standing there with that homicidal expression on your face—what happened with Ce today, do you know? He sent me a 'goodbye my sweet love' text earlier, I'm worried!"

"Oh, we almost died about six times on the interstate earlier," said Shang Xiang off-handedly, still studying the invite.

"YOU WHAT!" squawked Da, "and you just now thought to mention it!"

"I've been home all day, you didn't express your worries for your beloved earlier," Xiao said,

"…does that mean you're over him? Can I have him now? Can I can I can I pleaaaaaaaase~?"

"NO," snapped Da, "never in a million years!"

"You don't even put out!" complained Xiao.

Da turned bright red. "That's none of your business!"

Xiao stuck her tongue out at her sister. "You're just jealous!"

"Of what? My little sister?" Da scoffed, "don't you have practice to get to?"

"Huh? OH CRAP I'M LAAAAATE," Xiao wailed, "this duel to the death over Ce's hot piece of ass will have to wait, sis—oh nooooo I'm going to have to do Fucking Jacks!"

"…Fucking Jacks?" Da repeated, looking horrified, "I still say that coach is a child molester in disguise!"

"In disguise?" Shang Xiang repeated, "funny, he never struck me as the type to wear a disguise…"

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_3:00 PM_

"I just thought of something," said Ce to Ning suddenly.

"What?" Ning asked, in the middle of sending his 23rd text of the day to Nene.

"Don't we have to do that stupid Idol thing next week?" Ce asked.

"…shit. I forgot about that." Ning made a face. "I wanna drop out. Singing is stupid."

"We could strike it rich and make a shitload of money," Ce pointed out.

"Always the optimism with you, huh?" Ning glared at him.

"Isn't that stupid video project due next week?" Ce asked, making a face.

"Oh, shit." Ning scowled. "Too bad we didn't get what happened _today_ on tape, dammit all. You got any ideas?"

"No," admitted Ce, "he's had a pretty rough past few days, maybe we should scrap it and do something else?"

They both considered it. "Nah," they said in unison.

"Good to know that's settled," said Ning agreeably, "now what the hell do we do about ideas?"

"A reenactment of today?" Ce offered, "as a last resort, I guess…"

"We could dress up like sharks and attack him at work," suggested Ning—"oh, fuck, he's not there anymore. So much for that."

"We could dress up like sharks and attack him in real life!" said Ce, looking excited, "I know where to get the shark suits!"

"You do!" Ning asked, surprised, "where! You better not be holding out on me!"

"…oh, wait, I lied," said Ce after a moment, "some friend of Quan's was in a Broadway play, but it wasn't about sharks, it was about cats… What was it called?"

"_Cats_," said Ning, rolling his eyes.

"Well you don't have to be rude about it," said Ce, making a face at him, "and here I thought Yu was the theater dork."

xxxxxxxx

Somewhere in the library, Yu sneezed.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

"Anyway, we need a plan if we're gonna get this thing done," said Ning firmly, "unless we like remix the shit we got, put it in slow motion, reverse, that sort of thing…"

"Laugh track?" Ce suggested.

"Genius!" said Ning, nodding, "should we be writin' this shit down?"

"Should we be writing what down?"

"…I dunno. I forget."

The two idiots pondered their own stupidity for a moment, when suddenly opportunity walked by. Actually, more accurately, opportunity flitted across like the most graceful butterfly to ever walk the earth.

Ning and Ce exchanged glances. Their grins were identical; identical and full of EVIL.

xxxxxxxxxxx

_The next day_

"Hey Ning, can I ask you something?"

Ning promptly jumped about ten feet in the air, turning around and glaring at Shang Xiang. "HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE!" he squawked.

Shang Xiang pointed to the open door. "I walked inside."

"Isn't that illegal?" he grumbled, going back to his Wii game.

"Not that I know of," said Shang Xiang thoughtfully, "I've been breaking and entering for two years now! Why's it suddenly such a big deal?"

"My so-called girlfriend isn't picking up her damn phone," Ning complained, "and your face is the last one I wanna see right now, after all that damn booty call crap!"

"I called it like I saw it," said Shang Xiang innocently, "ooooh is that the expansion pack for Wii Fit! Lemme see lemme see!"

"Absolutely not, y'little—" Ning's phone went off from where he'd left it on the couch, and he promptly dove for it, giving Shang Xiang just enough time to close out of his game and sign in as herself on the Wii Fit menu.

"It's been a while since you let me play, look, the Wii Board is making fun of me," said Shang Xiang, pointing at the snide message left by the Wii Board.

Ning was ignoring her, digging through the couch cushions for his phone, and cursing loudly when he finally got it. "IT'S FROM YOU!" he hollered.

"Hmm? Oh, right, I did text and ask if I could come over," Shang Xiang said thoughtfully, "kinda uncharacteristic for me."

"Damn right it is," grumbled Ning, "getting my damn hopes up for nothing!"

"What, your girlfriend leave you already?" Shang Xiang guessed, "geez Ning I didn't know you were THAT BAD in bed—"

"THAT'S NOT IT AT ALL," Ning hollered, glaring, "she's just—always busy! Or something! It's impossible to get a hold of her, she checks her text messages like twice a day! I'll send her one and I won't get a reply and that pisses me off!"

"You sound like me in my creepy stalker days," said Shang Xiang sagely.

"You mean like two chapters ago?" Ning asked, blinking.

"Shut up, you! That's not what I meant. Why don't you just call her and tell her how you feel? Girls like it when you do that!"

Ning made a disgusted face. "Yeah, no fucking way. I look like some pansy to you?"

"You look like someone who hasn't gotten laid in a few days," Shang Xiang said, shaking her head.

Ning blanched. "Oh shit it's that obvious! I gotta do something!"

"Then do something! Where's the last place you saw her?"

"Well, she always kinda shows up whenever I think about doing anything bad," said Ning thoughtfully, scratching his head.

"Like, Elin, Tiger and the golf club bad?" Shang Xiang asked, confused.

"No, I mean—the last time I saw her, I was in the middle of pushing this dorky looking kid down the stairs because he looked at me funny," Ning explained.

Shang Xiang looked aghast. "You dick! How'd you like it if someone bigger than you pushed you down the stairs!"

"Don't go all fucking 'walk a mile in his shoes' on me, woman, this was your stupid idea and you're gonna help me with it! Summon my crazy girlfriend already!"

"All you have to do is retrace your steps," said Shang Xiang cheerfully, "find that kid, push his ass down the stairs, and there you go, instant creepy doppelganger version of myself!"

"Don't call her that! Makes her sound all gross! No offense," Ning added to Shang Xiang's mildly homicidal glares.

"I don't get why people bother saying 'no offense' before they say something offensive. I mean, it's not like things get any less offensive," Shang Xiang commented, "it's like if I were to tell you how ugly your face is, but if I slap a 'no offense' in front of it, everything becomes A-OK? Not in this universe it doesn't!"

"Tell it to someone who cares," Ning answered promptly, "time to go find that nerdy kid!"

xxxxxxxxxx

_That evening_

"Where the hell is everyone?" Yukimura panicked, "they can't possibly be trying to stand me up at our annual sleepover!"

"Hello," grunted a voice from outside, and Yukimura opened the door to reveal Mitsunari.

"Mitsunari!" said Yukimura excitedly, "glad to see you could make it, my friend!"

"Yeah, yeah," grumbled Mitsunari, "Kanetsugu's on his way."

"A little help, friends!" yelled Kanetsugu from—nobody really knew, actually—"I appear to be stuck!"

"KANETSUGU!" shouted Yukimura, and opened the door and ran down the hall to peer down the balcony—"Uhhh, Kanetsugu…?"

"What? The elevator doesn't appear to be working!" shouted Kanetsugu, "and I can't scale these treacherous stairs on crutches!"

"…why is he on crutches?" asked Yukimura.

"I have no idea," said Mitsunari, "chances are he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing. And by 'something', I mean 'someone'."

Yukimura winced. "Kanetsugu my friend I'm on my way!"

After about twenty minutes of struggling (Kanetsugu adamantly refused to be carried up the stairs), the two finally made it back up to Yukimura's dorm, and Yukimura gave a bright smile as he shut the door. "This is my favorite day of the year!" he said cheerfully.

"Yeah, that's not weird, or anything," said Mitsunari, rolling his eyes, "I'm just glad nobody can see us."

"What happens at the annual sleepover stays at the annual sleepover, Mitsunari!" said Kanetsugu cheerfully.

Mitsunari made all sorts of interesting faces. "That didn't come out the way you intended it to, Kanetsugu."

xxxxxxxxxxx

One question: WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT TO SEE LU XUN SO BADLY!

I guess I'm the one person on this site who _doesn't _like him. S'not that I don't like him, I just have no use for him, really…

This chapter is mostly a 'yes I am still alive' filler chapter of some sorts. I'd had this pseudo chapter floating around in my computer for like a month now (or however long the last update was), and it's not as good as any of my other chapters by far, but the sooner this one goes out the sooner I can get the better ones written.

Also, I wrote a Samurai Warriors story about Toshiie, go read it and review it and make it feel loved :)

Yes, I am not above begging. GET OVER IT


	18. The Beginning of Debauchery

Dunno what it is about the pre-pubescent jailbait boys that brings out the rabies in fangirls, but those of you threatening to set me on fire for bashing Lu Xun in the previous authors' note need to put down the video game controllers, step away slowly, and meet a real boy already. Yeesh!

And people wonder why I don't like Lu Xun. It's not Lu Xun I don't like, it's his annoying fan base. "OMG LU XUN IS SO KAWAIIIIII HE CAN TOTALLY BE THE SEME TO MY HOT AWESOME YAOI PAIIIIIIIIR!"

And with no further ado, here's chapter 18! I need to find a way to end this story already, I tire of it :P

xxxxxx

As one could imagine, Yukimura's Annual Sleepover of Friendship was going about as well as expected. Talk about your wild parties.

NOT.

Mitsunari checked his watch. One of these years, he was just going to not show up to this thing. This was about as fun as an unnecessary root canal.

Yukimura came bustling back into the living room, a plate of pizza rolls in one hand and a large bottle of Diet Coke (had to watch that figure!) in the other. He set both down on the coffee table and beamed, settling down in the couch across from his two best friends.

"This is boring," said Mitsunari loudly, causing Yukimura's smile to flip upside down into a froooown.

"What!" Yukimura whined, "no it isn't! Mitsunari, your standards of entertainment are higher than humanly possible!"

"I think our friend Mitsunari means we need to add something to our annual sleepover," said Kanetsugu thoughtfully, stroking his chin.

"Like what?" Yukimura asked.

"Like entertainment," grumbled Mitsunari.

"Or strippers," agreed Kanetsugu.

Yukimura gasped. "KANETSUGU NAOE!"

"What?" Kanetsugu asked innocently.

"Strippers!"

"I'm a young man who harbors curiosity, Yukimura!"

"No, you're a perv," Mitsunari corrected.

Kanetsugu shook his head defensively.

Mitsunari just rolled his eyes, rubbing his temples in exasperation. "Then again it's not like these _sleepovers_ are going to do us any favors when it comes to scoring with the fairer sex."

"Is that an underhanded insult?" Yukimura demanded.

"And here I thought I was being subtle. YES, YUKIMURA, THIS IS BORING," said Mitsunari loudly, "there's more excitement on death row or in a Bingo hall! Figure something out!"

Yukimura sighed. "Then what do you want me to do!"

"How about instead of a sleepover, you throw a party? One with beer and other things associated with the finer halls of education?" Mitsunari suggested.

"We can't invite anyone else to tread upon our annual sleepover!" whined Kanetsugu.

"IT'S NOT A SLEEPOVER IF WE ALL LIVE IN THE SAME DORM!" Mitsunari bellowed, quickly losing his patience, "you two are going to drive me to jump off the side of the building!" His words were met with shrieks of protest, and before he could announce he was just being sarcastic again, Yukimura leapt on him.

"Mitsunari my friend I won't let you do it! You've got your entire life ahead of you!" Yukimura shouted, over Kanetsugu's wails of 'why must the good die young'.

Mitsunari had had it about up to here—not here, HERE—and finally punched Yukimura in the face, knocking him off his lap onto the floor. Yukimura's eyes were round, his hand holding his cheek. "You punched me!"

"Dick move!" called Kanetsugu.

"Why do I associate with you two again?" Mitsunari grumbled.

Yukimura opened his mouth to respond, when a knock at the door interrupted all the fun they were having (NOT).

"Go get the door," said Kanetsugu, looking outraged, "who dares interrupt our sleepover!"

"Someone who won't recognize us," grumbled Mitsunari, "and if this sleepover is such a guarded secret, how would anyone know about it?"

"Well I did hang 'Do Not Disturb' notices all over the gym and the lounge downstairs," said Yukimura thoughtfully, crossing towards the door and opening it—"KUNOICHI!"

"Hi!" said Kunoichi cheerfully, pushing past Yukimura. Her eyes grew wide. "WHOA. You guys look like you're having so much fun you'll just have to let me join in!"

"Get her out of here," groaned Mitsunari, not a fan of Yukimura's childhood friend.

Kanetsugu hadn't been all too fond of Kunoichi either, at least until she hit puberty and sprouted one of his favorite things in the world (boobs, not honor) and therefore now he at least acknowledged her existence, rather than referring to her as 'that thing' as Mitsunari was prone to. "Kunoichi!" he greeted cheerfully.

Kunoichi winked at Kanetsugu, doing the little gun finger pointy hand signal thingy, and looked around the room. "No booze? Yukimura don't you know anything about parties?"

"You're not supposed to be here! What part of 'no girls allowed' don't you understand?" complained Yukimura.

Kanetsugu and Mitsunari exchanged glances. "I never signed anything saying I didn't want _girls_ under this roof," said Mitsunari loudly, "just that one." Kunoichi made a face at him, which he returned.

Kanetsugu, worried Mitsunari would upstage him and therefore get laid, panicked. "Let her stay! We can—try something different!"

"Yeah, shake up the tradition, or something," agreed Mitsunari, "but get _her_ out of here, Yukimura, she's an affront to my senses."

"Just for that I'm not going to show you my panties, even if you beg," Kunoichi informed him.

"I would rather see Kanetsugu's panties!"

"Well you're not going to!" said Kanetsugu, frowning. Then he realized everyone was staring at him oddly, and he grinned sheepishly.

Yukimura decided to move past the Crowning Moment of Awkward, and sighed, sitting down and looking at her. "All right, fine, you can stay," he grumbled.

"Said with all the enthusiasm of finding out you need to get every tooth in your head removed," said Kunoichi, making a face.

"Join the club," Mitsunari commented.

"So what are you boobs doing anyway? Sitting around and conversing about how much of a giant loser the three of you are combined?" Kunoichi asked, shoving Kanetsugu aside and taking a seat next to him.

"No, we were actually about to set out to do something fun," Kanetsugu said, lying through his pearly white teeth.

"Really? Enlighten me," said Kunoichi, mischief dancing in her eyes.

Mitsunari and Yukimura exchanged glances. "We were, uh… going to…" Yukimura was clearly at a loss, Mitsunari noted. A lone bead of sweat rolled down his face as he struggled to think of something that wasn't both legal and beneficial to society.

Kanetsugu opened his mouth to suggest something guaranteed to be too X-rated for inclusion in this fair story, but Yukimura got to it first—"Embark on a night of debauchery!" he shouted.

Mitsunari, Kunoichi and Kanetsugu blinked a couple of times. Yukimura himself seemed surprised the words had left his mouth.

Kunoichi grinned. "_Seriously_! That sounds awesome, count me IN!"

"You were already counted in, you invited yourself," said Yukimura, looking pale.

"Yeah yeah—lucky for you guys I keep a list of all sorts of debauchery-inspired activities in my back pocket!" she continued, jumping up and digging in her back pocket. "Foooound it!"

"Well I'll be a son of a bitch," commented Mitsunari, "prepared for everything, huh?"

"Doesn't debauchery mean we're all supposed to have sex?" asked Kanetsugu.

Everyone looked at him. Kanetsugu realized he was responsible for the second awkward pause in the last fifteen minutes, and wisely decided to refrain from speaking.

xxxxxxxxx

"02. Kiss a random stranger," Kunoichi read.

"Well, you know, we hardly know each other, by the legal definition I'd say we're complete strangers—" Kanetsugu's lack-luster pickup line was interrupted as Kunoichi shoved Yukimura into a swarm of sorority girls.

About two minutes later, Yukimura emerged, looking thoroughly disheveled. His hair was messed up, lip gloss was smeared over 75% of his face, and the front of his pants looked like it'd been clawed open by acrylic nails. He gave a weak smile and a thumbs-up.

Kanetsugu opened his mouth to protest, closed it, and decided to move on.

xxxxxxxx

"13. Attempt a threesome!"

Yukimura turned bright red once he was finished reading. Kanetsugu's face had lit up with joy. Mitsunari looked disgusted. Kunoichi looked rather delighted.

Then the foursome exchanged glances, and an awkward silence descended.

"Next!" Yukimura decided.

xxxxxxxx

"24. Mug someone!"

"I am not mugging someone!" Mitsunari shouted, "this is out of control, you two are—"

"GET HIM!" shouted Kanetsugu.

"GO FOR HIS LEGS!" Yukimura yelled, and the two of them tackled some poor dorky kid who was just minding his own business—

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" the kid screamed, whipping a Smith and Wesson .45 out of his waistband, "OR SO HELP ME I WILL FUCK YOU UP!"

Kanetsugu and Yukimura exchanged glances, and promptly ran screaming.

xxxxxxxxxxx

All right, peeps, you have your orders: If anyone's still reading this, give me some debauchery ideas! Remember, it's college, so no restrictions! :D


	19. The End of Debauchery

Holy shit I'm getting bored with this story, guys. I'll hang in there until it's done and I still have ideas, I just don't want people around here thinking I'm a fanfiction one-trick-pony. D: I CAN WRITE SERIOUS STUFF TOOOOO

Okay how annoying is the page break thing? I'm going to end up going back and fixing all my old chapters/stories to fix the page break. -_-

* * *

_Four hours later_…

"Number 38, find how many people of an opposite sex you can get to make out with you," read Kanetsugu, "SPLIT UP!"

_Twenty minutes later..._

"Looks like we're the first ones back," said Kanetsugu, checking his watch, "I did say twenty minutes, did I not?"

"No, twenty minutes," agreed Kunoichi.

Kanetsugu nodded. "So how many did you get?" he asked curiously.

"Eight," said Kunoichi, "not too many guys out, sadly, and there weren't enough passerby to make me consider hitting one for the other team—oh don't look so disappointed! How many did you get?"

"Seventeen!" Kanetsugu announced proudly.

"No way," said Kunoichi, "you beat me? Fuck you, dude!"

They exchanged quick glances, and pretty soon were making out like champions. They separated just as Yukimura and Mitsunari got back, the former looking cheerful and the latter looking annoyed.

"How many did you guys get?" Yukimura asked cheerfully, "I was able to gain the affection of seven!"

"He charged into another sorority mosh pit and almost got dragged off, he wouldn't have seen the light of day had I not rescued him," Mitsunari added, rolling his eyes, "is this vortex of horror almost finished?"

"Are you kidding? We're only on 39!" said Kunoichi cheerfully.

Mitsunari groaned.

xxxxx

"42, trick two people of the same sex into making out. Take pictures," Kunoichi read.

"How is that _debauchery_? Sounds more like classless mischief!" grumbled Mitsunari.

"Well you don't have to be a prude, Mr. Grouchy-Pants—OH MY GOD!" Kunoichi gasped, as Kanetsugu and Yukimura lunged at each other.

"YOU TWO ARE MAKING IT INCREDIBLY AWKWARD TO BE YOUR FRIEND," bellowed Mitsunari, turning to glare at Kunoichi. "This is all your fault, you—"

"Get in there! Get in there!" Kunoichi begged, shoving at Mitsunari fruitlessly, "it'd be sooo much hotter!"

"Get your hands off me you horny little—"

* * *

"And the last one, convince a large group of freshmen to move their cars into a different parking lot. Be vague with the directions, see how many you can get—' What the hell! That hardly seems like anything raunchy and life-threatening," Kunoichi complained, still sore that objective number 48, 'prostitute yourself and see how much possible money you can make', had ended in such a success for Yukimura.

"Then let's just not do it," Mitsunari suggested hopefully.

* * *

_An hour later_…

The night of 'classless mischief', as Mitsunari put it, had ended pretty much the same way it began. Except Kunoichi was around and Yukimura and Kanetsugu had holed themselves up in their individual bedrooms.

Mitsunari glared at Kunoichi. "I hope you're happy," he said, "we're not going to see either one of them for the next three weeks, at least until the semester's over, and—" He paused in mid-sentence. "And all of a sudden I'm wondering exactly why I'm complaining about this."

"I did you a huge favor?" Kunoichi offered, smiling.

"What are you so happy about? Don't you _like_ Yukimura?" Mitsunari asked suspiciously. "I'm sure he could use some female support right about now…"

Kunoichi's eyes got huge, and she burst out laughing. "You think I like Yukimura!"

Mitsunari blinked. "Yes?" he asked, confused, "don't you? Isn't that why you're always hanging around him?"

"No!" laughed Kunoichi, tears in her eyes from laughter. She laughed a few minutes more, Mitsunari looking more and more irritated, and finally she sat up, wiping her eyes and regaining whatever composure she had before. "I mean, well, if I have to be honest, yeah, I liked him before," she admitted, tucking her leg under her butt so she was sitting on it, "but, he's just so oblivious… at least I think he's oblivious. I'd rather think of him as oblivious than the obvious 'he didn't like me that way', you know?"

"So you're in denial?" Mitsunari supplied.

"If you want to put it that way, I guess," agreed Kunoichi reluctantly, "so, well, what about you?"

"What about me?"

"You're one of Yukimura's best friends and it seems like I don't know anything about you," she continued, "and you know what, after today, I think we'd get along pretty well!"

"You can't seriously be proposing an alliance," Mitsunari said, "we'd blow up the school! With our awesome!"

"Hey, your snarky brilliance and my—overall awesome combined could lead to some great things," Kunoichi said thoughtfully, "and you know, now that I think about it, _you_ didn't do anything particularly life-threatening or reputation-slaughtering tonight…"

Mitsunari seemed to be deep in thought. "No I did not," he agreed.

"CHICKEN! CHICK~EN!" cackled Kunoichi, laughing at him, "BOCK BOCK BOCK—"

Mitsunari turned towards her, grabbed her face in his hands and kissed her. "Shut up," he said promptly.

Kunoichi blinked a few times, almost seeming in shock. Then she shrugged, grabbed Mitsunari and pulled him down on top of her.

xxxxxxx

Ling Tong wasn't terribly pleased at where he ended up this evening; instead of being in his dorm, sleeping, he was in the Beef o' Brady's in the student center, looking for Ning. The last time BoB's had happy hour, Ning had gotten completely plastered and had fallen asleep on a pool table.

If he was asleep on the pool tables _again_, Ling Tong was going to wake him up with the fire extinguisher this time around. Luckily the BoB waitresses were cute and they aaaaaalways~ appreciated it when he came by to get Gan Ning out.

"Oh, hello Tong," said Okuni, waving from the bar and very nearly falling out of her bar stool, "what brings you here on this fine evening?"

"It's 2 in the morning, what the hell are _you_ doing here—and why are you _drinking_!" Ling Tong squawked, seeing the empty line of shots in front of Okuni (and the six or seven empty margarita-girly-fruity drinks).

"Because drinking is fun," chirped Okuni, "and it loves company! Two more, bartender!"

"No more!" Ling Tong said firmly, "aren't you pregnant why the hell are you drinking!"

"Oh I'm not pregnant," said Okuni, as if they were discussing the weather, "nope, not pregnant~ but I am depressed, and that's where the drink comes in."

"Drinking away your sorrows?" Ling Tong made a face, reluctantly taking a seat next to her. "So what the hell happened?"

"Keiji broke up with me," Okuni explained mournfully.

"Because you lied to him about being pregnant?" Ling Tong surmised.

"Oh, no, he knew I wasn't really pregnant," said Okuni dismissively, "you were the only one I didn't tell! No, he's upset because he caught me in bed with Magoichi, and he didn't even give me a second to explain myself—"

"Did he throw Magoichi out the damn window?" Ling Tong asked, flashbacking to his freshman year.

"No, he likes Magoichi," Okuni said, shaking her head, "and I tried to make things up with him, but he was already with some other little floozy! Oh Tong it just breaks my heart!" She started to sob.

"You two nutcases deserve each other!" Ling Tong decided, scowling, "and don't you give me that look, I am never having sex with you again!"

Five minutes later, they were in the back of the Beef o' Brady's, hidden behind a pool cue rack, and sure enough they were doing that thing Ling Tong just said he'd never do again five minutes ago. How quickly things change.

Then they got interrupted by two waitresses with a flashlight, and boy did they look disgusted. "Oh, gross. Yeah that's real classy," grumbled one of the waitresses.

"At least they're not on the pool table again," offered the other waitress optimistically.

Ling Tong groaned, and waited until they were gone to look down at Okuni again, resting his arm above her head to stabilize himself. "_NEVER AGAIN_," he repeated.

Okuni nodded, looking somewhat dazed. "Thank you, Tong," she said sweetly, standing up on her tiptoes to kiss him goodbye, "...are you _sure_—"

"YES," Ling Tong said firmly. Okuni sighed and stumbled off, a combination of a woman who had just had sex up against a wall _and _was drunk off her ass, and promptly toppled over.

Ling Tong watched her struggle to get back to her feet for a moment, before sighing loudly and going over to lend her a hand. "Come on," he grumbled.

"…dammit Okuni get your hand outta my pants!"

"Are you sure you're not gay?"

"ARGHHH."

* * *

_The next day_…

"Are we done filming yet?" Sun Ce asked, eying the video camera. "Tong's gonna get pissed that we stole his camera."

"Who cares? Half the shit in life that's fun is related to pissing Tong off," Gan Ning answered, stretching his arms over his head. Then he paused. "Holy shit. Ce, you see that?" he asked, a predatory smirk settling on his face.

"Huh?" Sun Ce asked, busily using the video camera to check for the presence of boogers in his nose, "see what?"

"Fresh meat, that's what," Gan Ning answered, pointing.

Sun Ce squinted. "I just see some dorky looking kid," he answered, "is there anything in my nose?"

"What! I'm not looking in your fucking nose! That kid over there, that's not just some regular kid—I can't believe you don't know who that kid is! Throwing him in a dumpster is like a graduation requirement around here!" Gan Ning explained, "his name's Lu Xun, kid's like grade-A nerd material and best thing of all, he fuckin' cries for his mommy if anyone tries to grab him!"

Sun Ce looked affronted. "I don't want anything to do with that! You're not seriously gonna go beat that kid up for no reason, are you!"

"Hell yeah I am," Gan Ning snickered, "record it, will ya? I'll post it to the damn Youtube channel when I get home!"

"Like hell!" answered Sun Ce, indignant, "speaking as someone who's seen other people get bullied I don't approve o' this at all!"

"Boo hoo, go suck your thumb in the corner then," Gan Ning answered, "OI, KID!"

Sun Ce watched with a scowl as Gan Ning grabbed the kid's head, shaking him around a bit. The kid dropped the armful of books he had, managing to free himself from Gan Ning's headlock and stumbling over on his ass.

Ning sure can be a damn jerk when he wants to be, Sun Ce mused with a scowl, I oughta stop him, dammit—"Oi, Ning, knock it the hell off before I show you what's it like to get the shit beaten out of—"

Sun Ce's eyes got very wide as the kid did a barrel roll between Gan Ning's legs and leapt to his feet, and he was gripping what looked to be a pistol in his hands. Deciding Gan Ning's life insurance policy would probably want a record of his final moments (that, and Sun Ce was a fan of karma), he turned the video camera on, as the kid unleashed a wave of profanities upon unsuspecting Gan Ning.

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" the kid shouted, firing a blind shot over Gan Ning's shoulder (Gan Ning realizing WTF was happening and promptly shitting his pants), "YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME, JACKASS! TELL IT TO MR. SHOOTY McBLAM BLAM!"

_Shooty McBlamBlam_? Sun Ce wondered out loud, shrugging his shoulders. Well, Gan Ning was

getting what he deserved here~

"You jackasses think just because I'm smaller than you, you can pick on me! Well fuck you, in five years I'm gonna own every single one of you losers! You'll be cleaning my septic tanks!" Lu Xun shouted, firing another shot, this one nearly hitting Gan Ning.

Gan Ning had finally abandoned any pretense of manliness and ran for his fucking life, screaming at the top of his lungs to any deity who liked him to "HEEEEEEEELP PLEAAAAAAASE"; Lu Xun seemed to be taking some sadistic glee in his revenge, and chased after him. Sun Ce considered the possible consequences of being caught at the scene of a crime (and he did _not_ want to be an accomplice to murder, thanks), but his curiosity won him over and he chased after them.

Gan Ning had stupidly ran into one of the stairwells of the Science buildings, the exact same stairwell which had a sign saying 'CLOSED FOR REPAIRS' taped to it. Stupid Ning. Sun Ce poked the door open and peeked inside, just in time to hear more shooting (Lu Xun) and more shrieking (from Gan Ning).

"I WASN'T GONNA ACTUALLY HURT YA! JUST ROUGH YOU UP SOME!" Gan Ning was screaming, where he was cowering in the fetal position in the corner of the stairwell. Lu Xun still was aiming the pistol at Gan Ning, his aim completely unsteady due to his shaky arms, but a pistol trained anywhere near you is still going to ruin your day. Sun Ce raised the video camera meekly.

"Then you get on your knees and say you're sorry!" Lu Xun ordered.

"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY SORRY SORRY! I'LL NEVER PICK ON ANYONE AGAIN IF YOU CAN FIND IT IN YOUR HEART NOT TO SHOOT ME!"

Lu Xun frowned. That was too easy. "Take off your pants!" he ordered.

Sun Ce's eyebrows raised.

Gan Ning looked up, confused. "What the fuck!" he asked, but a shot whizzing past his ear made him re-think his resistance—"OKAY I'M TAKING T HEM OFF I'M TAKING THEM OFF!" He scrambled up, jumping off his haunches back to his feet and fumbling with his belt—he'd picked a good day to wear underwear, at least, and he finally was able to pull his jeans down over his steel-toed boots, and with a scowl (which quickly turned into a sad attempt at a 'begging-for-mercy' expression), threw them to Lu Xun.

Lu Xun examined the pants. "I'll be taking these as my trophy," he said, scowling.

Gan Ning paused for a second. "That a six-shooter?" he asked.

"No, it's a .45," answered Lu Xun smugly, "the magazine holds up to 20 shots, read a book why don't ya?"

Gan Ning's face went from merciful to pure evil. "So let's see here," he began, "now, don't get me wrong, math ain't my forte by a long shot but I can fuckin' count—three shots at me earlier, fifteen shots at my damn head when I was runnin' here, and, count 'em, one-two-three shots in the wall…" He grinned at Lu Xun, who had a wide-eyed OH FUCK expression on his face, "I'd say your clip's about empty there, kid, and you know what _else_ is empty?"

Lu Xun seemed to understand that the only thing here that was empty was his hourglass of sand (A/N: you have just read a great joke and I hope you appreciated it), and he promptly turned tail and ran away, shrieking like a little girl.

Gan Ning threw his head back and chased after Lu Xun, laughing manically all the while, and not even bothering to pick up his pants.

Sun Ce watched the entire scene with a blank stare, and turned to talk to the video camera. "Well, you saw it just as well as I do," he said, shaking his head, "never thought I'd see the day when Ning was smarter than anyone…"

He went after Gan Ning, deciding to try and pull him off whatever was left of Lu Xun by now, but Gan Ning came blazing back shrieking for his life again, followed by Lu Xun.

"What the hell," whined Sun Ce with a sigh, "make up your damn mind, you guys!" He chased after Lu Xun again.

Lu Xun had realized that Gan Ning's math was wrong, and after checking his clip he'd realized he still had a bullet left, and god dammit if he wasn't going to make the best of that damn bullet his name wasn't Lu Xun! FOR THE HONOR OF THE LU FAMILY!

Plus, watching Gan Ning shit his pants was fun. It was like every jackass who'd ever picked on him was being reincarnated in the form of Gan Ning, and although Gan Ning hadn't been much of a personal pain in the ass to him (until today, at least), Lu Xun felt like he was representing the population of intellectuals worldwide with his rebellion here.

Plus, he was so cute~ No principal would ever vouch against him for Gan Ning, after all. So he could pretty much do whatever the fuck he wanted.

He was so busy running after Gan Ning he didn't notice Gan Ning suddenly stop running, and he also didn't notice that Gan Ning was getting bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and he slammed right into the bigger man's chest, very nearly bouncing off the wall of muscle until Gan Ning grabbed him by his hair and could the author have used Gan Ning more in this little paragraph? Gan Ning Gan Ning Gan Ning Gan Ning Gan Ning.

Now being held by his hair in front of this evil _evil_ man, Lu Xun whimpered in fear—oh, right, gun. He started to raise the pistol in Gan Ning's direction, and Gan Ning shook him by the hair with a scowl.

"You gonna fuckin' shoot me, kid?" he snapped, the rage burning in his eyes like nothing Lu Xun had ever quite seen, "then _shoot me_, y'hear? Cause I'd rather go down on my damn feet like a man than cowering in the corner knee-deep in my own piss! You gonna shoot me, then fuckin' do it already!"

Sun Ce rolled his eyes. Gan Ning watched too many war movies.

Lu Xun's eyes got wide. "Y-you're supposed to be running!" he squeaked.

"Yeah well running's _your_ job," Gan Ning snarled, "Gan Ning doesn't run from anyone!"

"What the hell is going on?" Ling Tong asked Sun Ce, joining the party.

"Some kid has Ning at gunpoint, I'm filming for prosperity," Sun Ce informed him, "_so future generations may know his plight_!"

"What plight?" Ling Tong scoffed, "and what future generations? Is there any Ning spawn we don't know about?"

"Could be, he is kind of a man-whore," Sun Ce said thoughtfully.

Lu Xun had not anticipated this, and his hands were shaking so much he thought he would drop the gun. _Actually shoot him_! Like, shoot him in the head, and have all those gross chunks of brains and—well, not _brains_ in the case of this Neanderthal, but his point was made—"I—I—"

"You can't," Gan Ning snorted, letting Lu Xun go and shoving him backwards, "it figures, y'little greenhorn wuss. Get the hell outta my damn sight!"

"I'm sorry for ever bothering you!" Lu Xun wailed.

"Damn right you are!" Gan Ning scowled, and seemed to almost think something over. "I gotta say, kid, it takes some serious amounts of cajones to chase _me_ around with a pistol, even though your aim fucking sucks and you pussied out in the end. It'd be a shame to wreck your potential by beating the ever-loving shit outta ya until you cry for your—"

"A-choo!" Lu Xun pulled the trigger by accident. Gan Ning screamed, grabbing his leg and toppling over.

"Is that our cue to leave?" Ling Tong asked Sun Ce—"AND IS THAT MY VIDEO CAMERA!"

"Funny story about that!" chirped Sun Ce, offering a sheepish grin.

* * *

_That afternoon_…

"Niiiiiing!" wailed Sun Shang Xiang, bursting into Gan Ning's hospital room, "are you all right!"

"As all right as a guy who got shot could be, I guess," Gan Ning grumbled, "what'd you bring me?"

Sun Shang Xiang looked annoyed. "The fuck? I come down here worried out of my mind and all you think to ask is _what did_ _I bring you_!" She sighed. "I guess that means you're back to normal!"

"Yeah, I guess," agreed Gan Ning**,** "seriously, though. Poptart. Downstairs vending machine. Make it happen."

Sun Shang Xiang groaned and trudged off. Gan Ning smiled, settling back against the pillows, when he heard a tap on the window.

"Nggh," he grumbled, turning around—"NENE WHAT THE HELL!"

"_There you are_!" scowled Nene, climbing in through the window and folding her arms as she glared at him.

"I'm not even gonna ask how you fuckin' did that," Gan Ning decided, shaking his head, "well, good to see you, babe, where've you been all day?"

"Studying, mostly," said Nene, shaking her head, "and what about _you_, mister, just what am I going to do with you!"

"Well Shang Xiang is out gettin' me some food but once she's gone I vote 'bone'," suggested Gan Ning, smirking.

Nene looked affronted. "As if I could ever have sex with someone like you! You think I didn't hear what you were doing!"

"Uhhh," said Gan Ning.

Nene scowled, leaning over him until their noses were nearly touching. "Gan Ning you big bully! You went after some poor innocent kid with the intention of doing him harm and you acted like a big blubbering wuss when he attacked you and gave you a taste of your own medicine! I'm ashamed to have ever have had sex with you!"

"Then get the fuck outta my damn room!" Gan Ning shouted.

Five minutes later, Nene sat up, panting, and climbed off Gan Ning's bed—"okay, _now_ never again," she said, shaking her head and going for her clothes, "you are a _horrible_ person Gan Ning and I am leaving before I end up having sex with you again!"

"Hate me as much as you want," Gan Ning said agreeably, "next time I'll _burn down a fuckin' orphanage and see how you like that_!"

"Ooohh you're so mean and evil it just makes me want to fuck you even harder!" Nene shouted, tossing her clothes aside.

Two minutes later, Sun Shang Xiang came back into the room, a box of Poptarts in hand. "Okay Ning they didn't have cherry but before you start crying like a girl I think you should—WHAT THE FUCK!"

Gan Ning and Nene stopped being all tangled up in a heap of sex to look at the intruder—Gan Ning glared death at her, but the interruption seemed to remind Nene that she was fucking a baby-killing armed terrorist rapist (or whatever Gan Ning was, she didn't remember), and that seemed enough to make her shriek in shaaaame; "oh what have I done?" she howled, scrambling off the bed again, "dammit Gan Ning I'm not having anything to do with you again, _ever_!"

"Heard that one before, you crazy bitch!" Gan Ning answered hotly, pulling the blankets over himself to prevent Sun Shang Xiang from getting an eyeful, "see you around, maybe I'll go kick some puppies to make you come panting after me faster!"

Nene shook her fists with rage, pulled her dress over her head and promptly jumped out the window.

Sun Shang Xiang's eyes couldn't get much huger. "Um. Er."

Gan Ning made a face at her, gesturing for her to shut the windows.

"Was that _hate sex_?" she asked curiously, dropping the Poptarts on the bedside table and shutting the door, "I didn't think people actually did that…"

"Eh, happens all the time," Gan Ning said dismissively.

"Sounds like you guys had a pretty bad fight," Sun Shang Xiang commented, sitting in the desk chair and spinning around.

"She'll be back, she always is, she gets her panties in a wad about some shit I did and then she gets horny and comes running back," said Gan Ning, "it's weird but it works I guess."

"I don't think she'll be back, Ning," said Sun Shang Xiang dryly, "she, uh sounded pissed."

"She'll be back," Gan Ning repeated firmly, "mark my words, woman, you don't know her like I do!"

"Call it a woman's intuition," Sun Shang Xiang offered.

Gan Ning blinked a few times. Wait a minute, a life without Nene? He'd gotten so used to the scoldings and the cooking and the mind-blowing sex that he—"oh, shit," he said, his eyes widening, "she's—she's really gone…?"

"I am not patronizing you, Ning, get the fuck over it, you can't keep a steady girlfriend if you keep acting like a jackass," Sun Shang Xiang snapped.

"Comin' from you, little miss Tong treats me like his sloppy seconds and I still go running back to him!" Gan Ning shot back. He paused. "_Man_ I really hope nobody recorded that."

"What!" Sun Shang Xiang demanded, "I do not! I'm just—cheapening myself sexually for an opportunity to be around him as much as possible, that's all!"

* * *

HOLY CRAP THE NEXT CHAPTER IS CHAPTER 20. OMG.


	20. The Greatest Video of All Time

Holy shit I got an update. I'm so sick of the general atmosphere of this story being EVERYONE IS HORNY, that is a dumb premise and I intend to change it after this chapter (can't break continuity…)

* * *

-KNOCKKNOCKKNOCKKNOCK-

"It's open," Ling Tong said absentmindedly, his eyes not leaving his notes.

Gan Ning came barging in as usual. Had Ling Tong bothered to look up at him, he would've noticed the look of outrage on Gan Ning's face from being ignored. "I hobble my crippled ass here to return your stupid shitty possessions and you can't even be bothered to thank me!" he demanded.

"Huh?" Ling Tong asked, "right, whatever, thanks. Shut the door when you leave, would ya?"

Gan Ning grumbled more than a few obscenities under his breath, tossing Ling Tong's video camera onto the pile of laundry on his bed. He turned to leave, letting the door slam shut behind him.

Ling Tong turned the page. Damn organic chemistry was going to be the death of him!

* * *

Nearly halfway across campus, the frustration of being ignored by someone you had copious amounts of sexual tension with (if you ask the fangirls, anyway) was not limited to Gan Ning alone, as Sun Ce and his girlfriend were enjoying their traditional weekly picnic at the moment.

Sun Ce was cheerfully going on about some stupid scheme he and Toshiie were hatching to egg the eggers (Sun Ce was above bullying, but he still liked throwing eggs, dammit), but Da Qiao was finding it hard to concentrate. All she could think about when she looked at Sun Ce was trying to strip him naked with her eyes, which usually led to her having to drop whatever she was doing and make way for the nearest restroom. WHICH COULDN'T HAPPEN TODAY, SHE WAS OUTSIDE.

Da Qiao was horny and she wanted to have sex with her boyfriend. Was that so shocking? Sure, she was as much an ingénue as people thought she was, but that certainly didn't stop her from having dirty thoughts.

It didn't help that she was dating nearly six feet of muscle, and the more she thought about it, the more she wanted to memorize the topography of every one of those muscles. There were roughly 640 muscles in the human body, and she quite wanted to molest them all individually. WITH WHIPPED CREAM.

Of course, stupid Sun Ce was too dense—or gentlemanly—to realize that his woman was in ripe need for a good hard fucking (as her sister would put it), and she couldn't exactly rip her underwear off and straddle him. Although that was starting to sound like a good idea—

"DA?" Sun Ce asked, confused, watching the myriad of expressions cross his girlfriend's face. She squirmed a bit, her hips shifting. His eyes got very round. "Honey?" He waved his hand in her face, and that got her to wake up.

"CE!" she squawked, her cheeks turning bright red, "Ce, I, uh—"

"You feeling okay? You look weird, like you ate something bad," said Sun Ce, wide-eyed and concerned, "uhhh…?"

"I'm fine, I've just been up late, having trouble sleeping and all," Da Qiao babbled, "and I'm just a bit—oh, Ce, I'm fine stop looking at me like that!"

"Looking at you like how? This is my face," Sun Ce complained, and Da Qiao began to babble again nervously which he just thought was the cutest thing except he had no idea why she was doing the babbling thing, she only did this for one reason, and one reason alone—

"Da, are you horny?"

Da Qiao promptly did a rather unladylike spit-take, one that would make Sun Shang Xiang proud. "Ce, are you—what makes you say that!"

"We've been dating for like six years and you've never once mentioned it, thought I'd take a guess," Sun Ce said, leaning back and stroking his chin, "I mean, you've been actin' weird lately…"

"Well, are _you_?" Da Qiao asked finally, deciding the best way to handle this was honestly.

"I'm always horny," Sun Ce told her seriously, mischief dancing in his eyes.

Da Qiao groaned.

"What? He wants to meet ya, baby!" Sun Ce waggled his eyebrows.

Da Qiao looked mortified. "SUN CE DON'T YOU DARE MAKE ME START THINKING OF YOUR—YOUR—YOUR _THING_ AS A SEPARATE LIVING ENTITY!"

"Sorry~" Sun Ce said with a big grin, which clearly meant he wasn't sorry at all.

Da Qiao sighed, looking up at Sun Ce, her face a perfect picture of a pout. "Ce, I'm confused," she admitted.

"I'm always confused, it's a nice way to live," said Sun Ce cheerfully.

Da Qiao made a face at him, balling up a fist and nudging him in the foot with it. "I'm serious, Ce! This is an important step in our relationship and I feel it's necessary to address it!"

"If you say so," said Sun Ce, stretching, "we can do it or we can wait, whichever you want to do, babe."

Da Qiao wibbled. How many other boyfriends were so _considerate _—oh, right, not what she was going for here. HORNY. "But I want to do it!" she said, "Ce, you big sexy lug, I want to—oh, it's not like everyone else we know isn't having sex left and right!"

"Who?" asked Sun Ce curiously, his eyes wide, "I mean, I know Ning's a whore, but Tong hasn't gotten any in ages—except for the Okuni thing, I guess—and, uh, I never believed any of the rumors about Xiao…"

Da Qiao sighed. "I know you're just being considerate, and I appreciate that," she said, crawling over to give him a kiss, "but maybe we could, um, take our relationship a bit _farther_?"

"You mean like getting married?" Sun Ce asked, brightening.

Barely resisting the urge to melt into a gooey puddle at the idea of marrying Sun Ce, Da Qiao offered him a sunny smile. "Eventually," she promised, "but, I meant more along the lines of—oh I'm not going to explain this any further! Either you get it or you don't, Ce!" She got up and grabbed her bag.

"Where are you going!" Sun Ce asked, confused.

"I have studying to do," Da Qiao huffed, "I'll call you later or something, Ce!"

Sun Ce nodded, kind of out of it. For some reason his girlfriend's fondness for pairing miniskirts with knee-high socks was having a weird adverse affect on him. He was so busy considering the possibility of a fetish involving knee-high socks that he didn't notice the pair of eyes staring at him from the bushes…

* * *

There was yet another knock on Ling Tong's door, but this time he was prepared for it.

"God dammit Ning if that's you I'm going to wedge this textbook up your ass sideways," he shouted as the door opened, and he lunged, swinging the giant organic chem textbook at his intruder's head—wait Gan Ning seemed shorter than usual—

"OW!" shouted Sun Shang Xiang, and Ling Tong was vaguely aware she'd punched him before he found himself flying through the air Matrix-style, "dammit Tong what the hell was that for!"

"I thought you were Gan Ning," said Ling Tong with a groan, a hand on his solar plexus, "ow, Shang Xiang, I think you snapped my damn sternum!"

"I snapped your who and the what now?" Sun Shang Xiang asked, confused, "get over it! You hit me with a book!"

"I threw the book at you," Ling Tong joked.

Sun Shang Xiang looked confused, and Ling Tong remembered this was because Sun Shang Xiang read nothing other than nutritional labels (stupid sports journalism majors). "How is it that you're taking sports medicine classes yet you have absolutely no idea what a sternum is?"

"How the hell has Gan Ning managed to pass every single engineering exam he's ever touched?" Sun Shang Xiang pointed out, "I have a natural ability for bullshitting!"

"Right," said Ling Tong dully, "well, before I pass out from having my oxygen intake severely limited, was there something you wanted other than to terrorize me?"

"Two things," said Sun Shang Xiang, holding up the peace sign, "first, you left this in my room and Da nearly had a shit fit thinking I was doing something "inappropriate"." She rolled her eyes as she tossed a pair of Ling Tong's underwear at him.

"Ew," said Ling Tong, scrunching his nose up in disgust, "you couldn't have washed them!"

"The hell do I look like, your maid?" Sun Shang Xiang complained, "and second, are you done studying yet? I'm about to go stand on the side of the road!"

Ling Tong groaned. "You're a nymphomaniac," he complained.

"If that means horny bitch then I'll take it," Sun Shang Xiang said agreeably, pulling her top off and tugging Ling Tong's textbook out of his hands, "geez Tong you'd rather study then bone? Way to boost my self-esteem, buddy!"

"I have a test tomorrow!" Ling Tong complained.

Sun Shang Xiang rolled her eyes. "You're studying for what, organic? I like it better when you have to study for anatomy!"

"You would," Ling Tong agreed, making a face as she sat on top of him and started digging in his pants—"your hands are cold!"

"Do you want this blowjob or not?" Sun Shang Xiang grumbled, "way to kill a damn mood!"

* * *

A few days later, if you'll recall there was a video project mentioned. The video project happened to be due today, much to the glee of half the class….

"I hope you all remember your end-of-term video projects are due today," said the professor, whose name Ling Tong _still_ didn't remember; "did I assign everyone a place or do you all just want to volunteer?"

Ling Tong was barely paying attention, checking his phone for the hundredth time. _Where the hell was Shang Xiang!_

If she didn't show up, he was so screwed it wasn't even funny; his A would turn into an F, it would drop his GPA like a hot rock, and he'd be flipping burgers for the rest of his life because he failed this stupid general ed class. WTF.

There was already some group presenting, covering some crap Ling Tong didn't care about; he checked his phone yet again and made a face. He leaned over and poked Sun Ce in the back of the head. Sun Ce promptly jumped (apparently he'd been engrossed in the presentation, earning an eye roll from Ling Tong). "Where's Shang Xiang?" he hissed.

Sun Ce shrugged his shoulders. Ling Tong groaned.

Now the second group was presenting. Still no sign of her.

Just as Ling Tong was beginning to question whether or not Sun Shang Xiang was actually going to show up, she came bursting into the class, thoroughly interrupting whoever was presenting; she smiled apologetically at the professor and scurried over to sit down in the empty seat next to Ling Tong's.

"Where have you been!" Ling Tong hissed, "I thought you weren't going to show!"

"Like hell I would do that, I was up all night editing this thing," Sun Shang Xiang complained, spinning the black USB keychain around on her finger, "you have no idea how amazing this is going to be, I even pirated some special video editing software to get the effect I wanted!"

"SHHHHH!" hissed the professor loudly. Ling Tong nodded appeasingly and turned back to glare at Sun Shang Xiang again.

"Yeah, you're right, I _have_ no idea considering I haven't seen this thing before," Ling Tong answered, scowling, "this had better be good!"

"What are you so mad at me for!" Sun Shang Xiang asked, looking hurt, "Tong you can be such a dick sometimes, y'know that?"

Ling Tong ignored her, applauding along with the rest of the class as the duo presenting finished, and Guan Ping and Xing Cai approached the board, Xing Cai holding a USB and Guan Ping laded down with what looked to be poster boards and various other handouts.

"Anything in there edible, y'think?" Sun Ce asked Gan Ning, Gan Ning ignoring him to sink down in his chair (if Guan Ping started calling him 'Master' again, there would be hell to pay).

"We did our project on the evils of global warming," Xing Cai explained, sticking the USB into the computer and firing up a Power Point presentation, "okay Ping first slide!"

Guan Ping sighed. "Although water vapor is responsible for most of the greenhouse effect, it has little role in global climate change. This is because it is a feedback agent, not a forcing agent, therefore it is not responsible for the recent rise in average global temperature. By example, water vapor added to the atmosphere takes no more than a week or two to return to the surface. CO2, by contrast, currently requires up to hundreds of years to be absorbed into the earth's surface once added to the atmosphere. This is because the current amount of CO2 in the atmosphere greatly outweighs the earth's ability to sequester it onto land and sea areas," he read dully.

"Why aren't you wearing your hat?" Xing Cai hissed.

Guan Ping looked positively mournful for a moment, before turning around and taking something out of his backpack. He was holding an aluminum foil hat, which had a gigantic point (looking like a giant Hershey's Kiss, or the hats from Signs, you decide) on top. He looked ridiculous.

"The hat my partner is 'rocking' is a hat used to prevent carbon from being emitted from our heads," Xing Cai explained, "the heat we humans radiate from our heads is responsible for 50 percent of the holes in the ozone layer! Next slide, Ping!"

Guan Ping, looking suicidal, clicked the switch. "By the burning of fossil fuels (coal and oil) during the industrial age, humans have intensively increased atmospheric CO2 during the last 200 years or so. the increase is by far due to ourselves- the oceans and terrestrial plants remove more CO2 than they emit, and volcanoes emit only a fraction of our CO2 output."

"This is why we should all be riding our bikes to school!" Xing Cai added, scowling, "all of you people who _drive_ make me sick!"

"Don't you drive an Avalanche?" someone in the front seat asked.

Xing Cai looked flustered. "My daddy bought it for me! It's got a built-in rape horn! It's not safe for a girl to ride her bike alone!"

"Like anyone would want to 'R' her," Sun Shang Xiang grumbled to Ling Tong. Ling Tong coughed.

"That's awfully convenient. Can't follow what you preach, huh?" the someone continued.

Xing Cai ignored them. "Next slide!"

"There are, as expected, detractors and petitions against the theory of man-made global warming. Skeptical viewpoints have been studied and found wanting, however, suggesting that the consensus view is in fact correct." Guan Ping looked like he'd rather swallow Hemlock than continue.

"All you disbelievers are going to be responsible for the death of our planet! We only have one planet so we need to take care of it!" Xing Cai scowled.

"Are those leather boots?" someone else asked.

Xing Cai blushed. "This isn't a presentation about the salvation of animals! Mind your own business!" She glared at Guan Ping.

Guan Ping, however, did not appear to be listening. In fact, it looked like he was shaking underneath his eco-friendly hat.

"Why isn't that dorky kid talking?"

"I dunno, maybe that hat he's wearing reflected all the heat radiating out of his head and it melted his brain?"

Xing Cai blinked. "Ping?"

Like every quiet, misunderstood kid, Guan Ping had a breaking point. And standing here in his college class, being unintentionally humiliated by his best friend and the love of his life while his asshole classmates snickered was the final straw.

He exploded. "I DON'T CARE ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING! I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE ENVIROMENT! GOD DAMMIT—I WANT TO GO BUY AN SUV! I HATE RIDING MY BIKE EVERYWHERE! I HATE WEARING ECO-FRIENDLY UNDERWEAR! I HATE THE EARTH AND I HOPE IT EXPLODES!"

Xing Cai looked taken aback. "P-Ping! Where's this coming from!"

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!" Guan Ping shrieked, ripping his 'Live Green' shirt off, knocking the aluminum hat off his head (his normally spiky hair had been fused into one giant spike) and throwing the poster boards he was carrying down, "IF I HAVE TO PROTEST THE DANGERS OF NOT LIVING GREEN I THINK I'M GOING TO JOIN TEAM AQUA!"

"Team Aqua's not even real," complained Sun Ce.

"Then I'll start them!"

The professor woke up sometime during all this screaming and chaos, and shook his head. "I seem to have nodded off—Hey, you two managed to salvage your project! You get an A!"

Xing Cai looked elated. "Hey, great job saving our project, Ping! I knew you weren't serious!"

Guan Ping did a facepalm. Easy come easy go.

The professor coughed. "Order, order," she commanded, "all right, who's next?"

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Sun Ce shouted, jumping up out of his seat and nearly decapitating Gan Ning with his flaily arms, "we're ready!"

"The fuck are you so excited about?" Gan Ning complained, scowling at his leg, "don't—OW!" Sun Ce grabbed him underneath his armpits and dragged him off. "Leggo!"

"We did our project on our best friend Tong," Sun Ce reported.

Ling Tong looked horrified. "You two did what! I could sue you for that shit!"

"You can't sue us, you don't have any money," Gan Ning said, shaking his head, "all right you fuckheads—I mean, uh, fellow peers—shut up and watch! This is, uh, cinematography at its finest! Yeah!"

Sure enough, 'The Misfortunes of Ling Tong' went over about as well as expected; the entire class (and the professor) was in stitches, and Ling Tong looked like he'd quite like to kill himself, Sun Ce, Gan Ning, and every single one of the assholes who had the nerve to laugh—HOW DARE THEY!"

When the film got to the part with Keijizilla, Keiji shouted something about copyright infringement, but nobody heard him, they were laughing so hard. Sun Shang Xiang had about seventy-five percent of her fist jammed into her mouth, she was trying so hard not to laugh. And Ling Tong was gripping the desk so tightly his knuckles were turning white and it looked like the desk was going to crack.

The video finally ended, an agonizing ten minutes and thirty seconds later, and Gan Ning and Sun Ce were met with a standing ovation and raucous applause. "THE BEST VIDEO OF ALL TIME!" bellowed the professor, "OF ALL TIME! YOU TWO DON'T JUST GET AN A, YOU GET A SUPER-A!"

"A SUPER A! FOR HUMILIATING ME!" Ling Tong bellowed, but was washed out by all the laughter. Ling Tong had made a lifetime of being a public spectacle, especially with his embarrassing father, so he wasn't too distraught by all the laughter, BUT STILL—OH THERE WOULD BE REVENGE FOR THIS, SWEET SWEET REVENGE!

"We should follow up that amazing performance with a live-action performance of the star," said the professor gleefully, "Tong, I hope you're ready!"

Ling Tong groaned, getting to his feet and firmly ignoring the laughter and snickering he was getting. "C'mon," he said to Sun Shang Xiang through gritted teeth, who wisely nodded and scurried down the flights of seats to get to the professor's desk.

"We did our project on—OH WOULD YOU ASSHOLES STOP LAUGHING ALREADY!" Ling Tong bellowed, but to his surprise, the class wasn't laughing anymore. He blinked a few times. "Did that work? Sweet!"

It hadn't worked, actually, and the entire class was watching what looked like Ling Tong and Sun Shang Xiang talking. In what looked like Ling Tong's room. Ling Tong blinked a few times. THIS WAS NOT HIS PROJECT, DAMMIT, WHAT THE HELL WAS—

Then Sun Shang Xiang stuck her hand down the front of Ling Tong's pants, and the real Sun Shang Xiang looked about ready to crawl under the desk by now. Ling Tong realized all too late that somehow his video camera had gotten footage of them screwing yesterday afternoon—HOW, HE HAD ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA—and to his horror, the entire class was watching. SHIT SHIT SHIT—

"This isn't our project!" he said to the professor frantically.

"Yeah, clearly," the professor agreed, "but this works just as well~"

"NO IT DOESN'T! I don't want this shit airing!"

"Then why'd you turn it in?"

"It was an accident, you—" Ling Tong lunged past the professor aiming for his desk, but he was completely unprepared for Sun Ce leaping over six rows of desks and tackling him into the wall.

* * *

UGHHH

I should be a bit more excited, shouldn't I? If I don't like it how will I expect anyone else to? THIS IS THE GREATEST STORY TO EVER BE WRITTEN! Hello? Is anyone out there? Is this thing still on? D:


	21. Insert Obligational Romantic Drama Here

Hey guys. I did a fantastic job retconning half the stuff I originally meant to write (I either forgot about it or I just got bored with the plot and hoped you guys forgot XD) so I'm gonna try to do some damage control.

Of course, if you like the way the story's gone so far, ignore the first paragraph! :D

Also—didn't proofread or anything, I got seriously sick of looking at this crap since this chapter's been a WIP since November. I did a quick check with spell check but that's about it. Sorry!

* * *

"Ughhh," Ling Tong groaned.

Gan Ning winced sympathetically. "Sorry buddy. He was gonna find out eventually, y'know."

"I didn't want him to find out _like that_," Ling Tong grumbled. He pressed the bag of frozen peas to his eye again, groaning and wallowing completely in his special brand of self-pity. "This is all your damn fault!"

"MINE!" Gan Ning demanded, outraged, "I pried him off you!"

"It took you three hours to get to me, thanks, I was already unconscious!"

"My leg is in a fucking cast!"

Ling Tong tried a different approach. "You left my camera on."

"You were the fuckin' idiot who turned your damn sex tape in!"

"I didn't turn it in, Shang Xiang did!"

"Well then this is her fault!"

"How'd she take all of this, anyway?" Ling Tong asked, remembering suddenly he hadn't seen her since Sun Ce chased him across campus and beat the living hell out of him, "Ce mad at her?"

"I think he's more disappointed than pissed," said Gan Ning, scratching his head and making a face when something fell out of it.

Ling Tong sighed. "You've fucked every girl in existence other than a select few, how would you handle this?"

Gan Ning shrugged. "I was never dumb enough to screw a girl who's got a _homicidal brother_, dumbass! Good going!"

"No shit," Ling Tong grumbled, "I don't know what the hell I'm gonna tell Ce, if he ever calms down long enough for me to get a word through."

"Blinded by love?" Gan Ning offered. "Ce's a sap, he'd buy into that shit."

"But I don't _love_ her," Ling Tong said dully, "I can't imagine Shang Xiang as my _girlfriend_. She's just, uhhh… god dammit why doesn't the fuck buddy thing ever work in real life? It does in the movies!"

Gan Ning rolled his eyes. "Well if you want my advice, I'd suggesting sorting your shit out," he suggested, "s'not like me and Ce aren't stuck doing that damn Idol thing next week, right? He'll be so busy getting rejected left and right that he won't even think about the douchebag who snuck around behind his back fucking his little sister."

"Must you word it like that?"

"I'm nothing if not honest," said Gan Ning firmly, ignoring the fact that he did more lying than a rug did.

Ling Tong's entire person was hurting too much to bother arguing with that. "None of your girl problems ever turn into this," he complained.

"Other than psycho Nene," said Gan Ning, shuddering, "even though she keeps popping into my room for a hatefuck every now and then, which is either the hottest or the scariest thing I've ever seen."

Ling Tong looked confused. Gan Ning shrugged. "Best way I can explain it is my brain and my dick are in a constant battle over what to do. Brain says run, dick says screw. Also doesn't help that I can't move all that fast, and she's quick with the—"

"ENOUGH ALREADY," said Ling Tong loudly, holding up a hand, "you know what I meant! You have no problems! I'm the one with the _curse_!"

"Yeah," Gan Ning agreed cheerfully, "thanks for makin' me feel good about myself, buddy."

"Yeah, thanks for the advice," said Ling Tong glumly, pressing the peas to his face again. "Except your advice sucked, so thanks for nothing!"

Gan Ning gestured to his leg. "I got other shit to shovel! You wanna tell me how the fuck I'm gonna master basic choreography with my leg in a fucking cast?"

"Oh, your life is so hard," answered Ling Tong, rolling his eyes, "meanwhile, I'm living next door to someone who would like nothing more than TO KILL ME!"

"Then go tell him you ~love Shang Xiang~ and want to father all of her little babies or whatever!"

"Oh sure, and if Shang Xiang finds out about that she'll kill _me_!"

"Don't bitch at me if you're not gonna listen to anything I tell you!"

Ling Tong pressed the defrosting bag of peas against his face again and scowled. Gan Ning scowled right back. Then Ling Tong sighed. "Let's not fight, all right? We're all we have."

"We're not _all_ we have," said Gan Ning cheerfully, "get that hamburger out of the freezer and hold it to your face too, we can actually cook dinner later!"

Ling Tong sighed.

* * *

"Ce, you maniac," Da Qiao scolded, frowning at her boyfriend as she stood on her tiptoes to retrieve the first aid kit she kept on top of the fridge (when your younger sister challenged gravity to an Agni Kai as often as Xiao Qiao did, first aid kits were pretty much required decor). "I can't believe you chased him down, did you ever think he might not have _planned_ on humiliating himself in front of your entire class?"

"I don't care! Serves him right for what he did to my sister!" Sun Ce huffed, drumming his fingers on the stove, "if Ning hadn't pried me off of him, I probably _would_ have killed him, so maybe that was a good plan…"

"You know Shang Xiang likes Tong, I don't know why you're so upset about this," said Da Qiao, setting the first aid kit down next to Sun Ce and reaching for his hand expectantly.

Sun Ce put his hand into her extended one, and scowled. "I know she likes him," he said, "but I don't think he likes _her_, and if he's just been screwing with her to get his rocks off, I'm going to… to…"

"Kick his ass?" Da Qiao offered dryly.

"Yeah!" Sun Ce nodded firmly.

Da Qiao held back a giggle. "This is going to hurt a bit," she cautioned, wiping a medicated wipe on Sun Ce's knuckles (which had gotten severely torn up while he was using Ling Tong's mouth for target practice). "I'm surprised—and delighted, mind you—that you didn't knock any of his teeth out!"

"Yeah, well, I mess up that pretty face of his and I'll never hear the end of it," Sun Ce said darkly, "have you seen Shang Xiang at all today?"

"Nope," said Da Qiao, "I would have called her, but you know how she is… she'll turn up eventually."

"Xiao home?" Sun Ce asked.

"Not that I know of, I suspect I would have heard her," said Da Qiao distractedly, wrapping the tape around Sun Ce's knuckles before securing it with a bandage, "and there you go, sweetie! Be more careful next time!"

"I will, I will," Sun Ce promised. He grinned at her. "Is it supposed to get better without a kiss?"

Da Qiao laughed, taking his hands in hers again and pressing her lips to his right, then his left hand. "Feeling better yet?" she teased.

"Well, yes," Sun Ce said cheerfully, tugging his hands free and looping one of his arms around Da Qiao's waist, drawing her close. He leaned down, his lips about an inch from hers. "Not what I had in mind, though," he growled, and leaned in to kiss her.

Da Qiao squeaked with glee, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him close. Sun Ce grinned, his right arm firmly around her waist, his left hand wandering a bit, and Da Qiao gasped into his mouth as his hand ran up her leg. He didn't dare stick his hand up her skirt (although he quite wanted to), but instead traced small circles on her inner thigh. He could be such a gentleman sometimes!

He surfaced to breathe, and Da Qiao grabbed his face and pulled him back in for another kiss. Sun Ce grunted in pleasure as she pressed closer into his chest, and he wound his arm around her waist again to crush their lips together more firmly.

Da Qiao pulled back this time, Sun Ce noticing how dark her eyes seemed, and she smiled. "Shall we, um, go to my—"

Sun Ce had swept her up into his arms before she could finish speaking, and with her squeak of consent, he carried her off into her bedroom, tossing her onto her bed unceremoniously and kicking the door shut. He grinned, jumping onto the bed along with her (nearly sending her flying) and held himself up on his elbows above her before leaning down to kiss her.

In fact, Sun Ce was starting to think it was actually going to happen—it being having sex with his girlfriend who he loved more than anything or anyone in the world—when Da Qiao's hands suddenly pulled out from underneath his shirt and began pushing at his shoulders.

Sun Ce of course thought this was some sort of strange foreplay, and therefore didn't adjust his position one bit. Then Da Qiao turned her head, and instead of kissing her rather lovely lips Sun Ce was kissing her ear. Not quite what he had in mind, but hey.

"Ce…" It sounded more like a moan than an attempt to get his attention, so Sun Ce figured he'd just keep doing what he was doing—"Ce, stop…"

Sun Ce finally heard her, leaning up on his elbow. "What?" he asked, looking like he was really hoping he'd misheard her.

"Ce, I'm…" Da Qiao swallowed and looked away shyly.

"What?" Sun Ce asked, turning her face back towards his and kissing her again.

"Ce I don't think I can do this!"

Sun Ce blinked a few times. "Why didn't you just say so?"

"I was… enjoying myself, but…" Da Qiao just looked embarrassed again. "I think you should get off, your presence isn't making this any easier!"

"I'd love to get off," Sun Ce complained, sighing, and reluctantly rolling off her, burying his face in her pillow. "AAAARGH!" So close, yet so far away…

Da Qiao frowned, sitting up and grabbing the pillow to pull it off Sun Ce's head. The upskirt view both did not help Sun Ce's case one bit and also made him incredibly grateful for short skirts and knee socks. "You told me you wanted to wait!"

"I don't WANT to wait," Sun Ce admitted, "but hey, I'm willing to until you're ready, babe."

Normally a line like this would make Da Qiao swoon, but currently she was feeling irritable and defensive, so she pounced. "What do you mean, willing to wait until _I'm _ready?" she asked.

Sun Ce looked confused. "Uhh… like, until you're ready to have sex? And stuff? I dunno, I thought it was kinda obvious…"

"You make it sound like I'm some prudy goody-goody holding out on you!" Da Qiao accused.

"Did I say something I shouldn't have?" Sun Ce asked, now looking alarmed, "Da, it's fine, me and my hand, we get along great… s'fine, really…"

Da Qiao just scowled, leaving Sun Ce with the feeling that he'd done something so unforgiveable he didn't deserve to know what it was…

* * *

Ling Tong stood outside Sun Ce's apartment, waiting for his longtime friend to return. Sure, he didn't feel like he had anything to apologize for in the first place, but he figured if he had a little sister of his own he'd probably be pretty irrational when it came to 'defending her womanly honor' or whatever.

Actually he was mostly here because he didn't want to get his ass kicked anymore. But Sun Ce didn't need to know that~

Then he heard something that sounded like a stampede of elephants, and he turned around, alarmed. "Oh, Ce," he said, apparently not noticing the aurora of rage surrounding Sun Ce, "hey, you got a minute? I need to talk to—"

Sun Ce stormed right past him and started trying to unlock the door to his dorm. Ling Tong blinked, and continued, unperturbed. "Look I know you're mad about the whole—thing, but, uh—"

Sun Ce punched the window adjacent to his dorm window, stuck his arm inside and fiddled with the inside of the deadbolt on the door until it opened. Then he went inside and slammed the door behind him.

Ling Tong stared at the door. Well, at least he was still alive.

* * *

_One week later…_

* * *

"Take a good look, Tong ol' pal," Gan Ning said, standing in Ling Tong's doorway with his arms crossed over his chest, "next time you see me, I'll be mobbed by so many hot babes you won't even recognize me! I'm gonna be _famous_!"

"What, you haven't left yet? Don't let the door hit you on the way out," Ling Tong answered, not even looking up from his studying.

Gan Ning looked outraged. "You could at least _pretend_ like you're gonna miss me! Now I'm not gonna hit any of the less-attractive babes your way!"

"Like you were going to anyway?"

"Not at the rate you're going!"

"Oh, fine. Bye."

"That was terrible!"

"Don't care. Try not to humiliate yourself on national television, or at least don't mention my name," Ling Tong replied cheerfully.

Gan Ning grumbled something obscene under his breath and stomped out again. Ling Tong waited until he heard the door slam before pumping his fist up in the air. Two whole weeks without Gan Ning or Sun Ce! It was like a dream come true!

* * *

_Two weeks later…_

* * *

It was 2AM in the morning. Ling Tong wasn't too sure why he heard someone knocking on his door, but unless it involved a very attractive woman in need of sex _now_, he was going to kick some serious—

"Oi! Let us the hell in, s'fuckin' freezing out here!"

Ling Tong scowled. "What are you two doing here? You're supposed to be gone longer than this," he complained, grudgingly opening the door. Sun Ce and Gan Ning tried to rush inside at the same time, causing them both to get stuck in the doorway, which resulted in lots of squirming, struggling and profanity. Just as Ling Tong thought they couldn't get any stupider, they proved him wrong by finally squeezing inside, Sun Ce shutting the door behind him.

"So what the hell are you two doing back so soon?" Ling Tong demanded.

"Why does it smell like ass in here?" Gan Ning asked, sniffing.

"It always smells like that," Sun Ce replied, dropping his giant duffel bag of stuff on the couch and sitting down next to it, stretching his legs out.

"Is someone going to answer me?" Ling Tong asked, visibly annoyed.

"Don't get your panties in a twist," said Gan Ning dismissively, "story's not that good anyway, we got disqualified."

"For what?" Ling Tong asked, now interested.

"Like I said, s'not that interesting…"

* * *

After a successful first round in Hollywood, Gan Ning had advanced to the second round. Sun Ce, on the other hand, hadn't sung a note all day and already had been advanced to the third round.

Anyway, it didn't take long for Gan Ning to charm the panties off every woman in his group, so his morale heading into round two was quite high. On the other hand, the four women in his group were at each other's throats fighting over him, so while they were fighting, he knocked his solo out of the park. And off he went to round three.

As shit luck would have it, Gan Ning and Sun Ce were partnered together for the duet portion of round three, and although their performance of Journey's "Faithfully" went without a hitch, Gan Ning could barely hobble around for the required basic choreography so Sun Ce had just picked him up and swung him around the stage. They'd advanced past round three, and on day five of Hollywood week, they awaited to hear their results along with thirty-four of the other remaining contestants.

There could only be twenty-four in the semifinals, twelve men and twelve women, and much to Sun Ce and Gan Ning's dismay, it was about 3:30PM and neither of them had been called. However, ten men had already been sorted into the semifinals.

Then some guy with a wicked falsetto named Stephen was called, and Stephen nervously scampered off towards the elevator to learn his fate, followed by cameramen, who were anxious to record every moment of Stephen's possible trauma. Gan Ning and Sun Ce exchanged glances.

About five minutes later, Stephen's shriek of joy was clearly audible. Sun Ce and Gan Ning paused, counted on their fingers, and realized with horror that thanks to Stephen's inclusion, there would only be enough room for one of _them_ in the Top 24…

"Well, good luck, buddy," said Sun Ce, sighing.

"Yeah," said Gan Ning, making a face, "unless the elevator cables snap with him in it…"

Much to Gan Ning's dismay, the elevator made it back to the ground floor with Stephen firmly intact, and he ran out of the elevator shrieking with joy.

"Ce?"

Sun Ce gulped, looking down at Gan Ning as he got to his feet, offering his friend his hand. "Still friends?" he offered.

Gan Ning nodded, shaking his hand firmly. "Unless you make it and I don't, in which case I'm gonna kick your ass."

"As if you could," said Sun Ce, grinning, turning to face the elevator… when Gan Ning was called too.

"Ning?"

Gan Ning blinked, looking confused. "What?"

"I think they want us to go in together," said Sun Ce, looking equally confused.

Sure enough, that was the plan, as Ryan Seacrest's creepy orange face appeared in the elevator. "Come on, boys, don't be shy!"

Gan Ning and Sun Ce exchanged nervous glances that had absolutely nothing to do with the singing competition. They shrugged and both began to push each other towards the elevator, neither wanting to be the first person in.

"Now, don't be nervous," said Ryan Seacrest comfortingly, patting Gan Ning and Sun Ce on the backs a little _too _comfortingly, almost as if he was trying to memorize every line of muscle beneath their shirts.

"I'm not nervous," Gan Ning answered, "you know why?"

"Why?" Ryan asked guilessly.

"Because singing is stupid."

And the elevator doors closed.

* * *

"Is this going somewhere? Too long, don't care," said Ling Tong, looking annoyed.

POW.

"That'll teach you to be a little more patient when someone's telling you a story," said Sun Ce, wiping his knuckles off on his shirt.

"Anyway," said Gan Ning, glaring at Ling Tong, "if you're quite finished with the rude interruptions…"

Xxx

"Ce, Ning, you two have both been incredible performers over the past week. But as you know, there can only be 12 men in the Top 24… and unfortunately, as it stands we only have room for one."

Sun Ce and Gan Ning exchanged glances. "Well I think the choice is obvious," said Sun Ce, "pick me!"

Gan Ning grinned. "He's right, y'know," he said seriously, "pick me!"

Then they both seemed to realize what the other had said. Gan Ning glared at Sun Ce. Sun Ce glared right back.

"I sing better than you!"

"No you don't!"

"Do too! And I'm better looking!"

"The hell you are!"

The judges looked at each other in a panic. "Um, you two, we're not done!"

They were ignored, as right now all bets were off, and Sun Ce and Gan Ning looked like they were very close to killing each other. The judges finally just shrugged. Ratings!

"You can't sing worth a damn! I deserve the spot!"

"Like hell you do! Nobody's gonna vote for you anyway!"

"Will too!"

"Will not!"

"Will too!"

"Will not!"

"Will—OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!" Gan Ning tackled Sun Ce, and thus began a fistfight of epic proportions.

The judges exchanged glances. MORE ratings~!

* * *

"So what happened after you two got into a fight?" Ling Tong asked, actually curious now.

"I'm getting there! Shut up and listen!"

* * *

Like most of Sun Ce and Gan Ning's fights, this one went on for a few minutes before the two finally separated, panting and all sweaty. They both laid on the floor, gasping for air and holding whatever body part they'd managed to injure during the fight, when one of the judges cleared his throat.

Sun Ce and Gan Ning looked up wearily. "What?"

"I'm appalled by this disgusting display of violence," the judge who will not be named complained, "and to think we were going to put you both on and make it a Top 25!"

"Oh."

"Yeah, 'oh'! Now get out! OUT!"

* * *

"And so that's the end of that," said Gan Ning cheerfully.

"Yep, we never gotta worry about singing again for the rest of our lives," said Sun Ce, nodding, "which is good since I sucked at it."

"Yes you did," agreed Ling Tong.

* * *

"Yun?"

Zhao Yun shifted a bit to look at his girlfriend's face. "Yes?"

Zhen Ji moved over a bit, resting her head on Zhao Yun's shoulder. "What's she like?"

"What's who like?" Zhao Yun asked, confused.

"The girl I'm keeping you from. Do I know her?"

Zhao Yun's eyes got very wide. Oh lord. He did _not_ want to have this conversation, but now that Zhen Ji had voiced it he might as well. "Her name is Yun Lu. She's my best friend's sister, I've known her half my life."

"None of my friends ever had any brothers," Zhen Ji mused, looking out towards the manufactured pond they were sitting by (after Zhao Yun had very bravely chased the ducks away)

Zhao Yun was quiet.

"You are the sweetest, kindest man I've ever met," Zhen Ji said softly, turning Zhao Yun's face so she could look up into his eyes eyes, "but you deserve someone who loves you, and I'm doing neither of us any favors by continuing to date."

"It's been good, though," said Zhao Yun, a bit disappointed. He wouldn't deny that although his heart belonged to his longtime friend, he did have sincere feelings for Zhen Ji during his stint as her prostitute (he preferred "indentured servant", or as she liked to call him, "boyfriend"). It turned out that she was very sweet, liked many of the things he did, and his Facebook status said "In a Relationship" for the first time in his entire life. He didn't want to lose what he had with Zhen Ji to go after Ma Yun Lu again, with what could end up as uncomfortable results.

Zhen Ji was quiet now, her thoughts buzzing in her head. If she could have chosen who to fall in love with, she definitely would have chosen Zhao Yun.

Zhao Yun seemed to be able to tell she was deep in thought, and gave her hands a gentle squeeze. "Can we still be friends?"

"We weren't friends before," Zhen Ji reminded him gently.

"I know." Zhao Yun smiled a bit impishly. "Can I have a last kiss? One for the road?"

Zhen Ji laughed, shaking her head. "Of course." She stood on tiptoe and brushed her lips against Zhao Yun's, the touch so light and gentle it was like a whisper. Zhao Yun grabbed her waist and pulled her closer, deepening the kiss. They stayed like that until they absolutely needed air, and they separated, both breathless.

They separated neatly, Zhen Ji reaching up to tuck a piece of hair behind Zhao Yun's ear, and they smiled at each other.

"Goodbye, Yun. Don't be a stranger, okay?"

"Goodbye, Ji. And if that blasted Cao Pi hurts you again, he'll have me to deal with."

And the breath hadn't fully returned to their lungs before they were sprinting off in opposite directions, running after the person they loved.

* * *

_A week later…_

* * *

"TOOOOOOOOOOONG!"

Ling Tong was very used to his friends shouting his name from the other side of whatever room they happened to be in, but the only reason he did jump this time was because he was surprised at who it was.

"Ce?" he asked, confused.

"TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG!" Sun Ce shouted, charging through the library shouting with exuberance, leaping through the air and landing on the chair Ling Tong was sitting in, "hey Tong!"

"GET OFF ME," Ling Tong shouted, "Ce you're like twice my damn size, get the hell off!"

Sun Ce sighed and scooted off, getting to his feet and looking around in confusion. "Holy crap this place is huge!" he said, letting out a low whistle, "it's like a big maze slash obstacle course thing."

"Called a library," said Ling Tong, "what do you want?"

Sun Ce gave a loud sigh and sat down (in a chair next to Ling Tong's), grinning. "I was just talking to Ma Chao," he explained, "and he was telling me his sister and Zhao Yun are together."

"Isn't that the second girlfriend Zhao Yun's had in the past two months?" Ling Tong complained.

"It's cause he's a poster boy," said Sun Ce dismissively. "Anyway, he was talking to me about stuff, y'know, his best friend dating his little sister, and you know what he said?"

Ling Tong felt his throat dry up a bit, realizing where this conversation was headed. Great. "No, the tracking device I implanted in your brain must not have been working properly at the time. What'd he say?"

"He said that who _better_ to date your little sister than your best friend? Which I didn't get, I mean, what if they break up or whatever and you're stuck as the awkward middle ground? Y'know, no-man's land? But he said, and I quote… 'Shouldn't you trust your best friend to do right by your sister?' And I was like holy crap how did I not figure that out sooner!" Sun Ce grinned, and Ling Tong winced, knowing what was coming.

"So what's this have to do with me?" Ling Tong asked, deciding to play dumb (worked for Gan Ning, although in his case it wasn't so much _playing_ as it was a conscious state of being).

Sun Ce beamed. "I give you my permission to date Shang Xiang. If you two're destined to be together it ain't my job to poop all over it, right?"

Ling Tong was quiet, which was so uncharacteristic even Sun Ce looked confused. "Uh. Tong. You, uh, might wanna say something."

"Ce, I'm… sorry to burst your bubble, but…"

"_But what_?" Sun Ce asked, eyebrows forming a perfect angry V.

Ling Tong shuddered, really wishing he didn't have Sun Ce's angry face burned into his retinas as he spoke, but he had to say it. "I don't have any feelings for Shang Xiang. Not beyond being friends, anyway. I thought she knew."

He winced for the punch he saw coming a mile away, but to his surprise, it didn't come. He cracked an eye open in

"Well if you don't like her like that, there's nothing I can do about it," said Sun Ce finally, "but why the hell were you screwing around with her then?"

"I wasn't _screwing around with her_, what kind of ass do you take me for? We had an agreement and I don't feel like going into the details with you," Ling Tong answered, going back to his notes.

"Fine," said Sun Ce, getting to his feet, "but for the record, she _doesn't_ know you're not into her like that, so I would suggest letting her down easily so she doesn't stab you to death."

Ling Tong sighed. He did not like the sound of that one bit.

* * *

Sun Ce was so in awe of the wonders of the library that he didn't notice a tiny dark-haired blur speeding towards him. He had just started to examine a poster detailing library rules in the foyer of the building when he was tackled around the waist, and before he even realized someone had grabbed him, Da Qiao was kissing the sense out of him.

Sun Ce blinked, but he wrapped his arms around his girlfriend and kissed her back gamely. He felt her fingers in his hair, and although he ~never~ minded having a beautiful woman rush into his arms and kiss the life out of him, Da Qiao rarely did. And considering the last time they'd seen each other and how that had gone, he couldn't help but shake the feeling that this was not a good thing.

Da Qiao pulled back, breathless, and Sun Ce felt his stomach sink seeing tears in her eyes. "Da, what is it? Are you okay?" he asked, now very worried.

"Ce, I love you so much," Da Qiao whispered, blinking tears from her eyes, "and it's… it's not fair for you to be saddled down with someone like me, just because I love you so much, and, and I'm just—Ce, we're—"

"What the hell are you talking about?" Sun Ce demanded, mentally groaning when Da Qiao began to cry, "Da, stop crying and look at me, come on—Da!"

Dammit he didn't want people seeing them, the last thing he wanted anyone to see was Da Qiao crying. She showed no signs of stopping, so he did what he felt was necessary and picked her up, hurriedly making his way out of the building and setting her down.

The potheads behind the building took one look at Da Qiao's tears and glared in unison at Sun Ce, but Sun Ce flexed his muscles and that was enough to send them (and their bong) scampering off.

Sun Ce scowled in their direction and turned back towards Da Qiao, who was crying into her hands again. He sighed, taking her hands in his and getting on his knees in front of her so he could look her in the eye. "Babe, tell me what's wrong," he said, "come on, what the heck are you talking about, me saddled down with you? You and I both know you're too good for me."

"That's not true, all I do is study and I don't—pay attention to you the way a girlfriend should, and—Xiao said I'm a prude!" That made her cry again, and Sun Ce got back to his feet and wrapped his arms around her.

"Da it's been so long since I had sex I don't even remember what it felt like, I'm not missing anything," he said finally, "and I love you too damn much to care. I'm not Ning, or Tong, or any of my other friends. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."

"I'm an anchor around your neck, people always look so—surprised when they hear we're dating, I—"

"Who the hell cares? S'not like we're in high school, I think you're reading too much into this. People don't care, and even if they do, I got bigger muscles then they do so I'll _make_ 'em not care. All right?"

"Ce, stop," said Da Qiao, wiping her eyes again, "you know what I'm getting at, I don't want it any more than you do…"

"So if neither of us want it then what's the damn point?"

"We've been together for so long, I think we've forgotten what it's like to be… ourselves… and…"

"So losing you is somehow going to bring out the ~best~ in me? I thought you were supposed to be the smart one here," Sun Ce snapped, losing his temper and letting go of her. "So we're through? That what you're saying?"

"Ce, I'm sorry—"

"Yeah, but not sorry enough, I guess." And Sun Ce turned his back on the only girl he'd ever loved and stomped off, rubbing at his eyes furiously and willing himself to stop damn crying. Dammit!

* * *

Well what do you know. Zhao Yun and Zhen Ji grew on me a bit.

Hey, this chapter kind of sucked! Yay! All necessary end-tying-up, if I still have any readers by the next chapter I guarantee it will be much better. Next chapter starts the second semester, FINALLY, and hopefully I'll get this story wrapped up in maybe +5~ chapters. But don't hold me to that.

I know you're getting bored with all the ~romantic drama~, sorry to go all Glee on you, but I promise it will end nicely! Stay with me!

Oh, and give me some feedback on Sun Ce and Da Qiao!


	22. Author's Note

Hey there! You might've noticed this story is listed as complete. I didn't want to put this in the summary, so here you go, my official explanation!

My interest in this story was kind of starting to wane around the late teen chapters; there's some scenes I was really proud of, but some of the storylines of my own creation were really starting to bore me, while I wasn't paying enough attention to some others. I've re-read over the entire story, made a list of points to hit and other things to cover in the new semester, so I will definitely be much more careful to avoid being a scatterbrain in the future.

That being said, I decided to start fresh in a part 2; my longest story to-date has been 35 chapters, and that was an enormous pain in the ass. Considering DWC is already at 20 chapters (this note doesn't count!), I decided to cut it short and switch to a second story to use as a part 2.

Expect the second story to pop up in a day or two (it will be called Dynasty Warriors College: Part 2), I've been a lot busier than I anticipated this semester so I've been working my tail off with IRL stuff. Thanks a million for the reviews (115 reviews!) and hopefully I'll see you for 2nd semester :)


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